advice I feel stuck

[CL]

@Aurora

I'm in a considerable amount of pain from work, my feet, legs, hips, back are all just really causing my a lot of pain. I don't feel like I CAN do what I like because that'll add to the pain.

 

I like to think taking my life is off the table, I got things I need to take care of that Id feel bad to leave unattended... But if things where to get bad enough I can't make any guarantees... 

I suppose I'm safe, thanks for the resources tho.

[Aurora]

1 minute ago, CL said:

@Aurora

I'm in a considerable amount of pain from work, my feet, legs, hips, back are all just really causing my a lot of pain. I don't feel like I CAN do what I like because that'll add to the pain.

I like to think taking my life is off the table, I got things I need to take care of that Id feel bad to leave unattended... But if things where to get bad enough I can't make any guarantees... 

I suppose I'm safe, thanks for the resources tho.

I'm glad to hear you're safe. Please know that we are here for you and you can always talk to us. Do you mind me asking, what the things are that you need to take care of? 

[CL]

@Aurora

I have pet fish, chickens, and my garden. Of course, there's also my girlfriend. None of these things deserve to suffer because I decided to end my own, neither does anyone deserve to have the obligation thrust upon them.

[Monsoon]

2 hours ago, CL said:

@Aurora

I have pet fish, chickens, and my garden. Of course, there's also my girlfriend. None of these things deserve to suffer because I decided to end my own, neither does anyone deserve to have the obligation thrust upon them.

Hey there,

I just wanted to jump in and reply because Aurora will only be back online tomorrow. I hope that's okay!

I'm glad to hear that you are safe and I can see how caring you are by sticking around for your girlfriend and pets. I'm wondering, have you ever filled out a safety plan? They are really useful for people who are struggling to stay safe, and looking back at the plan when you're having a hard time can be really grounding and helpful. Would you like to fill it out and share your answers with us? Here it is:

 

• What I need to do to reduce the risk of me acting on the suicidal thoughts:
• What warning signs or triggers are there that make me feel more out of control?
• What have I done in the past that helped? What ways of coping do I have?
• What I will do to help calm and soothe myself:
• What I will tell myself (as alternatives to the dark thoughts):
• What would I say to a close friend who was feeling this way?
• What could others do that would help?
• Who can I call:
• A safe place I can go to:

 

[CL]

@Monsoon

That'll be fine. I believe we talked on this before?

I've never heard of a safety plan before, but I'll reply to these points the best I can.

 

1. Unsure what to do to reduce risk.

2. Unsure how to reply

3. Dumb luck has helped a lot, finding something to look forward to in the near future by chance.

4.try to do something relaxing.

5. Unsure what to tell myself

6. I'd tell them I'm here to help however I can be and always happy to listen.

7. Just being there for me and being supportive.

8. My girlfriend I guess, otherwise no one

9. Unsure how to reply.

 

 

[Monsoon]

Hey CL,

Yeah, that's right, we spoke about your plan to move away and your goals for the future. How is all of that going? 

I just want to thank you for getting back to me with your answers. I can definitely see how finding something to look forward to would be helpful for you given what you have told me about how you feel where you currently live. I'm wondering, what kinds of things are you looking forward to at the moment? 

Also, I saw that you mentioned that you could also try to do something relaxing. Would you like to share what helps you to relax? 

[CL]

@Monsoon

I've gotten nowhere with it... Which is depressing and adds to the 'feeling stuck' thing.

 

I don't actually have much to look forwards to at th

 

[CL]

@Monsoon

Sorry, I think I hit send by accident...

 

I've gotten nowhere with it... Which is depressing and adds to the 'feeling stuck' thing.

 

I don't actually have much to look forwards to at the moment, maybe a show or a game update.

 

I find a lot of things relaxing, some more so than others.  I do a bit of gaming, sometimes that helps. Otherwise I'm outdoorsy, hunting, fishing, gardening, snowmobiling, ATV... Etc...

 

[Monsoon]

8 hours ago, CL said:

@Monsoon

Sorry, I think I hit send by accident...

I've gotten nowhere with it... Which is depressing and adds to the 'feeling stuck' thing.

I don't actually have much to look forwards to at the moment, maybe a show or a game update.

I find a lot of things relaxing, some more so than others.  I do a bit of gaming, sometimes that helps. Otherwise I'm outdoorsy, hunting, fishing, gardening, snowmobiling, ATV... Etc...

Hey there,

It sounds like you've got plenty of hobbies to get stuck into to make things easier and help you cope better, so that's great. I would definitely try to do them as much as you can to help lift your mood. What do you think?

Also, I completely get why that adds to the stuck feeling. I've been thinking, are you in the headspace to work towards that goal at the moment, or is it more of a case of getting by each day and focusing on feeling well and then going from there? 

[CL]

@Monsoonthat's what I've been trying to do, but as I mentioned, I really do hurt a lot from work.

 

I don't honestly know, but of I don't try I'll just end up wasting more of my life doing nothing.

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, CL said:

@Monsoonthat's what I've been trying to do, but as I mentioned, I really do hurt a lot from work.

I don't honestly know, but of I don't try I'll just end up wasting more of my life doing nothing.

Hey @CL

What activities can you do that don't put your body under as much pressure?

Also, in terms of reaching those goals for your future that you mentioned previously, such as moving away and going to university, would you find it helpful to have a conversation around what you can do to work towards those goals? 

[CL]

@Monsoon well, none of my favorite activities are actually low strain on my body, anlong hike to go fishing or hunting isn't uncommon, gardening speaks for itself, lots of digging, atv and snowmobile isn't too bad... Until you get stuck...

 

And I guess so?

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I'm wondering, could it be worth trying to find some new ones to try out? Do you enjoy reading? You could you maybe go to a book club. 

Also, with the goal setting, do you definitely feel like you want to? I don't want you to feel like you have to go into something if you aren't feeling up to it. My perspective is that when you're having a tricky time, it can be good to set something to work towards as having goals to achieve can really help you move forward. 

[CL]

@Monsoon

I'm not huge on reading, I do a bit of research from time to time if I feel like it, but that's all... 

I'm not sure if I understand this part 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

That's fair enough about the reading. If you do happen to come across a book that you might be interested in, definitely give it a try! Also, I'm wondering, what about arts and crafts? 

With the question about setting goals, I'm trying to explore if you actually want to set some right now and work towards them. What do you think?

[CL]

@Monsoon I'm very into arts and crafts, I just don't have the motivation I need to do it.  I've actually been off and on working on some books I been writing, but that's more something I do to kill time rather than enjoy.

 

I would definitely like to, I just don't know how possible or likely it is at the moment...

[Monsoon]

15 hours ago, CL said:

@Monsoon I'm very into arts and crafts, I just don't have the motivation I need to do it.  I've actually been off and on working on some books I been writing, but that's more something I do to kill time rather than enjoy.

I would definitely like to, I just don't know how possible or likely it is at the moment...

Hey CL,

I see what you mean about writing the books, and maybe if you get into one enough, you will start to enjoy it more. What are your favourite kinds of stories? Could you maybe think about writing one with such a theme?

Also, from the support we've given so far, we have suggested plenty of things to try and different ways forward, but they don't seem to be landing with you. I'm wondering, are you ready to move forward and engage more with our support right now, or do you need more time?

[CL]

@Monsoon

I'm mostly doing it because I have ideas and they may be profitable if they work out 

 

What do you mean "engage more with our support"?

[Emberfrost12]

7 hours ago, CL said:

@Monsoon

I'm mostly doing it because I have ideas and they may be profitable if they work out 

What do you mean "engage more with our support"?

I think he's asking whether you want to keep talking with him or wait and try some of his ideas out and tell him how it goes

[Monsoon]

19 hours ago, CL said:

@Monsoon

I'm mostly doing it because I have ideas and they may be profitable if they work out 

What do you mean "engage more with our support"?

Hey,

Sorry if I wasn't clear, but basically, I'm wondering, do you think you are ready to move forward and try out some the strategies we are recommending, or do you need more time first before you're ready?

[CL]

@Monsoon
Its ok i'm not always the best when it comes to context and whatnot.
And I don't honestly know what I'm ready for, the past week I just been feeling a "I dont even know what to do anymore" feeling 

[Aurora]

12 hours ago, CL said:

@Monsoon
Its ok i'm not always the best when it comes to context and whatnot.
And I don't honestly know what I'm ready for, the past week I just been feeling a "I dont even know what to do anymore" feeling 

Thank you for sharing that with us. I know it's not easy to talk about how we feel. How would you rate your mood at the moment on a scale of 1 - 10 with 1 being the unhappiest you could ever be and 10 being as happy as you could be? 

[CL]

@Aurora

Assuming 5 would be neutral, I'd say like 3. 

 

I came upon the realization that I have been partaking in a form of self harm without even really knowing it was one... Friday was a really bad for me, easily a 2/10 at best, and I hit myself... I've done this for years, I'd feel like I deserve to hurt, I feel like I'm wasting my life and I deserve to suffer for it, I feel like I did bad and I should punish myself... And I hit myself over and over and over until my leg and fist where numb... Today on a whim I looked up examples of self harm, and there was hitting yourself right on top.

[Aurora]

7 minutes ago, CL said:

@Aurora

Assuming 5 would be neutral, I'd say like 3. 

I came upon the realization that I have been partaking in a form of self harm without even really knowing it was one... Friday was a really bad for me, easily a 2/10 at best, and I hit myself... I've done this for years, I'd feel like I deserve to hurt, I feel like I'm wasting my life and I deserve to suffer for it, I feel like I did bad and I should punish myself... And I hit myself over and over and over until my leg and fist where numb... Today on a whim I looked up examples of self harm, and there was hitting yourself right on top.

Thanks so much for sharing this with us. it sounds like you've had  a really big realisation there. How does it feel to acknowledge all this? 

And what would you say puts you at a 3, rather than a 2? Feel free to think of as many examples as you can. 

Also, just to let you know  that I do have to log off now but I will be back online tomorrow. 

[CL]

@Aurora

Idk, I feel bad tbh... .y girlfriend struggled with self harm and been 'clean' for so long and been staying strong and not doing it for me, yet here I am, the one that broke...

 

I overthink these 1-10 things, 3 just seems right, it's a little worse than what I call "just a little down", 4, but better than what I call "bad", 2. 

Friday was bad at best and terrible at worse. So I say Friday was 1-2 and I wanted to cry and curl into a ball and just never be bothered again and never move again.