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I don’t know what to do…


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Hey, I’m Asher and I’m nonbinary and pansexual. I’ve finally figured out who I am and I really want to be able to be myself and talk to people about this, but all of my friends and family are homo/bi/transphobic. I want to come out so bad and I really want to do it before next year when I’m going to be studying abroad for a year. What should I do? I know my friends and family won’t react well but I don’t want to keep lying to them or myself anymore… this has been really tiring and stressful , and honestly I kinda just want to get it over with. But is that a good idea??? HELP

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Just to let you know, I think there’s a very little chance of me getting kicked out or abused. Verbal abuse, maybe. But definitely not physical abuse. Im sure my parents will be very confused and angry and upset about the subject, but I don’t believe they’d ever do anything to harm me. I have a really good relationship with them right now, and they’re good Christians, so they have a pretty good set of morals when it comes to other things than the lgbtq+ community. I’ve seen this question asked a bunch of times on other posts, so I thought I’d answer it ahead of time.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Asher 

Thanks for explaining your situation to me. It's good to know that there is very little chance of you getting kicked out or physically abused. I can completely see why it would be really tiring and stressful being in this kind of situation. I wonder, do you feel like they will have a bad reaction when you come out? If so, I wonder if it's best to do it while you're studying abroad? Having that kind of break can really help to smooth things over if it doesn't go well. Do you think you could wait that long? 

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I definitely think they’ll have a bad reaction to me coming out… they’re always mocking and making fun of gay and trans people they see on tv and in public. Since we’re Christians they view being part of the lgbtq+ community as a sin. I’m sure I could wait that long since I really do want to come out to them, but im not sure if im ready to deal with their reactions yet. For a while I considered waiting until I moved out before coming out to them, but I know I won’t be able to wait that long. If I were to wait until I was studying abroad, how should I go about coming out to them? Would I do it right before I left? Or would I do it over the phone? I kind of want to do it in person since I’m not really good with talking over the phone…

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Asher

I'm sorry to hear that they mock you and make fun of the LGBTQ+ community; I can imagine that this really hurts your feelings. Can I ask, do you think they could ever come round to you being non binary and pansexual? I've supported many people whose families have had a bad reaction at first, but as time goes on, they end up coming around to the idea out of pure love for the person. This can take time though, so it's important to trust the process and be patient with it; therefore, I think that it might be best for you to come out when you're already living away because distance can give perspective which can then fuel acceptance. I think that it might be easier to do it when you're already abroad because if they do react badly, then you don't have to be there in person to deal with it - this is where the distance comes in handy. What do you reckon? 

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I think it’s POSSIBLE that they could come around to me being pan and nonbinary, but I’m not sure. They’ve been taught that the lgbtq+ community is bad all their lives, so I think it’d be hard for them to change their minds. They would probably think they’d be doing me a favor by trying to get rid of this. Im starting to think that waiting until I’m studying abroad would be the best plan, because Ive already came out to two of my friends and it was really stressful. They didn’t even react that badly but it still hurt that they weren’t totally accepting, so I don’t know how I would do if my parents didn’t take it well. I think up until Ieave the country I’m going to come out to my friends one by one so that I have some people to talk to if I need support. Thank you so much for your help by the way, you have no idea how happy it makes me to finally have someone to talk to about this. This whole process has been really scary, and not having anyone to talk to only made it harder. I’ve only been on here for a few days but I’m really happy I found this place!

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey Asher,

Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. It's so important to have that support system around you so you have someone to lean on if it gets hard. Wise move :)

I get what you're saying about how it would be hard for them to change their mind, but it does happen. It can take a long time, so you have to be really patient. They may ask odd questions that are rude, but if you keep educating them, hopefully they will come around. I often find that for people in a similar situation to you, the family usually end up coming around to the idea, and they do this out of pure love for the person who has came out. At the end of the day, unconditional love brings people back together and can open up even the most stubborn of minds. What do you reckon? 

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Yeah, I think you’re right. I know for sure that my parents love me very much, so hopefully that’ll help them come to terms with the news… and they’ll have a year or so to work through it for themselves. Maybe they will have calmed down by the time I get back from Japan.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

Yeah, time and distance is so helpful when things are tricky, so I think that it will do you and your family the world of good if they don't react well. Also, it's very exciting that you're going to be in Japan. What will you be studying? 

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I’m mostly just going there to learn about their culture and hopefully learn Japanese! I wanted to know what it would be like to live there rather than just going as a visitor. I’m super excited about it! I’ve never left the country before!😄

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No, I don’t know anybody. I really hope that I’ll be able to go and make friends there since I know so little Japanese. So far I only know 1 and a half of their alphabets and a few basic words. I’m going to try to get more serious about learning Japanese with all the free time I have this summer! I’m super excited!

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Meet people? Like people from Japan? I’ve heard of some apps and websites where you can chat with Japanese people so you can practice your Japanese skills. Then they can correct you when you mess up, but I don’t know enough Japanese to even make a sentence 😅. I really want to get a tutor since learning Japanese on my own hasn’t been going too well, but my parents don’t really want to pay for one since they’re already paying for piano lessons. Maybe I can convince them to get me one this year.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Asher

Yeah, I think it would be good to practise your Japanese as much as possible. I wonder if you could get Japanese lessons instead of piano? It would be more useful to have the language lessons for now so that you can build on your skills for when you move. What do you think? :)

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On 7/3/2021 at 10:48 AM, Asher said:

Meet people? Like people from Japan? I’ve heard of some apps and websites where you can chat with Japanese people so you can practice your Japanese skills. Then they can correct you when you mess up, but I don’t know enough Japanese to even make a sentence 😅. I really want to get a tutor since learning Japanese on my own hasn’t been going too well, but my parents don’t really want to pay for one since they’re already paying for piano lessons. Maybe I can convince them to get me one this year.

Ogenki desu ka? ( use mango languages, it's slow going because I'm bad at doing it every day)

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On 7/4/2021 at 12:06 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey @Asher

Yeah, I think it would be good to practise your Japanese as much as possible. I wonder if you could get Japanese lessons instead of piano? It would be more useful to have the language lessons for now so that you can build on your skills for when you move. What do you think? :)

Hm, maybe… but I’m also pretty serious about getting better at the piano. I guess I’ll talk to my parents about it and figure out what I can do so I can keep doing piano as well as learn Japanese.

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