hello! could use some help, questioning sexuality.

[no one important]

hi! my name is vera and i could use some help. 

i'm female (biologically, i also don't really know my gender either) and i have tons of male friends. i've had crushes on all sorts of genders in the past, but i don't know if i like guys anymore. i want to like asexually cuddle them and maybe make out but like i'd rather have a girlfriend. i prefer women sexually, but i'm scared to date a girl because i'd have to come out to my parents most likely which i don't want to do. this is bugging me a lot. i also don't really know if sex is anything appealing, i mean it's fun and all i guess but it doesn't seem too interesting. i frankly wish that sex wasn't needed for human reproduction, it's kind of disgusting but the idea of connecting with another person to that point sounds good to me. i just don't know anymore and it's annoying.

i just hope someone can help.

[-Leila-]

10 hours ago, merelyvera said:

hi! my name is vera and i could use some help. 

i'm female (biologically, i also don't really know my gender either) and i have tons of male friends. i've had crushes on all sorts of genders in the past, but i don't know if i like guys anymore. i want to like asexually cuddle them and maybe make out but like i'd rather have a girlfriend. i prefer women sexually, but i'm scared to date a girl because i'd have to come out to my parents most likely which i don't want to do. this is bugging me a lot. i also don't really know if sex is anything appealing, i mean it's fun and all i guess but it doesn't seem too interesting. i frankly wish that sex wasn't needed for human reproduction, it's kind of disgusting but the idea of connecting with another person to that point sounds good to me. i just don't know anymore and it's annoying.

i just hope someone can help.

Hi there,

 thanks for explaining what’s going on for you. I hear how confused you are about your gender. I hear how mixed feelings you are to both genders and that’s okay you’re allowed to question what gender you like.  Sex is a thing people do to show the other person they love them but I hear how disgusting it sounds to you. When questioning our gender we can get confused on what we think we may be and what our sexuality is, and that’s totally okay to wonder and think about what your sexuality is. 

DTL is a friendly, supportive community where you can get support and advice. It’s a lovely place to be in. 
 

here at DTL there are support mentors who give advice and help you through what issue your going through. I’ll tag them below so you know who to reach out to when you’re needing that extra bit of support. 
 

hugs

 

@Digital Mentor

[peanutbutterstruggles]

hey vera! since you mentioned you experience attraction to all sorts of genders, you could be bisexual, pansexual, or some other multigender attraction label. it's completely normal and common to have a light or heavy preference for one gender, despite being attracted to more than one. so it's okay if you like people of all genders, but would prefer to date a girl. i recommend looking into different kinds of attraction (platonic, sexual, romantic, sensual, etc). maybe that could give you some insight into figuring out your identity. i also recommend just taking your time, esp if you're still questioning your gender. you could test out different pronouns online or with your friends to see if any of them feel right. the most important thing is being patient with yourself and taking it slow. figuring yourself out is very hard, so be kind to yourself!

also, you're very young, so i think it's completely normal for you to not be interested in sex at the moment, finding it unappealing etc. however, you could also be asexual or on the asexual spectrum. you should look into different labels under the asexual umbrella and see if any of them resonate. also, some advice steming from personal experience: it's totally okay if you identify as a certain label now, and change your mind later in life. whatever label suits you at the moment, use it! sexuality is fluid, so it's okay to just take it easy. 

Edited January 10, 2023 by peanutbutterstruggles
forgot to add tw

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, merelyvera said:

hi! my name is vera and i could use some help. 

i'm female (biologically, i also don't really know my gender either) and i have tons of male friends. i've had crushes on all sorts of genders in the past, but i don't know if i like guys anymore. i want to like asexually cuddle them and maybe make out but like i'd rather have a girlfriend. i prefer women sexually, but i'm scared to date a girl because i'd have to come out to my parents most likely which i don't want to do. this is bugging me a lot. i also don't really know if sex is anything appealing, i mean it's fun and all i guess but it doesn't seem too interesting. i frankly wish that sex wasn't needed for human reproduction, it's kind of disgusting but the idea of connecting with another person to that point sounds good to me. i just don't know anymore and it's annoying.

i just hope someone can help.

Hey there,

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you're definitely at a point in your life where you have a lot of questions about your identity. I can appreciate that this might be frustrating and annoying for you. We all have a desire to know who we are, and many of us do this by giving ourselves labels to help us create that sense of identity. So, when we are in a period of questioning our identity, it can feel wobbly and unstable. I just want to reassure you that it won't be like this forever; one day, you will have the answers and you will get to where you need to be. What do you think? 

I'm wondering, if you had a friend in the exact same situation who wanted help around questioning, what advice would you give them?

[no one important]

hey everyone, thanks!

yeah, i'll try testing out some pronouns and seeing how it feels. i always love it when my friends call me dude and bro and stuff so like idk. 

i mean, sex is something i have really mixed feelings about. i'll be masturbating one minute (this is super awkward but) and then hating sex the next, it's super annoying. it's caused me a lot of problems in the past- people have done things to me a lot when i was younger, my cousin for 4 years and my stepdad once. i once backed out of something with my ex (yes i'm 14 i was 13 then i turned 14 a month ago but i mean i'm 13 and have a bf what do you expect lol) bc it reminded me of things that happened, like the idea of going the whole way. if i reported any of my abuse it'd only make things worse, so i'm screwed. idk. 

if i had a questioning friend, idk what i'd do. i'd just try to help where i could.

i'm sorry if i didn't reply to everything because i just bought omori for my switch and i'm multitasking so i can play it :)

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I just want you to know that we have sent a message to check in; you can see it by clicking 'Confidential Support' at the top of the page. Take care and speak soon. 

[TinyDinos]

14 hours ago, peanutbutterstruggles said:

hey vera! since you mentioned you experience attraction to all sorts of genders, you could be bisexual, pansexual, or some other multigender attraction label. it's completely normal and common to have a light or heavy preference for one gender, despite being attracted to more than one. so it's okay if you like people of all genders, but would prefer to date a girl. i recommend looking into different kinds of attraction (platonic, sexual, romantic, sensual, etc). maybe that could give you some insight into figuring out your identity. i also recommend just taking your time, esp if you're still questioning your gender. you could test out different pronouns online or with your friends to see if any of them feel right. the most important thing is being patient with yourself and taking it slow. figuring yourself out is very hard, so be kind to yourself!

also, you're very young, so i think it's completely normal for you to not be interested in sex at the moment, finding it unappealing etc. however, you could also be asexual or on the asexual spectrum. you should look into different labels under the asexual umbrella and see if any of them resonate. also, some advice steming from personal experience: it's totally okay if you identify as a certain label now, and change your mind later in life. whatever label suits you at the moment, use it! sexuality is fluid, so it's okay to just take it easy. 

I’m having a similar problem as OP and this is really helpful

[Monsoon]

20 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

I’m having a similar problem as OP and this is really helpful

Hey @TinyDinos

I am glad you found this post really helpful. I just want to check, are you having a problem with your sexuality or did you mean that there is someone who has done things to you like the OP mentioned? Also, if you don't want to say here, that's fine, and you can reach out to us privately by clicking 'Confidential Support' at the top of the page and sending us a message there. 

[TinyDinos]

48 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @TinyDinos

I am glad you found this post really helpful. I just want to check, are you having a problem with your sexuality or did you mean that there is someone who has done things to you like the OP mentioned? Also, if you don't want to say here, that's fine, and you can reach out to us privately by clicking 'Confidential Support' at the top of the page and sending us a message there. 

Mainly with my sexuality. I’ve had sexual assault issues in the past, but no further complications since then.

[no one important]

TinyDinos, just wanna say your pfp is so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeee

ok sorry lol just had to say that

[Monsoon]

9 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Mainly with my sexuality. I’ve had sexual assault issues in the past, but no further complications since then.

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear about the sexual assault issues. I'm wondering, are you safe from the assault now? Your safety is our main concern, and if you're not, it would be helpful for us to know so we can do waht we can to help you. Take care and speak soon. 

[TinyDinos]

9 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear about the sexual assault issues. I'm wondering, are you safe from the assault now? Your safety is our main concern, and if you're not, it would be helpful for us to know so we can do waht we can to help you. Take care and speak soon. 

Yeah. Haven’t seen the person in a few years, it’s just the memories that bother me now.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I'm really sorry to hear about that. I'm really glad you have opened up to us here. When it happens and for some time afterwards, your mind can push everything to the back to protect you and help you get through, and then when you're ready, the memories and feeling start to come back up which is a sign they need to be dealt with. What do you think? I'm just wanting to check, are you safe from this person now?