Jump to content

This is just a really big mess


-Asher-
 Share

Recommended Posts

About ten months ago, I was diagnosed (unofficially) with depression and anxiety all of a sudden.  It felt like my life was a spider web, and I kept getting tangled up in it. I was sent to doctors and therapists, but deep down I knew it wasn't helping. However, I've realized that there is a pattern to my mental state: I will be fine for up to a month or so, but then one day/night I will have a sudden anxiety attack. Along with my depression coming back in full swing.  But I have learned to hide these things, appearing perfectly fine to those around me. I felt that it was easier not to worry people, because I didn't want my problems to become other people's problems. But keeping my emotions on lockdown almost drove me crazy. I slept less, nearly destroyed my eating schedule, wanted nothing to do with other human beings, and when people tried to talk to me, I would just snap. I felt horrible, but I also felt like I deserved this. Some messed up part of me kept me miserable.  But then one day, everything was just...gone. I felt fine, and I couldn't tell if I was depressed anymore. I assumed all was well and carried on with life. But five months later, the same things started happening, but worse. It felt like there was a terrible weighing feeling in my heart, and it didn't go away. I got no sleep at all, only to be awoken by horrible thoughts and nightmares. But of course, no one knew this. I became so accustomed to acting normal that my emotions just disappeared, and I couldn't tell the difference between sad and happy.  But the same thing followed - I woke up two weeks later, and everything was fine. Every few months or so, these things keep happening, but worse each time. This has happened at least three times already, and it doesn't seem like it will stop. However, this isn't completely without cause. In July of 2021, I started questioning my sexuality and gender. It was so confusing, and I felt like nothing fit. I spent a whole year and several months trying to figure out 'what I was', while dealing with my mental issues. I have figured out what I am and come to terms with that, but nothing feels right. No one around me will hear a word I have to say, and I am forced to be this normal girl with no personality. Names and pronouns are used as weapons against me, and everyone attacked me when I cut my hair short a while back.  I am letting it grow out again - I am tired of my family sneering at me. Kids and adults calling me nasty things in public. I'm just so. . .tired of not wanting to fit in, wanting to fit it, trying to fit in, and getting nowhere. I don't have anyone to say this to, because I'm just afraid of what they will say. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it. I can't look in a mirror without getting angry at myself because I'm not as slim or as pretty or as nice as I should be. As I WANT to be. My whole crisis has ruined those around me, and I am doing as much damage to people as I am doing to myself. I try. I am trying. I don't want to die yet...that's what I keep telling myself. But do I? I don't know. I can't fix me. Or this mess. I need to stay strong, but I am cracking. How do I get out of this??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

Thank you for explaining how you're feeling so well to us. I can imagine it wasn't easy for you to share all of this, but I'm glad you felt able to be open with us here; how did it feel to get all of that off your chest?

It definitely sounds like you've got a lot going on right now, and it's a shame that the doctors and therapists couldn't help; why do you think that is? Also, sorry for all of the questions, but I noticed that you've questioned dying at the end of your message, and I just wanted to check, are you safe at the moment? If you're not, it's okay to be open about this and we can help you get back on the right track. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

  • UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
  • USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
  • A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
  • An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful. 
  • If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7

 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

39 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Thank you for explaining how you're feeling so well to us. I can imagine it wasn't easy for you to share all of this, but I'm glad you felt able to be open with us here; how did it feel to get all of that off your chest?

It definitely sounds like you've got a lot going on right now, and it's a shame that the doctors and therapists couldn't help; why do you think that is? Also, sorry for all of the questions, but I noticed that you've questioned dying at the end of your message, and I just wanted to check, are you safe at the moment? If you're not, it's okay to be open about this and we can help you get back on the right track. Just incase you need it, here is some safety information if you are in crisis: 

  • UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
  • USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
  • A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
  • An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful. 
  • If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7

Hi, thank you for replying. I will admit that it was hard to say all of that, but I'm glad I did. I think that the doctors and therapists just weren't fully understanding what was happening, which is not entirely their fault. It is all overwhelming at the moment, but I would say that I'm safe. I am trying to figure out how to fix all of this...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
6 hours ago, _Alex_ said:

Hi, thank you for replying. I will admit that it was hard to say all of that, but I'm glad I did. I think that the doctors and therapists just weren't fully understanding what was happening, which is not entirely their fault. It is all overwhelming at the moment, but I would say that I'm safe. I am trying to figure out how to fix all of this...

Hey,

Yeah, i expected that you would find it hard, but at the same time, it's really good to let it all out because being open helps you to process what's going on. Also, I'm glad to hear you are safe. I'm wondering, out of everything that is going on, what is the one thing you want to 'fix' the most? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, i expected that you would find it hard, but at the same time, it's really good to let it all out because being open helps you to process what's going on. Also, I'm glad to hear you are safe. I'm wondering, out of everything that is going on, what is the one thing you want to 'fix' the most? 

I know that I can work on myself, but I really want to try to not affect other people with my problems.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
On 7/28/2022 at 5:25 PM, _Alex_ said:

I know that I can work on myself, but I really want to try to not affect other people with my problems.

Hey Alex. Can you tell me more about that? How do you feel other people are affected by your problems? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/30/2022 at 7:22 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey Alex. Can you tell me more about that? How do you feel other people are affected by your problems? 

I feel like when I'm going through something, and people try to help me, I end up either dragging them into my problems or just hurting them. I don't mean to, but I can act really aggressive sometimes. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
6 hours ago, _Alex_ said:

I feel like when I'm going through something, and people try to help me, I end up either dragging them into my problems or just hurting them. I don't mean to, but I can act really aggressive sometimes. 

Just to make sure I understand, is it that you act aggressively when people try to help you? If so, why do you think that is? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Just to make sure I understand, is it that you act aggressively when people try to help you? If so, why do you think that is? 

I think it's because I think I can solve a lot of my problems myself and I am overly independent as a person. I'm definitely not a social butterfly, but I'm nice enough. I just get angry or shut down when people address my problems in real life. I don't know why - just that I hate talking about them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
On 8/1/2022 at 9:44 PM, _Alex_ said:

I think it's because I think I can solve a lot of my problems myself and I am overly independent as a person. I'm definitely not a social butterfly, but I'm nice enough. I just get angry or shut down when people address my problems in real life. I don't know why - just that I hate talking about them.

I'm wondering, why is it you hate talking about them? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 8/1/2022 at 4:55 PM, Monsoon said:

i'm wondering, why is it you hate talking about them? 

I don't know for sure - It makes me really uncomfortable. Like I can't show my feelings because it makes me feel weak, vulnerable, or anxious.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor
12 hours ago, _Alex_ said:

I don't know for sure - It makes me really uncomfortable. Like I can't show my feelings because it makes me feel weak, vulnerable, or anxious.

That makes sense; when we feel uncomfortable, we can then act in ways we normally wouldn't. I also completely get what you're saying about how sharing your feelings makes you feel vulnerable and anxious. I think that many people have a tendency to keep their feelings in because it feels safe doing so, but when you open up, you are then able to make deeper connections and work through whatever is troubling you more; what do you think?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Monsoon said:

That makes sense; when we feel uncomfortable, we can then act in ways we normally wouldn't. I also completely get what you're saying about how sharing your feelings makes you feel vulnerable and anxious. I think that many people have a tendency to keep their feelings in because it feels safe doing so, but when you open up, you are then able to make deeper connections and work through whatever is troubling you more; what do you think?

I agree, but it's really hard for me to do, and that's annoying. I just want people to treat me like a normal person when I open up, and not like some sort of rabid animal. I feel like whenever I'm honest about how I feel, everyone is either scared of me, overly worried, or. . .I don't know, it just causes so much unnecessary drama. It makes me feel guilty, I guess.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 8/8/2022 at 12:24 PM, Monsoon said:

I'm wondering, can you tell me what they have done to make you think they're scared of you or feel like you're a rabid animal? 

Yes, I think maybe some people that worry about me might worry too much, and show fear. They want me to feel normal, and so do I, but I don't think that they know that all I need is for them to give me time. They send me to doctors and therapists, test me, monitor me all the time, and it makes me feel like no one trusts me anymore. I have childhood trust issues with my parents, and I think that now I'm worried that since I lack real emotion around people, they're. . .afraid of me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

That's interesting that you feel like they don't know to just give you time. I'm wondering, could you make that clear to them? Could that help you to open up more?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

That's interesting that you feel like they don't know to just give you time. I'm wondering, could you make that clear to them? Could that help you to open up more?

I think it could, but not a lot of people listen to me, especially not my parents. I've tried to tell them this, but they think they know best, and so does everyone else. I don't want to open up to people that I don't have to, like my friends, because I don't want them to worry about me. That's always been my job; to worry about them. It's just...complicated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

I think it's a two-way thing really isn't it. Friendships mean caring for others, and that doesn't necessarily mean worrying about them, but just knowing enough to be able to help them through. What do you think?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, that is true. I try to have a balanced relationship with almost everyone I know. I just don't want to ruin the relationships I have with people just because I have problems I need to deal with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

I'm wondering, when people you're close with have told you about their problems, how has that been for you and the relationship more generally? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well...no one's really ever told me about their problems, I kind of just figured them out. No one really opens up to me much, now that I think about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I noticed that you said no one really opens up to you 'much', which suggests that they have done in the past, is that right? If so, how was that for you and how did it help the relationship? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't really remember, but I think it was a bit awkward, and mostly me worrying over someone and taking care of them. It wasn't really like anything that's happening to me though. No one I know has really "dealt with this before".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

I think that generally, when someone opens up to you, there can be a nice feeling in the sense that they trust you with that information and feel safe opening up, so that can then build the relationship. What do you think? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

I think that generally, when someone opens up to you, there can be a nice feeling in the sense that they trust you with that information and feel safe opening up, so that can then build the relationship. What do you think? 

Yeah, that's the idea. But I've never really been good with opening up to people OR having a healthy relationship. I tend to screw things up a lot :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Unfortunately, your content contains terms that we do not allow. Please edit your content to remove the highlighted words below.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
    Search In
×
×
  • Create New...