Confusion Over Sexuality

[Duckie]

1 hour ago, joobusmcgoober said:

I mean, I just wouldn’t know how to go about that. It would really feel like compromising my values, because I do genuinely believe that the Bible says being gay is wrong, but I just don’t know how to reconcile my feelings with what I believe. To me, Christian LGBTQ+ community is an oxymoron. I think it’d be more helpful to compartmentalize the feelings and the beliefs (like i’ve been doing for a while) and just try to find a way to ignore one when in a situation that involves the other. 

Of course, in an ideal world, I’d be fine saying it to my mom and my sister now and not be afraid of the consequences but I don’t want to make my mom worry about me, and my sister is a very strong Christian and believes the sort of stuff I put in the first paragraph, and she’s like the one person I don’t usually have to hide things from, so I don’t want to make our sibling relationship weird. 

Well, I go to a Christian school, and my friends all believe the same things that I do. I think they’d just be very uncomfortable with me if I came out, which is something I never want people to feel around me. I’m fine with keeping that from them if it means I can keep being friends with them. 

I am wondering whether it might be helpful for you to look at other ways of interpreting the six passages in the bible that do speak about homosexuality. I do not want to challenge your Christianity or your faith in any way. But it might be useful to gain insight on different ways of interpreting this. You might find these two articles interesting to look at:

https://www.hrc.org/resources/what-does-the-bible-say-about-homosexuality

https://www.mlive.com/news/kalamazoo/2015/08/the_7_bible_verses_on_homosexu.html

 

Do let me know what you think about them. 

It sounds like you might be experiencing a conflict of roles. In social psychology we talk about how we want to feel like we fit in and want to belong to groups that we feel passionate about, but that some roles you feel unable to mix. It does sound problematic to be told over and over that being LGBTQ+ is wrong in various ways, but it also sounds like something ongoing in your life since you also go to a Christian school where this view is implemented. Is the anti LGBTQ+ activiely reinforced or more something that has been mentioned? I am asking this because I want to establish the school's role in this.

[joobusmcgoober]

59 minutes ago, Duckie said:

I am wondering whether it might be helpful for you to look at other ways of interpreting the six passages in the bible that do speak about homosexuality. I do not want to challenge your Christianity or your faith in any way. But it might be useful to gain insight on different ways of interpreting this. You might find these two articles interesting to look at:

https://www.hrc.org/resources/what-does-the-bible-say-about-homosexuality

https://www.mlive.com/news/kalamazoo/2015/08/the_7_bible_verses_on_homosexu.html

Do let me know what you think about them. 

It sounds like you might be experiencing a conflict of roles. In social psychology we talk about how we want to feel like we fit in and want to belong to groups that we feel passionate about, but that some roles you feel unable to mix. It does sound problematic to be told over and over that being LGBTQ+ is wrong in various ways, but it also sounds like something ongoing in your life since you also go to a Christian school where this view is implemented. Is the anti LGBTQ+ activiely reinforced or more something that has been mentioned? I am asking this because I want to establish the school's role in this.

The articles were pretty interesting. I didn’t necessarily agree with them, but that doesn’t mean that those interpretations aren’t factoring in on my thought process.

I mean, take of it what you will, but two girls got expelled for getting caught making out in the bathroom, so that’s pretty reinforced by the rules, but it isn’t a set thing that you can’t say/do things in private that if the school gets told you’ll get in trouble. at least, it hasn’t happened yet. The school is pretty quiet when it comes to being LGBTQ+ apart from that.

 

I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s problematic. It’s just like saying that any other thing the Bible says is wrong is wrong. It’s not necessarily worse than any other thing, people just tend to make it a big issue. 

[Duckie]

5 hours ago, joobusmcgoober said:

The articles were pretty interesting. I didn’t necessarily agree with them, but that doesn’t mean that those interpretations aren’t factoring in on my thought process.

I mean, take of it what you will, but two girls got expelled for getting caught making out in the bathroom, so that’s pretty reinforced by the rules, but it isn’t a set thing that you can’t say/do things in private that if the school gets told you’ll get in trouble. at least, it hasn’t happened yet. The school is pretty quiet when it comes to being LGBTQ+ apart from that.

I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s problematic. It’s just like saying that any other thing the Bible says is wrong is wrong. It’s not necessarily worse than any other thing, people just tend to make it a big issue. 

That's very mindful of you to say. I think it is sometimes helpful to see other perspectives on the bible, as it is something we have always interpreted according to what environment we're in. And it is OK to not agree with it of course :)

Do you like the school you're at or would you consider changing schools because of this? I am not suggesting you should, but I'm interested in your thoughts about this. I hear that they have been quiet around LGBTQ+ things, but then again, expelling two students for expressing passion for one another speaks for itself. Did this happen recently?

[joobusmcgoober]

1 hour ago, Duckie said:

That's very mindful of you to say. I think it is sometimes helpful to see other perspectives on the bible, as it is something we have always interpreted according to what environment we're in. And it is OK to not agree with it of course :)

Do you like the school you're at or would you consider changing schools because of this? I am not suggesting you should, but I'm interested in your thoughts about this. I hear that they have been quiet around LGBTQ+ things, but then again, expelling two students for expressing passion for one another speaks for itself. Did this happen recently?

It was last year when those two girls got expelled. I’ve definitely considered switching schools, but I’m scared to leave my friend group. I do really care about my friends, regardless of whether or not they’d accept me. 

I’d rather be widely appealing and lie to people than be accepted how I am by only a few people.

[Duckie]

12 hours ago, joobusmcgoober said:

It was last year when those two girls got expelled. I’ve definitely considered switching schools, but I’m scared to leave my friend group. I do really care about my friends, regardless of whether or not they’d accept me. 

I’d rather be widely appealing and lie to people than be accepted how I am by only a few people.

I can tell that you care a lot about your friends and I wouldn't want you to lose them over changing schools. Do you think they would accept you being gay in time? They might be more open minded once you've all graduated from this school and are able to keep your pwn paths. What do you think?

It might be your way of compartmentalizing to be your true self online with your LGBTQ+ friends and keeping your private life a bit more seperate from that for now. It does sound like you would like to come out, but you don't want to lose friendships over it. You mentioned potentially telling your sister after you've moved out. Do you feel like this with more people?

[joobusmcgoober]

5 minutes ago, Duckie said:

I can tell that you care a lot about your friends and I wouldn't want you to lose them over changing schools. Do you think they would accept you being gay in time? They might be more open minded once you've all graduated from this school and are able to keep your pwn paths. What do you think?

It might be your way of compartmentalizing to be your true self online with your LGBTQ+ friends and keeping your private life a bit more seperate from that for now. It does sound like you would like to come out, but you don't want to lose friendships over it. You mentioned potentially telling your sister after you've moved out. Do you feel like this with more people?

They might accept it in time, I just don’t know because I’ve kind of tried my best to make sexuality a joke with them so that they don’t suspect anything, so I’m not really sure. 
 

I’m not really sure. I just don’t know if I could tell anyone, even after I move out, just because there’s always a chance that they could tell my parents and i don’t know that I’ll ever be ready to tell them. For my entire life all I’ve done is just whatever makes them happy. I can’t just throw all of that away to be some version of myself that’s happier. I would rather make them happy than myself.

[Duckie]

44 minutes ago, joobusmcgoober said:

They might accept it in time, I just don’t know because I’ve kind of tried my best to make sexuality a joke with them so that they don’t suspect anything, so I’m not really sure. 
 

I’m not really sure. I just don’t know if I could tell anyone, even after I move out, just because there’s always a chance that they could tell my parents and i don’t know that I’ll ever be ready to tell them. For my entire life all I’ve done is just whatever makes them happy. I can’t just throw all of that away to be some version of myself that’s happier. I would rather make them happy than myself.

Sometimes when people make jokes about something that could be seen as daring or offensive, a lot of people tend to just laugh along, because questioning it puts you on the spot so to speak. How do your friends react when you joke like this with them? It might not neccessarily reflect their true emotions.

Your mom did say she would like you to tell her if you ever experienced feelings like these. What do you think she meant by that? I can tell that you really care about the people in your life and that you are worried of what people will think about you and how this will affect your relationships, but I'm wondering if there is a hint of acceptance in them. What do you think?

[joobusmcgoober]

6 hours ago, Duckie said:

Sometimes when people make jokes about something that could be seen as daring or offensive, a lot of people tend to just laugh along, because questioning it puts you on the spot so to speak. How do your friends react when you joke like this with them? It might not neccessarily reflect their true emotions.

Your mom did say she would like you to tell her if you ever experienced feelings like these. What do you think she meant by that? I can tell that you really care about the people in your life and that you are worried of what people will think about you and how this will affect your relationships, but I'm wondering if there is a hint of acceptance in them. What do you think?

My friends and I make jokes about it all the time, just because I want them not to take it seriously so the idea of me being gay wouldn’t be believable to them. They always laugh, they do genuinely think it’s funny

 

I’m not sure what she meant. I mean, when it happened I wasn’t really thinking about it because I was like “wow! great advice i’ll never have to use.” I know for a fact that my dad wouldn’t be happy, though. A majority of his “talk” with me was about being LGBTQ+ and how it’s wrong rather than any of the stuff i actually needed to know. thank god for sex ed. (sorry if that’s oversharing)

 

I’m sure it’s possible that they might be accepting, but I’m not willing to take the chance.

[Duckie]

17 hours ago, joobusmcgoober said:

My friends and I make jokes about it all the time, just because I want them not to take it seriously so the idea of me being gay wouldn’t be believable to them. They always laugh, they do genuinely think it’s funny

I’m not sure what she meant. I mean, when it happened I wasn’t really thinking about it because I was like “wow! great advice i’ll never have to use.” I know for a fact that my dad wouldn’t be happy, though. A majority of his “talk” with me was about being LGBTQ+ and how it’s wrong rather than any of the stuff i actually needed to know. thank god for sex ed. (sorry if that’s oversharing)

I’m sure it’s possible that they might be accepting, but I’m not willing to take the chance.

I completely understand what you're saying. It sounds like there is a lot of risks to your various relationships being affected. But do you think they would be ruined as such?

Do you still feel the need to make those jokes? It might be time to stop, because whether your friends reciprocate them or not might say a lot about what their actual attitudes are. I also wouldn't want the jokes to harm your self-esteem. Is a part of you telling these jokes so that you won't have to hear them from someone else?

How do you look at a future where you have moved out (if this is the way you would be somewhat comfortable to start telling people) and come out to people? Do you think they would take it more lightly if you were a legal adult for example? 

[joobusmcgoober]

2 hours ago, Duckie said:

I completely understand what you're saying. It sounds like there is a lot of risks to your various relationships being affected. But do you think they would be ruined as such?

Do you still feel the need to make those jokes? It might be time to stop, because whether your friends reciprocate them or not might say a lot about what their actual attitudes are. I also wouldn't want the jokes to harm your self-esteem. Is a part of you telling these jokes so that you won't have to hear them from someone else?

How do you look at a future where you have moved out (if this is the way you would be somewhat comfortable to start telling people) and come out to people? Do you think they would take it more lightly if you were a legal adult for example? 

I don’t know. Obviously there’s gotta be at least a few people who don’t reject me, logically, but there’s definitely more than a few relationships that would be ruined, especially with some people that I really care about. 

 

I do still feel the need to make the jokes, yeah, because I used to get them made about me a lot through middle school and the start of high school, and if I’m the one who’s making the jokes, it starts to deflect the attention off of me.

I do think I kind of blurred the line between joke and actual attraction a couple years ago, though, because I used to jokingly flirt with this one guy (everyone thinks that the guys who are the straightest are the ones who act the most “gay”) and we ended up actually becoming pretty close. I mean, for him, I’m sure it was just a joke, but that was part of what made me realize I was actually into guys. 

 

I look at a future where I’ve moved out as my chance to finally be able to not have to hide who I am in my home life, I’ll be able to date a guy without any sort of suspicion, because if I’m good enough at hiding this now, I should be fine with hiding a SO later in life. If I did decide to come out to some family members and friends at an age above 18, I think they’d think of it as less of a thing that they can control and change than they would while I’m still living here. This is a strong if, because honestly, I’m considering cutting all contact with my parents once I move out. 

[Duckie]

On 10/12/2023 at 2:53 PM, joobusmcgoober said:

I don’t know. Obviously there’s gotta be at least a few people who don’t reject me, logically, but there’s definitely more than a few relationships that would be ruined, especially with some people that I really care about. 

I do still feel the need to make the jokes, yeah, because I used to get them made about me a lot through middle school and the start of high school, and if I’m the one who’s making the jokes, it starts to deflect the attention off of me.

I do think I kind of blurred the line between joke and actual attraction a couple years ago, though, because I used to jokingly flirt with this one guy (everyone thinks that the guys who are the straightest are the ones who act the most “gay”) and we ended up actually becoming pretty close. I mean, for him, I’m sure it was just a joke, but that was part of what made me realize I was actually into guys. 

I look at a future where I’ve moved out as my chance to finally be able to not have to hide who I am in my home life, I’ll be able to date a guy without any sort of suspicion, because if I’m good enough at hiding this now, I should be fine with hiding a SO later in life. If I did decide to come out to some family members and friends at an age above 18, I think they’d think of it as less of a thing that they can control and change than they would while I’m still living here. This is a strong if, because honestly, I’m considering cutting all contact with my parents once I move out. 

I think this is a fair point. If we think about you as an 18+ year old who's confidently moved out and is able to provide for yourself - would you then feel comfortable telling everyone who you are? There might still be a risk of losing some people, but I also think there will be people who will support you or even be a bit indifferent about it. How do you imagine this going down?

I completely get that. I assure you many people will make these jokes to deflect attention. There is also a risk of it backfiring if you do too many jokes about it, but this is something you will most likely realise along the way. 

Do you think there is the slightest chance that this friend likes you back? I know what you mean about the hegemonic view that you are so strong in your sexuality that nothing intimidates you. But how did he react when you came on to him jokingly? Are you guys still close and all?

It is OK to look forward to this future and to invest in it. Do you know what you would like to work with in the future or where you would like to live? Or is it more important to move out as quickly as you can? It's interesting how you say that you have decided you are going to cut all contact with your parents. Would you like to walk me through your thoughts around this? No pressure and no judgement of course. I moved out of my family home when I was sixteen and I had already known for years that I'd want nothing to do with them.

[joobusmcgoober]

2 hours ago, Duckie said:

I think this is a fair point. If we think about you as an 18+ year old who's confidently moved out and is able to provide for yourself - would you then feel comfortable telling everyone who you are? There might still be a risk of losing some people, but I also think there will be people who will support you or even be a bit indifferent about it. How do you imagine this going down?

I completely get that. I assure you many people will make these jokes to deflect attention. There is also a risk of it backfiring if you do too many jokes about it, but this is something you will most likely realise along the way. 

Do you think there is the slightest chance that this friend likes you back? I know what you mean about the hegemonic view that you are so strong in your sexuality that nothing intimidates you. But how did he react when you came on to him jokingly? Are you guys still close and all?

It is OK to look forward to this future and to invest in it. Do you know what you would like to work with in the future or where you would like to live? Or is it more important to move out as quickly as you can? It's interesting how you say that you have decided you are going to cut all contact with your parents. Would you like to walk me through your thoughts around this? No pressure and no judgement of course. I moved out of my family home when I was sixteen and I had already known for years that I'd want nothing to do with them.

I’m not sure I’ll ever feel completely comfortable telling super close family members or close friends, but apart from them, I should be a lot more able to share who I am with people. Honestly, I’m just not sure if I’m ever gonna be ready to disappoint my parents, siblings, mentors, and friends by acknowledging that I feel this way. 

 

I mean, there could’ve been a chance. I don’t know, though. He goes to the same school as me, so we’re in the same position if he is actually gay. (He definitely has the mannerisms and stuff, a lot of people think he is but I know that doesn’t necessarily mean he actually is.) He reacted in a way that made it seem like he could go either way, honestly. He flirted back a lot more than I expected. Like, I haven’t seen any actually straight guys flirt like that. We flirted a bunch during the school musical, but we haven’t talked a ton since then. We texted a little, and I tried to seed it out to him, but I’m not sure if it got across.

 

I know what I want to do for work, but if I want to get through college I probably won’t be able to cut contact with my parents until I get out. Ideally, I’d be able to move to anywhere I can get my licensure in counseling, and the program I’m looking at says that the course will fill the licensure requirements in a number of states, so the only issues would be finding a way to move my stuff out (basically pack my shit and run since i’m planning on going to an out-of-state college anyway) and pay for a place to live somewhere else. The main issue is obviously paying for a place to live as a newly graduated (most likely broke) college student. 

 

Thank you for being so nonjudgmental. Honestly it makes me feel a lot more comfortable and free to talk, especially since I obviously don’t get a lot of that at home. Having this opportunity to talk is a serious help for me. :)

 

[Duckie]

13 hours ago, joobusmcgoober said:

I’m not sure I’ll ever feel completely comfortable telling super close family members or close friends, but apart from them, I should be a lot more able to share who I am with people. Honestly, I’m just not sure if I’m ever gonna be ready to disappoint my parents, siblings, mentors, and friends by acknowledging that I feel this way. 

I mean, there could’ve been a chance. I don’t know, though. He goes to the same school as me, so we’re in the same position if he is actually gay. (He definitely has the mannerisms and stuff, a lot of people think he is but I know that doesn’t necessarily mean he actually is.) He reacted in a way that made it seem like he could go either way, honestly. He flirted back a lot more than I expected. Like, I haven’t seen any actually straight guys flirt like that. We flirted a bunch during the school musical, but we haven’t talked a ton since then. We texted a little, and I tried to seed it out to him, but I’m not sure if it got across.

I know what I want to do for work, but if I want to get through college I probably won’t be able to cut contact with my parents until I get out. Ideally, I’d be able to move to anywhere I can get my licensure in counseling, and the program I’m looking at says that the course will fill the licensure requirements in a number of states, so the only issues would be finding a way to move my stuff out (basically pack my shit and run since i’m planning on going to an out-of-state college anyway) and pay for a place to live somewhere else. The main issue is obviously paying for a place to live as a newly graduated (most likely broke) college student. 

Thank you for being so nonjudgmental. Honestly it makes me feel a lot more comfortable and free to talk, especially since I obviously don’t get a lot of that at home. Having this opportunity to talk is a serious help for me. :)

I completely get that. You are already tripping on eggshells trying not to raise suspicion and maintaining a view of yourself as one of the other guys. It sounds like it will take time before you will be able to comfortably come out to anyone. But it is OK for it to take time. Real friends will stay with you and understand how much this has been weighing on you. And in a few years when you're all out a school that might be reinforcing the message that LGBTQ+ isn't OK, it might just be easier for them all to accept that this is how you feel.

You might both be in the same boat now that I think about it. Because he might also be gay and not feel able to say so. Or he might be an ally who is OK with people being gay, but not feel comfortable to express this opinion out loud. 

I'm really pleased that you know what you want to do career wise. A lot of people find themselves not knowing at your age (and this is of course absolutely fine and normal), But this could really motivate you to get out of your home. I wonder whether your parents would support you studying in another state. Has this ever been mentioned before? It seems you have the next couple of years planned out, but no space for where you can comfortably come out. How do you feel about this?

Of course dear. I am so happy this has been helpful for you. We are so happy to have you hear with us. Sharing what you're going through will help a lot of people who are struggling to come out. You are doing so well.

[joobusmcgoober]

10 hours ago, Duckie said:

I completely get that. You are already tripping on eggshells trying not to raise suspicion and maintaining a view of yourself as one of the other guys. It sounds like it will take time before you will be able to comfortably come out to anyone. But it is OK for it to take time. Real friends will stay with you and understand how much this has been weighing on you. And in a few years when you're all out a school that might be reinforcing the message that LGBTQ+ isn't OK, it might just be easier for them all to accept that this is how you feel.

You might both be in the same boat now that I think about it. Because he might also be gay and not feel able to say so. Or he might be an ally who is OK with people being gay, but not feel comfortable to express this opinion out loud. 

I'm really pleased that you know what you want to do career wise. A lot of people find themselves not knowing at your age (and this is of course absolutely fine and normal), But this could really motivate you to get out of your home. I wonder whether your parents would support you studying in another state. Has this ever been mentioned before? It seems you have the next couple of years planned out, but no space for where you can comfortably come out. How do you feel about this?

Of course dear. I am so happy this has been helpful for you. We are so happy to have you hear with us. Sharing what you're going through will help a lot of people who are struggling to come out. You are doing so well.

 

Honestly, I really hope he is. He’s like the most perfect person I’ve ever met, and I think he’s the same sort of stuck that I am. I actually told him, one night when we were talking, that some people think he’s gay (it’s true that people say that but it was also so i could avoid saying that i was asking for myself) and he said that it was bad that people thought that about him (i tried to make it clear that i was at least an ally because i couldn’t just outright tell him). The whole conversation overall just made me more confused about what he feels. Like, he said “i lowkey am fruity” and i tried to respond like asking if he was serious and he said “but men do get me excited” and the next message was “don’t****”, like it’s not that hard of a typo to fix so there’s no way he wasn’t hinting at that. I called it out as a mixed message and he said “it’s not what it looks like, i promise i’m straight” and then proceeded to repeat that and ask who thought he was gay because he didn’t want to be seen as that. I told him it was okay and that people used to say it about me too but that was kind of where the conversation ended. 

 

My parents are fully supportive of my going to college in another state, but the only school that has the program that would make this easier for me is a Christian college. Obviously, this college is going to be a lot less strict in terms of finding out about lifestyle choices, mostly since it’ll be a lot easier to separate it from my school life when I’m not as rigidly held accountable to anyone. Obviously, this means that I’m probably not going to be able to come out for even longer, but i’ve hidden it for this long, so it should be fine. Like… I get that the feeling I’m already getting from that’s not healthy to bottle up, but it’s probably worth it if I can get away from those people for good. 

 

I mean, is it worth it? Would it be better for me to just look for any job opportunities somewhere else to try and save enough to support myself in the short term?

 

[Duckie]

11 hours ago, joobusmcgoober said:

Honestly, I really hope he is. He’s like the most perfect person I’ve ever met, and I think he’s the same sort of stuck that I am. I actually told him, one night when we were talking, that some people think he’s gay (it’s true that people say that but it was also so i could avoid saying that i was asking for myself) and he said that it was bad that people thought that about him (i tried to make it clear that i was at least an ally because i couldn’t just outright tell him). The whole conversation overall just made me more confused about what he feels. Like, he said “i lowkey am fruity” and i tried to respond like asking if he was serious and he said “but men do get me excited” and the next message was “don’t****”, like it’s not that hard of a typo to fix so there’s no way he wasn’t hinting at that. I called it out as a mixed message and he said “it’s not what it looks like, i promise i’m straight” and then proceeded to repeat that and ask who thought he was gay because he didn’t want to be seen as that. I told him it was okay and that people used to say it about me too but that was kind of where the conversation ended. 

My parents are fully supportive of my going to college in another state, but the only school that has the program that would make this easier for me is a Christian college. Obviously, this college is going to be a lot less strict in terms of finding out about lifestyle choices, mostly since it’ll be a lot easier to separate it from my school life when I’m not as rigidly held accountable to anyone. Obviously, this means that I’m probably not going to be able to come out for even longer, but i’ve hidden it for this long, so it should be fine. Like… I get that the feeling I’m already getting from that’s not healthy to bottle up, but it’s probably worth it if I can get away from those people for good. 

I mean, is it worth it? Would it be better for me to just look for any job opportunities somewhere else to try and save enough to support myself in the short term?

Hi @joobusmcgoober,

It might have been a bit too direct for him to handle at this point. I think you were very discreet towards the beginning, but he might not have felt able to handle follow up questions at that point. Thing is he might not be completely clear in regards to his sexuality. To some people it can be fluid and change depending on who you find yourself attracted to and that can also be confusing. I am sensing that he is tiptoeing around the subject, knowing that it would be too risky to discuss it. If you were him in that conversation, would you have come out first? I'm wondering if this is something you could re-visit at some point. Do you guys still talk and stuff?

You're raising a really interesting point regarding the Christian college. Is this one that you want to attend full stop? Does it offer courses you would like to take etc.?

I am asking this, because if the answer is yes, then I'm thinking there's a way to compartmentalise school-you and after-school-you, if you feel you really want to go to this college. Or you might find they are actually a lot more accepting towards people's different sexualities at this college. Is there anywhere you can read up on this college and their values? Another suggestion would be to look into another college that you can say offer something unique that you would really excell in and present this to your parents as an alternative route. Is there anything particular field for example that you would feel particularly interested in working in? :)

[joobusmcgoober]

1 hour ago, Duckie said:

Hi @joobusmcgoober,

It might have been a bit too direct for him to handle at this point. I think you were very discreet towards the beginning, but he might not have felt able to handle follow up questions at that point. Thing is he might not be completely clear in regards to his sexuality. To some people it can be fluid and change depending on who you find yourself attracted to and that can also be confusing. I am sensing that he is tiptoeing around the subject, knowing that it would be too risky to discuss it. If you were him in that conversation, would you have come out first? I'm wondering if this is something you could re-visit at some point. Do you guys still talk and stuff?

You're raising a really interesting point regarding the Christian college. Is this one that you want to attend full stop? Does it offer courses you would like to take etc.?

I am asking this, because if the answer is yes, then I'm thinking there's a way to compartmentalise school-you and after-school-you, if you feel you really want to go to this college. Or you might find they are actually a lot more accepting towards people's different sexualities at this college. Is there anywhere you can read up on this college and their values? Another suggestion would be to look into another college that you can say offer something unique that you would really excell in and present this to your parents as an alternative route. Is there anything particular field for example that you would feel particularly interested in working in? :)

No, I definitely wouldn’t have come out first, just because that’s a tough conversation to have, even with someone who says they’re supportive just for the chance that they might tell the school. We still talk occasionally and we snap pretty often, but I’m not sure how I would approach that as a conversation topic again. I probably wouldn’t have initiated it the first time if he didn’t say anything.

 

Oh yeah, the college offers a 4+1 Bachelor/Master’s program in exactly what I want to do that would fill all requirements for getting my license, so it would be really helpful. I haven’t been able to find any other colleges that offer the same or even a comparable program. 

 

Yeah, I can definitely check on that, but I think you’re probably more right about being more free to compartmentalize school life and after school life with the level of freedom I’ll have in college compared to right now. 

 

I’m absolutely interested in pursuing a career in clinical mental health counseling. I’m not too worried about the actual difficulty of the work, since I’ve been told by people that already go to the school (my sister goes there currently so i’ve met a few of her friends who actually knew something about the program) that it’s probably easier than the classes i’m taking now, just more workload. My parents have even encouraged me to find other options, but I haven’t been able to find anything like it at other schools. 

[Duckie]

50 minutes ago, joobusmcgoober said:

No, I definitely wouldn’t have come out first, just because that’s a tough conversation to have, even with someone who says they’re supportive just for the chance that they might tell the school. We still talk occasionally and we snap pretty often, but I’m not sure how I would approach that as a conversation topic again. I probably wouldn’t have initiated it the first time if he didn’t say anything.

Oh yeah, the college offers a 4+1 Bachelor/Master’s program in exactly what I want to do that would fill all requirements for getting my license, so it would be really helpful. I haven’t been able to find any other colleges that offer the same or even a comparable program. 

Yeah, I can definitely check on that, but I think you’re probably more right about being more free to compartmentalize school life and after school life with the level of freedom I’ll have in college compared to right now. 

I’m absolutely interested in pursuing a career in clinical mental health counseling. I’m not too worried about the actual difficulty of the work, since I’ve been told by people that already go to the school (my sister goes there currently so i’ve met a few of her friends who actually knew something about the program) that it’s probably easier than the classes i’m taking now, just more workload. My parents have even encouraged me to find other options, but I haven’t been able to find anything like it at other schools. 

I think that makes sense. Because even if someone in your personal sphere was really supportive about it, you would still feel hesistant to come out to them. Especially in writing, I reckon, because people will sometimes use this against people. I'm not saying you ever would, but the thought of having it in writing (or even the thought of typing it) might have been something your friend didn't feel ready to do. It's good to hear that you're still in touch, though :)

That sounds ideal! What's your sister's experience with the college? Will she still be there when you would be starting or would she have graduated by then? The good thing is still that this college would be in another state so this might just overall make you feel more comfortable to express yourself - whether inside or outside of the college. Could defo be worth checking their ethos or even making an anonumous question directly to the college regarding this. Happy to ask for you if you need, but no pressure of course.

I think you'd be a great counsellor. You're really articulate and you know what it's like to be affected by having to hide your true identity so I think you would be able to help many people feeling lost in this. May I ask why your parents are trying to encourage you to find other options? Do they not like the school?

[joobusmcgoober]

2 hours ago, Duckie said:

I think that makes sense. Because even if someone in your personal sphere was really supportive about it, you would still feel hesistant to come out to them. Especially in writing, I reckon, because people will sometimes use this against people. I'm not saying you ever would, but the thought of having it in writing (or even the thought of typing it) might have been something your friend didn't feel ready to do. It's good to hear that you're still in touch, though :)

That sounds ideal! What's your sister's experience with the college? Will she still be there when you would be starting or would she have graduated by then? The good thing is still that this college would be in another state so this might just overall make you feel more comfortable to express yourself - whether inside or outside of the college. Could defo be worth checking their ethos or even making an anonumous question directly to the college regarding this. Happy to ask for you if you need, but no pressure of course.

I think you'd be a great counsellor. You're really articulate and you know what it's like to be affected by having to hide your true identity so I think you would be able to help many people feeling lost in this. May I ask why your parents are trying to encourage you to find other options? Do they not like the school?

My sister loves the school, but she’s going into a vastly different field than I want to (she’s doing music education). I honestly think the school would be a good fit for me too, though. If I go straight out of high school, she’ll be there for one semester while I’m there, but I might be taking a gap year to save up some more, since I’m gonna be graduating at 17 anyway. 

 

Absolutely, the college being in another state is gonna be really helpful for me being able to self-express. I’ve been doing a bunch of research about the school and from what I can see, they’re not very accepting. It’s fine, though, it’s not like i’m gonna spend all my time there. I definitely have plenty of opportunity to pursue things outside of school that can allow for me to feel exponentially more free to be who I am than I do while I’m still living at home. 

 

That actually means a lot to me. :)  I’m so glad that I give the impression of someone that’d be good as a counsellor. Being able to help people going through what i’ve gone through the past few years will mean more than anything to me.

 

They like the school, they just don’t want me to “limit myself”. They want me to pursue a career in something more lucrative to be able to live comfortably and maybe even help to provide for them as they get older.  Just because I get good grades in things from other possible fields doesn’t mean I’m more motivated to pursue them over counseling, though.

[Duckie]

3 hours ago, joobusmcgoober said:

My sister loves the school, but she’s going into a vastly different field than I want to (she’s doing music education). I honestly think the school would be a good fit for me too, though. If I go straight out of high school, she’ll be there for one semester while I’m there, but I might be taking a gap year to save up some more, since I’m gonna be graduating at 17 anyway. 

Absolutely, the college being in another state is gonna be really helpful for me being able to self-express. I’ve been doing a bunch of research about the school and from what I can see, they’re not very accepting. It’s fine, though, it’s not like i’m gonna spend all my time there. I definitely have plenty of opportunity to pursue things outside of school that can allow for me to feel exponentially more free to be who I am than I do while I’m still living at home. 

That actually means a lot to me. :)  I’m so glad that I give the impression of someone that’d be good as a counsellor. Being able to help people going through what i’ve gone through the past few years will mean more than anything to me.

They like the school, they just don’t want me to “limit myself”. They want me to pursue a career in something more lucrative to be able to live comfortably and maybe even help to provide for them as they get older.  Just because I get good grades in things from other possible fields doesn’t mean I’m more motivated to pursue them over counseling, though.

That's really good that your sister's had such a good experience with the school! A gap year sound good and rewarding for you. It might make it easier for you to practise compartmentalising where you identify as gay and where you don't feel safe doing so. 

Sorry to hear the school doesn't seem very accepting. How long is this counselling degree that you are looking to pursue? Living by yourself and all will be a great opportunity for you to be able to express yourself and to start a journey towards being able to come out. Because after all no one at school really has to know if you don't feel comfortable telling them. You could still join and LGTBQ+ group after school for example.

I'm not sure I understand your parents logic, but maybe I'm not seeing something. As someone who has a degree in both music and psychology, music was always the safest most lucrative route. Imagine during the pandemic when no one could perform or anything for a year! I would say counselling is a safe and lucratice field, and it usually opens doors to further education and specialization. But that's my experience of it.

[joobusmcgoober]

4 hours ago, Duckie said:

That's really good that your sister's had such a good experience with the school! A gap year sound good and rewarding for you. It might make it easier for you to practise compartmentalising where you identify as gay and where you don't feel safe doing so. 

Sorry to hear the school doesn't seem very accepting. How long is this counselling degree that you are looking to pursue? Living by yourself and all will be a great opportunity for you to be able to express yourself and to start a journey towards being able to come out. Because after all no one at school really has to know if you don't feel comfortable telling them. You could still join and LGTBQ+ group after school for example.

I'm not sure I understand your parents logic, but maybe I'm not seeing something. As someone who has a degree in both music and psychology, music was always the safest most lucrative route. Imagine during the pandemic when no one could perform or anything for a year! I would say counselling is a safe and lucratice field, and it usually opens doors to further education and specialization. But that's my experience of it.

Yeah, a gap year sounds like a great option for me, which will definitely be useful in helping to pay for college. It’ll also be a great option for me to be able to start to spend time with people who affirm my choices since I’ll be a lot more free to go where I like when I’m more independent. 

 

The counseling degree would take me five years to get, but considering it’s a master’s and i’ll be qualified to get a decently paying job straight out of college, it’s pretty worth it.  Yeah, getting involved in an LGBTQ+ community outside of school definitely would be a good thing for me once I’m there. 

 

I don’t really understand why they think that counseling isn’t worth pursuing either, they just think I should pursue a STEM field that pays some insane amount of money, but that’s just not what I want.

[Duckie]

On 10/17/2023 at 11:16 PM, joobusmcgoober said:

Yeah, a gap year sounds like a great option for me, which will definitely be useful in helping to pay for college. It’ll also be a great option for me to be able to start to spend time with people who affirm my choices since I’ll be a lot more free to go where I like when I’m more independent. 

The counseling degree would take me five years to get, but considering it’s a master’s and i’ll be qualified to get a decently paying job straight out of college, it’s pretty worth it.  Yeah, getting involved in an LGBTQ+ community outside of school definitely would be a good thing for me once I’m there. 

I don’t really understand why they think that counseling isn’t worth pursuing either, they just think I should pursue a STEM field that pays some insane amount of money, but that’s just not what I want.

Have you got any plans for what you would like to do or work with during your GAP year? Maybe you could do an internship or something :) I second that! I think it's a great idea to get some time to yourself and do something to invest in the future you - whether it's making money or expressing yourself.

It sounds like a pretty solid plan to me! When do you think you would be starting?

I know right! Counselling is quite a timeless profession as such, as people will always want to talk to other people and reach out for help when they feel stuck in the same patterns. I feel like the need is pretty equal to a STEM related degree. They can even be a bit vague as such, because unless you know what direction you're thinking of going with it might be hard to know what to do with a STEM degree. Which is good for some people of course, but your plan sounds solid and thought through.

[joobusmcgoober]

11 hours ago, Duckie said:

Have you got any plans for what you would like to do or work with during your GAP year? Maybe you could do an internship or something :) I second that! I think it's a great idea to get some time to yourself and do something to invest in the future you - whether it's making money or expressing yourself.

It sounds like a pretty solid plan to me! When do you think you would be starting?

I know right! Counselling is quite a timeless profession as such, as people will always want to talk to other people and reach out for help when they feel stuck in the same patterns. I feel like the need is pretty equal to a STEM related degree. They can even be a bit vague as such, because unless you know what direction you're thinking of going with it might be hard to know what to do with a STEM degree. Which is good for some people of course, but your plan sounds solid and thought through.

Honestly, that’s a thing that I haven’t really thought about a ton. I’m willing to just find some random job that pays decently and I can get a shit ton of hours from, but an internship would be pretty interesting. 

 

If I’m planning on taking a gap year, most likely I’d want to start fall semester 2026?? I think. 

 

Yeah, considering the prevalent role that counseling has begun to take in society after the pandemic and everything, I think it’s becoming a lot more widely used as the stigma around mental health issues has sort of lessened (at least in my experience). 

[Duckie]

11 hours ago, joobusmcgoober said:

Honestly, that’s a thing that I haven’t really thought about a ton. I’m willing to just find some random job that pays decently and I can get a shit ton of hours from, but an internship would be pretty interesting. 

If I’m planning on taking a gap year, most likely I’d want to start fall semester 2026?? I think. 

Yeah, considering the prevalent role that counseling has begun to take in society after the pandemic and everything, I think it’s becoming a lot more widely used as the stigma around mental health issues has sort of lessened (at least in my experience). 

Hi @joobusmcgoober,

That's OK. It sounds like you have some time to think about what you would like to do. Please know there is no pressure to do something incredible or once-in-a-lifetime sort of stuff. A lot of people take a gap year just to be able to get some time to themselves and get a break from studies. I did it myself and just did little courses in creative writing and the odd jobs as an extra. Working on movie sets was a lot of fun! Made me realise how much thought goes into every single second you watch. I didn't backpack through Asia like some of my friends did, but I did learn a lot about myself just from not feeling pressured for once (ie doing well in school and thinking about the future and stuff). Does that make sense?

It sounds like you've got a good plan for the future. That's really good. Do you think you will be able to cope being in the closet until then? Do you know what your friends are going to do next?

I think it's an excellent idea. And you really seem passionate about it too, which will make studying it so much simpler.

[Angie.k]

For the past two years or so I've been identifying as bisexual but lately I feel like my attraction to guys is more surface level.i just appreciate how they look but I don't really want to date them and having sex with a guy seems icky to me. I've never dated either or done anything with either and I'm also worried that maybe this is just a phase idk . 

[Emberfrost12]

1 hour ago, Angie.k said:

For the past two years or so I've been identifying as bisexual but lately I feel like my attraction to guys is more surface level.i just appreciate how they look but I don't really want to date them and having sex with a guy seems icky to me. I've never dated either or done anything with either and I'm also worried that maybe this is just a phase idk . 

Hey, welcome to the community!

It's fair to feel like your attraction to guys is more surface level. It's also understandable to be worried that this is a phase, but it may be worth it to keep in mind that sexual and romantic attraction can change over time, and it's valid at all points. Are you worried about things like labels, or is there something else you're unsure about? Is there anything you need help with?