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Marv last won the day on March 17 2020

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    I'm currently studying Geography at university, love art, music, films and TV, and learning about disability and neurodiversity. I'm a disabled students office at my university too! I identify as Queer and, currently, Genderfluid, but I may be trans... it's complicated :P
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  1. Hi, It went good? but also I haven't got what I wanted out of it. Either he isn't willing to chat about things, or sees no problem at all. We had just a general conversation which helped relieve some of the anxieties but, yeah, I didn't get what I wanted out of it. I dunno, just feels a bit crap really. I mean, the big part of it is him respecting my probable trans-ness. Like I sad way back at the beginning, the last time I chat to him he didn't use ANY pronouns for me at all... like I'd much rather he used she/her instead of nothing, but he didn't. So, I almost wanna maybe join in for games and see what he does. If he keeps doing that, then I'll be firm with him and tell him what's wrong????
  2. Hey, So I didn't message him but i'm literally doing it this very minute whilst writing this. I told my dad about the troubles and he said since it's bothering me so much I should message him. I'm going for something basic, 'hey, so um it's been a while... not sure what to say but hope things are okay?' so I'll update you on how it goes
  3. Hi Monsoon! Yes, it took me good minute to accept that I could be in for a bumpy ride with it over the next three months, but since I wrote that message, I think my acceptance has gone up. I've been very very happy this past week which is mainly down to the fact that I haven't bled for around five days or so now I think. I'm fully aware that it could come back at anytime between now and Christmas (which is the three month mark) but I'm using the time that I'm not bleeding as best as I can; I've been very productive with work, I've started work on my dissertation again and made a lot of progres lately; I've been spending a lot of time with friends and keeping busy socially which has been really nice, I went to my friend's birthday outing last night which was fun and a geography social the other day too, and I did both worry free!! I also took the change, considering I haven't been bleeding, to have a relaxing bath with a bathbomb which was super nice. Having baths, actually, is helping me work out gender stuff because obviously lying down in the bath and relaxing you can... see everything, compared to in the shower where you're kinda not? and I'm realising how uncomfortable I am having boobs. But yeah, I'm really trying to take advantage of the good mental health and no bleeding and do as much as I can. The boxers - my friend told me about them, he has a pair. He's transmasc so he's had to deal with periods and wanting to wear boxers and he found that Spectrum Outfitters, the company we get our binders from, do them. Also, with these boxers, there's a little pouch so that, if you want to, you can try packing. On Friday, I went to my friend's pre birthday celebration and I actually tried packing.... and it made me feel really good - which I was scared to admit. It's weird, I'm really repulsed by penis's but the packing felt really cool and I felt euphoric. But my friend did say that just because I liked packing doesn't mean I have to get a penis which is a good point! I can't do it much because I only have one pair of the boxers, but I'd like to buy more in the future. Also (wow so much has changed since I made this post at the start) I've been thinking about getting a trans flag. I mean, I'm still not 100% sure on things, but I'm much less scared of the term and the flag now than I was when I made this post. I am getting a little scared and doubtful though because I saw a tiktok the other day and the person was explaining how they thought they were trans and went through with name and pronoun changes, nothing medical, and found, in the end, that they were wrong about themselves, so now I'm like 'aahh what if I'm just over thinking stuff and I'm actually wrong about all this', but I shouldn't let a tiktok get to me.
  4. Hi Monsoon, Hmm.. Well, I guess I want to find out his thoughts. Usually, when I've been a bit off or if he thinks he's done something to upset me, he always messages to ask what's wrong, but he didn't, so I think he knows that he did something to upset me, and that's what I want to find out. I understand that I could have messaged him at any time, but also he could have to, so I guess I'd like to know why? i'm not 100% sure really, but I have a few friends that are going to help me when I do chat to him so hopefully it goes well. I'm going to talk to him this Saturday because he isn't at work then. I'll let you know how it goes!
  5. Hey Monsoon, So, I finally got in contact with the doctors and I had some bad news. I was told when I was put on the pill that the irregular bleeding would probably be during the first 3/4 weeks of being on the pill, I'm not sure if I was told that or if I heard them wrong but, apparently it can take up to three months for this pill to start doing its thing... which I really didn't want to hear. But, I guess on an up side, it's good to know. I've had a couple of days with no period again so that's helped my mood massively. I also think I'm sort of getting used to it? I can't feel the pad anymore I'm guessing because it's been three weeks now haha... but I think I'm sort of getting the hang of it. It isn't nice of course. Oh! also! I ordered some special boxers from Spectrum Outfitters that have an extra pair of pants(?) inside them so you can put a pad in but still have boxers on!! I'm so happy, I can't wait to get them in the post. That'll make me feel much better. I also got a fresh new binder the other day, a black one which goes better with all my clothes I also bit the bullet and got in contact with the student support team at my uni about how I've been struggling and they're going to help out. As for your question, I think what I mean is it feels like it's going to go on forever and that it's never going to stop, I feel stuck, trapped, so like I'm not going to be able to move on and become my true self? I think that's it.
  6. The meeting - it was so good, it really helped me feel valid and make me stop doubting myself. We discussed eye contact, grounding techniques, sensory overloads, and what to do if people don't believe me - because I'm currently self diagnosed but apparently the autism society, i'm not sure what it's called, is cool with self diagnosis so that made me feel a lot better! It was really good though and they were super friendly. I did go to the party! I'm so glad I didn't just stay at home and close myself off. I guess I worry that it'll just never stop and that I'll have to deal with it by myself forever - which is pretty inaccurate but the mind is a powerful drama queen. I also worry about getting SH urges and having meltdowns over it. I guess mostly that it'll never stop, that I'll never be able to wear my comfy boxers, I won't be able to move on, which like I said is all quite inaccurate. I've called the doctors again today, currently waiting for them to call back because it's really taking its toll on my mental health now.
  7. It's been good and bad. Like I've said, I feel like coming away from him for a while has helped me realise how much he was making me doubt myself and how much stress being on call with him and his cousin was at times, so that's been good. But also, I have been counting the days and I keep checking my Snapchat story to see if he's seen it. I don't know why... I think, yeah, closure, just talking it out would be really good. I currently have a friend staying over so I'll wait til maybe this week end and message him - it'll be three weeks then... I shouldn't be counting how long it's been ugh. I definitely just need to message him otherwise I'm going to keep thinking about it and counting.
  8. I just want to update this because it's somewhere I can just vent and it's okay. The bleeding has randomly started again. I had a couple of days with no bleeding and it was bliss. I wore my comfy boxers and had a shower without worry, I slept without worry, I went out and did things without worry, i went shopping without worry. And now it's back. Again. I've stained a pair of my comfy boxers now too. I've written all my thoughts down in my journal to try and relieve the stress. It's totally ruined my mood, my day, I'm supposed to be going to a party tonight but now i dont want to. I will go though because i know i do actually want to go. Ive told my mom too and I've decided to call the GP on Monday about it because i've been on the medication for three weeks now and it just isnt going away. Maybe im just being impatient and it'll stop soon but i need to gone. Im so sick of moaning about it to people, but I'm just so so so incredibly jealous, deeply envious, of people who don't have periods. It hurts so bad (not physically, mentally).
  9. Hiya, I'm actually doing pretty good I think. The bleeding stopped the other day so I'm absolutely over the moon about that!! I can finally wear my favourite boxers again! My student loan has come through too, so I can buy a black binder; I've been pushing myself socially a bit and going to a lot of the Freshers events at uni which is so fun!! I didn't do any in first year because I was too anxious, and the uni couldn't run the Freshers events in second year because of covid, so I figured since this is my last year I'd go for it! I've been very very tired, and I've caught a cold, but I'm having a lot of fun. Oh! I also had a support appointment with the Welsh autism people (I don't know what they're called haha) which made me feel a whole lot better too. So, all in all, it's been pretty good lately. My dissertation project has been neglected though... it's been really hard to try and get started and keep the ball rolling Lectures start on Monday which is a little daunting but it'll be good. I don't want to blame ADHD and stuff for neglecting my dissertation, but that is partly the issue... it makes starting stuff and focussing and procrastinating a big problem... but we'll get there.
  10. Hiya, It's nearly been two weeks now I think since I last spoke to him... I probably shouldn't be counting I've spoke to a bunch of friends about him and my thoughts and feelings which has helped. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd say to him... probably something simple like 'Hi, it's been a while...' and go from there. My plan is to have a couple of friends in the room with me to help me with replies and stuff. Although I think I've missed him, sort of, it's been a nice break away from him - and his cousin especially. I've felt more relaxed, I haven't had the stress and anxiety of calling him and playing Fortnite, I've been able to just be me and process some feelings. For example, he made me doubt myself a lot in regards to autism, which really isn't good, but in the last couple of weeks I've been able to recognise that, if that makes sense. I guess, in other words, he was holding me back quite a bit in some ways? But yeah, as much as part of me wants to just not message him, I still want to know what's up with im and why he blanked me, so at some point soon I'm just gonna bite the bullet.
  11. Hiya Monsoon, I think it helped me realise that maybe top surgery would indeed be a good thing for me. I imagined myself in his position and it felt and looked good. I don't know, I saw their scars and he told us about it all and I felt kinda... free? I don't know, but I was jealous I think so. It just looks so freeing. I've been messaging him a bit and we're going to meet up again soon and I might chat to him more about it.
  12. Hi, I think I'm going to message him soon. I had a bit of a cry yesterday, I missed him a bit, and I found a song that explained how I felt about it all - hence the crying. But yeah, I'm going to message him soon maybe and see what happens. In a way, I'd like to move on? but that's really tough so, yeah I don't know, I guess we see how the conversation goes.
  13. Hey @Monsoon I agree. We've discussed together before how opinions shouldn't be a barrier to friendship, but I guess like you said, it's gotten to a point where his opinions (which I think a lot of them are quite ignorant and damaging) have impacted me negatively. I've tolerated it all for so long and masked for so long I just can't do it anymore. It's been a week since that night, and we haven't sent any messages to each other. We usually message every day and it's been 7 days... we've never been quiet for this long. It feels really weird; on the one hand i'm feeling much better, but I feel like I miss him too and I'm sad about it. He's made me doubt myself a lot and I feel like h e's stopped me from growing in certain ways, so on that note I feel like just during this past week I've felt better with my identity, I feel less trapped, I feel more free. But I do miss him. I want to confront him at some point soon. The thing is, this has happened before, and he usually goes silent because he knows he's done something to upset me. So I think he knows, I don't think he'll message though, I'll probably have to message him. My friends have said they'll help me with messaging him and things which is good. But yeah, it's all so complex, there's so many pros and cons to our friendship.
  14. Hi Monsoon, It's been a busy few days. I'm proud of myself for getting through it and chatting to my friend about it openly, it was scary though. He also told me that he's had urges to SH before too so he told me about that which really helped, it was a very open and honest conversation. He's my best friend so he gets it all. I have had a look at the article, yes, and I really like the suggestions. I'm going to write them all down for future reference. I have indeed spoken to the GP and he was very helpful, he's referred me to a gender clinic which is cool, I've no idea how long it'll take to have someone talk to me about things but yeah, that's a step. Also, I was at the pub last night with friends, and someone from the Pride society at my university passed me in the pub and recognised me so we chat for a while. 4 months ago he had top surgery and I realised in that moment that I was actually quite jealous... so maybe that's something. Also, my period is still going. Tomorrow it'll be a whole week. I know I was told that I might get irregular bleeding during the first couple of weeks taking the medication but if it keeps going for another few days I'm going to go to the doctors because I don't know how much longer I can take it, not only is it a mental struggle, but it's really impacting my sensory issues.
  15. Hey, I had a bit of a wobbe yesterday and had another meltdown over the spotting. I did have the urge to scratch my arm again but I didn't, and I got my best friend to come in and help calm me down. After about an hour I felt better. Yeah, so it's a contraception medication so it thickens the mucus or/and the lining I think, or something like that and an egg isn't released to stop you getting pregnant, which I'm obviously not using it for, so it then stops periods from happening. The spotting is just irregular bleeding that happens in the first couple of weeks while the meds start working. I think it's also getting rid of what's already there so the meds can do the build up or something. It feels good admitting it to myself, bit scary though. It's still scary and I don't think I could use it for myself for a while yet, but it helped me make a step forward in the right direction I think! I'm ringing the GP tomorrow morning to get an appointment to talk about gender stuff, so yay! Thank you for the article, I'll give it a read
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