How do I come out as pansexual to my homophobic parents?

[Solangelo]

So I'm pansexual, but my parent/family have made many homophobic remarks. I don't know how to come out!!! If any has advice for what I should do please tell me.

[Aurora]

15 hours ago, Solangelo said:

So I'm pansexual, but my parent/family have made many homophobic remarks. I don't know how to come out!!! If any has advice for what I should do please tell me.

Hi @Solangelo, welcome to the Community. It's lovely to have you here . I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. Thank you for letting us know what's going on for you. I'm glad you found us. This is a really welcoming community and there are lots of others here who understand what you are going through.

Do you mind me asking, if it would be safe for you to come out to your parents/family? What I mean by that is, do you think there is a chance your parents might throw you out or harm you in any other way? The reason why I am asking this is because your safety is the most important thing and I want to make sure you'll be safe if you decide to come out to your parents/family. 

[Solangelo]

Hello Aurora, I I'm not sure if they would hurt me physically. But they have made some transphobic and homophobic, comments that make me uncomfortable to come out , they also have a habit of talking about people behind their back.

[illumi]

something every lgbtq folk with a bigoted family should know that they dont have to come out if they dont feel comfortable. its not mandatory. if being in the closet causes you mental distress then talk to your friends irl that are not bigoted. outing yourself to someone whom you know will be supportive always helps in relieving this frustration; since if you out yourself to the wrong people youll only draw a bigger target on your back and cause you even more harm

Edited November 30, 2022 by sevan

[Solangelo]

30 minutes ago, sevan said:

something every lgbtq folk with a bigoted family should know that they dont have to come out if they dont feel comfortable. its not mandatory. if being in the closet causes you mental distress then talk to your friends irl that are not bigoted. outing yourself to someone whom you know will be supportive always helps in relieving this frustration; since if you out yourself to the wrong people youll only draw a bigger target on your back and cause you even more harm

Okay that makes sense, thank you so much!!

[Aurora]

22 hours ago, Solangelo said:

Hello Aurora, I I'm not sure if they would hurt me physically. But they have made some transphobic and homophobic, comments that make me uncomfortable to come out , they also have a habit of talking about people behind their back.

Hi there, thank you so much for clarifying. I can see that @sevan has already given you some great advice. You mentioned that you would feel uncomfortable to come out to your parents and you're not sure if they would hurt you physically. It sounds to me like it might not be safe to come out to your parents and  I'm wondering whether you might not be ready yet, either. What do you think? Please know that this is your journey and it is completely up to you to decide who you want to come out to and when. There is not pressure at all to come out if you don't feel ready or if you don't feel you will be safe. Can I ask how you would describe your relationship with your parents? And do you mind me asking if you have come out to anyone else yet and if so, how did it go? 

[Solangelo]

29 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, thank you so much for clarifying. I can see that @sevan has already given you some great advice. You mentioned that you would feel uncomfortable to come out to your parents and you're not sure if they would hurt you physically. It sounds to me like it might not be safe to come out to your parents and  I'm wondering whether you might not be ready yet, either. What do you think? Please know that this is your journey and it is completely up to you to decide who you want to come out to and when. There is not pressure at all to come out if you don't feel ready or if you don't feel you will be safe. Can I ask how you would describe your relationship with your parents? And do you mind me asking if you have come out to anyone else yet and if so, how did it go? 

My relationship with my parent is not the best we argue a lot sometimes they get a little violent (pulling hair, slapping me little stuff like that) when we argue. I have come out to my brother (he is a trans man) and some school friends and that went well.

[Aurora]

On 11/30/2022 at 2:15 PM, Solangelo said:

My relationship with my parent is not the best we argue a lot sometimes they get a little violent (pulling hair, slapping me little stuff like that) when we argue. I have come out to my brother (he is a trans man) and some school friends and that went well.

I'm glad to hear that it went well when you came out to your brother and your school friends. Do you mind me asking, if you're brother has come out to your parents and if so, how did that go?

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with your parents. I have sent you a confidential support request in case you want to talk about this some more confidentially. I hope you got it. If you prefer to talk about it here, that's absolutely fine, too. Just let me know

[Solangelo]

On 12/2/2022 at 9:22 AM, Aurora said:

I'm glad to hear that it went well when you came out to your brother and your school friends. Do you mind me asking, if you're brother has come out to your parents and if so, how did that go?

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with your parents. I have sent you a confidential support request in case you want to talk about this some more confidentially. I hope you got it. If you prefer to talk about it here, that's absolutely fine, too. Just let me know

My brother has not come out yet. I can talk wherever, what do you want to know?

[Aurora]

On 12/4/2022 at 11:54 AM, Solangelo said:

My brother has not come out yet. I can talk wherever, what do you want to know?

 

Hi @Solangelo

great if you're happy to talk about it here. I was just wondering, if you wanted to tell me bit more about what's going on at home so I know how I can best support you? Maybe you could tell me, what you and your parents argue about, if you feel comfortable to? Also, you mentioned that they get a little violent sometimes. How is that for you and how does that make you feel? And do you mind me asking, if you feel safe at home? 

I'm wondering, do you have anyone you can talk to about what's going on at home? I would imagine you could probably do with some support around you. What do you think? Please know that we are here for you and you can open up to us about anything you like. We're here to listen. 

 

 

 

[Solangelo]

17 minutes ago, Aurora said:

 

Hi @Solangelo

great if you're happy to talk about it here. I was just wondering, if you wanted to tell me bit more about what's going on at home so I know how I can best support you? Maybe you could tell me, what you and your parents argue about, if you feel comfortable to? Also, you mentioned that they get a little violent sometimes. How is that for you and how does that make you feel? And do you mind me asking, if you feel safe at home? 

I'm wondering, do you have anyone you can talk to about what's going on at home? I would imagine you could probably do with some support around you. What do you think? Please know that we are here for you and you can open up to us about anything you like. We're here to listen. 

 

 

 

Hello Aurora I will try to explain the best I can. Me and my parents usually argue about cleaning, school, and stuff like that (they don't clean and make my brother, my sister, and me clean).  I get kinda uncomfortable when they get violent, but I feel a kinda safe because I have my older sister, and younger sister and brother. I don't have anyone to talk to about what's going on at home, but I could probably do with someone to talk to. Thank you for being here for me! <3 

[Aurora]

14 minutes ago, Solangelo said:

Hello Aurora I will try to explain the best I can. Me and my parents usually argue about cleaning, school, and stuff like that (they don't clean and make my brother, my sister, and me clean).  I get kinda uncomfortable when they get violent, but I feel a kinda safe because I have my older sister, and younger sister and brother. I don't have anyone to talk to about what's going on at home, but I could probably do with someone to talk to. Thank you for being here for me! <3 

Of course :). We're always here. 

It's good to hear you're not alone and that you have your siblings living with, you, too. Do you mind me asking, how you get on and how do they get on with your parents?

I'm wondering, have you thought about what to do if you ever don't feel safe at home? Do you think it might be a good idea to speak to someone about what's going on, so they can support you if you ever do need help? Is there maybe someone in your school, who you trust, who you could talk to? 

[Solangelo]

3 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Of course :). We're always here. 

It's good to hear you're not alone and that you have your siblings living with, you, too. Do you mind me asking, how you get on and how do they get on with your parents?

I'm wondering, have you thought about what to do if you ever don't feel safe at home? Do you think it might be a good idea to speak to someone about what's going on, so they can support you if you ever do need help? Is there maybe someone in your school, who you trust, who you could talk to? 

My siblings also fight with my parents often. When I don't feel safe around my parents I back away from them or try to go to my room. I don't really like talking to people I know about my problems but if I need help I have a friend I can stay with. I can't really talk to anyone because I'm on online school.

[Aurora]

On 12/5/2022 at 1:46 PM, Solangelo said:

My siblings also fight with my parents often. When I don't feel safe around my parents I back away from them or try to go to my room. I don't really like talking to people I know about my problems but if I need help I have a friend I can stay with. I can't really talk to anyone because I'm on online school.

Thank you for explaining your situation a bit more. I see why it's difficult for you to get support if you need it. I'm glad to hear you have a friend that you can stay with though if you need to. Do you have any other friends? I can imagine it might be difficult to meet others if you're on online school. Is that right? 

[Solangelo]

19 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Thank you for explaining your situation a bit more. I see why it's difficult for you to get support if you need it. I'm glad to hear you have a friend that you can stay with though if you need to. Do you have any other friends? I can imagine it might be difficult to meet others if you're on online school. Is that right? 

 Yeah Aurora it is pretty hard to meet people, it's even harder because I prefer to be at home reading, listening to music or drawing.

[Aurora]

21 hours ago, Solangelo said:

 Yeah Aurora it is pretty hard to meet people, it's even harder because I prefer to be at home reading, listening to music or drawing.

It's interesting to hear that you prefer to be at home. Can I ask, when you think of home what words come to your mind to describe what it's like for you? And how often to you see people outside your home would you say? 

[Solangelo]

23 hours ago, Aurora said:

It's interesting to hear that you prefer to be at home. Can I ask, when you think of home what words come to your mind to describe what it's like for you? And how often to you see people outside your home would you say? 

Not many words come to mind probably tiring, hectect. Sometimes on monday, tuesday, thursday, and friday. (The reasons I enjoy being at home is because my family isn't at home all the time so it's peaceful when they aren't here)

[Aurora]

On 12/8/2022 at 12:35 PM, Solangelo said:

Not many words come to mind probably tiring, hectect. Sometimes on monday, tuesday, thursday, and friday. (The reasons I enjoy being at home is because my family isn't at home all the time so it's peaceful when they aren't here)

Hi @Solangelo, I'm sorry I'm only replying now. I wasn't online for a few days. It sounds like you enjoy being at home most, when you're on your own. Is that right? Do you mind me asking, how long have you been doing online school and have you always preferred being on your own? 

[Solangelo]

Just now, Aurora said:

Hi @Solangelo, I'm sorry I'm only replying now. I wasn't online for a few days. It sounds like you enjoy being at home most, when you're on your own. Is that right? Do you mind me asking, how long have you been doing online school and have you always preferred being on your own? 

That's fine. Yes you are correct. I have been online for about a year, most of my life I have preferred to be alone

[Aurora]

2 minutes ago, Solangelo said:

That's fine. Yes you are correct. I have been online for about a year, most of my life I have preferred to be alone

That's good to know. It's really nice that you enjoy your own company . The only thing that worries me is that your home life sounds really stressful and it doesn't sound like you have much support if you need it. What do you think? Also, do you mind me asking, will you going back to school soon or will it continue to be online for you? 

[Solangelo]

1 minute ago, Aurora said:

That's good to know. It's really nice that you enjoy your own company . The only thing that worries me is that your home life sounds really stressful and it doesn't sound like you have much support if you need it. What do you think? Also, do you mind me asking, will you going back to school soon or will it continue to be online for you? 

Yeah it gets really stressful. I will be going to high school in person so I just have to finish up 7th and get through 8th.

[Aurora]

On 12/13/2022 at 1:04 PM, Solangelo said:

Yeah it gets really stressful. I will be going to high school in person so I just have to finish up 7th and get through 8th.

Can I ask, how you feel about going to high school? I know it's still a while away but I was just wondering if you've thought about going there yet. And what kind of support do you think would be most helpful to you rn? 

[Solangelo]

On 12/14/2022 at 9:51 AM, Aurora said:

Can I ask, how you feel about going to high school? I know it's still a while away but I was just wondering if you've thought about going there yet. And what kind of support do you think would be most helpful to you rn? 

Hello Aurora sorry I haven't replied in a while I've been busy with testing and this weekend has been hectic! I feel pretty nervous because my older sister had pretty bad experiences in high school. I feel like someone I can trust to talk about how feel and tell what's wrong, would be the best support!

[-Leila-]

12 hours ago, Solangelo said:

Hello Aurora sorry I haven't replied in a while I've been busy with testing and this weekend has been hectic! I feel pretty nervous because my older sister had pretty bad experiences in high school. I feel like someone I can trust to talk about how feel and tell what's wrong, would be the best support!

Hi there,

do you have any outside support? A way to get started would be by going to you GP and explaining you would like support. They will hopefully then refer you to support. How does that sound?

hugs

im sorry your sister has had bad experiences at school, does that worry you about high school? Because your sister has had bad experiences? 
 

Leila

[Aurora]

14 hours ago, Solangelo said:

Hello Aurora sorry I haven't replied in a while I've been busy with testing and this weekend has been hectic! I feel pretty nervous because my older sister had pretty bad experiences in high school. I feel like someone I can trust to talk about how feel and tell what's wrong, would be the best support!

Hi @Solangelo, no need to apologise. Don't feel you have to reply straight away. It's totally up to you, whenever is good for you 

What do you think of @Leila- advice to see your doctor and see if they can refer you for support?

I'm sorry to hear your sister had bad experiences in high school. I hope she is OK now. What do you think would help for you to feel less nervous about going? Also, I'm wondering, do you know anyone else who will be going?