advice I feel stuck

[CL]

I don't really know where to start, I feel like there is so much worth mentioning and so many straws that broke the camel's back so to speak, but for a long time I knew I NEEDED to get away from my hometown. Now as a 21 year old male, I should be able to, but i feel stuck.

 

Lets start with school... I did bad in in. To make sure you understand the school system in my particular area, classes where essentially divided into three groups. Basic, for the dumb dumbs like me, Academic, for the average student, and advanced, for the students with advanced intelligence. As I implied, I did bad and had to go into basic classes, pretty much baring me from having any chance at most university courses without having to take adult basic education or something after.

 

This has always been something that caused a problem in me, I love science, but I'm probably too dumb to have any chance at doing anything with it, and is one of the big limiting factors that kept me here as long as I have been.

 

So lets move onto reasons why I want to leave. 1 My parents. While far from the worst parents, they are also far from great, they are very controlling, always seeming to try and pick what i should do for me. For example, when i was looking for used machines, twice they pressured me into trying for new ones when i cant afford it, succeeding once.... They make fun of me for everything, even something serious, I've heard them telling their friends all about the time i was constipated as a kid and making a huge joke about it and so many other things... And in general they are assholes, they threatened to kick my brother out because he got mad at one of their friends for hitting a dog. They threatened to kick me out because I said "if there wasn't a literal housing crisis I'd be looking to stay elsewhere" So in general, I feel like I HAVE to do what THEY want because I still live with them and if they aren't happy with something I do, I could be kicked out...

 

Small town life is bittersweet at BEST. Sure, I have easy access to the woods should I want to go on ATV or Snowmobile, but living in a town with a grand total of 300 people things can be rather limited. Not much fresh or cheap food, nothing to really do, and very few jobs (more about that later). And of course, people in small towns Suck, as a person that's the third letter in LGBTQ+, i don't feel like i can be myself.

 

Work is few and far between. This is actually the most recent problem for me too. So after getting laid off from my previous job, I spent nearly a full year jobless, unable to find a new job. I was right about to run out of EI time when a position became available at a store that was just about to open. Of course, I jumped on the opportunity and eventually became the one and only produce person. I found the work quite enjoyable, but lately, my boss has been adding more and ore on to what she wants me to do and its just not possible for me to do it all. Hell, I often couldn't do everything I needed to before she started adding stuff for me to do. I do orders, prebooks, handle the produce delivery, bring everything upstairs, make all the trays, clean, do inventory, and more. Lately my boss has been adding things that she wants me to order, these things include things that belong in deli and when added to my order gets deleted because they aren't supposed to be included in my order, as such, I never get them. And she BLAMES ME for it. She has been trying to get me to bag up bulk items like hard bread, candy, etc. These items don't go in under produce sales, as such, i see no reason why I should have to handle them, not that I usually have time to anyways. And she says the stupidest things, if I was to accidentally or unexpectedly run out of something, for example if all the mushrooms went bad and i had to toss them all out, she would come to me and say "we ran out of mushrooms, you gotta triple the order" which i already did, its why I have so many they are going bad before I even can put them out just so I can say I'm doing what she told me to. If something was shorted an item, she tells me "we ran out, you gotta triple the order" no, we didn't run out, we have been shorted this item 4 weeks running, even if i ordered 100 I'd get 0. And she always blames me, lately she has been messing around with the prices, originally she was happy with anything over a 25% markup, lately shes bumped that up to 40%+. With rising prices in general, this has lead to almost exclusively the sale items selling, but thats besides the point, she removed some of the old tags, left some of the old tags, replaced some of the old tags and than proceeded to tell me off for about 5 minutes that I cant have wrong price tags or items with no price on it at all. As well as constantly reorganizing my produce shelves without me, resulting in me not having space for some things or not knowing where something is.

 

Lately my bosses antics have causes me a lot of stress, I've been going into work with such a bad stomach from the stress that I had to stop and poke around to see if my appendix was exploding or something. I feel stomach sick as soon as I get to work. I get canker sores from stress and my mouth is full of them. I feel like I can't breath. I feel like I'm losing my mind!

 

So, i snapped. I can't stay here anymore, it's not worth it... There is no work around here, Hardly even anything in my province to be honest. I feel like I need to get far away. I considered everything... I found a college course I liked, but being the end of July, it was full and I couldn't join... I can't find any jobs of interest within 100 KM or even in my province, yet I see lots of jobs in other near by provinces, and lots that I'd be really interested in. I feel like I'm trapped... Between needing to please my parents, Missing my chance at school three times, a lack of near by work, and of course lack of money, I feel stuck in an awful situation with no hope of getting out...

 

I just don't know what to do anymore... I NEED to get away, but I feel thoroughly stuck.

[Monsoon]

Hey @CL

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out. It sounds like things have been bubbling for quite a while, and now, it has all come out, understandably, and you're now looking for your next move. It sounds like you're putting yourself under pressure to have an immediate get out plan, but the thing is, it can take a while to come up with this, and it's important to do something that works for you rather than rush into it; what do you think? Also, could you do the college course next year instead and figure out something else to do between now and then?

[CL]

@Monsoon Thank you for replying.
I've been pushing it off making a plan ever since I graduated, I really just don't feel like I can take another year of this place... I want a plan by the time all of my plants are done growing (maybe October-November) but to me even that feels like a lot now. 
And even if I did wait for next year to take the course I wanted, there's still no guarantee I'll actually get in, and that'll be another year wasted and I'm still in the same position. There simply isn't good work in such small towns for me, and certainly nothing that actually pays enough for me to do anything.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Okay, so, to achieve your dream of getting out, what is one goal you need to meet to help you along this journey? 

[CL]

@Monsoon
I don't honestly know...

to move away to a bigger town or city I need a job there to get an apartment, and I'm not going to get a job looking like I slept in my car for the past week, same goes for if i wanted to go to a different province.

to go to college or university I need to be eligible for it, which i very well probably am not.

So I don't even know where to start tbh.

 

[Aurora]

Hi @CL, I'm Aurora, one of the other support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I thought I would reply, while Monsoon is away. It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment and it can be difficult to think of the first step of what to do when there is so much other stuff going on. I noticed that you said that you look like you've been sleeping in your car for the past week. Do you mind me asking, what you meant by that? 

[CL]

@Aurora I meant that as in if I was to go away to find work, if I can't get an apartment or afford a motel room I'd have to sleep in my car, which would leave me looking pretty bad and not exactly what employers are looking for. 

I should have been more specific there

 

[Aurora]

11 minutes ago, CL said:

@Aurora I meant that as in if I was to go away to find work, if I can't get an apartment or afford a motel room I'd have to sleep in my car, which would leave me looking pretty bad and not exactly what employers are looking for. 

I should have been more specific there

Thanks for clarifying, I get your point. And I understand why you feel stuck. You said before that you've been putting off making a plan since you graduated. I'm wondering what has been stopping you from making a plan? Sometimes, when we feel stuck and we decide to change something (even if it's something very small) it can lead to some great new possibilities. What do you think? 

[CL]

@Aurora

I guess I been pushing it off because of where I didn't do well in school, I just didn't know what to do anymore. 

But now I feel like I'm at a point where I NEED to make a plan.

I missed too many opportunities by waiting and trying to figure things out. I need to figure things out now.

[Aurora]

20 hours ago, CL said:

@Aurora

I guess I been pushing it off because of where I didn't do well in school, I just didn't know what to do anymore. 

But now I feel like I'm at a point where I NEED to make a plan.

I missed too many opportunities by waiting and trying to figure things out. I need to figure things out now.

 

I love your determination! What do you think is the first thing you need to do so you can make that plan and start working towards your goal? 

 

[CL]

@Aurora

Thank you.

And that's a good question. 

I guess I have to figure out exactly what I want to do. 

What kind of job and/or career do I want to pursue?

Do I want to move away? If so where? 

Do I want to go to college? If so, am I eligible? Can I become eligible?

 

Ultimately my goal is to get away from the small town, but to achieve this goal, I need to figure out what exactly I want to do and how to do it away from here. 

 

I feel like I need time to sit down and think about it, but I got chores to do at home, a girlfriend, and I got to make time for myself to do stuff I enjoy. And often when I do have time to think I pass out. Exhausted from work usually.

[Aurora]

That's a really good list you've come up with! And I totally get what you're saying about finding the time to figure out these things. It's so difficult to make time, when we have so much else going on.

It sounds to me like the first step towards coming up with your plan is to allocate some time to do it. What do you think? I'm wondering whether you can find time before work, so you don't feel exhausted. Would that work? And maybe just scheduling in short but regular time slots (eg just 15 min at a time), where you can sit down and think about it, might work better?  I find that that works better for me and is much more achievable. 

[CL]

@Aurora

I get up at like 6:30 am and leave at 7. I'm not exactly a morning person, so I don't think that the best time for me to do my thinking.

I should be able to schedule some time here and there if I actually remember to do it. 

I feel like I'll need to write my thoughts down and maybe some of the stuff we discussed so far here.

Any suggestions on what kind of stuff I should ask myself or exactly what I should be thinking about? 

[Aurora]

22 hours ago, CL said:

@Aurora

I get up at like 6:30 am and leave at 7. I'm not exactly a morning person, so I don't think that the best time for me to do my thinking.

I should be able to schedule some time here and there if I actually remember to do it. 

I feel like I'll need to write my thoughts down and maybe some of the stuff we discussed so far here.

Any suggestions on what kind of stuff I should ask myself or exactly what I should be thinking about? 

Writing your thoughts down sounds like a really good way forward. There are lots of different things you could start off with and I think it's important to remember that our path and our goals will change throughout our life and even though it might not feel like it now, there are lots of different possibilities out there.

I'm wondering whether it might be a good idea to start off by looking at what your priorities are. You might want to think about the different aspects in your life, not just work. This could be Relationships (Friends, Family you mentioned you have a girlfriend), Finances, Health (physical and mental), Interests and Hobbies. It might help to rate how satisfied you are in the different areas of life and think about what is important to you, what's working well and what would you like to change and why? What do you think?

[CL]

@Aurora

I'm glad you think that's a good idea.

And you got a good point on my priorities and other stuff. 

 

To rate all that stuff. I'm unsatisfied with the amount of time I spend with my toxic family, it's too much. I'm unsatisfied with how much time I spend with my girlfriend, it's not enough.

I'm unsatisfied with my finances and the money I make. I am the produce MANAGER and I make less than I did when I used to be a laborer at a mine. I feel like I can't afford to do anything I want to.

My mental health is very much down the gutter from the stress here, and that's chipping at my physical health, so I'm unsatisfied there too. 

And I'm unsatisfied with how much time I get to spend on my interests and hobbies. I got in kayak 3 times this summer, that's it. And of course, not getting to do what I love plays on my mental health too 

So overall, I'd rate my satisfaction as like a 2/10.

What would be important to me right now would be getting away from here, finding a way to have more time with my girlfriend and more time for my hobbies and be able to actually afford to live. 

 

 

[Aurora]

17 minutes ago, CL said:

@Aurora

I'm glad you think that's a good idea.

And you got a good point on my priorities and other stuff. 

To rate all that stuff. I'm unsatisfied with the amount of time I spend with my toxic family, it's too much. I'm unsatisfied with how much time I spend with my girlfriend, it's not enough.

I'm unsatisfied with my finances and the money I make. I am the produce MANAGER and I make less than I did when I used to be a laborer at a mine. I feel like I can't afford to do anything I want to.

My mental health is very much down the gutter from the stress here, and that's chipping at my physical health, so I'm unsatisfied there too. 

And I'm unsatisfied with how much time I get to spend on my interests and hobbies. I got in kayak 3 times this summer, that's it. And of course, not getting to do what I love plays on my mental health too 

So overall, I'd rate my satisfaction as like a 2/10.

What would be important to me right now would be getting away from here, finding a way to have more time with my girlfriend and more time for my hobbies and be able to actually afford to live. 

That was quick! I get the impression that you are really motivated to change something which is great. And you've already come up with what's important to you right now. I'm wondering whether you can go through each point you listed that's important to you and break this down into small, practical goals if that makes sense. So eg what do you need to do to ensure that you can spend more time with your girlfriend and more time on your hobbies. What are all the steps you need to do to be able move away. What do you think? 

[CL]

@Aurora

Often times when I'm at work, even when I'm quite busy all I can think about is how things could be better, so that was a pretty easy thing for me to do.

 

All the stuff that's important to me can kinda connect, if I move out and get a good paying job I can ask my girlfriend to move in with me. If I live close to work I'll have more time to do what I enjoy, and of course, I could afford to do and see more. 

I guess than, the biggest, most important thing is getting a job and a place to stay elsewhere.  Is that a small enough of a goal? Should I brake it down farther? 

 

[Blondie]

22 hours ago, CL said:

@Aurora

Often times when I'm at work, even when I'm quite busy all I can think about is how things could be better, so that was a pretty easy thing for me to do.

All the stuff that's important to me can kinda connect, if I move out and get a good paying job I can ask my girlfriend to move in with me. If I live close to work I'll have more time to do what I enjoy, and of course, I could afford to do and see more. 

I guess than, the biggest, most important thing is getting a job and a place to stay elsewhere.  Is that a small enough of a goal? Should I brake it down farther? 

Hi there, I'm Blondie, one of the other support mentors here. Just wanted to jump in to let you know that Aurora is on leave today but will be back tomorrow to pick up on this. 

[CL]

@Blondie

Thanks for letting me know 

[Aurora]

On 8/17/2022 at 2:37 PM, CL said:

@Aurora

Often times when I'm at work, even when I'm quite busy all I can think about is how things could be better, so that was a pretty easy thing for me to do.

All the stuff that's important to me can kinda connect, if I move out and get a good paying job I can ask my girlfriend to move in with me. If I live close to work I'll have more time to do what I enjoy, and of course, I could afford to do and see more. 

I guess than, the biggest, most important thing is getting a job and a place to stay elsewhere.  Is that a small enough of a goal? Should I brake it down farther? 

That makes sense, that they are all connected. So now you have identified your big goal - getting a job and a place to stay elsewhere . How does that feel? I would suggest that you break it down into small steps. This might take a little while but I think it could really help you in reaching your goal. What do you think? In order to break it down into small steps you  might want to start by figuring out what the different areas are that you'll need to think about. These could be things  like finances, your girlfriends views, research into where you might want to go etc. Do you think that would work for you? 

[CL]

@Aurora

I think that big goal feels about right, it'll get me away from my parents, away from the small town, into a better area with more opportunities. 

My finances aren't the best, as I mentioned my parents made the decision for me to buy a new snowmobile Instead of a used, which has been stopping me from saving.  I guess a small step would be getting rid of it. 

My girlfriend is just as desperate to get out of here too and isn't too picky as to where.

As for where I'd go, I have a few places of interest, a few different towns in a few different provinces. 

Another small yet terrifying step to take is telling my parents... 

 

 

[Aurora]

Great, you're already coming up with some steps on how to reach your goal. It's interesting that your parents made the decision for you to buy a new snowmobile. Do they make a lot of your financial decisions or would you say you're independent from them with regards to finances? Also, it sounds like your parents have no idea how you feel. Is that right? How do you think they would react of you told them? Do you think they would be supportive if they knew that all of this is having an impact on your wellbeing? 

[CL]

@Aurora

I don't remember if I mentioned in my post, but in general they try to make a lot of my decisions for me.  Decided I should buy a new snowmobile instead of used. Decided I should buy a new car instead of used, luckily I found a good deal on a used car and that convinced them otherwise. Decided for me that I need to build a new chicken coop. So on and so forth.  

My mom is aware of how I feel, but she doesn't take it very seriously. Both are unaware of just how desperately I want to get away and I'm scared to tell them. Honestly if I go to list reasons why I want to go away and I say the wrong thing they could threaten to kick me out, or actually follow through on their threats. 

It often feels like they don't care about my mental wellbeing , if I sat them down and said my current situation is driving me insane and making me depressed, they'll probably straight up just Laugh at me because they don't take me seriously or support me.

[Aurora]

21 minutes ago, CL said:

@Aurora

I don't remember if I mentioned in my post, but in general they try to make a lot of my decisions for me.  Decided I should buy a new snowmobile instead of used. Decided I should buy a new car instead of used, luckily I found a good deal on a used car and that convinced them otherwise. Decided for me that I need to build a new chicken coop. So on and so forth.  

My mom is aware of how I feel, but she doesn't take it very seriously. Both are unaware of just how desperately I want to get away and I'm scared to tell them. Honestly if I go to list reasons why I want to go away and I say the wrong thing they could threaten to kick me out, or actually follow through on their threats. 

It often feels like they don't care about my mental wellbeing , if I sat them down and said my current situation is driving me insane and making me depressed, they'll probably straight up just Laugh at me because they don't take me seriously or support me.

I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds really tough! Do you think it would be easier if you wrote a letter or an email to them? Then you wouldn't have to worry so much about saying the wrong thing, because you can read through it before you give it to them? Do you think that might work? 

[CL]

@Aurora

I feel like they would laugh at me sending an email. We live under the same roof and whatnot.

Wouldn't be a bad idea though to write out what to say if they ask why I want to leave. That way I'll have my thoughts sorted and nothing will slip. 

 

Or I could find a way to make them think it's their idea and when they say something like 'why don't you look into going away for work ' I can just say "oh you know, that's a good idea"