my relationship is a mess and id love it if i could get some sort of outside perspective on it

[Ez]

For reference, I'm a fifteen year old trans nonbinary kid who's a freshman in high school, and my boyfriend is almost 17 and a junior, and yes, i am well aware of how terrible of a partner i have been.

We've been kinda dating for a few months now, and talking nonstop for a little while longer, but i'm really having doubts about being with him. We went on our first date back in december, and we both thought of it as a date but neither of us wanted to make it awkward and ask if it was a date and we stayed in that awkward place for like a month until he asked me out. I said yes bc i really liked him at the time, but then i broke up with him three days later feeling as if i had just made a huge mistake, because the age gap seems weird to me, and i felt like i could never be the partner he needs, thanks to a bunch of mental health issues I have. About a week and a half later, i realized that i liked him more than i thought, so i asked him out again, only to start down a spiral that caused me to have many suicidal thoughts, and i realized that it would be better to break things off before he found out how shitty i actually am. Now, my feelings are coming back all the way, but along with them are some things that he does that make me very uncomfortable, but at the same time all i want is to be as close as humanly possible to him because i think i might love him, but at the same time i kinda hate him for how he makes me feel. I just really need some advice on this whole situation because i am so confused and scared, plus im in a major mental health spiral with way too many intrusive thoughts to have an unbiased opinion.

• the reasons why i want to dump him
  • My entire sense of self worth is based on adult validation and all the adults in my life hate him
  • He isn't super ambitious and i am incredibly ambitious
  • He makes way to many sex jokes which make me uncomfortable as an ace person and make me feel like an object
  • His friends make me very uncomfortable
  • He's over 1.5 years older than me
  • I don't believe in high school sweethearts
  • If i die it will hurt him less if we aren't together
  • I don't want him to base his life plans off of me cus im not gonna be there for his entire life
• reasons i want to stay with him
  • he makes me feel safe whenever he isn't making sex jokes
  • he listens to me
  • he knows me better than anyone else
  • i cant hurt him
  • hes really pretty

[Aurora]

5 hours ago, Ez said:

For reference, I'm a fifteen year old trans nonbinary kid who's a freshman in high school, and my boyfriend is almost 17 and a junior, and yes, i am well aware of how terrible of a partner i have been.

We've been kinda dating for a few months now, and talking nonstop for a little while longer, but i'm really having doubts about being with him. We went on our first date back in december, and we both thought of it as a date but neither of us wanted to make it awkward and ask if it was a date and we stayed in that awkward place for like a month until he asked me out. I said yes bc i really liked him at the time, but then i broke up with him three days later feeling as if i had just made a huge mistake, because the age gap seems weird to me, and i felt like i could never be the partner he needs, thanks to a bunch of mental health issues I have. About a week and a half later, i realized that i liked him more than i thought, so i asked him out again, only to start down a spiral that caused me to have many suicidal thoughts, and i realized that it would be better to break things off before he found out how shitty i actually am. Now, my feelings are coming back all the way, but along with them are some things that he does that make me very uncomfortable, but at the same time all i want is to be as close as humanly possible to him because i think i might love him, but at the same time i kinda hate him for how he makes me feel. I just really need some advice on this whole situation because i am so confused and scared, plus im in a major mental health spiral with way too many intrusive thoughts to have an unbiased opinion.

• the reasons why i want to dump him
  • My entire sense of self worth is based on adult validation and all the adults in my life hate him
  • He isn't super ambitious and i am incredibly ambitious
  • He makes way to many sex jokes which make me uncomfortable as an ace person and make me feel like an object
  • His friends make me very uncomfortable
  • He's over 1.5 years older than me
  • I don't believe in high school sweethearts
  • If i die it will hurt him less if we aren't together
  • I don't want him to base his life plans off of me cus im not gonna be there for his entire life
• reasons i want to stay with him
  • he makes me feel safe whenever he isn't making sex jokes
  • he listens to me
  • he knows me better than anyone else
  • i cant hurt him
  • hes really pretty

Hi @Ez,

Thanks so much for being so open and telling us about the doubts you've been having since getting together with your boyfriend. I can tell that you really care about him and that you don't want to hurt his feelings. However, it does sound like there are a lot of things to consider here and I get a sense that it's really important for you prioritise your own mental health right now. Would you agree?

I noticed that you mentioned that you have been having suicidal thoughts recently. Before I talk to you about the other things you have mentioned wanted to check with you if you have told anyone else about these thoughts and if you're getting any support with this? Also, are you feeling safe right now? I know this is a very direct question to ask but your safety really is the most important thing here! It's OK to say if you're not feeling safe. The more we know the better we can support you. 

I can see that you are based in the US so I am going to share some crisis information with you with some services that you can contact 

 

-The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988 (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text)  https://988lifeline.org/ 

 

 

- Crisis Text Line: Text "HELLO" to 741741 This is a text-based support for those in crisis, available 24/7.

I'm also going to add this as a resource. I'm not sure if this is helpful if you're in crisis (as they are only available three hours a day) but you can contact Teenline anonymously and talk it out with a trained teen who will listen without judgement and can give you extra resources if you need

 - You can either call 800-852-8336 Nationwide (6 PM - 10 PM PST)    or text Teen to 839863 (6 PM - 9 PM PST) for peer to peer support

- Remember, you can always call the emergency services or go to your local emergency department at the hospital for support

I have kept your post in WWYD hidden, so it doesn't get confusing to have the same message twice. It might be easier for everyone to reply to this message so you have all the replies in one spot. I hope that's OK with you. Also, please let me know if you would prefer to talk about the thoughts you've been having on confidential support. 

Thanks so much again for reaching out - please know that you are not alone and we're all here for you. 

 

[Ez]

8 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @Ez,

Thanks so much for being so open and telling us about the doubts you've been having since getting together with your boyfriend. I can tell that you really care about him and that you don't want to hurt his feelings. However, it does sound like there are a lot of things to consider here and I get a sense that it's really important for you prioritise your own mental health right now. Would you agree?

I noticed that you mentioned that you have been having suicidal thoughts recently. Before I talk to you about the other things you have mentioned wanted to check with you if you have told anyone else about these thoughts and if you're getting any support with this? Also, are you feeling safe right now? I know this is a very direct question to ask but your safety really is the most important thing here! It's OK to say if you're not feeling safe. The more we know the better we can support you. 

I can see that you are based in the US so I am going to share some crisis information with you with some services that you can contact 

-The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988 (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text)  https://988lifeline.org/ 

- Crisis Text Line: Text "HELLO" to 741741 This is a text-based support for those in crisis, available 24/7.

I'm also going to add this as a resource. I'm not sure if this is helpful if you're in crisis (as they are only available three hours a day) but you can contact Teenline anonymously and talk it out with a trained teen who will listen without judgement and can give you extra resources if you need

 - You can either call 800-852-8336 Nationwide (6 PM - 10 PM PST)    or text Teen to 839863 (6 PM - 9 PM PST) for peer to peer support

- Remember, you can always call the emergency services or go to your local emergency department at the hospital for support

I have kept your post in WWYD hidden, so it doesn't get confusing to have the same message twice. It might be easier for everyone to reply to this message so you have all the replies in one spot. I hope that's OK with you. Also, please let me know if you would prefer to talk about the thoughts you've been having on confidential support. 

Thanks so much again for reaching out - please know that you are not alone and we're all here for you. 

Yeah, it’s just kinda a lot. I haven’t told anyone about these thoughts, but I am safe right now

[Aurora]

14 hours ago, Ez said:

Yeah, it’s just kinda a lot. I haven’t told anyone about these thoughts, but I am safe right now

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe right now. I can imagine it must be a lot to deal with on your own. Do you mind me asking, if you have thought about telling someone about how you've been feeling and the thoughts you've been having? I know it can be hard to reach out for help but it sounds to me like you could do with some support at the moment. What do you think?  Can you think of anyone, who you trust who you could reach out to?

I've read through everything again that you said about your boyfriend and I get a sense that you're feeling really conflicted at the moment. Is that fair to say?  I'm wondering, whether it would be helpful to explore some of the things you said a bit more. How does that sound? For example, you mentioned that none of the adults in your life like him. Why do you think that is? Are they concerned about something, do you think? Also, can I ask, what are the most important things for you in a relationship and how does this match up with your current relationship with your boyfriend? 

[Ez]

2 hours ago, Aurora said:

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe right now. I can imagine it must be a lot to deal with on your own. Do you mind me asking, if you have thought about telling someone about how you've been feeling and the thoughts you've been having? I know it can be hard to reach out for help but it sounds to me like you could do with some support at the moment. What do you think?  Can you think of anyone, who you trust who you could reach out to?

I've read through everything again that you said about your boyfriend and I get a sense that you're feeling really conflicted at the moment. Is that fair to say?  I'm wondering, whether it would be helpful to explore some of the things you said a bit more. How does that sound? For example, you mentioned that none of the adults in your life like him. Why do you think that is? Are they concerned about something, do you think? Also, can I ask, what are the most important things for you in a relationship and how does this match up with your current relationship with your boyfriend? 

I have thought a lot about reaching out to people, however I can’t tell anyone who could tell my mom, because that hasn’t ended well previously. 

Yea, conflicted is the right word for it. I don’t entirely know why they don’t like him, but I think it’s because his goals are in the music industry instead of academic. My mom also seems to be pretty transphobic and he’s trans, and she doesn’t like him very much for that. My main things i look for in a relationship is feeling safe with the person, and he really does make me feel safe, but i still get really scared about someone finding out about us and that I’ll end up hurting him more by being with him. 

[Aurora]

2 minutes ago, Ez said:

I have thought a lot about reaching out to people, however I can’t tell anyone who could tell my mom, because that hasn’t ended well previously. 

Yea, conflicted is the right word for it. I don’t entirely know why they don’t like him, but I think it’s because his goals are in the music industry instead of academic. My mom also seems to be pretty transphobic and he’s trans, and she doesn’t like him very much for that. My main things i look for in a relationship is feeling safe with the person, and he really does make me feel safe, but i still get really scared about someone finding out about us and that I’ll end up hurting him more by being with him. 

Thanks for being so open with us and explaining a bit more why you can't reach out to someone. You mentioned that whoever you talk to couldn't tell your mom, because that didn't end well previously. Can I ask what happened? The reason why I am asking is so I can understand your situation better -    please don't feel you have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable to. We can also continue to talk about this in confidential support if you prefer. 

That's really lovely that he makes you feel safe . That's so important. Anything else that is important to you in a relationship? I noticed that you said that you are really scared about someone finding out about you. Does that mean that you have to date in secret? That must be really difficult if that's the case....

It's strange isn't it how people often judge others for wanting to pursue their artistic talents - even if this is what makes them happy or what they are really interested in. It's nice that your boyfriend has goals and that he knows what he wants to do. Does he make music himself? 

I'm really sorry to hear that your mom is pretty transphobic. Do you mind me asking, if you have come out to her yet and if so, how did she react? I know this is a very personal question so again, please don't feel you have to answer if you don't want to. We are here for you if you want to talk about it. 

Just to let you know that I have to log off now and I won't be back online until Tuesday.  The other support mentors will be online later/over the weekend and you can always talk to them in the meantime if you like. 

[Ez]

24 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Thanks for being so open with us and explaining a bit more why you can't reach out to someone. You mentioned that whoever you talk to couldn't tell your mom, because that didn't end well previously. Can I ask what happened? The reason why I am asking is so I can understand your situation better -    please don't feel you have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable to. We can also continue to talk about this in confidential support if you prefer. 

That's really lovely that he makes you feel safe . That's so important. Anything else that is important to you in a relationship? I noticed that you said that you are really scared about someone finding out about you. Does that mean that you have to date in secret? That must be really difficult if that's the case....

It's strange isn't it how people often judge others for wanting to pursue their artistic talents - even if this is what makes them happy or what they are really interested in. It's nice that your boyfriend has goals and that he knows what he wants to do. Does he make music himself? 

I'm really sorry to hear that your mom is pretty transphobic. Do you mind me asking, if you have come out to her yet and if so, how did she react? I know this is a very personal question so again, please don't feel you have to answer if you don't want to. We are here for you if you want to talk about it. 

Just to let you know that I have to log off now and I won't be back online until Tuesday.  The other support mentors will be online later/over the weekend and you can always talk to them in the meantime if you like. 

She just asked if she needed to start doing checks for SH marks and didn’t ask what triggered the thoughts or if there was anything she could do, or even just ask how i was doing then, it was very accusatory, not caring. 

Mutual respect is also pretty important, but i feel like we are pretty good in that respect, like some things make me kinda uncomfortable, but for the most part if i tell him that, he respects that and doesn’t do it again. We do have to date in private because if my mom finds out I’ll probably get in a ton of trouble and I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore at all. 

So about a year ago i was outed because she went through my phone, computer, and search history. She yelled at me for “choosing a lazy name” and then never used the pronouns that I prefer, and basically acted like it never happened, which was worse than never coming out. Like I am so lucky that I wasn’t kicked out, but she treats me almost like i’m lesser because of my gender identity, and it’s awful. 

Yep, ty for telling me

[Luie]

20 hours ago, Ez said:

She just asked if she needed to start doing checks for SH marks and didn’t ask what triggered the thoughts or if there was anything she could do, or even just ask how i was doing then, it was very accusatory, not caring. 

Mutual respect is also pretty important, but i feel like we are pretty good in that respect, like some things make me kinda uncomfortable, but for the most part if i tell him that, he respects that and doesn’t do it again. We do have to date in private because if my mom finds out I’ll probably get in a ton of trouble and I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore at all. 

So about a year ago i was outed because she went through my phone, computer, and search history. She yelled at me for “choosing a lazy name” and then never used the pronouns that I prefer, and basically acted like it never happened, which was worse than never coming out. Like I am so lucky that I wasn’t kicked out, but she treats me almost like i’m lesser because of my gender identity, and it’s awful. 

Yep, ty for telling me

 

Heyy @Ez, Aurora is off for the weekend, so I thought I'll jump in, hope that is alright?

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly tough to deal with such accusatory reactions when you're already dealing with a lot. It's understandable that you'd feel hurt and frustrated by the lack of empathy and support from your mom, especially after being outed in such a violating way. Dealing with someone who doesn't acknowledge or respect your gender identity must be incredibly challenging. It's completely valid to feel hurt and invalidated by your mom's actions. 

It's really positive to hear that you and your partner have built a relationship based on mutual respect, even though you have to navigate some discomforts. It's important to have that understanding and space in any relationship, especially when there are external pressures like the need to keep your dating private.

I'm curious, how have you been coping with all of this? And do you have any support systems or strategies in place to help you navigate these difficult situations?

 

[Ez]

6 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @Ez, Aurora is off for the weekend, so I thought I'll jump in, hope that is alright?

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds incredibly tough to deal with such accusatory reactions when you're already dealing with a lot. It's understandable that you'd feel hurt and frustrated by the lack of empathy and support from your mom, especially after being outed in such a violating way. Dealing with someone who doesn't acknowledge or respect your gender identity must be incredibly challenging. It's completely valid to feel hurt and invalidated by your mom's actions. 

It's really positive to hear that you and your partner have built a relationship based on mutual respect, even though you have to navigate some discomforts. It's important to have that understanding and space in any relationship, especially when there are external pressures like the need to keep your dating private.

I'm curious, how have you been coping with all of this? And do you have any support systems or strategies in place to help you navigate these difficult situations?

Yep, that works. 

Yea it’s just really obnoxious and painful when she does that. 

I don’t really cope with much, i pretty much just stuff everything down until I can’t anymore, which sometimes leads to me sh-ing. I have some people that I talk to sometimes about this stuff, but not super consistently, but I do try to journal and stuff to deal with it

[Luie]

On 3/16/2024 at 3:36 PM, Ez said:

Yep, that works. 

Yea it’s just really obnoxious and painful when she does that. 

I don’t really cope with much, i pretty much just stuff everything down until I can’t anymore, which sometimes leads to me sh-ing. I have some people that I talk to sometimes about this stuff, but not super consistently, but I do try to journal and stuff to deal with it

 

 

I hear you @Ez. It's incredibly frustrating when you're faced with hurtful behaviour from someone who should be supportive. And I can imagine how tough it must be to feel like you're carrying so much on your own. It sounds like you're trying your best to manage, even though it's not easy. Journaling can be a really helpful way to process your thoughts and emotions, so it's great that you're using that as an outlet. And reaching out to people, even if it's not super consistent, shows that you're still seeking connection and support, which is really important.

 

I want to make sure you're also staying safe, especially when it comes to self-harm. It's understandable that you sometimes feel overwhelmed and resort to SH, but it's crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being. Is there anything specific that helps you when you're feeling the urge to self-harm? And do you have any support systems or resources you can turn to if things feel too overwhelming?

 

[Ez]

44 minutes ago, Luie said:

I hear you @Ez. It's incredibly frustrating when you're faced with hurtful behaviour from someone who should be supportive. And I can imagine how tough it must be to feel like you're carrying so much on your own. It sounds like you're trying your best to manage, even though it's not easy. Journaling can be a really helpful way to process your thoughts and emotions, so it's great that you're using that as an outlet. And reaching out to people, even if it's not super consistent, shows that you're still seeking connection and support, which is really important.

I want to make sure you're also staying safe, especially when it comes to self-harm. It's understandable that you sometimes feel overwhelmed and resort to SH, but it's crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being. Is there anything specific that helps you when you're feeling the urge to self-harm? And do you have any support systems or resources you can turn to if things feel too overwhelming?

Typically when I feel the urge to SH I tend to just kinda scroll and play stupid games on my phone until the urge goes away or until i can go to bed without drawing too much attention to myself. I can talk to my boyfriend abt this stuff occasionally, but I typically don’t because it can be really triggering for him, and I don’t want him to go back to that place after how hard he’s worked to get out of it, and sometimes, if the thoughts are too much, I’ll text the Trevor Project lifeline/988 just to try and get myself out of the thought cycle. 

[Duckie]

39 minutes ago, Ez said:

Typically when I feel the urge to SH I tend to just kinda scroll and play stupid games on my phone until the urge goes away or until i can go to bed without drawing too much attention to myself. I can talk to my boyfriend abt this stuff occasionally, but I typically don’t because it can be really triggering for him, and I don’t want him to go back to that place after how hard he’s worked to get out of it, and sometimes, if the thoughts are too much, I’ll text the Trevor Project lifeline/988 just to try and get myself out of the thought cycle. 

Hi @Ez,

Duckie here. It's really good that you are able to identify ways of distracting yourself when these thoughts play on your mind. It is actually known to reduce anxiety by playing casual colour/pattern matching games, like candy crush and tetris etc. - supported by science and all, so not stupid at all! 

Has calling the lifeline been helpful for you? You might also like to consider getting some apps on your phone in order to get tools and coping mechanisms to help you through. Would you consider trying that? 

[Ez]

54 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Ez,

Duckie here. It's really good that you are able to identify ways of distracting yourself when these thoughts play on your mind. It is actually known to reduce anxiety by playing casual colour/pattern matching games, like candy crush and tetris etc. - supported by science and all, so not stupid at all! 

Has calling the lifeline been helpful for you? You might also like to consider getting some apps on your phone in order to get tools and coping mechanisms to help you through. Would you consider trying that? 

The lifeline is typically good to talk me down from doing anything too bad, but it’s typically only a temporary fix. I would try the apps, but every app has to be approved by my parents and I can’t really have them know how much i am struggling. 

[Duckie]

13 hours ago, Ez said:

The lifeline is typically good to talk me down from doing anything too bad, but it’s typically only a temporary fix. I would try the apps, but every app has to be approved by my parents and I can’t really have them know how much i am struggling. 

Hi @Ez,

It's really good that you are being so resourceful in trying to find various ways of distracting yourself or calming yourself down. That's really good.

Shame about your apps being monitored... Some would probably be accessible through an extension on your computer or iPad for example. Would this be an alternative?

[Ez]

1 hour ago, Duckie said:

Hi @Ez,

It's really good that you are being so resourceful in trying to find various ways of distracting yourself or calming yourself down. That's really good.

Shame about your apps being monitored... Some would probably be accessible through an extension on your computer or iPad for example. Would this be an alternative?

That could definitely work

[Duckie]

10 minutes ago, Ez said:

That could definitely work

Would you feel comfortable telling me a bit about why you don't feel you can tell your parents about how you're feeling? No pressure of course if you don't want to tell me.

There's one extension called Ripple Tool, that you might like to try.

[Ez]

3 hours ago, Duckie said:

Would you feel comfortable telling me a bit about why you don't feel you can tell your parents about how you're feeling? No pressure of course if you don't want to tell me.

There's one extension called Ripple Tool, that you might like to try.

So a few years ago, right after I got the COVID vaccine, my mom basically just acted like I was no longer her child, completely icing me out, which made it very hard to talk to her about anything. Then, earlier this year, she saw some of my scars and basically only asked questions about whether or not she needed to start checking for cuts, and didn’t ask if i wanted to go to therapy, or even how i was doing. It basically just made me feel like she only cares about what’s happening to me if it affects how she could be seen, not about how I’m genuinely doing, which makes it impossible to talk to her about. My dad is a bit more understanding, but he has anger issues which makes it very difficult to be able to open up to him. 

[Duckie]

2 hours ago, Ez said:

So a few years ago, right after I got the COVID vaccine, my mom basically just acted like I was no longer her child, completely icing me out, which made it very hard to talk to her about anything. Then, earlier this year, she saw some of my scars and basically only asked questions about whether or not she needed to start checking for cuts, and didn’t ask if i wanted to go to therapy, or even how i was doing. It basically just made me feel like she only cares about what’s happening to me if it affects how she could be seen, not about how I’m genuinely doing, which makes it impossible to talk to her about. My dad is a bit more understanding, but he has anger issues which makes it very difficult to be able to open up to him. 

Hi @Ez,

Thank you for sharing that with me. I am sorry this shifted things between you and your mom. Did you have a good relationship prior to you getting vaccinated? Why do you reckon it changed your relationship? Was she against the vaccination or something like that?

Sorry to hear that she didn't ask you how you are... that's really harsh, because it reduces a complex issue to one of simply looking at cuts and scars. I can't imagine how she would think this is helpful for you to hear... Have you spoken to her about what you needed at that point and how it made you feel? Have you received any kind of support to talk about this? It sounds like your dad might be better to talk to, but that you're also worried about upsetting him. Is that fair to say?

If you would rather discuss this on confidential support, we could do that if you want  It's at the top centre of this page (under the search fiel). Up to you!