-Japsapers- Posted July 27, 2022 Share Posted July 27, 2022 About ten months ago, I was diagnosed (unofficially) with depression and anxiety all of a sudden. It felt like my life was a spider web, and I kept getting tangled up in it. I was sent to doctors and therapists, but deep down I knew it wasn't helping. However, I've realized that there is a pattern to my mental state: I will be fine for up to a month or so, but then one day/night I will have a sudden anxiety attack. Along with my depression coming back in full swing. But I have learned to hide these things, appearing perfectly fine to those around me. I felt that it was easier not to worry people, because I didn't want my problems to become other people's problems. But keeping my emotions on lockdown almost drove me crazy. I slept less, nearly destroyed my eating schedule, wanted nothing to do with other human beings, and when people tried to talk to me, I would just snap. I felt horrible, but I also felt like I deserved this. Some messed up part of me kept me miserable. But then one day, everything was just...gone. I felt fine, and I couldn't tell if I was depressed anymore. I assumed all was well and carried on with life. But five months later, the same things started happening, but worse. It felt like there was a terrible weighing feeling in my heart, and it didn't go away. I got no sleep at all, only to be awoken by horrible thoughts and nightmares. But of course, no one knew this. I became so accustomed to acting normal that my emotions just disappeared, and I couldn't tell the difference between sad and happy. But the same thing followed - I woke up two weeks later, and everything was fine. Every few months or so, these things keep happening, but worse each time. This has happened at least three times already, and it doesn't seem like it will stop. However, this isn't completely without cause. In July of 2021, I started questioning my sexuality and gender. It was so confusing, and I felt like nothing fit. I spent a whole year and several months trying to figure out 'what I was', while dealing with my mental issues. I have figured out what I am and come to terms with that, but nothing feels right. No one around me will hear a word I have to say, and I am forced to be this normal girl with no personality. Names and pronouns are used as weapons against me, and everyone attacked me when I cut my hair short a while back. I am letting it grow out again - I am tired of my family sneering at me. Kids and adults calling me nasty things in public. I'm just so. . .tired of not wanting to fit in, wanting to fit it, trying to fit in, and getting nowhere. I don't have anyone to say this to, because I'm just afraid of what they will say. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it. I can't look in a mirror without getting angry at myself because I'm not as slim or as pretty or as nice as I should be. As I WANT to be. My whole crisis has ruined those around me, and I am doing as much damage to people as I am doing to myself. I try. I am trying. I don't want to die yet...that's what I keep telling myself. But do I? I don't know. I can't fix me. Or this mess. I need to stay strong, but I am cracking. How do I get out of this?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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