gender Not sure how I feel about this

[TheToaster765]

For a while, I've kinda identified as Agender meaning I don't really have a gender I guess. I never really thought about my gender for a while and didn't really feel like a man. I mean for a huge part of my life, I was very much TRYING to be a "man" in the sense of being hypermasculine and obviously parts of that still live with me today which I'm trying to break free of. But I didn't actually THINK about my gender until a couple months ago which I first started identifying as a Demiboy which then turned into Agender. But a couple days ago, I put on a skirt. I had already owned the skirt for a couple months when I wanted to try it, and not until recently I actually wore it and looked at myself. When I looked in the mirror, I was suddenly hit with a strange feeling that I had never felt before. Almost like a fuzzy feeling and it felt kind of nice. I was very scared of what that meant and didn't really want to confront it at that moment so I put the skirt away. Today, I put it on again. That same fuzzy feeling came back and my heart started beating fast. It was like the first time I actually LIKED the way I looked and almost didn't even recognize my self. It felt right in a way. I stared at myself for a couple minutes which I had never done longer than like 30 seconds. If I kept staring, I felt like I was gonna go into an existential crisis thinking my entire self image was a lie. I walked around in my skirt and it felt natural almost. I didn't even want to take my skirt off and put my boring jeans back on. I eventually did, but it felt like I had put away a part of myself that I wanted to keep.

What exactly does this mean? I like to think I knew myself pretty well, but I have never felt this feeling before. Almost surreal

[Luie]

11 hours ago, TheToaster765 said:

For a while, I've kinda identified as Agender meaning I don't really have a gender I guess. I never really thought about my gender for a while and didn't really feel like a man. I mean for a huge part of my life, I was very much TRYING to be a "man" in the sense of being hypermasculine and obviously parts of that still live with me today which I'm trying to break free of. But I didn't actually THINK about my gender until a couple months ago which I first started identifying as a Demiboy which then turned into Agender. But a couple days ago, I put on a skirt. I had already owned the skirt for a couple months when I wanted to try it, and not until recently I actually wore it and looked at myself. When I looked in the mirror, I was suddenly hit with a strange feeling that I had never felt before. Almost like a fuzzy feeling and it felt kind of nice. I was very scared of what that meant and didn't really want to confront it at that moment so I put the skirt away. Today, I put it on again. That same fuzzy feeling came back and my heart started beating fast. It was like the first time I actually LIKED the way I looked and almost didn't even recognize my self. It felt right in a way. I stared at myself for a couple minutes which I had never done longer than like 30 seconds. If I kept staring, I felt like I was gonna go into an existential crisis thinking my entire self image was a lie. I walked around in my skirt and it felt natural almost. I didn't even want to take my skirt off and put my boring jeans back on. I eventually did, but it felt like I had put away a part of myself that I wanted to keep.

What exactly does this mean? I like to think I knew myself pretty well, but I have never felt this feeling before. Almost surreal

 

Heyy @TheToaster765, nice to have you active on community again.

It sounds to me like you're going through a really meaningful journey of self-discovery, and it's completely normal to have these kinds of revelations and feelings as you explore your identity. First off, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to share these feelings. It's not easy to confront and navigate these aspects of ourselves, especially when they might challenge the ideas we've held onto for so long. Identifying as agender can be a profound realization, and it's totally okay if it takes time to fully understand what that means for you. It's a term that signifies not feeling a connection to any particular gender, and it's entirely valid. It's also common for our understanding of our gender to evolve over time, as it seems to have for you from identifying as a demiboy to now exploring agender identity.

The experience you described with wearing the skirt sound to me like a significant moment of connection with yourself. That fuzzy feeling, that sense of rightness, is something many people describe when they find something that aligns with their true identity. It's like a glimpse into a part of yourself you might not have fully recognized before. And it's absolutely okay to feel a bit overwhelmed by it. Change, especially in how we see ourselves, can be both exhilarating and scary. What this means is that you're exploring and discovering more about who you are, beyond the constraints of what society might expect. It's about embracing what feels right for you, regardless of norms or expectations. It's about honoring your authentic self.

It's a lot to process I am sure, so just checking how are you feeling after reflecting on all of this?

 

[TheToaster765]

Thank you very much for letting me know that this isn't a unique experience and others have described this feeling before.

But it is quite difficult reflecting on this and try to navigate through who exactly I am. Like I said before, I'm pretty sure about other aspects of my identity like sexuality, but gender has always been a bit difficult especially with a lot of my life being spent on trying to be something which I am not. Always felt like something was wrong or that I wasn't who I was. But this was my entire life essentially so I didn't really want to try and confront it in fear of my entire worldview and self image crumbling. I've since looked at a bit of trans posts on social media and ngl some of those posts were a bit relatable. That's a bit scary to be honest. I mean I'm not against being trans or anything, but I don't think anybody wants to be trans. Something like this would probably take people months or years to figure out, but unfortunately for me I tend to want to figure it all out immediately.

I'm not even sure if I want to hold off on this and put it away for a while, or if I should try and confront it.

[Luie]

20 hours ago, TheToaster765 said:

Thank you very much for letting me know that this isn't a unique experience and others have described this feeling before.

But it is quite difficult reflecting on this and try to navigate through who exactly I am. Like I said before, I'm pretty sure about other aspects of my identity like sexuality, but gender has always been a bit difficult especially with a lot of my life being spent on trying to be something which I am not. Always felt like something was wrong or that I wasn't who I was. But this was my entire life essentially so I didn't really want to try and confront it in fear of my entire worldview and self image crumbling. I've since looked at a bit of trans posts on social media and ngl some of those posts were a bit relatable. That's a bit scary to be honest. I mean I'm not against being trans or anything, but I don't think anybody wants to be trans. Something like this would probably take people months or years to figure out, but unfortunately for me I tend to want to figure it all out immediately.

I'm not even sure if I want to hold off on this and put it away for a while, or if I should try and confront it.

 

It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed when reflecting on your identity , especially when it's an area that's been complex and challenging for you. Gender exploration can be a daunting journey, but it's also incredibly brave of you to start confronting these feelings and thoughts, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing it with me here on the platform. 

I hear you, when things feel off it can be incredibly disorienting , especially when it's been a part of your life for so long. It's like questioning the very foundation of how you see yourself and the world around you, and that can be scary, which is completely normal. And like I mentioned previously that you're not alone in this. Many people have navigated similar paths, and finding relatable experiences in trans posts can be a comforting reminder that others have gone through similar struggles. Would you like to talk more about those relatable trans posts you mentioned?

And hey, it's totally okay to feel scared about the possibility of being trans or having your worldview shift. Change, especially in something as fundamental as identity, can be unsettling. And it's okay to take your time with this process. There's no rush to figure everything out immediately. I would recommend that you give yourself the space and time you need to explore these feelings at your own pace. I am wondering though, would you like to talk more about what confronting this might look like for you? Or would you prefer to take some time to process your thoughts and feelings before diving deeper into it?

Here for you either way, we'll navigate this together! 

 

[TheToaster765]

When it comes to relatable posts, it's more so learning that occasionally wanting to be a woman is apparently not very "normal" for an AMAB. There was even a comment talking about the button test where if there was a button that would change my gender, would I press it? And ngl, I'd probably press it. After I was done wearing the skirt for the first time, I tried downloading apps that would change my gender using AI or whatever. I unfortunately couldn't.

And as far as confronting it, I don't really have any "feminine" things other than nail polish and a skirt. So obviously there isn't much for me to explore as far as looks goes. I think confronting this would be more about figuring out if some of this is normal or what exactly it means.

But I do thank you for supporting me and having me know I'm not alone in this.

[Luie]

On 5/13/2024 at 2:58 PM, TheToaster765 said:

When it comes to relatable posts, it's more so learning that occasionally wanting to be a woman is apparently not very "normal" for an AMAB. There was even a comment talking about the button test where if there was a button that would change my gender, would I press it? And ngl, I'd probably press it. After I was done wearing the skirt for the first time, I tried downloading apps that would change my gender using AI or whatever. I unfortunately couldn't.

And as far as confronting it, I don't really have any "feminine" things other than nail polish and a skirt. So obviously there isn't much for me to explore as far as looks goes. I think confronting this would be more about figuring out if some of this is normal or what exactly it means.

But I do thank you for supporting me and having me know I'm not alone in this.

 

It sounds like you're really diving deep into understanding these feelings and experiences, and that takes a lot of courage @TheToaster765. The feelings you're describing, like occasionally wanting to be a woman or imagining pressing a button to change your gender, are experiences that many AMAB individuals have shared. It can feel confusing and even unsettling, but it's important to remember that these feelings are valid and part of your unique journey. Also, using apps to see yourself with a different gender presentation is a very common way people explore their gender identity. Even if the technology isn’t perfect, it’s a sign that you're curious and open to understanding yourself more fully. The fact that you’re drawn to these explorations suggests that there’s something meaningful in this for you. 

When it comes to confronting these feelings, it doesn't necessarily have to be about having lots of feminine things. It's more about giving yourself permission to explore these aspects of your identity in ways that feel comfortable and accessible to you. Nail polish and a skirt are a great start, but you can also explore through reading, joining supportive online communities (DTL is one example), or even just reflecting on your feelings via journaling if you'd like. I was wondering how did it feel when you saw those posts and tried imagining yourself as a woman? Did it bring up any particular thoughts or emotions?

Another thing I was thinking about which could perhaps be helpful is to find small, manageable ways to continue this exploration in your daily life, do you think that's something you'd like to try? For example, trying out more clothing items, makeup, or even experimenting with different pronouns or names in safe spaces?

I'm here to support you through this journey, and remember, there’s no rush. It's perfectly okay to take things one step at a time 

 

[TheToaster765]

Well since I made this post, I not long after realized that I'm a trans woman and have changed my pronouns and name. I told a few of my friends and they seem to support me. I obviously don't plan on coming out to my parents or anything in fear that they won't support it, or that they will see me differently in a negative way. Nor will I be able to present feminine due to the current place I live in isn't exactly the most supporting. That's also why I don't use my preferred name in public.

But I did learn that a lot of my depression and insecurities was actually just because I thought I was a man, and learning more about myself did help with that so I'd say that's a plus.

[Luie]

On 5/19/2024 at 1:13 PM, TheToaster765 said:

Well since I made this post, I not long after realized that I'm a trans woman and have changed my pronouns and name. I told a few of my friends and they seem to support me. I obviously don't plan on coming out to my parents or anything in fear that they won't support it, or that they will see me differently in a negative way. Nor will I be able to present feminine due to the current place I live in isn't exactly the most supporting. That's also why I don't use my preferred name in public.

But I did learn that a lot of my depression and insecurities was actually just because I thought I was a man, and learning more about myself did help with that so I'd say that's a plus.

 

Heyy @TheToaster765, I’m really grateful that you’ve shared this huge update with me. Realizing that you’re a trans woman is a significant and deeply personal step in your journey, and I’m so glad to hear that your friends are supportive. It’s understandable to have concerns about coming out to your parents and the challenges of presenting as your true self in a less supportive environment. It takes a lot of strength to navigate these complexities, and I want you to know that I’m here for you every step of the way.

It’s also really powerful that you’ve noticed how this realization has brought some clarity to your experiences with depression and insecurities. It sounds to me like understanding yourself better has brought a sense of relief, even if there are still some tough situations to face. I am wondering how have you been feeling since this realization? And if you’d like to talk more about your next steps or how you’re managing these feelings with your parents and living situation, I’m here to think out loud about that too. 

 

[TheToaster765]

Tbh, I both feel good, and bad about it. Good because I know more about myself and can hopefully live the life I want, but bad because doing so requires lots of work and therapy. I'm not even in regular therapy due to reasons and honestly I don't really plan on it. But hopefully I can get gender therapy. There are ways to get HRT quickly with Planned Parenthood, but I wouldn't be able to do that as I live with my guardians and don't have a car nor do I even know how to drive. I do plan on going to college pretty soon though so I might just quietly transition there over time. I would just need a job in order to get enough money to buy clothes and stuff.

I did join a LGBTQ+ discord server about a month after this original post and they have been a lot of support and a sense of community. They've given me a bit of advice as well which I will take to heart of course. I'm not the kind of person to talk about my problems, but the little I have shared, I've been given support. Even made a few friends who understand a little what I'm going through.

I have thought about coming out multiple times to my grandpa, but I just haven't found the right time nor courage to do so yet. Not sure if I ever will either. That's why I said earlier I plan on transitioning quietly in college at least as much as I can. So far, I've just been growing out my hair and shaving my face. But I do have a fashion style I want to emulate as far as clothes go. But again that costs money which I don't have

I just have to remember that this stuff takes time and I need to have patience of course.

[Luie]

14 hours ago, TheToaster765 said:

Tbh, I both feel good, and bad about it. Good because I know more about myself and can hopefully live the life I want, but bad because doing so requires lots of work and therapy. I'm not even in regular therapy due to reasons and honestly I don't really plan on it. But hopefully I can get gender therapy. There are ways to get HRT quickly with Planned Parenthood, but I wouldn't be able to do that as I live with my guardians and don't have a car nor do I even know how to drive. I do plan on going to college pretty soon though so I might just quietly transition there over time. I would just need a job in order to get enough money to buy clothes and stuff.

I did join a LGBTQ+ discord server about a month after this original post and they have been a lot of support and a sense of community. They've given me a bit of advice as well which I will take to heart of course. I'm not the kind of person to talk about my problems, but the little I have shared, I've been given support. Even made a few friends who understand a little what I'm going through.

I have thought about coming out multiple times to my grandpa, but I just haven't found the right time nor courage to do so yet. Not sure if I ever will either. That's why I said earlier I plan on transitioning quietly in college at least as much as I can. So far, I've just been growing out my hair and shaving my face. But I do have a fashion style I want to emulate as far as clothes go. But again that costs money which I don't have

I just have to remember that this stuff takes time and I need to have patience of course.

 

Heyy @TheToaster765, I can really feel the mix of emotions you’re experiencing right now, and it makes a lot of sense. Discovering more about who you are is incredibly empowering, but I hear you on the challenges that come with it. It’s a big journey with lots of steps, and it’s okay to feel both good and bad about it.

It’s great that you’ve found support in an LGBTQ+ community online and that you’ve connected with people who understand what you’re going through. Having that sense of community can make a huge difference, especially when you’re not able to fully express yourself at home. It’s really inspiring that you’re finding ways to move forward, like planning for college and thinking about transitioning quietly there. It shows a lot of strength and resilience. And as always DTL community is here as well for that additional support whenever you need it. 

Also, I do understand that therapy can feel like a big step, especially if you’re not in regular therapy now, but gender therapy could be really helpful in navigating this journey. Even though you’re facing obstacles like living with your guardians and not having access to transportation, it’s clear that you’re determined to find a path that works for you. College could be a fresh start, and it sounds like you’re already thinking about ways to make that transition.

I can see that you’ve put a lot of thought into coming out to your grandpa, and I completely understand that finding the right time and courage for something like that is really tough. It’s okay if you need more time or if you decide to wait until you’re more independent. You’re absolutely right this journey takes time, and having patience with yourself is so important. Also, I know you're already aware of it, but just wanted to touch on safety again, is there any concerns around that with others that you're thinking of sharing with?

We're here and can work through any challenges together, one step at a time.

 

[TheToaster765]

I don't really have that many concerns with safety thankfully. I'm aware that the place I live isn't the MOST accepting, but it's more so quietly homophobic. Like the people here might not fully accept it, but you'll never know that and I doubt I'll ever get hatecrimed or anything like that. I do want to eventually move somewhere else though just to be a bit more accepted and able to transition FULLY. But again that takes time and probably won't happen for years. I just gotta be patient.

[Luie]

15 hours ago, TheToaster765 said:

I don't really have that many concerns with safety thankfully. I'm aware that the place I live isn't the MOST accepting, but it's more so quietly homophobic. Like the people here might not fully accept it, but you'll never know that and I doubt I'll ever get hatecrimed or anything like that. I do want to eventually move somewhere else though just to be a bit more accepted and able to transition FULLY. But again that takes time and probably won't happen for years. I just gotta be patient.

 

Heyy @TheToaster765, I’m really glad to hear that safety isn’t a huge concern where you are, even if the environment isn’t the most accepting. It’s a relief to know that you don’t feel at risk, though I completely understand wanting to move somewhere more welcoming in the future. It’s tough having to navigate an environment where acceptance feels uncertain, even if it’s not overtly hostile. It sounds to me like you’ve got a solid perspective on the situation, knowing that it will take time and having the patience to see it through. It’s completely valid to want to be in a place where you can fully express yourself and transition without feeling like you have to hide any part of who you are.

When you think about eventually moving somewhere more accepting, do you have any specific places in mind, or is it more about the idea of finding a supportive community? And in the meantime, are there any small steps or things you’d like to focus on that could help make where you are feel a bit more comfortable?

 

[TheToaster765]

Im not really planning anywhere specific really, just somewhere a bit more accepting. And in the meantime, I'm just focusing on small things like growing out my hair, shaving, and changing my personality a bit (to be a little more like my true self). Stuff that I can do that doesn't "out" me as trans I guess. I do still own a skirt that I can wear at home, but I've kinda fallen out of that and its not really the style I want to go for really. But it's something that I can always try if I'm feeling especially down or whatever at least.

[Luie]

11 hours ago, TheToaster765 said:

Im not really planning anywhere specific really, just somewhere a bit more accepting. And in the meantime, I'm just focusing on small things like growing out my hair, shaving, and changing my personality a bit (to be a little more like my true self). Stuff that I can do that doesn't "out" me as trans I guess. I do still own a skirt that I can wear at home, but I've kinda fallen out of that and its not really the style I want to go for really. But it's something that I can always try if I'm feeling especially down or whatever at least.

 

It sounds like you’re taking really thoughtful steps toward living more authentically, and that’s incredibly important, even if they seem small right now @TheToaster765. Focusing on things like growing out your hair, shaving, and slowly letting your true personality shine through are all meaningful ways to connect with who you are, especially when you’re in a place where you have to be cautious about expressing your full self. It’s a gradual process, and it’s great that you’re allowing yourself to make those changes in ways that feel safe for you.

It’s also completely okay that your style is evolving and that you’re not as into wearing the skirt anymore. Personal style is such a fluid thing, and it’s all about what makes you feel comfortable and true to yourself at any given time. It’s good that you still have it as an option for when you need a little boost or a way to connect with that part of yourself.

I’m curious, as you think about changing your personality to reflect more of your true self, what are some of the qualities or aspects of your personality that you’re looking to bring forward? And if there are any other small changes you’re considering, I’d love to hear about those too. 

 

[TheToaster765]

Honestly I'm trying to be a little bit nicer and less bantery than I usually am, along with breaking down those toxic masculinity traits that I still deal with since childhood. Less about trying to be dominant and egotistical. I actually want to support other people and show them kindness, instead of teasing them or making banter. Not even in real life, but also online too as my online persona has honestly been quite mean. I want it to actually reflect at least some of my true self instead of defaulting to the side remarks I usually do.

[Luie]

1 hour ago, TheToaster765 said:

Honestly I'm trying to be a little bit nicer and less bantery than I usually am, along with breaking down those toxic masculinity traits that I still deal with since childhood. Less about trying to be dominant and egotistical. I actually want to support other people and show them kindness, instead of teasing them or making banter. Not even in real life, but also online too as my online persona has honestly been quite mean. I want it to actually reflect at least some of my true self instead of defaulting to the side remarks I usually do.

 

It’s really powerful that you’re working on being kinder and breaking away from those toxic masculinity traits @TheToaster765, it shows a lot of self-awareness and a genuine desire to grow. It’s not easy to unlearn behaviours that have been with us since childhood, especially when they’ve been reinforced by society in so many ways. But it sounds like you’re making some real strides toward being the person you truly want to be, both online and in real life.

I think it’s great that you want your online persona to reflect more of your true self. The internet can make it easy to fall into patterns that don’t always align with who we really are, so consciously shifting that is a big step. Being supportive and kind, both to yourself and others, is such a positive change, and I’m sure the people around you will really appreciate it, even if it takes a little time for you to fully feel comfortable in this new way of being.

I am wondering, have you noticed any changes in how you feel about yourself or your interactions with others since you’ve started making these shifts? And are there any specific things you’re doing or planning to do to help reinforce these changes as you move forward?