Situationship

[Niki01]

Hi I’m Niki ,

So I’ve been in uni for 6 months now and since the 4th week I have been sleeping with this guy on and off. We have never made any boundaries or put a label on anything and Ik he is still sleeping round with other girls. I have also with guys but not one nights stands just starting to talk to people and when I do I stop having sex with him ( tho we stay friendly and still talk). But every time I try and move on or stop myself I always end up going back there  As we always go out in the same clubs/pubs. We get on really well and our personalities match, like all my friends say “there is an obvious connection”. 
 

A bit about him (J)  - so J is 9 years older than me and  lives just off campus, he has a reputation of sleeping around and he does drugs, which he knows I’m against and he appreciates my feelings and doesn’t do it when I’m around. J has gone through a lot of trauma similar to me. ( my cousin killed herself not long ago and his mate done the same 5 years ago) although he is also dealing with cancer and going through his last phase of kemo. J has a mask on in public he is perceived as one of the best lads on campus and has a big personality. Although behind closed doors I can see he’s struggling and he hides his true emotions. Every Saturday we go to karaoke in the local pub and he sings. And I mean he can sing, he has produced songs  and albums etc. 
 

Anyways I just don’t understand what is going on between us both and I’m too afraid to ask incase he ends things cause I do like him and enjoy what we have now and I don’t want it to end although I don’t know what to do about the whole situation. We always end up going bk to each others all his house mates love me (I meet up with them without him ) and they always say I’m the only girl he has brought home multiple times as he always ends things after one night. But I don’t understand why cause he says he doesn’t want a relationship or anything. He also says when we’re laying in bed watching tv “don’t catch feelings now” and I don’t understand what he means by this is he waiting for me to admit there’s feelings or does he genuinely not want me to ? I’m just so confused and I don’t know what to do or how to go around it. 

Edited March 10, 2022 by Niki01

[Niki01]

Hi I’m Niki ,

So I’ve been in uni for 6 months now and since the 4th week I have been sleeping with this guy on and off. We have never made any boundaries or put a label on anything and Ik he is still sleeping round with other girls. I have also with guys but not one nights stands just starting to talk to people and when I do I stop having sex with him ( tho we stay friendly and still talk). But every time I try and move on or stop myself I always end up going back there  As we always go out in the same clubs/pubs. We get on really well and our personalities match, like all my friends say “there is an obvious connection”. 
 

A bit about him (J)  - so J is 9 years older than me and  lives just off campus, he has a reputation of sleeping around and he does drugs, which he knows I’m against and he appreciates my feelings and doesn’t do it when I’m around. J has gone through a lot of trauma similar to me. ( my cousin killed herself not long ago and his mate done the same 5 years ago) although he is also dealing with cancer and going through his last phase of kemo. J has a mask on in public he is perceived as one of the best lads on campus and has a big personality. Although behind closed doors I can see he’s struggling and he hides his true emotions. Every Saturday we go to karaoke in the local pub and he sings. And I mean he can sing, he has produced songs  and albums etc. 
 

Anyways I just don’t understand what is going on between us both and I’m too afraid to ask incase he ends things cause I do like him and enjoy what we have now and I don’t want it to end although I don’t know what to do about the whole situation. We always end up going bk to each others all his house mates love me (I meet up with them without him ) and they always say I’m the only girl he has brought home multiple times as he always ends things after one night. But I don’t understand why cause he says he doesn’t want a relationship or anything. He also says when we’re laying in bed watching tv “don’t catch feelings now” and I don’t understand what he means by this is he waiting for me to admit there’s feelings or does he genuinely not want me to ? I’m just so confused and I don’t know what to do or how to go around it. 

 

Edited March 10, 2022 by Niki01

[Daisie]

Hey @Niki01, welcome to the community! I hope you’re doing well!

I just read your post and I just wondered whether you might find it helpful having a chat with one of our trained mentors? I will tag them in and perhaps they can give you some support and advice. @Monsoon

 

[Monsoon]

21 hours ago, Niki01 said:

Hi I’m Niki ,

So I’ve been in uni for 6 months now and since the 4th week I have been sleeping with this guy on and off. We have never made any boundaries or put a label on anything and Ik he is still sleeping round with other girls. I have also with guys but not one nights stands just starting to talk to people and when I do I stop having sex with him ( tho we stay friendly and still talk). But every time I try and move on or stop myself I always end up going back there  As we always go out in the same clubs/pubs. We get on really well and our personalities match, like all my friends say “there is an obvious connection”. 
 

A bit about him (J)  - so J is 9 years older than me and  lives just off campus, he has a reputation of sleeping around and he does drugs, which he knows I’m against and he appreciates my feelings and doesn’t do it when I’m around. J has gone through a lot of trauma similar to me. ( my cousin killed herself not long ago and his mate done the same 5 years ago) although he is also dealing with cancer and going through his last phase of kemo. J has a mask on in public he is perceived as one of the best lads on campus and has a big personality. Although behind closed doors I can see he’s struggling and he hides his true emotions. Every Saturday we go to karaoke in the local pub and he sings. And I mean he can sing, he has produced songs  and albums etc. 
 

Anyways I just don’t understand what is going on between us both and I’m too afraid to ask incase he ends things cause I do like him and enjoy what we have now and I don’t want it to end although I don’t know what to do about the whole situation. We always end up going bk to each others all his house mates love me (I meet up with them without him ) and they always say I’m the only girl he has brought home multiple times as he always ends things after one night. But I don’t understand why cause he says he doesn’t want a relationship or anything. He also says when we’re laying in bed watching tv “don’t catch feelings now” and I don’t understand what he means by this is he waiting for me to admit there’s feelings or does he genuinely not want me to ? I’m just so confused and I don’t know what to do or how to go around it. 

Hey Niki,

Welcome to our community. I think that it's tricky for me to answer your question around what he means about 'don't catch feelings now' because I don't really know that much about your situation other than what you've told me; he could have meant it as a joke or he could have been serious, but I guess it's hard for me to say. I know it might be a scary conversation, but I think the best way forward might be to consider having a chat with him about how you feel. What do you think? 

[Jaylen]

But there is a possibility that he feels a connection as well, that's why he keeps reminding that there shouldn't be any feelings. Maybe he has had a traumatic relationship and doesn't want to be in one now, but he likes the relationship you guys have and is scared to go past that. He probably has a lot going on behind the scenes, what i advice is, if you think you guys are going strong like a good relationship, coukd be friends or anything. Just stay with him. Because as you said he has apparently never brought another girl home so many times, so many he wants you in his life maybe just as a friend or a support or something. Just be with him until he figures out what's up and get closer to him and tell him that you are there for him 

Just now, Jaylen said:

But there is a possibility that he feels a connection as well, that's why he keeps reminding that there shouldn't be any feelings. Maybe he has had a traumatic relationship and doesn't want to be in one now, but he likes the relationship you guys have and is scared to go past that. He probably has a lot going on behind the scenes, what i advice is, if you think you guys are going strong like a good relationship, coukd be friends or anything. Just stay with him. Because as you said he has apparently never brought another girl home so many times, so many he wants you in his life maybe just as a friend or a support or something. Just be with him until he figures out what's up and get closer to him and tell him that you are there for him 

I dont know if that was what you wanted to hear though.....

[Niki01]

On 3/11/2022 at 4:27 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey Niki,

Welcome to our community. I think that it's tricky for me to answer your question around what he means about 'don't catch feelings now' because I don't really know that much about your situation other than what you've told me; he could have meant it as a joke or he could have been serious, but I guess it's hard for me to say. I know it might be a scary conversation, but I think the best way forward might be to consider having a chat with him about how you feel. What do you think? 

I’ve tried to have conversations with him but he avoids the topic and goes on to talk about something else  or asks for us to go out for a cigarette, so I don’t know how to go about it. But I’ll have another try and see if I can word it differently

[Niki01]

On 3/12/2022 at 5:13 AM, Jaylen said:

But there is a possibility that he feels a connection as well, that's why he keeps reminding that there shouldn't be any feelings. Maybe he has had a traumatic relationship and doesn't want to be in one now, but he likes the relationship you guys have and is scared to go past that. He probably has a lot going on behind the scenes, what i advice is, if you think you guys are going strong like a good relationship, coukd be friends or anything. Just stay with him. Because as you said he has apparently never brought another girl home so many times, so many he wants you in his life maybe just as a friend or a support or something. Just be with him until he figures out what's up and get closer to him and tell him that you are there for him 

I dont know if that was what you wanted to hear though.....

I think that’s a great idea I do like the friendship we have and if it don’t go any further I’m happy as long as we do say in contact. Today I haven’t spoken to him at all and I’ve been in the library until now and he has text me asking for me to go over which I agreed to, but he said while asking ‘ do u fancy coming over don’t want to do anything I just want a cwtch’ I’m here now and we are just talking put on tv and having a cuddle which is nice although I don’t understand, normally it’s always just more of come over stay the night and have a good time. But this time its more of a chill night in which is not like him normally Think it’s more of the case of waiting it out and seeing where it all goes.

[Monsoon]

6 hours ago, Niki01 said:

I’ve tried to have conversations with him but he avoids the topic and goes on to talk about something else  or asks for us to go out for a cigarette, so I don’t know how to go about it. But I’ll have another try and see if I can word it differently

Hey,

Yeah, that does sound tricky. Why do you think he is avoiding the topic? 

[Jaylen]

13 hours ago, Niki01 said:

I think that’s a great idea I do like the friendship we have and if it don’t go any further I’m happy as long as we do say in contact. Today I haven’t spoken to him at all and I’ve been in the library until now and he has text me asking for me to go over which I agreed to, but he said while asking ‘ do u fancy coming over don’t want to do anything I just want a cwtch’ I’m here now and we are just talking put on tv and having a cuddle which is nice although I don’t understand, normally it’s always just more of come over stay the night and have a good time. But this time its more of a chill night in which is not like him normally Think it’s more of the case of waiting it out and seeing where it all goes.

yea, just go with the flow and see what happens. but dont lose yourself and watch over both of you guys .

good luck!

[Niki01]

7 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, that does sound tricky. Why do you think he is avoiding the topic? 

I’ve spoken to my friends that know him and we all agreed that he’s been hurt in the past and I think he is scared of the commitment or getting hurt again. I briefly had a conversation with him about it and he said that he’d rather sleep around then ruin something that could be. He also said again ‘don’t catch feelings’ and I said to him that I’m just going with the flow idk wether I should say something different or if I tell him I do like him I don’t want things to end between us 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I think that you just have to be completely honest with him about where you're at emotionally; I can see from what he said about not wanting to ruin something that he is likely scared of getting hurt like you said, but I think you also run the risk of being hurt if a decision isn't made about moving forward by both of you. What do you think?