I am sooo confused about my sexuality. Am I pan, lesbian, bi? my thoughts keep changing. plz send some help

[StrawberryBanana]

Hi :) I have been super confused about my sexuality. I've never dated anyone in my life or done more than holding hands/hugs. I love hugs regardless of gender but I am so confused because I thought I had just given up on trusting people and love because of the abuse I went through when I was younger. That made me think I was pansexual because after I started healing and understanding that abuse and anything can come from both genders, I had basically had this thought of "I'm not going to find love anyways, but if I do, I will fall in love not because of gender but because of personality and connection that I feel towards another person." However, everyone thinks I'm straight because anything otherwise isn't "normal" or allowed in Asian society even if I'm in the U.S. I don't have anyone as an example to look up to who is like me. When I was young, I had crushes and they would always be boys. However, now whenever I dream about love its always with a woman. And the thought of making love with a man makes me feel like they are going to take advantage of me in a bad way. Even if I respect them. I feel much more comfortable thinking about being with a woman. And the idea gives me butterflies when thinking of most men don't. Is there a difference between finding a man attractive and finding them attractive up till a point where you would be okay with making love sexually with them? because if that determines sexuality, than I am probably lesbian, or maybe I'm not idkkk. These thoughts always bring me to a half-solution/conclusion but then I get confused because I haven't actually experienced any of this in real life. And I want to, but I can't find anyone and at the same time I don't feel ready for people to know about my sexuality yet because I don't feel valid and people who are close to me will see me very differently in a terrible way, unfortunately, which can change my life. I don't know what I should do and I thought I should just stop thinking about labels but I can't get this out of my head. Any advice or opinion would be greatly appreciated! 

[Blondie]

19 hours ago, StrawberryBanana said:

Hi :) I have been super confused about my sexuality. I've never dated anyone in my life or done more than holding hands/hugs. I love hugs regardless of gender but I am so confused because I thought I had just given up on trusting people and love because of the abuse I went through when I was younger. That made me think I was pansexual because after I started healing and understanding that abuse and anything can come from both genders, I had basically had this thought of "I'm not going to find love anyways, but if I do, I will fall in love not because of gender but because of personality and connection that I feel towards another person." However, everyone thinks I'm straight because anything otherwise isn't "normal" or allowed in Asian society even if I'm in the U.S. I don't have anyone as an example to look up to who is like me. When I was young, I had crushes and they would always be boys. However, now whenever I dream about love its always with a woman. And the thought of making love with a man makes me feel like they are going to take advantage of me in a bad way. Even if I respect them. I feel much more comfortable thinking about being with a woman. And the idea gives me butterflies when thinking of most men don't. Is there a difference between finding a man attractive and finding them attractive up till a point where you would be okay with making love sexually with them? because if that determines sexuality, than I am probably lesbian, or maybe I'm not idkkk. These thoughts always bring me to a half-solution/conclusion but then I get confused because I haven't actually experienced any of this in real life. And I want to, but I can't find anyone and at the same time I don't feel ready for people to know about my sexuality yet because I don't feel valid and people who are close to me will see me very differently in a terrible way, unfortunately, which can change my life. I don't know what I should do and I thought I should just stop thinking about labels but I can't get this out of my head. Any advice or opinion would be greatly appreciated! 

Hi there and I’m glad you found our community. I’m Blondie, one of the support mentors. 
Thank you for sharing and we’re here to help support you through.

Can I ask - you mentioned abuse in your past. Did you ever share this with anyone and get any support over this?

You’re completely right - abuse can be perpetrated by anyone and such a breech of trust would leave most people worried about being taken advantage of.

[StrawberryBanana]

Hi Blondie, thank you for replying. Yes, I shared it with two people. One was a really good friend and I don't regret telling her. I do feel guilty for telling the other person who was an adult. And I feel like they will use it against me sometime. However, I am still confused about my sexuality and how I should identify, even if I include or take the past away as a determining factor for sexuality. 

[Rocktober]

all i can say is go with your heart. i found my sexuality by my crush.  if you go with your heart, you can never go wrong.

[Monsoon]

On 6/29/2022 at 2:11 AM, StrawberryBanana said:

Hi Blondie, thank you for replying. Yes, I shared it with two people. One was a really good friend and I don't regret telling her. I do feel guilty for telling the other person who was an adult. And I feel like they will use it against me sometime. However, I am still confused about my sexuality and how I should identify, even if I include or take the past away as a determining factor for sexuality. 

Hey there,

I'm glad you were able to tell others about the abuse. Can I ask, why do you feel guilty for telling the adult? Also, do you know what the adult did with the information? 

[Equivalent Ways]

Trauma can definitely affect how we move forward, the past can be the present sometimes..

My profile picture is holding aro/ace icecreams, and I think I am that, but I still don't really know. How can I be sure? Also, if it is true(which it feels like it is) is there something that is off with my DNA or smth cuz thanks to this place it is talked about but otherwise it is not, like I am some abnormal human..