relationships I love my closest trans friend and they are in a relationship already, how do i get rid of these feelings?

[Ryan_2008]

I love my closest friend, i have been limiting contact with them as much as possible but we are both in school and i have multiple classes with him, it hurts so much to see him because he is in a relationship with two others one of which my friend as well, i really want to know how to get rid of these emotions, does anyone have any tips?

Edited September 1 by Ryan_2008

[Lennie]

On 9/1/2024 at 2:55 AM, Ryan_2008 said:

I love my closest friend, i have been limiting contact with them as much as possible but we are both in school and i have multiple classes with him, it hurts so much to see him because he is in a relationship with two others one of which my friend as well, i really want to know how to get rid of these emotions, does anyone have any tips?

Hi @Ryan_2008 - firstly, welcome to Ditch the Label! We are really glad to have you here 

Unfortunately, getting rid of emotions like this can be difficult and take time. I think your instinct to try to put space between you both, where possible, is a good move. Although, as you mentioned, this is not completely doable if you attend several of the same classes.

In the early stages of trying to move on from having strong feelings for someone, it can help to direct some more of your free time elsewhere. This can at least serve as a distraction and help you to free your mind from overly focusing on this one person. For example, you could try spending more time with other friends that don't overlap with their friendship group, or getting more involved with a hobby, passion or interest you have. Does this sound like something that might help a little? What do you think?

 

 

[-Aussie-]

On 8/31/2024 at 8:55 PM, Ryan_2008 said:

I love my closest friend, i have been limiting contact with them as much as possible but we are both in school and i have multiple classes with him, it hurts so much to see him because he is in a relationship with two others one of which my friend as well, i really want to know how to get rid of these emotions, does anyone have any tips?

heyy, welcome to DTL, Im Aussie!

ok on topic, I understand were you are coming from. I had to do something like this last year. I will say it will take a lot of time for these  feelings to go away. I know even after a year I still like the person I liked before. Its going to be hard but like @Lennie said try and distract your self and hang out with other friends. If you like drawing thats something that helped me, when I was in class I would draw and not pay attention to the person. Or try reading if you have free time in classes and over all focuse of class work. limiting contact is something that will work for a while but you may notice you will start to stare and glance over at them. However it will be difficult right now but it will get better at some point. If you can let me know how everything goes, and one last thing People at DTL will be here for you!

[Ryan_2008]

On 9/3/2024 at 10:33 AM, -Aussie- said:

heyy, welcome to DTL, Im Aussie!

ok on topic, I understand were you are coming from. I had to do something like this last year. I will say it will take a lot of time for these  feelings to go away. I know even after a year I still like the person I liked before. Its going to be hard but like @Lennie said try and distract your self and hang out with other friends. If you like drawing thats something that helped me, when I was in class I would draw and not pay attention to the person. Or try reading if you have free time in classes and over all focuse of class work. limiting contact is something that will work for a while but you may notice you will start to stare and glance over at them. However it will be difficult right now but it will get better at some point. If you can let me know how everything goes, and one last thing People at DTL will be here for you!

thank you for the tip, but honestly drawing is just going to hurt more because that's a big thing i associate with him, and it hurts to even try to draw right now, but thank you and @Lennie thank you as well for the tips as well, i do i just don't talk to them much because of the fact i don't want to bother them with the possibility of my emotions just spewing out.

[-Aussie-]

On 9/6/2024 at 11:17 PM, Ryan_2008 said:

thank you for the tip, but honestly drawing is just going to hurt more because that's a big thing i associate with him, and it hurts to even try to draw right now, but thank you and @Lennie thank you as well for the tips as well, i do i just don't talk to them much because of the fact i don't want to bother them with the possibility of my emotions just spewing out.

ah sorry for that, that's something that helped me, I hope everything goes well for you now

[Ryan_2008]

On 9/9/2024 at 8:40 AM, -Aussie- said:

ah sorry for that, that's something that helped me, I hope everything goes well for you now

i thank you, im trying as hard as i can to not let it get to me, though it hurts so goddamn much, but still thanks for the tips

[Lennie]

8 hours ago, Ryan_2008 said:

i thank you, im trying as hard as i can to not let it get to me, though it hurts so goddamn much, but still thanks for the tips

Hi @Ryan_2008 - I'm sorry to hear that you are still finding this situation so difficult. Have you found anything that has helped distract you, or just lifted your mood at all in this past week or so?

[Ryan_2008]

10 hours ago, Lennie said:

Hi @Ryan_2008 - I'm sorry to hear that you are still finding this situation so difficult. Have you found anything that has helped distract you, or just lifted your mood at all in this past week or so?

no, i haven't, i'm about a month and a week into school right now and by god it still hurts, it's made it hard to even focus, because every time i try my mind drifts back to him and no matter how hard i try i can't stop it

[Mestizo]

Hi @Ryan_2008. I’m Mestizo, one of the other Support Mentors with Ditch the Label. Perhaps another strategy to consider if the ones offered have not worked for you is moving towards your thoughts and feelings for this person and then seeking to reframe. The goal should not necessarily be to get rid of your emotions, but rather embrace them and then reframe them. For example, if a thought comes to mind about something this person said or did that was thoughtful or considerate, acknowledge and accept that the person was being thoughtful and considerate. That’s a good quality and something to be celebrated for any person. But rather than using that moment to then beat yourself up because you are thinking about the person or evening thinking positively of the person because it makes you like them more, but it hurts because you realize you can’t be with them, reframe that thought. Remind yourself that this person being nice or thoughtful or considerate or whatever it is you think of them does not have to do with you. It has to do with them being themselves. By reframing and reminding yourself about it being okay to like qualities of a person but not tying it back to yourself, but keeping it as an attribute that person possess it can over time help create distance or separation even though you are acknowledging and engaging with the person still. 

In other words, rather than avoiding the person you are accepting them for who and how they are and you are reminding yourself that it’s okay and even good for the person to be the way they are. It’s not about hurting you. It’s about you accepting them for who they are without you beating yourself up for that. 

I’m not sure I’m explaining this concept correctly. I can try to clarify if you’d like. But I can appreciate that “getting over someone” is easier said than done.