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There are 2 trigger warnings for this post Self harm and Disordered Eating.
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So like earlier this year i was 108lbs. And I'm 5'1 so that was a good weight for me that i was happy with. I was happy with my appearance too. I was still skinny. Had a six-pack. But since then i've gotten like not taller at all really and gained 7lbs. And its really throwing me off. I tried starving myself for a few weeks and it was working, bringing me down to 111lbs but my mom figured it out and soon started forcing me to eat again. and before that and still to this day i do SH because of overall hate of my body. I've tried working out to loose fat but it hasn't really worked. while my core and muscles have gotten stronger theres no visible difference in my stomach fat. i hate my voice, my height, the fat on my stomach, hips, butt, and thighs, my lack of facial hair, how small my hands and feet are, everything. things i cant do anything about. so i hurt myself because i dont like myself. i hurt myself out of anxiety too. i haven't relapsed in a while though. like i think since tuesday which is pretty good for me. and before that i had a long stretch of like over a week of no SH which was really good. but i still dont know what to fucking do with my self-hatred. i double bind often bc i hate my chest and one binder doesn't cover everything and flatten me enough and that hurts me a lot too.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out to us about this. It sounds like you're going through a really tough period with your image at the moment, and I'm wondering, how long have things been like this for? I noticed what you said about binding your chest, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that hatred you feel towards your chest? 

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4 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out to us about this. It sounds like you're going through a really tough period with your image at the moment, and I'm wondering, how long have things been like this for? I noticed what you said about binding your chest, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that hatred you feel towards your chest? 

probably around june-julyish did the hatred towards my body start. SH started around beginning of august. had never even thought of it before then.

and as for my chest, i dont even have a large chest. im really small chested really, just binders dont fit me right. since my shoulders are wide. so, (going by gc2b), while my chest fits an XS my shoulders are a medium. and I've tried smalls to meet in the middle but they just dont fit right. only mediums do. except they're massive on my chest and dont compress me well enough for my comfort.

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  • Digital Mentor
19 hours ago, RYD1NG H4WKS said:

probably around june-julyish did the hatred towards my body start. SH started around beginning of august. had never even thought of it before then.

and as for my chest, i dont even have a large chest. im really small chested really, just binders dont fit me right. since my shoulders are wide. so, (going by gc2b), while my chest fits an XS my shoulders are a medium. and I've tried smalls to meet in the middle but they just dont fit right. only mediums do. except they're massive on my chest and dont compress me well enough for my comfort.

Hey there,

Yeah, that sounds pretty uncomfortable with your chest. How has that been for you emotionally? Also, I'm wondering, did something happen around that June-July time to make you start hating your body? 

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2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, that sounds pretty uncomfortable with your chest. How has that been for you emotionally? Also, I'm wondering, did something happen around that June-July time to make you start hating your body? 

i mean just the constantly hatred of seeing or feeling parts of my body sends dread through me. i dont really know how to explain the feeling but it just mades me full of hatred and depressed and sometimes i start crying and trying to hurt myself, wanting to just rip parts of my body off.

and i dont think so. I dont know why things started then. maybe summer? its my first summer being out and stuff and because i was around family who misgendered me a lot that coulda caused it? idk thou

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Yeah, it really sounds like you're at a low point with how you feel about your body now. I know that from supporting people experiencing similar feelings is that they can come and go, and for a period of time, they can be quite strong and overwhelming, and then for some time after, they seem to quieten down. What do you think about that? 

I'm wondering, have you heard of gender dysphoria? If so, do you think you might experiencing that at the moment? 

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18 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, it really sounds like you're at a low point with how you feel about your body now. I know that from supporting people experiencing similar feelings is that they can come and go, and for a period of time, they can be quite strong and overwhelming, and then for some time after, they seem to quieten down. What do you think about that? 

I'm wondering, have you heard of gender dysphoria? If so, do you think you might experiencing that at the moment? 

its just gonna be at a minimum of 4 years before I can do anything to alter my body. I think almost all of the feelings of self-hatred are around female-puberty related things, since if my body fat distributed like a males it wouldn't build up as much in places i dislike. and it probably wouldn't even be there cuz testosterone speeds up metabolism. so knowing things will get better is nice but they cant right now.

yeah, i have pretty bad body and gender dysphoria. and im aware of it. but nothing i can do can really make it go away.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

Yeah, it does sound like the dysphoria is pretty bad at the moment, and I can see how this is all really challenging and emotional for you. I'm wondering, is it always this intense, or do you have times when it feels easier? I just want to also acknowledge how well you are doing to cope with all of this. It sounds like you're really experiencing a tough emotional battle every day, and that is not easy to cope with, so I'm glad that you're managing to get by. 

By the way, does anyone else know about what you're going through at the moment?

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2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, it does sound like the dysphoria is pretty bad at the moment, and I can see how this is all really challenging and emotional for you. I'm wondering, is it always this intense, or do you have times when it feels easier? I just want to also acknowledge how well you are doing to cope with all of this. It sounds like you're really experiencing a tough emotional battle every day, and that is not easy to cope with, so I'm glad that you're managing to get by. 

By the way, does anyone else know about what you're going through at the moment?

its almost always this intense. im constantly worried if im passing, sometimes for my own safety, but often just for myself, and just being in public spaces gives me so much anxiety around my appearance that its hard to function. on occasion, when im wearing like 2 good binders and a thicker yet well-fitted shirt, and shorts (pants make me really dysphoric), i can feel alright. but like coats that bunch up around my chest, and like i said, pants, make me dysphoric and we're in winter rn so like its cold out and i needa wear stuff like that so things are harder.

and yeah, Ive been in therapy for a year and a half and my mom knows my struggles over my body image and with SH (which i just relapsed on today... got over a week w out doing it though)

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear that it's almost always this intense. I'm wondering, can you tell me about a time when you feel you've been able to cope better with the dysphoria? 

Also, thank you for sharing with us that you have relapsed today. It's great that you were able to go for a week without doing it; what do you think helped with that? I just want to check that you're safe as well after SH; do you need medical attention at all? 

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20 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear that it's almost always this intense. I'm wondering, can you tell me about a time when you feel you've been able to cope better with the dysphoria? 

Also, thank you for sharing with us that you have relapsed today. It's great that you were able to go for a week without doing it; what do you think helped with that? I just want to check that you're safe as well after SH; do you need medical attention at all? 

usually im better with gender dysphoria when im at my karate dojo, because im fully out as trans there, but the uniform makes me extremely dysphoric over my body, so its a give and take there. i have a group of friends at school that im stealth with and they jokingly call me cute a lot and have no idea that im trans, so whenever im with them things are good. i also like tighter fitting shirts and stuff in contrary to hoodies, because when i do feel good about how my chest looks i want to show off how flat it is, if that makes any sense. its kinda sporadic though, like sometimes a shirt will make me feel rlly good and another time make me feel like shit.

and no, im alright. it was only 2 cuts on my hand that are fairly minor. and i think the reason i was good for a while is cuz on tuesday i got a really high promotion in karate and that kept me at a mental high for a bit. and i was at karate like every day last week and being there makes me happy.

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  • Digital Mentor
2 hours ago, RYD1NG H4WKS said:

usually im better with gender dysphoria when im at my karate dojo, because im fully out as trans there, but the uniform makes me extremely dysphoric over my body, so its a give and take there. i have a group of friends at school that im stealth with and they jokingly call me cute a lot and have no idea that im trans, so whenever im with them things are good. i also like tighter fitting shirts and stuff in contrary to hoodies, because when i do feel good about how my chest looks i want to show off how flat it is, if that makes any sense. its kinda sporadic though, like sometimes a shirt will make me feel rlly good and another time make me feel like shit.

and no, im alright. it was only 2 cuts on my hand that are fairly minor. and i think the reason i was good for a while is cuz on tuesday i got a really high promotion in karate and that kept me at a mental high for a bit. and i was at karate like every day last week and being there makes me happy.

Hey there,

Yeah, it definitely makes sense that you feel better at karate with being out, and I think that at this point, it's about finding where you feel you can be more authentic and coming up with other ways to do that as well. Also, I get what you're saying about the clothing; it sounds like you have to be quite flexible and just go with the flow in order to see what helps you to feel better in the moment. I'm wondering, are there any small steps you could take to maybe feel less dysphoric? 

Also, I'm glad you're safe after the SH. I'm wondering, when you did it, how did it make you feel afterwards?

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2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, it definitely makes sense that you feel better at karate with being out, and I think that at this point, it's about finding where you feel you can be more authentic and coming up with other ways to do that as well. Also, I get what you're saying about the clothing; it sounds like you have to be quite flexible and just go with the flow in order to see what helps you to feel better in the moment. I'm wondering, are there any small steps you could take to maybe feel less dysphoric? 

Also, I'm glad you're safe after the SH. I'm wondering, when you did it, how did it make you feel afterwards?

layers but they only help a little. because while they make my chest flatter they make my overall appearance bigger which makes me dysphoric and hate myself in other ways. there really isn't much right now. i used to wear like 3 undershirts plus at least 2 regular shirts on a daily basis but i cant do that anymore.

uhm i think at like 4-6pm ish? i dont remember. and at first it made me feel more relaxed but then panic hit in like "my moms gonna see this"

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7 hours ago, RYD1NG H4WKS said:

layers but they only help a little. because while they make my chest flatter they make my overall appearance bigger which makes me dysphoric and hate myself in other ways. there really isn't much right now. i used to wear like 3 undershirts plus at least 2 regular shirts on a daily basis but i cant do that anymore.

uhm i think at like 4-6pm ish? i dont remember. and at first it made me feel more relaxed but then panic hit in like "my moms gonna see this"

Hey,

That totally makes sense about how the layers help because they make your chest flatter. Im wondering, how come you can't have the layers anymore?

Also, that's interesting that you felt relaxed but then panic. I'm wondering, more generally, what helps you to feel relaxed?

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3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

That totally makes sense about how the layers help because they make your chest flatter. Im wondering, how come you can't have the layers anymore?

Also, that's interesting that you felt relaxed but then panic. I'm wondering, more generally, what helps you to feel relaxed?

i either sweat to much or like i said, they make my overall appearance bigger which makes me hate my body in other ways

yeah, i was having an anxiety attack i think so it kinda helped to calm me down for a minute, since the feeling of doing it felt good, but my mom flips out when she finds new cuts so thats why i started to panic again. 
creative writing and reading, and karate, but i barely have time to do anything i want to these days. school and karate take over a lot of my time.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Yeah, that sounds like it's pretty uncomfortable for you. I'm wondering, have you tried a super tight t-shirt instead if you can get your hands on one?

Also, it's nice to hear about the other things that help you to feel relaxed. I'm wondering, when you do have the urge to SH, have you tired out any of those other things you mentioned? If so, how did it go? 

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4 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, that sounds like it's pretty uncomfortable for you. I'm wondering, have you tried a super tight t-shirt instead if you can get your hands on one?

Also, it's nice to hear about the other things that help you to feel relaxed. I'm wondering, when you do have the urge to SH, have you tired out any of those other things you mentioned? If so, how did it go? 

yeah, whenever im home and cant bind i wear tight compression tanks and they help enough at home, but not enough to wear as an alternative to a binder when in public. on occasion if my ribs hurt too much to get myself to put a 2nd binder on ill wear a single binder w a compression tank and it hurts less but causes more dysphoria.

they dont work. im often too out of control with anxiety or in a panic that i cant focus on anything or even think straight.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Ah, that makes sense about how they help enough at home, but not when you are out in public. It sounds like you have tried many different things, some of which work better than others. I wonder, have you spoken to any other people who experience gender dysphoria to see if they have any tips?

Also, have you ever tried any safe alternatives to self-harm when you feel that urge, such as squeezing ice cubes and snapping an elastic band against your wrist? They are just a few strategies that many people with the same urges find really helpful because you still get that pain sensation but in a much safer way. What do you think? 

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1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Ah, that makes sense about how they help enough at home, but not when you are out in public. It sounds like you have tried many different things, some of which work better than others. I wonder, have you spoken to any other people who experience gender dysphoria to see if they have any tips?

Also, have you ever tried any safe alternatives to self-harm when you feel that urge, such as squeezing ice cubes and snapping an elastic band against your wrist? They are just a few strategies that many people with the same urges find really helpful because you still get that pain sensation but in a much safer way. What do you think? 

yeah i have. i have a couple of other trans masc friends, but i used to have what i thought was a support discord server, with people in my school, where i would open up about dysphoria and stuff but they eventually kicked me out saying "my problems were too much to handle". and i have a guy at my karate school, an 18 year old trans guy, who helped me a lot in the beginning but i think he also thinks im too much now because he ignores my texts when i ask for help and stuff and ignores when i ask if we can talk. i still think he's there for me though, and i have 2 transmasc nb ppl who help me out. but nothing really helps for an extended period of time.

yeah, the rubber bands one has helped a little but idk why but seeing the marks i make on my skin actually also makes me feel better? maybe cuz i hate myself and by hurting myself it makes me feel better cuz im knowing im showing myself how i feel? irdk. i hate the scars afterward but at the time seeing cuts/burns helps.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear you were kicked out of the group and that the guy from karate ignores you now. I imagine that was pretty upsetting for you, especially given that they were a source of support around your gender. I'm curious about the idea of being 'too much' - I'm wondering, do you feel like you're too much, and if so, how come?

Also, what you said about seeing the cut and feeling better for it is a really common experience for people who SH, and harming your body might feel justified because of feeling like you deserve the injury, and that can often come back down to having negative feelings towards yourself, which I know you mentioned earlier. I'm curious to know, can you tell me about a time when you felt more positive about yourself? What was that like?

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39 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear you were kicked out of the group and that the guy from karate ignores you now. I imagine that was pretty upsetting for you, especially given that they were a source of support around your gender. I'm curious about the idea of being 'too much' - I'm wondering, do you feel like you're too much, and if so, how come?

Also, what you said about seeing the cut and feeling better for it is a really common experience for people who SH, and harming your body might feel justified because of feeling like you deserve the injury, and that can often come back down to having negative feelings towards yourself, which I know you mentioned earlier. I'm curious to know, can you tell me about a time when you felt more positive about yourself? What was that like?

after i shared about considering suicide was when they told me i was too much for them to handle. and it was in the vent channel, so like no one was obliged to read it if it was too much for them to handle, but they got mad at me anyway, saying that im too messed up for them. and i was just in a rough patch at that time and have not considered suicide on nearly as high of a level as that day ever in my life, past or present. and i feel like my neurodivergency plays a part into things too, because i can obsess over things and make it hard to talk to me, and im shit at taking support when its given to me. i always try to prove why what someones saying wont help me rather than giving it a try.

karate. whenever i get promoted in karate. like last tuesday i got invited to a really high program and i was shaking with excitement and trying not to cry with joy. it left me on a mental high for days

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9 hours ago, RYD1NG H4WKS said:

after i shared about considering suicide was when they told me i was too much for them to handle. and it was in the vent channel, so like no one was obliged to read it if it was too much for them to handle, but they got mad at me anyway, saying that im too messed up for them. and i was just in a rough patch at that time and have not considered suicide on nearly as high of a level as that day ever in my life, past or present. and i feel like my neurodivergency plays a part into things too, because i can obsess over things and make it hard to talk to me, and im shit at taking support when its given to me. i always try to prove why what someones saying wont help me rather than giving it a try.

karate. whenever i get promoted in karate. like last tuesday i got invited to a really high program and i was shaking with excitement and trying not to cry with joy. it left me on a mental high for days

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear they weren't supportive of you. I can imagine that was really hurtful for you, especially after you were vulnerable with them around feeling suicidal. I saw that you mentioned how you haven't considered suicide on a level as high as that since, but I just want to ask, are you still feeling that way to an extent? It's okay to be open about it if you are; although it might be hard to share, you might find it helpful to talk about what's going on, and I really do think that a problem shared in a problem halved :)

I noticed what you said about how you always try to prove why someone's suggestions for things to help you won't work, and I'm wondering, why do you think that is? 

Also, it's lovely to hear about how karate helps you to feel good about yourself and lifts your mood. I know that things are tricky for you at the moment with your wellbeing, and you're already doing a lot of great things to help, such as being open here, and also going to therapy. When things are difficult, it's really important to find those pockets of joy in your life that help you to enjoy yourself, and karate is definitely your pocket of joy, and it might be helpful to really challenge yourself there to be even better so that you can experience more success and joy! You deserve it. 

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On 12/5/2022 at 3:23 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear they weren't supportive of you. I can imagine that was really hurtful for you, especially after you were vulnerable with them around feeling suicidal. I saw that you mentioned how you haven't considered suicide on a level as high as that since, but I just want to ask, are you still feeling that way to an extent? It's okay to be open about it if you are; although it might be hard to share, you might find it helpful to talk about what's going on, and I really do think that a problem shared in a problem halved :)

I noticed what you said about how you always try to prove why someone's suggestions for things to help you won't work, and I'm wondering, why do you think that is? 

Also, it's lovely to hear about how karate helps you to feel good about yourself and lifts your mood. I know that things are tricky for you at the moment with your wellbeing, and you're already doing a lot of great things to help, such as being open here, and also going to therapy. When things are difficult, it's really important to find those pockets of joy in your life that help you to enjoy yourself, and karate is definitely your pocket of joy, and it might be helpful to really challenge yourself there to be even better so that you can experience more success and joy! You deserve it. 

the tricky thing with karate being my happiest space, its also what made me feel the most suicidal i ever had. and i there have been other, smaller, occurrences where karate makes me feel really down. so my parents aren't sure if i should keep doing it though i know for sure i'd be beyond depressed and not have anything i want to live for anymore.
And yeah, its often that i have smaller suicidal urges or thoughts, nearly every other day, sometimes more. im not in a good place atm...

i dont know. ive always had trust issues and been hessitant to believe people actually know how to help me, but i dont know why i push them away and try and prove them wrong really. i try not to but always end up getting defensive and doing so.

also i started feeling this way like yesterday or earlier today or something-

i’m genuinely debating these days whether i should just pretend i’m a girl. im so hated for who i am by everyone that life is so depressing i don’t know if it’s worth it. rather be loved but hate my entire existence than be hated and still hate my existence, even if it’s a bit less than it would be if i pretended to be a girl. i’ve never felt this way before and it’s weird bc im so confident in my identity these days to want to change that just bc of what ppl think of me. but it’s fucking hard when your parents hate you for who you are, your peers hate you for who you are. i’ve been bullied my entire life for being a “girl who acts like a boy” and now im even weirder to those bullied prolly cuz now im the “girl who says shes a boy”. they don’t treat me like a typical guy even when they say they’re chill w my name and pronouns.

 

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  • Digital Mentor
19 minutes ago, RYD1NG H4WKS said:

the tricky thing with karate being my happiest space, its also what made me feel the most suicidal i ever had. and i there have been other, smaller, occurrences where karate makes me feel really down. so my parents aren't sure if i should keep doing it though i know for sure i'd be beyond depressed and not have anything i want to live for anymore.
And yeah, its often that i have smaller suicidal urges or thoughts, nearly every other day, sometimes more. im not in a good place atm...

i dont know. ive always had trust issues and been hessitant to believe people actually know how to help me, but i dont know why i push them away and try and prove them wrong really. i try not to but always end up getting defensive and doing so.

also i started feeling this way like yesterday or earlier today or something-

i’m genuinely debating these days whether i should just pretend i’m a girl. im so hated for who i am by everyone that life is so depressing i don’t know if it’s worth it. rather be loved but hate my entire existence than be hated and still hate my existence, even if it’s a bit less than it would be if i pretended to be a girl. i’ve never felt this way before and it’s weird bc im so confident in my identity these days to want to change that just bc of what ppl think of me. but it’s fucking hard when your parents hate you for who you are, your peers hate you for who you are. i’ve been bullied my entire life for being a “girl who acts like a boy” and now im even weirder to those bullied prolly cuz now im the “girl who says shes a boy”. they don’t treat me like a typical guy even when they say they’re chill w my name and pronouns.

 

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear you aren't in a good place at the moment. I'm wondering, are you safe, or are you planning to take your own life? It's okay to share if you are, and the more we know, the more we can help you. I know it might not seem like it now, but there is light at the end of every tunnel, and you can move forward - we believe in you :)

I can see that you've also talked about a couple of other things as well which we can definitely go through together, but first, I just want to make sure you are safe first. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis. The first two are phone lines you can call to talk to someone, and the third has other lines all over the world: 

  • - UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
  • - USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
  • A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
  • https://kidshelpphone.ca/urgent-help - You can text, message them online, or call them on the number listed on this page (they are available 24/7)
  • An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful. 
  • If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7

 

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26 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear you aren't in a good place at the moment. I'm wondering, are you safe, or are you planning to take your own life? It's okay to share if you are, and the more we know, the more we can help you. I know it might not seem like it now, but there is light at the end of every tunnel, and you can move forward - we believe in you :)

I can see that you've also talked about a couple of other things as well which we can definitely go through together, but first, I just want to make sure you are safe first. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis. The first two are phone lines you can call to talk to someone, and the third has other lines all over the world: 

  • - UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
  • - USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
  • A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
  • https://kidshelpphone.ca/urgent-help - You can text, message them online, or call them on the number listed on this page (they are available 24/7)
  • An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful. 
  • If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7

 

oh no i didnt mean literally rn. rn im a lot better than usual actually, i just meant these past few months have been really rough.

Edited by RYD1NG H4WKS
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