Jump to content

How can I be comfortable in my sexuality?


Yurihead    

Recommended Posts

TW: Slight internalised homophobia
 

 

 

 

 

So, I’ve never been comfortable in my sexuality. I know I’m a lesbian, I know there isn’t anything I can do about it but it doesn’t stop me from hating it. I wouldn’t say I envy cis-het people and I would NEVER wish I was born straight because the idea that there’s a version of me that likes men is disgusting to me. Sometimes I wish I was born male (not in a trans way just general jealousy) but other than that I feel nothing close to envy toward straight people. I just really dislike the fact that I’m gay and that I’m associated with the LGBTQ community. I never say ‘we’ when referring to other gay people and always use ‘them’ and I just don’t like the fact that I have to be part of a taboo community. Whether I like it or not I’m gay, but my internalised homophobia is so prominent I’d say it’s more external at this point.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Yurihead said:

TW: Slight internalised homophobia
 

So, I’ve never been comfortable in my sexuality. I know I’m a lesbian, I know there isn’t anything I can do about it but it doesn’t stop me from hating it. I wouldn’t say I envy cis-het people and I would NEVER wish I was born straight because the idea that there’s a version of me that likes men is disgusting to me. Sometimes I wish I was born male (not in a trans way just general jealousy) but other than that I feel nothing close to envy toward straight people. I just really dislike the fact that I’m gay and that I’m associated with the LGBTQ community. I never say ‘we’ when referring to other gay people and always use ‘them’ and I just don’t like the fact that I have to be part of a taboo community. Whether I like it or not I’m gay, but my internalised homophobia is so prominent I’d say it’s more external at this point.  

Hey,

Thank you for asking this really important question. I don't think there is a straight answer to this, and people may have different experiences. From my own experiences of being LGBTQ+, I found it helpful to have experiences where I could be my full, authentic self. That acceptance truly comes from within and will involve you pushing your comfort zone. For example, I used to hate telling people I was gay, so I set myself a challenge to tell new people as soon as I could, and it slowly began to not bother me. Overall, being as out as you possibly can and being visible is the best way forward. It may feel uncomfortable, but find the pleasure in your identity; it will come, don't worry. What do you think?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don’t think I can be as open and transparent as an open adult homosexual seeing as I’m still in the closet for familial reasons. I don’t really ever plan on coming out to my family and coming out to anyone just seems like an anxiety attack waiting to happen. I don’t even REMEMBER how me and my friends came out to each other because of how long ago it was but reading what you said made me feel a tad better and I’ll be sure to adopt some of the traits that open and out gays have. Thanks so much :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, Yurihead said:

I don’t think I can be as open and transparent as an open adult homosexual seeing as I’m still in the closet for familial reasons. I don’t really ever plan on coming out to my family and coming out to anyone just seems like an anxiety attack waiting to happen. I don’t even REMEMBER how me and my friends came out to each other because of how long ago it was but reading what you said made me feel a tad better and I’ll be sure to adopt some of the traits that open and out gays have. Thanks so much :)

Hey,

I totally get how it may be challenging due to not being out to your family, but with your friends, just to be clear, are you out to them? If so, you have a safe space there where you can be yourself, so try to keep doing those things that your mind tells you not to do out of shame, and trust me, it will get better. What do you think?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m out to a small selection of my friends. I talk to a lot of people at school and coming out in school is basically handing your social life to a ravenous pack of wolves and letting them tear into it so I’m never going to. Most of the people that know I’m gay are also in the community and some of them may have forgotten since I myself don’t remember coming out to them but I know for certain that two of my friends are VERY aware I’m gay. One of them successfully came out to her mother and she was supportive about it! 

Edited by Yurihead
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there,

I think that for a lot of people out there, it can be quite daunting to think about telling others for a variety of reasons which are all completely understandable. If I can say one thing though, it will be to have faith in others because they may surprise you.  Times have changed a lot, and LGBTQ+ people are becoming more and more accepted in many parts of society, but that's not to take away from certain political situations happening right now, but on the whole, things are much better these days than they were before. What do you think?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Things are better, but improvement and solutions are two drastically different concepts. If I was reserved in coming out because of constantly asking myself “What if” than I would’ve gathered the courage and done it already. But it’s not a case of me asking, it’s me knowing. Knowing what happens to people who come out at a young age; what happens when it doesn’t go well and what’ll happen if come out. It’s not as if I don’t want to come out (Even though I REALLY don’t), it’s that I can’t. I can’t come out without my situation altering drastically. And I don’t want that to happen, so I won’t. Not until I’m in a situation that I’m the only person who has influence over my decisions and life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

49 minutes ago, Yurihead said:

Things are better, but improvement and solutions are two drastically different concepts. If I was reserved in coming out because of constantly asking myself “What if” than I would’ve gathered the courage and done it already. But it’s not a case of me asking, it’s me knowing. Knowing what happens to people who come out at a young age; what happens when it doesn’t go well and what’ll happen if come out. It’s not as if I don’t want to come out (Even though I REALLY don’t), it’s that I can’t. I can’t come out without my situation altering drastically. And I don’t want that to happen, so I won’t. Not until I’m in a situation that I’m the only person who has influence over my decisions and life.

Hey there,

I'm wondering, how do you think your situation my alter? What might happen?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Drastic loss of friends, harassment, rumours, being a laughing stock, malice from both parents, the usual homophobic response of “Is it because of your friends?” Or “You’re just confused”. Just a huge dent in all of my familial and school relationships excluding the TWO friends I have that I’m out to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Yurihead said:

Drastic loss of friends, harassment, rumours, being a laughing stock, malice from both parents, the usual homophobic response of “Is it because of your friends?” Or “You’re just confused”. Just a huge dent in all of my familial and school relationships excluding the TWO friends I have that I’m out to.

Hey there,

That's interesting, thank you for sharing. Just to give another perspective, I'm wondering, what makes you think that all of that will happen? I know that coming out is naturally a big change given my own experiences, but could it be that you're maybe predicting loads of negative things which might not actually happen? Doing this is completely normal and tends to be due to anxiety which is completely normal. 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know they’ll happen because I’ve seen it happen. In my school, a girl in my year came out a few years ago. She had tons of friends in her class and was just overall friendly with everyone. Then, as soon as she came out as lesbian, no one spoke to her, she’d get laughed at while walking to her lessons, all her friends ditched her and she literally only speaks to kids in younger years because nobody in our year wants to be labelled as “the gay kid”. Yeah, maybe it won’t be a drastic change, but I know people who're my friends will become uncomfortable around me, they’ll avoid me consciously or not and it’ll just be an awkward experience. Being screamed at on the internet is so so so so much more bearable than making someone genuinely uneasy. Some you care about, your friend. I never want that to happen so I’m never coming out in school.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Yurihead said:

I know they’ll happen because I’ve seen it happen. In my school, a girl in my year came out a few years ago. She had tons of friends in her class and was just overall friendly with everyone. Then, as soon as she came out as lesbian, no one spoke to her, she’d get laughed at while walking to her lessons, all her friends ditched her and she literally only speaks to kids in younger years because nobody in our year wants to be labelled as “the gay kid”. Yeah, maybe it won’t be a drastic change, but I know people who're my friends will become uncomfortable around me, they’ll avoid me consciously or not and it’ll just be an awkward experience. Being screamed at on the internet is so so so so much more bearable than making someone genuinely uneasy. Some you care about, your friend. I never want that to happen so I’m never coming out in school.

Hey there,

That's fair enough. It sounds like the girl has had a really tough time, and I hope things get better for her. Just as a point to think about, if your friends would become uncomfortable if they knew your sexuality, it might be worth being curious around how strong that friendship is if you know what I mean? If they can't accept you for who you are, and if coming out changes your friendship for the worse, I think I'm left wondering, how good a friend are they?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It’s not about them being bad friends, nor bad people, they’ve just been fed this their whole lives. In schools here (I don’t know where you’re from) but in England from Primary to Secondary school the one things you can’t be in school is: Sensitive, “Ugly”, Trans or Gay. From Year 3 (7-8 years old) all the children would bicker and call each other “stupid”, “dumb”, “ugly” and “gay”. Those were insults. Something to be made fun of for. A defect. Yeah, those may have been the words of dumb children, but if you grow up thinking and saying something it takes a hell of a lot to change your mind about it. So they don’t change their mind about it. And then they grow up, and become the same lovely people with the same not-so-lovely idea about being gay.
 

“It’s weird but if you’re gay I don’t really care”

 

Thats the ‘correct’ response. The response most people will give you if you come out irl. But after that they become conscious of it. If the word gay is said they’ll look to you, if people make mildly homophobic jokes they’ll look to you, if a male is doing something slightly effeminate or vice versa they’ll look at YOU. Because that’s what gays do. That’s what those ‘weirdos’ do. So that’s what you’re going to do too. In their mind you’ve gone from who you were to “the gay kid”. And it’s just human nature to categorise and stereotype people; it’s more complicated to try and understand others so instead we put people in small boxes depending on what we see, hear or know about someone. And when someone we already think we know inside out tells us something drastic that we never knew about them one of two things happen, you completely morph your pre-conceived view of someone, or you stick to your previous outlook on them and overlook the new information.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there,

I'm thinking, even though they have been fed those homophobic messages their whole lives, they still have the power to change the narrative and open their mind up towards being more accepting, don't they? I get that your views can be a product of your environment, but really, everyone has the ability to challenge those norms, especially when it comes to managing relationships with those they care about. 

Also, going back to your original question around being more comfortable in your sexuality, I'm wondering, would you like to talk about that more? We can give you some tips if you like. 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, Yurihead said:

I think I’d prefer to talk about ways to feel more comfortable in your sexuality if that’s alright with you.

Hey,

Sure thing. I'm wondering, what ways do you know about already which might help you to feel more comfortable? I have struggled with this before, so I can also use my own personal reflections. Take care and speak soon. 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I’m being honest I have no real way of knowing how to make myself more comfortable; I’ve never attempted to cope or comfort myself because of my sexuality and just accepted that I probably would never feel comfortable about it fully. Genuinely anything that helps you feel happy with your orientation without openly outing yourself would help me, this is the first time I’ve ever even attempted to seek advice on this topic.

Edited by Yurihead
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Yurihead said:

If I’m being honest I have no real way of knowing how to make myself more comfortable; I’ve never attempted to cope or comfort myself because of my sexuality and just accepted that I probably would never feel comfortable about it fully. Genuinely anything that helps you feel happy with your orientation without openly outing yourself would help me, this is the first time I’ve ever even attempted to seek advice on this topic.

Hey there,

That's okay, and this is something we can definitely help you with. Here are some things you might find helpful:

1) Try to push your comfort zone in terms of what makes you feel nervous around your sexuality. For example, I used to be nervous to tell people that I was gay, so I set myself a challenge to communicate it as early as possible when I met new people and that helped me to become more comfortable with talking about it. Even if it isn't telling new people, try to bring it into conversations more with people who know about your identity

2) Write down a list of all the qualities you appreciate in people who are open and proud. Try to look towards inspiring figures for this and learn about them. Then, with your list, try to identify some small steps for how you can bring about these qualities in yourself

3) Make a conscious effort to challenge negative thoughts around your identity. For the next week or so, when you have one of those negative thoughts, write it down, then come up with a positive version, and tell yourself this 5-10 times as a mantra. 

What do you think?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Unfortunately, your content contains terms that we do not allow. Please edit your content to remove the highlighted words below.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...