I've just started T and I'm really scared

[Marv]

*I've put a trigger warning on this post just because I really don't know how people are with talk about testosterone bottom growth and g3n1tali4. I'm also really not sure where to put this post so it's in general questions...*

Hi all,

So, I'm a transguy and I started T last week Thursday. I did hours and hours of research, I made list after list of all the potential effects I might experience, I watched Youtube videos of people documenting their transitions, I did it all. When I got my prescription last week, I cried with happiness, relief, joy, I was so incredibly happy. When I applied my first dose I was really happy, there was a giant smile on my face. Then, a day or so after, I started getting extremely anxious. For the past few days, I've been experiencing intense waves of anxiety and panic to the point where I feel sick and I'm shaky. I've been anxious about the changes that are to come, especially bottom growth. I feel like lots of transguys aren't really that connected to their birth body, whereas I'd very much accepted that my birth body is all I have and that my voice is all I have, I've had this body for 22 years and it's going to start changing and I struggle enormously with change - I believe I'm autistic. Everyone's different, everyone's bottom growth looks different, which is really screwing up my brain because I'm the kind person who needs to to know every single detail about everything, I need to know how things are gonna go, but everyone's experience on T is different so that really isn't helping :( I don't know what mine is going to look like, feel like, and that stresses me out. I've seen diagrams and a photo of bottom growth and honestly, I don't really want it, but I thought I'd accepted that it was part of the package, apparently it's way more bigger deal in my head than I thought it was going to be. 

I want all the changes that come with T, I really do, but for some reason bottom growth is REALLY getting to me, There's a few reasons I think why, but it's making things really tough, it's making me doubt myself, question my identity, my want for hormones, and it's incredibly frustrating. I'm asexual for starters, I'm repulsed and freaked out by sex, mastaubation, and genitalia. I have never mastaubated, I've never even really investigated my downstairs region at all. It's just never been a thing that I've done and that isn't because of gender dysphoria (I very rarely get bottom dysphoria) it's just never been something I've done. Secondly, genitalia, for some reason, has always and still does freak me out. I've not had any trauma relating to my downstairs or anything, but I'm really freaked and grossed out by genitalia,so the idea that I've got to clean it when it grows freaks me the hell out. Another thing to add to the pile, I have OCD and it's already latched onto my worries. I'm getting intrusive images of genitals, lots of 'what if' and doubtful thoughts about my gender, identity, and my want for hormones, I get thoughts like 'if you go to the toilet, you'll grow a giant penis', which is really distressing and means I then avoid going to the toilet or showering. I also didn't know until recently that you had to clean it, and now I keep getting thoughts that I'm unclean. I also keep compulsively checking for it even though it's only been 6 days on T. It's really exhausting.

I've emailed a service that works alongside the gender service I'm with and I've also contacted my local mental health service to talk about the OCD side of things. I feel unsupported. I feel like I reach out and people just go 'well clearly you're not ready for T then'. I believe I am, I'm just incredibly uncomfortable about genitalia. I don't want my OCD and discomfort around genitalia to ruin my transition. I don't know what to do :( 

Edited April 12, 2023 by Marv

[Luie]

On 4/12/2023 at 2:54 PM, Marv said:

*I've put a trigger warning on this post just because I really don't know how people are with talk about testosterone bottom growth and g3n1tali4. I'm also really not sure where to put this post so it's in general questions...*

Hi all,

So, I'm a transguy and I started T last week Thursday. I did hours and hours of research, I made list after list of all the potential effects I might experience, I watched Youtube videos of people documenting their transitions, I did it all. When I got my prescription last week, I cried with happiness, relief, joy, I was so incredibly happy. When I applied my first dose I was really happy, there was a giant smile on my face. Then, a day or so after, I started getting extremely anxious. For the past few days, I've been experiencing intense waves of anxiety and panic to the point where I feel sick and I'm shaky. I've been anxious about the changes that are to come, especially bottom growth. I feel like lots of transguys aren't really that connected to their birth body, whereas I'd very much accepted that my birth body is all I have and that my voice is all I have, I've had this body for 22 years and it's going to start changing and I struggle enormously with change - I believe I'm autistic. Everyone's different, everyone's bottom growth looks different, which is really screwing up my brain because I'm the kind person who needs to to know every single detail about everything, I need to know how things are gonna go, but everyone's experience on T is different so that really isn't helping :( I don't know what mine is going to look like, feel like, and that stresses me out. I've seen diagrams and a photo of bottom growth and honestly, I don't really want it, but I thought I'd accepted that it was part of the package, apparently it's way more bigger deal in my head than I thought it was going to be. 

I want all the changes that come with T, I really do, but for some reason bottom growth is REALLY getting to me, There's a few reasons I think why, but it's making things really tough, it's making me doubt myself, question my identity, my want for hormones, and it's incredibly frustrating. I'm asexual for starters, I'm repulsed and freaked out by sex, mastaubation, and genitalia. I have never mastaubated, I've never even really investigated my downstairs region at all. It's just never been a thing that I've done and that isn't because of gender dysphoria (I very rarely get bottom dysphoria) it's just never been something I've done. Secondly, genitalia, for some reason, has always and still does freak me out. I've not had any trauma relating to my downstairs or anything, but I'm really freaked and grossed out by genitalia,so the idea that I've got to clean it when it grows freaks me the hell out. Another thing to add to the pile, I have OCD and it's already latched onto my worries. I'm getting intrusive images of genitals, lots of 'what if' and doubtful thoughts about my gender, identity, and my want for hormones, I get thoughts like 'if you go to the toilet, you'll grow a giant penis', which is really distressing and means I then avoid going to the toilet or showering. I also didn't know until recently that you had to clean it, and now I keep getting thoughts that I'm unclean. I also keep compulsively checking for it even though it's only been 6 days on T. It's really exhausting.

I've emailed a service that works alongside the gender service I'm with and I've also contacted my local mental health service to talk about the OCD side of things. I feel unsupported. I feel like I reach out and people just go 'well clearly you're not ready for T then'. I believe I am, I'm just incredibly uncomfortable about genitalia. I don't want my OCD and discomfort around genitalia to ruin my transition. I don't know what to do :( 

 

Heyy @Marv, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. 

First of all, I want to commend you for seeking out information and doing your research before starting testosterone. It's important to be informed about the potential changes and effects of hormones. It's totally understandable that you're feeling anxious and overwhelmed about the changes that will come with taking T. Change can be difficult, especially when it comes to our bodies. It's okay to have concerns and questions about what will happen to your body. It's also important to recognize that everyone's experience on testosterone is different, and there's no "right" way to transition. You don't have to want or like every aspect of the changes that come with testosterone. It's okay to have preferences and to feel uncomfortable about certain changes, here to speak about this with you more if you'd like either on community or one to one on confidential support. 

Regarding your concerns about bottom growth, it's important to remember that it's a natural and normal part of hormone therapy for trans men. However, it's also okay to not be comfortable with it. It's important to communicate your concerns and preferences with your healthcare provider, so they can help you navigate your transition in a way that feels comfortable for you. It's great that you've reached out for support and have contacted mental health services to address your OCD. It's important to take care of your mental health during your transition.  I am thinking that it can be helpful to talk to a therapist who has experience working with trans individuals, would you be able to access someone in your area for this? I do think with the right in person and online support you could have a smoother transition. What do you think about this?

This is a safe space and you are not alone in your feelings and concerns. It's okay to take things at your own pace and to ask for support and help when you need it. You are valid and deserving of care and support throughout your transition.

 

[Marv]

Hi @Digital Mentor 

1 hour ago, Luie said:

Heyy @Marv, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. 

First of all, I want to commend you for seeking out information and doing your research before starting testosterone. It's important to be informed about the potential changes and effects of hormones. It's totally understandable that you're feeling anxious and overwhelmed about the changes that will come with taking T. Change can be difficult, especially when it comes to our bodies. It's okay to have concerns and questions about what will happen to your body. It's also important to recognize that everyone's experience on testosterone is different, and there's no "right" way to transition. You don't have to want or like every aspect of the changes that come with testosterone. It's okay to have preferences and to feel uncomfortable about certain changes, here to speak about this with you more if you'd like either on community or one to one on confidential support. 

Regarding your concerns about bottom growth, it's important to remember that it's a natural and normal part of hormone therapy for trans men. However, it's also okay to not be comfortable with it. It's important to communicate your concerns and preferences with your healthcare provider, so they can help you navigate your transition in a way that feels comfortable for you. It's great that you've reached out for support and have contacted mental health services to address your OCD. It's important to take care of your mental health during your transition.  I am thinking that it can be helpful to talk to a therapist who has experience working with trans individuals, would you be able to access someone in your area for this? I do think with the right in person and online support you could have a smoother transition. What do you think about this?

This is a safe space and you are not alone in your feelings and concerns. It's okay to take things at your own pace and to ask for support and help when you need it. You are valid and deserving of care and support throughout your transition.

Hey Luie

Thank for your reply, I really appreciate it. I've reached out to some people online and some haven't been so nice to me. Some have said I'm not ready and shouldn't go on T which really upset me and triggered my OCD. It's good to hear that it's okay to not look forward to or want or be comfortable with every change that T brings, it seems some people on the internet think you HAVE to. Bottom growth is literally the ONLY change that concerns me, everything else I want. I guess, my question is, how do I get around that? It, I think, mostly comes down to my discomfort around genitalia in general, if I can get comfortable with genitalia that would probably solve most of the problems? I think sorting out the OCD would help massively too because the other problem is that I see genitalia as dirty which means when it comes to cleaning the bottom growth, if I need to, I'm not sure if I could do it, but the NHS is incredibly slow :( 

As for seeing a therapist, I'd love to but I don't think there is anyone in my area who can offer trans related support. I'm in a tiny Welsh town so there's pretty much no therapist choice and I unfortunately don't have money to spare for therapy. 

Also, confidential support? is there a way we can chat privately? 

[Blondie]

1 hour ago, Marv said:

Hi @Digital Mentor 

Hey Luie

Thank for your reply, I really appreciate it. I've reached out to some people online and some haven't been so nice to me. Some have said I'm not ready and shouldn't go on T which really upset me and triggered my OCD. It's good to hear that it's okay to not look forward to or want or be comfortable with every change that T brings, it seems some people on the internet think you HAVE to. Bottom growth is literally the ONLY change that concerns me, everything else I want. I guess, my question is, how do I get around that? It, I think, mostly comes down to my discomfort around genitalia in general, if I can get comfortable with genitalia that would probably solve most of the problems? I think sorting out the OCD would help massively too because the other problem is that I see genitalia as dirty which means when it comes to cleaning the bottom growth, if I need to, I'm not sure if I could do it, but the NHS is incredibly slow :( 

As for seeing a therapist, I'd love to but I don't think there is anyone in my area who can offer trans related support. I'm in a tiny Welsh town so there's pretty much no therapist choice and I unfortunately don't have money to spare for therapy. 

Also, confidential support? is there a way we can chat privately? 

Hey @Marv Just jumping in to say you can access Confidential Support at the top of the page - next to 'blogs'. 

(I'll leave the conversation for our mentors to pick up on).

[Luie]

22 hours ago, Marv said:

Hi @Digital Mentor 

Hey Luie

Thank for your reply, I really appreciate it. I've reached out to some people online and some haven't been so nice to me. Some have said I'm not ready and shouldn't go on T which really upset me and triggered my OCD. It's good to hear that it's okay to not look forward to or want or be comfortable with every change that T brings, it seems some people on the internet think you HAVE to. Bottom growth is literally the ONLY change that concerns me, everything else I want. I guess, my question is, how do I get around that? It, I think, mostly comes down to my discomfort around genitalia in general, if I can get comfortable with genitalia that would probably solve most of the problems? I think sorting out the OCD would help massively too because the other problem is that I see genitalia as dirty which means when it comes to cleaning the bottom growth, if I need to, I'm not sure if I could do it, but the NHS is incredibly slow :( 

As for seeing a therapist, I'd love to but I don't think there is anyone in my area who can offer trans related support. I'm in a tiny Welsh town so there's pretty much no therapist choice and I unfortunately don't have money to spare for therapy. 

Also, confidential support? is there a way we can chat privately? 

Heyy @Marv, sounds good. I have responded on Confidential Support. Cheers. 

Thanks for signposting @Blondie!