Jump to content

Not sure how I feel about this


TheToaster765    

Recommended Posts

For a while, I've kinda identified as Agender meaning I don't really have a gender I guess. I never really thought about my gender for a while and didn't really feel like a man. I mean for a huge part of my life, I was very much TRYING to be a "man" in the sense of being hypermasculine and obviously parts of that still live with me today which I'm trying to break free of. But I didn't actually THINK about my gender until a couple months ago which I first started identifying as a Demiboy which then turned into Agender. But a couple days ago, I put on a skirt. I had already owned the skirt for a couple months when I wanted to try it, and not until recently I actually wore it and looked at myself. When I looked in the mirror, I was suddenly hit with a strange feeling that I had never felt before. Almost like a fuzzy feeling and it felt kind of nice. I was very scared of what that meant and didn't really want to confront it at that moment so I put the skirt away. Today, I put it on again. That same fuzzy feeling came back and my heart started beating fast. It was like the first time I actually LIKED the way I looked and almost didn't even recognize my self. It felt right in a way. I stared at myself for a couple minutes which I had never done longer than like 30 seconds. If I kept staring, I felt like I was gonna go into an existential crisis thinking my entire self image was a lie. I walked around in my skirt and it felt natural almost. I didn't even want to take my skirt off and put my boring jeans back on. I eventually did, but it felt like I had put away a part of myself that I wanted to keep.

What exactly does this mean? I like to think I knew myself pretty well, but I have never felt this feeling before. Almost surreal

  • Hug 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
11 hours ago, TheToaster765 said:

For a while, I've kinda identified as Agender meaning I don't really have a gender I guess. I never really thought about my gender for a while and didn't really feel like a man. I mean for a huge part of my life, I was very much TRYING to be a "man" in the sense of being hypermasculine and obviously parts of that still live with me today which I'm trying to break free of. But I didn't actually THINK about my gender until a couple months ago which I first started identifying as a Demiboy which then turned into Agender. But a couple days ago, I put on a skirt. I had already owned the skirt for a couple months when I wanted to try it, and not until recently I actually wore it and looked at myself. When I looked in the mirror, I was suddenly hit with a strange feeling that I had never felt before. Almost like a fuzzy feeling and it felt kind of nice. I was very scared of what that meant and didn't really want to confront it at that moment so I put the skirt away. Today, I put it on again. That same fuzzy feeling came back and my heart started beating fast. It was like the first time I actually LIKED the way I looked and almost didn't even recognize my self. It felt right in a way. I stared at myself for a couple minutes which I had never done longer than like 30 seconds. If I kept staring, I felt like I was gonna go into an existential crisis thinking my entire self image was a lie. I walked around in my skirt and it felt natural almost. I didn't even want to take my skirt off and put my boring jeans back on. I eventually did, but it felt like I had put away a part of myself that I wanted to keep.

What exactly does this mean? I like to think I knew myself pretty well, but I have never felt this feeling before. Almost surreal

 

Heyy @TheToaster765, nice to have you active on community again.

It sounds to me like you're going through a really meaningful journey of self-discovery, and it's completely normal to have these kinds of revelations and feelings as you explore your identity. First off, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to share these feelings. It's not easy to confront and navigate these aspects of ourselves, especially when they might challenge the ideas we've held onto for so long. Identifying as agender can be a profound realization, and it's totally okay if it takes time to fully understand what that means for you. It's a term that signifies not feeling a connection to any particular gender, and it's entirely valid. It's also common for our understanding of our gender to evolve over time, as it seems to have for you from identifying as a demiboy to now exploring agender identity.

The experience you described with wearing the skirt sound to me like a significant moment of connection with yourself. That fuzzy feeling, that sense of rightness, is something many people describe when they find something that aligns with their true identity. It's like a glimpse into a part of yourself you might not have fully recognized before. And it's absolutely okay to feel a bit overwhelmed by it. Change, especially in how we see ourselves, can be both exhilarating and scary. What this means is that you're exploring and discovering more about who you are, beyond the constraints of what society might expect. It's about embracing what feels right for you, regardless of norms or expectations. It's about honoring your authentic self.

It's a lot to process I am sure, so just checking how are you feeling after reflecting on all of this?

 

Staff-Account.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you very much for letting me know that this isn't a unique experience and others have described this feeling before.

But it is quite difficult reflecting on this and try to navigate through who exactly I am. Like I said before, I'm pretty sure about other aspects of my identity like sexuality, but gender has always been a bit difficult especially with a lot of my life being spent on trying to be something which I am not. Always felt like something was wrong or that I wasn't who I was. But this was my entire life essentially so I didn't really want to try and confront it in fear of my entire worldview and self image crumbling. I've since looked at a bit of trans posts on social media and ngl some of those posts were a bit relatable. That's a bit scary to be honest. I mean I'm not against being trans or anything, but I don't think anybody wants to be trans. Something like this would probably take people months or years to figure out, but unfortunately for me I tend to want to figure it all out immediately.

I'm not even sure if I want to hold off on this and put it away for a while, or if I should try and confront it.

  • Hug 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
20 hours ago, TheToaster765 said:

Thank you very much for letting me know that this isn't a unique experience and others have described this feeling before.

But it is quite difficult reflecting on this and try to navigate through who exactly I am. Like I said before, I'm pretty sure about other aspects of my identity like sexuality, but gender has always been a bit difficult especially with a lot of my life being spent on trying to be something which I am not. Always felt like something was wrong or that I wasn't who I was. But this was my entire life essentially so I didn't really want to try and confront it in fear of my entire worldview and self image crumbling. I've since looked at a bit of trans posts on social media and ngl some of those posts were a bit relatable. That's a bit scary to be honest. I mean I'm not against being trans or anything, but I don't think anybody wants to be trans. Something like this would probably take people months or years to figure out, but unfortunately for me I tend to want to figure it all out immediately.

I'm not even sure if I want to hold off on this and put it away for a while, or if I should try and confront it.

 

It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed when reflecting on your identity , especially when it's an area that's been complex and challenging for you. Gender exploration can be a daunting journey, but it's also incredibly brave of you to start confronting these feelings and thoughts, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing it with me here on the platform. 

I hear you, when things feel off it can be incredibly disorienting , especially when it's been a part of your life for so long. It's like questioning the very foundation of how you see yourself and the world around you, and that can be scary, which is completely normal. And like I mentioned previously that you're not alone in this. Many people have navigated similar paths, and finding relatable experiences in trans posts can be a comforting reminder that others have gone through similar struggles. Would you like to talk more about those relatable trans posts you mentioned?

And hey, it's totally okay to feel scared about the possibility of being trans or having your worldview shift. Change, especially in something as fundamental as identity, can be unsettling. And it's okay to take your time with this process. There's no rush to figure everything out immediately. I would recommend that you give yourself the space and time you need to explore these feelings at your own pace. I am wondering though, would you like to talk more about what confronting this might look like for you? Or would you prefer to take some time to process your thoughts and feelings before diving deeper into it?

Here for you either way, we'll navigate this together! 

 

  • Like 1

Staff-Account.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When it comes to relatable posts, it's more so learning that occasionally wanting to be a woman is apparently not very "normal" for an AMAB. There was even a comment talking about the button test where if there was a button that would change my gender, would I press it? And ngl, I'd probably press it. After I was done wearing the skirt for the first time, I tried downloading apps that would change my gender using AI or whatever. I unfortunately couldn't.

And as far as confronting it, I don't really have any "feminine" things other than nail polish and a skirt. So obviously there isn't much for me to explore as far as looks goes. I think confronting this would be more about figuring out if some of this is normal or what exactly it means.

But I do thank you for supporting me and having me know I'm not alone in this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
On 5/13/2024 at 2:58 PM, TheToaster765 said:

When it comes to relatable posts, it's more so learning that occasionally wanting to be a woman is apparently not very "normal" for an AMAB. There was even a comment talking about the button test where if there was a button that would change my gender, would I press it? And ngl, I'd probably press it. After I was done wearing the skirt for the first time, I tried downloading apps that would change my gender using AI or whatever. I unfortunately couldn't.

And as far as confronting it, I don't really have any "feminine" things other than nail polish and a skirt. So obviously there isn't much for me to explore as far as looks goes. I think confronting this would be more about figuring out if some of this is normal or what exactly it means.

But I do thank you for supporting me and having me know I'm not alone in this.

 

It sounds like you're really diving deep into understanding these feelings and experiences, and that takes a lot of courage @TheToaster765. The feelings you're describing, like occasionally wanting to be a woman or imagining pressing a button to change your gender, are experiences that many AMAB individuals have shared. It can feel confusing and even unsettling, but it's important to remember that these feelings are valid and part of your unique journey. Also, using apps to see yourself with a different gender presentation is a very common way people explore their gender identity. Even if the technology isn’t perfect, it’s a sign that you're curious and open to understanding yourself more fully. The fact that you’re drawn to these explorations suggests that there’s something meaningful in this for you. 

When it comes to confronting these feelings, it doesn't necessarily have to be about having lots of feminine things. It's more about giving yourself permission to explore these aspects of your identity in ways that feel comfortable and accessible to you. Nail polish and a skirt are a great start, but you can also explore through reading, joining supportive online communities (DTL is one example), or even just reflecting on your feelings via journaling if you'd like. I was wondering how did it feel when you saw those posts and tried imagining yourself as a woman? Did it bring up any particular thoughts or emotions?

Another thing I was thinking about which could perhaps be helpful is to find small, manageable ways to continue this exploration in your daily life, do you think that's something you'd like to try? For example, trying out more clothing items, makeup, or even experimenting with different pronouns or names in safe spaces?

I'm here to support you through this journey, and remember, there’s no rush. It's perfectly okay to take things one step at a time 🙂

 

  • Like 1

Staff-Account.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well since I made this post, I not long after realized that I'm a trans woman and have changed my pronouns and name. I told a few of my friends and they seem to support me. I obviously don't plan on coming out to my parents or anything in fear that they won't support it, or that they will see me differently in a negative way. Nor will I be able to present feminine due to the current place I live in isn't exactly the most supporting. That's also why I don't use my preferred name in public.

But I did learn that a lot of my depression and insecurities was actually just because I thought I was a man, and learning more about myself did help with that so I'd say that's a plus.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Unfortunately, your content contains terms that we do not allow. Please edit your content to remove the highlighted words below.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...