social failure

[blueveronica]

my social relationships are so unfulfilling and toxic that i feel like there's something terribly wrong and unfixable with me to be constantly attracting these people. my current roommate A hates me for unknown reasons. she hates me so much that she blocked me. i don't even do anything!!! we had drama involving my other roommate B (who had to move out for unrelated reasons) in which she never said what she wanted/never communicated that she had a problem with anything I was doing and then got mad and passive aggressive towards me because I didn't do what she wanted. A and i haven't talked in months. A didn't say anything when B got bit by a raccoon, she didn't say anything when she found B's stuff was suddenly gone bc she had moved out and hadn't told her. then A just moved all her stuff where B's stuff used to be. THEN i had a brief romantic affair with this guy who kept ghosting me and then started dating a girl he hung out with while we were together literally 2 days after i broke up with him. they've been together 5 months now. i have never had a relationship. pretty sure the guy just used me for attention, so i can't say any guy has ever been attracted to me either. the fact that he's able to get a girl so easily and the fact that A has so many more friends than me makes me feel like i'm just incredibly defective. like why are the toxic people in my life more loved than i am???? is there something wrong with me?????

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thanks for sharing this with us. I can really sense how unkind you're being to yourself. It's completely normal to question our worth and value after these kinds of experiences, and it's good to let them out and talk to others about how you're feeling. I'm wondering, have you always felt like a social failure and like there is something wrong, or is it after the romantic affair and what happened with your living situation?

[blueveronica]

To an extent for years now I've felt that there's something wrong with me for not having a friend group and not attracting guys. And with individual friends in the past I've felt like I wasn't a priority to any of them and that they would rather be with their other friends. I have only one friend with whom I never feel insecure about my friendship with them. I see some people with big friend groups having fun with each other and I feel like there might be something wrong with me for me to not have had that myself. I just wonder how toxic people are more liked than me and it makes me feel like I'm the toxic one because if they have so many friends, those friends must be sticking around for some reason, right?

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I think you can look at this is a few ways. 1) You can think that something is wrong with you and that's why you're experiencing these problems, or 2) It might be that you just haven't found your tribe yet, and a tribe is people you really get on with and form secure friendships with. What do you think? Also, with the one friend with whom you never felt insecure about, what do you think it was about that friendship that helped it be like that?

[blueveronica]

That one friend and I have a lot of things in common. We have some of the same hobbies and passions, and we also have similar personalities and ways of thinking. We are always supporting each other and we've built a lot of trust between us so we feel comfortable talking about our serious problems with each other. I think I also value our friendship more because we can't see each other very often and we text every day. It's the effort we both put in to maintain our bond. 

[Monsoon]

14 hours ago, blueveronica said:

That one friend and I have a lot of things in common. We have some of the same hobbies and passions, and we also have similar personalities and ways of thinking. We are always supporting each other and we've built a lot of trust between us so we feel comfortable talking about our serious problems with each other. I think I also value our friendship more because we can't see each other very often and we text every day. It's the effort we both put in to maintain our bond. 

Hey there,

Yeah, I think those similarities and common interests are really important, especially at the beginning of a friendship to get things moving in the right direction. I'm wondering then, could it be a case that you are still yet to meet other people that you have more similarities with rather than something being wrong with you? 

[blueveronica]

Yes I guess so. I am just wondering if there is anything wrong with not having a formal group of friends and instead having individual friends. It would be nice to have a little community of people but at the same time in the past I have become invisible in groups settings, though that may also be because they weren't really my people. 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

There's nothing wrong at all with having individual friends instead of a group; everyone is different, and as long as you're happy, then that's all that matters. What is it about the community of friends that you like the idea of? Also, how does that compare to individual friends?

[blueveronica]

I like the idea of a community so I can have multiple people who all know each other who will support me. It would fulfill my need to belong to a community (which I don't think I've ever really had). I think individual friends are easier to find because they don't have to all know each other, we just need to be able to hang out one-on-one. 

[Monsoon]

12 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I like the idea of a community so I can have multiple people who all know each other who will support me. It would fulfill my need to belong to a community (which I don't think I've ever really had). I think individual friends are easier to find because they don't have to all know each other, we just need to be able to hang out one-on-one. 

Hey,

I'm wondering, is it possible to bring some of your individual friends to form a group? What would that be like?

[blueveronica]

I'm not sure they would really like that. I think some of them have similar hobbies and personalities, but I think it would be awkward. I tried to get one of my friends to connect with a different friend but she didn't end up doing it because she has ADHD and is easily distracted. That isn't her fault, but I think they would rather be individually connected to me. Two of my friends do know each other from school so I wouldn't have to introduce them, it's just that we haven't hung out together before. One of them did propose bringing the other when the two of us hang out. The only problem is that we can't be a group all the time because one goes to another school and also works, so I can only see them during breaks. 

[Monsoon]

1 hour ago, blueveronica said:

I'm not sure they would really like that. I think some of them have similar hobbies and personalities, but I think it would be awkward. I tried to get one of my friends to connect with a different friend but she didn't end up doing it because she has ADHD and is easily distracted. That isn't her fault, but I think they would rather be individually connected to me. Two of my friends do know each other from school so I wouldn't have to introduce them, it's just that we haven't hung out together before. One of them did propose bringing the other when the two of us hang out. The only problem is that we can't be a group all the time because one goes to another school and also works, so I can only see them during breaks. 

Hey there,

I think that it's really common to feel like it would be awkward to bring your friends together, but when it actually happens, it can be a really good experience. I guess there's no way of knowing until you do it, but it might be worth a try and give you that group that you would like. What do you think? 

[blueveronica]

I could try doing that. 

[Monsoon]

11 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I could try doing that. 

Hey,

Yeah, I think it's worth a try. There's obviously no pressure, but I think it's good to give these things a go as a first option to see if it works. What do you think? 

[blueveronica]

I might ask two of my friends if they would like to meet for a meal sometime. 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Yeah, I think you just have to go for it and see how it goes. If you think about it, what's the worst that could happen?

[blueveronica]

The worst that could happen is that things are just awkward and I feel embarrassed but I should be able to withstand that if it happens. I'd be disappointed but sometimes you can't help that. 

[Monsoon]

6 hours ago, blueveronica said:

The worst that could happen is that things are just awkward and I feel embarrassed but I should be able to withstand that if it happens. I'd be disappointed but sometimes you can't help that. 

Hey,

Yeah, exactly, being disappointed is being disappointed, and if that does happen, it's important to let yourself experience those feelings and work through them, which we can help you with :)

Also, it's good to hear that you should be able to withstand those feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment if it does happen because this shows me how resilient you are. How are you feeling about potentially asking two of your friends to meet? 

[blueveronica]

I will try to do that by the end of this year!

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Sounds good! Would you like anymore advice with this, or are you good? 

[blueveronica]

I'm good for now!

[Monsoon]

6 hours ago, blueveronica said:

I'm good for now!

Okay :)

If you ever want more support, you know where we are.