I really wish I looked less feminine…

[Asher]

Hey, I’m Asher and I’m nonbinary and pansexual. It’s been a little less than a year since I figured out who I am, and this whole process has been really crazy. At first I didn’t think I had gender dysphoria, but now I’m starting to realize that it’s always been there. Ive always been self conscious about appearing too feminine since I’m AFAB, but before I thought it was because I was a tomboy. Now I’m starting to realize that it’s not exactly normal for a cis girl to daydream about her voice being deeper or being mistaken for a guy. Now, when I look in the mirror I have mixed feelings about what I see. I think I look cute, but I wish I looked more androgynous. What I really want is to get a binder. I know that would help a LOT, but I won’t be able to get one for another couple of years, maybe longer. My parents don’t know that I’m nonbinary yet, so I can’t really ask them for one. I also want to be able to shop in the men’s section as well as the women’s section so I can add more masculine clothes to my closet, but I’m too scared to ask for that too. I’m not sure what I can do to help with my dysphoria. I can’t really do anything until I come out, but I’ve already made plans to do that in around a year and a half. So what do I do until then? Do I just power through it?

[Monsoon]

Hey Asher

Thank you for opening up to us more about your gender. It's good that you're speaking out and asking others for help. I get how the situation that you're in now is tricky; I hear that you want to take your journey further, but only coming out in a year or so is a bit of a bump in the road. However, I'm sure there are things you can do without your family knowing. I'm wondering, have you done any research online for things you could do until then? Let me know and I can then help you more. If you have any ideas yourself, maybe you could share them here? We often have many solutions already in mind when it comes to our problems, so I'm curious to know if you've thought of anything else yet. Speak soon. 

[Asher]

The only thing I’ve been able to think of is shopping in the men’s section when I go shopping with some friends. I’m planning on telling them that men’s clothes just fit me better (because I’m really tall) and are really comfortable. I have no idea what I could do about binding though… I know my parents would notice if I started wearing one. Plus I don’t know how I could get one in the first place without them finding out. Also right now only one of my friends knows I’m nonbinary… I’m still working on telling my other friends. What are your ideas?

[ArtemisArt]

You remember me a bit of my non-binary best friend and they cut their hair about mid length around their ears telling their parents it was more convenient for them without telling their parents they are non-binary I wish I had more advice for you but maybe just tell your parents that it’s a little bit more convenient to where boys clothes or maybe try buying clothes that aren’t labeled boy or girl Good luck Asher

[Asher]

1 hour ago, Saphira said:

You remember me a bit of my non-binary best friend and they cut their hair about mid length around their ears telling their parents it was more convenient for them without telling their parents they are non-binary I wish I had more advice for you but maybe just tell your parents that it’s a little bit more convenient to where boys clothes or maybe try buying clothes that aren’t labeled boy or girl Good luck Asher

Thanks Saphira. I actually got my hair cut super short about a year ago, and I told my parents that I just like how short hair looks on girls and that I found long hair annoying lol. Back then I actually believed that excuse too but now I’ve come to realize that I just felt super awkward with long hair. It never felt like me. I’ve never felt more confident since I got my hair cut, and I’m hoping to get it even shorter soon!

Edited July 2, 2021 by Asher

[Stormy_Skies]

2 hours ago, Asher said:

Thanks Saphira. I actually got my hair cut super short about a year ago, and I told my parents that I just like how short hair looks on girls and that I found long hair annoying lol. Back then I actually believed that excuse too but now I’ve come to realize that I just felt super awkward with long hair. It never felt like me. I’ve never felt more confident since I got my hair cut, and I’m hoping to get it even shorter soon!

Hey so, I’m fluidflux (afab) so I get your pain, and so if you still have a swimsuit that’s a size too small lying around somewhere you could try cutting off the part where your legs go, folding up the extra fabric and sewing it up, which creates a homemade binder, or two sports bras, soft kt tape works if you’re *really* small chested, but yeah. Ofc with all of these methods you still need to take proper binder breaks. Anyway, if you want a binder-binder, try a site like swag bucks, you can earn an amazon gift card by completing surveys, give it to a supportive friend and they can use it to buy you a nice G2cb binder.

[Monsoon]

On 6/30/2021 at 7:48 PM, Asher said:

The only thing I’ve been able to think of is shopping in the men’s section when I go shopping with some friends. I’m planning on telling them that men’s clothes just fit me better (because I’m really tall) and are really comfortable. I have no idea what I could do about binding though… I know my parents would notice if I started wearing one. Plus I don’t know how I could get one in the first place without them finding out. Also right now only one of my friends knows I’m nonbinary… I’m still working on telling my other friends. What are your ideas?

 

Hey there,

I would definitely agree with starting to add more ‘male fitting’ clothes to your closet. Whilst you are reliant on your parents, it would probably be better to do it gradually - you could say you want some more casual, loose fitting shirts / jeans. You mentioned that you previously thought you were a tomboy and as I’m sure you know, it’s completely normal to experiment with styles as we grow up - so they may not be surprised in any way which gives you some space to explore this.  

Are you able to shop for your own clothes if you have birthday money for example? This would also be a good time to start to reduce the more femimine styles and shop in the men's section more freely. 

A sports bra (the crop top type) could potentially be a good compromise for right now and would give you a good idea of how a binder might feel. It also has the benefit of not raising any particular questions that you’re not ready for.

When wearing anything that compresses the chest area this is a really useful useful guide: https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/03/15/how-to-use-a-binder-safely-a-transgender-and-non-binary-guide/  

Do you think any of these might be a good starting point?

 

[Asher]

I’ll definitely start shopping in the men’s section once I can go shopping in my own! I haven’t started driver’s ed yet though, so that might have to wait a little bit I’ll try asking for a sports bra next time I go shopping though. Thanks for the tips!

[Asher]

11 hours ago, Stormy_Skies said:

Hey so, I’m fluidflux (afab) so I get your pain, and so if you still have a swimsuit that’s a size too small lying around somewhere you could try cutting off the part where your legs go, folding up the extra fabric and sewing it up, which creates a homemade binder, or two sports bras, soft kt tape works if you’re *really* small chested, but yeah. Ofc with all of these methods you still need to take proper binder breaks. Anyway, if you want a binder-binder, try a site like swag bucks, you can earn an amazon gift card by completing surveys, give it to a supportive friend and they can use it to buy you a nice G2cb binder.

Awesome! I’ll definitely try the Amazon thing at some point! Sadly, I’m fresh out of old swimsuits, and I don’t think they’re the right type either that sounds like a really cool hack though!

[MoonieOwl]

You probably already thought of this but my only advice is if someone asks why your getting mens clothes either say 'mind your own business' or 'shopping for a friend/family member'.

Hope this helps a bit!

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, Asher said:

I’ll definitely start shopping in the men’s section once I can go shopping in my own! I haven’t started driver’s ed yet though, so that might have to wait a little bit I’ll try asking for a sports bra next time I go shopping though. Thanks for the tips!

No worries :). Let us know how it all goes!