Questioning my sexuality and would love some help

[Kylie H]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time on this website, I love the environment here.

I'll start of by saying that english isn't my first language, so there might be some grammar mistakes here. Sorry, this might be too long to read.

I am 18 years old. I identify as a woman with she/her pronouns. I think I might be somewhere on the lgbtq+ spectrum. I would really like some help.

In the past, it has never crossed my mind that I could be anything other than heterosexual. I'd like to add that I come from a really homophobic country and not the most supportive family. I first started questioning my sexuality about 3 years ago when I met and became good friends with this one girl. I found her beautiful inside and out. This friendship with her felt different than any other friendship I had had with a woman before. (She is straight so I never pursued anything and was respectful of the relationships she was in during our friendship). Firstly, I would often feel kind of hurt and I think jealous whenever she would start talking to/dating a guy. For some reason I liked her better single. Secondly, she was a really  touchy person. We would often hug and hold hands, which I really enjoyed doing with her.  I loved having her close to me. I once got her flowers on valentine's day because her boyfriend left her. However, I'm not sure if that was me crushing on or just really liking her as a friend. I often struggle differentiating romantic and platonic feelings.

After this experience, I started digging deeper and found out online about compulsory heterosexuality. I grew up seeing barely any lgbtq+ representation around and was only educated in this topic by homophobic people spreading hate and lies. So I think, comphet could be the case here.

Recently it clicked to me that I have been s#xually attracted to women since I was a child. Though, I fear that I might be wrong. I had never had any real s#xual experience with anyone of any gender. Though, I would occasionally watch adult content online when I was younger.  i'd say based only on my experience watching adult content, I am 80% into women and 20% or less into men. But I'm not sure if that really means anything.

I have never been in a relationship with anyone, so I often think that maybe I am just really lonely and not actually queer. My crushes were mostly men. I've always been an insecure individual that craves male validation and wants to be loved. I've also stated previously that I struggle differentiating platonic and romantic feelings for someone. So I'm not even sure now if I'm interested or just want attention from men. I have never gotten any romantic attention from anyone. My parents were divorced and pretty toxic so I don't think I even know what love looks or feels like.

Another thing is that, I feel kind of scared to start flirting with or dating girls now. I don't feel gay enough, because of how late I had come to this realisation. What if I'm just straight?

I have recently  told some of my friends about all of this. They were saying that I might be bisexual.

Sorry, if it's too long of a read. I would really appreciate if someone replied with their opinion about this. Feel free to educate me on anything that I was wrong about. Thank you for your time. I just want to get to know myself better. Have a nice day/evening.

Love, Kylie

[Aurora]

8 hours ago, Kylie H said:

Hello everyone,

This is my first time on this website, I love the environment here.

I'll start of by saying that english isn't my first language, so there might be some grammar mistakes here. Sorry, this might be too long to read.

I am 18 years old. I identify as a woman with she/her pronouns. I think I might be somewhere on the lgbtq+ spectrum. I would really like some help.

In the past, it has never crossed my mind that I could be anything other than heterosexual. I'd like to add that I come from a really homophobic country and not the most supportive family. I first started questioning my sexuality about 3 years ago when I met and became good friends with this one girl. I found her beautiful inside and out. This friendship with her felt different than any other friendship I had had with a woman before. (She is straight so I never pursued anything and was respectful of the relationships she was in during our friendship). Firstly, I would often feel kind of hurt and I think jealous whenever she would start talking to/dating a guy. For some reason I liked her better single. Secondly, she was a really  touchy person. We would often hug and hold hands, which I really enjoyed doing with her.  I loved having her close to me. I once got her flowers on valentine's day because her boyfriend left her. However, I'm not sure if that was me crushing on or just really liking her as a friend. I often struggle differentiating romantic and platonic feelings.

After this experience, I started digging deeper and found out online about compulsory heterosexuality. I grew up seeing barely any lgbtq+ representation around and was only educated in this topic by homophobic people spreading hate and lies. So I think, comphet could be the case here.

Recently it clicked to me that I have been s#xually attracted to women since I was a child. Though, I fear that I might be wrong. I had never had any real s#xual experience with anyone of any gender. Though, I would occasionally watch adult content online when I was younger.  i'd say based only on my experience watching adult content, I am 80% into women and 20% or less into men. But I'm not sure if that really means anything.

I have never been in a relationship with anyone, so I often think that maybe I am just really lonely and not actually queer. My crushes were mostly men. I've always been an insecure individual that craves male validation and wants to be loved. I've also stated previously that I struggle differentiating platonic and romantic feelings for someone. So I'm not even sure now if I'm interested or just want attention from men. I have never gotten any romantic attention from anyone. My parents were divorced and pretty toxic so I don't think I even know what love looks or feels like.

Another thing is that, I feel kind of scared to start flirting with or dating girls now. I don't feel gay enough, because of how late I had come to this realisation. What if I'm just straight?

I have recently  told some of my friends about all of this. They were saying that I might be bisexual.

Sorry, if it's too long of a read. I would really appreciate if someone replied with their opinion about this. Feel free to educate me on anything that I was wrong about. Thank you for your time. I just want to get to know myself better. Have a nice day/evening.

Love, Kylie

Hi Kylie, 

Welcome to Ditch the Label. It's lovely to meet you. I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentor here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. Thank you so much for getting in touch. This is a really welcoming and safe space and there are lots of others here who have also been questioning their sexuality just like you.

Please don't worry about writing too much. You can write as much or as little as you like. You're really good at explaining things and it's been helpful to get a lot of detail as it gives me a good idea of what's been going on for you. 

It sounds like you’re still exploring your sexuality at the moment and that's great. It might not feel like this right now but getting to know ourselves and figuring out who we are, can be really exciting. I would imagine that growing up in a homophobic country makes it more complicated though. When we've grown up, believing one thing and we then start to realise that we don't fit in with what everyone else around us seems to believe it will take time for us to feel comfortable within ourselves and to accept ourself for who we truly are! Do you mind me asking, how does the thought that you might not be heterosexual make you feel? 

My suggestion for the moment is that you don’t put any pressure on yourself to have an answer straight away. Usually with time and experience things will become clearer. Maybe you could try to trust how you are feeling and allow that to lead. How does that sound? 

You mentioned that you have spoken to some of your friends about it. It sounds to me like they are being quite supportive. Is that right? 

I hope you have a nice day/evening too.