Oh my god romance is weird (help)

[ProffesorSparkles]

Heya, this is my first post on here just to lyk :)

 

So. As the title would suggest, I’m confused. I’ve known I like guys for a while now, I think it’s been a year and a half, but the thing is, I don’t really get crushes, and when I do they are usually straight guys who are unnaitainable :( but yeah my crushes usually last like a week or 2 and then I realise I never liked them in the first place. Fun, right? But yeah, as all my friends get in and out of relationships, and the main topic of conversation is who’s dating who etc etc, I can’t help but feel jealous that they get these emotions. I know about aro/ace people and I kinda identify with the aro side, but I don’t want to admit it, because I keep telling myself I just haven’t found someone I like yet. I also started liking girls recently . It’s weird because I’m only experiencing attraction romantically and not sexually. Idk man I’m so confused rn 

[Luie]

Heyy @ProffesorSparkles I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. I see that you're new to our platform and I wanted to say a massive welcome! Super awesome having you join our community. You can start conversations like this or even join other topics on the forums option. We also offer one to one support if you'd prefer that, if you click on 'Confidential Support' in the top bar next to blogs, you can send a request and one of the support mentors will get back to you. 

[Luie]

21 hours ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

Heya, this is my first post on here just to lyk :)

So. As the title would suggest, I’m confused. I’ve known I like guys for a while now, I think it’s been a year and a half, but the thing is, I don’t really get crushes, and when I do they are usually straight guys who are unnaitainable :( but yeah my crushes usually last like a week or 2 and then I realise I never liked them in the first place. Fun, right? But yeah, as all my friends get in and out of relationships, and the main topic of conversation is who’s dating who etc etc, I can’t help but feel jealous that they get these emotions. I know about aro/ace people and I kinda identify with the aro side, but I don’t want to admit it, because I keep telling myself I just haven’t found someone I like yet. I also started liking girls recently . It’s weird because I’m only experiencing attraction romantically and not sexually. Idk man I’m so confused rn 

 

Heyy @ProffesorSparkles, thanks for sharing what's been on your mind. It sounds like you're going through a bit of a confusing time, and that's completely okay. Figuring out your feelings, especially when it comes to attraction, can be a journey filled with twists and turns. Also, the DTL community is a good space for this as well because everyone is supportive and can share their experiences too!

Btw It's totally normal not to fit into the typical mold of having crushes that last ages or feeling the same way your friends do about relationships. Everyone experiences things differently, and there's no right or wrong way to navigate these feelings. Exploring your identity, whether it's romantically, sexually, or otherwise, is a process, and it's okay if it takes time to figure out where you stand. It's great that you're aware of terms like aro/ace and are open to understanding yourself better. I do want to remind you that it's totally okay to embrace who you are, even if it doesn't fit society's expectations as long as you're able to be safe where you are. 

However, I'm curious, when you say you started liking girls recently, what sparked that interest for you? And when you think about your crushes on guys, do you find yourself drawn to certain qualities or characteristics in them? Feel free to share more about your experiences if you're comfortable.

 

[AshtonBeach]

On 4/6/2024 at 7:59 AM, ProffesorSparkles said:

Heya, this is my first post on here just to lyk :)

So. As the title would suggest, I’m confused. I’ve known I like guys for a while now, I think it’s been a year and a half, but the thing is, I don’t really get crushes, and when I do they are usually straight guys who are unnaitainable :( but yeah my crushes usually last like a week or 2 and then I realise I never liked them in the first place. Fun, right? But yeah, as all my friends get in and out of relationships, and the main topic of conversation is who’s dating who etc etc, I can’t help but feel jealous that they get these emotions. I know about aro/ace people and I kinda identify with the aro side, but I don’t want to admit it, because I keep telling myself I just haven’t found someone I like yet. I also started liking girls recently . It’s weird because I’m only experiencing attraction romantically and not sexually. Idk man I’m so confused rn 

Heya!! so from what you have told us  you could be demiromantic or demisexual ?

"Demisexual means you don't feel sexual attraction toward someone until you've developed some level of emotional bond with them. Demiromantic means that you need that kind of bond to develop romantic attraction toward a person"

But being soeone who is asexual but still dates I understand how you feel :) Im here to talk if you need!

[ProffesorSparkles]

8 hours ago, Luie said:

when you say you started liking girls recently, what sparked that interest for you?

I honestly have no idea. I just recently started feeling attracted to girls, and it was surprising. Example is one of my more recent crushes was a girl (another short lived crush, yes) and I was surprised bc the last time I had a crush on a girl was like 5 yrs ago lmao

 

8 hours ago, Luie said:

And when you think about your crushes on guys, do you find yourself drawn to certain qualities or characteristics in them?

I'm also not very sure (sorry). As I said, I usually get crushes on straight guys who are even remotely kind to me (there's a lot of homophobia in my school) so yeah.  The qualities I'm drawn to tend to be basic human kindness lmao

 

BTW sorry for the late response! And tysm for your reply @Luie

[ProffesorSparkles]

4 hours ago, AshtonBeach said:

Heya!! so from what you have told us  you could be demiromantic or demisexual ?

"Demisexual means you don't feel sexual attraction toward someone until you've developed some level of emotional bond with them. Demiromantic means that you need that kind of bond to develop romantic attraction toward a person"

But being soeone who is asexual but still dates I understand how you feel :) Im here to talk if you need!

Hey thanks for the reply :)

I've never really heard about demisexual and demiromantic, so I'm not super sure, I also don't rlly like using labels for myself bc I feel like I'd be kinda putting myself in a box :/ I feel like you never know what else you have left to discover abt urself  

I briefly spoke to my friend about this, and she said it sounded like I was smth called "cupioromamtic"? (Idk if I spelled that right)

But yea thx for the reply and thx for the offer to chat :)

[Duckie]

On 4/6/2024 at 12:59 PM, ProffesorSparkles said:

Heya, this is my first post on here just to lyk :)

So. As the title would suggest, I’m confused. I’ve known I like guys for a while now, I think it’s been a year and a half, but the thing is, I don’t really get crushes, and when I do they are usually straight guys who are unnaitainable :( but yeah my crushes usually last like a week or 2 and then I realise I never liked them in the first place. Fun, right? But yeah, as all my friends get in and out of relationships, and the main topic of conversation is who’s dating who etc etc, I can’t help but feel jealous that they get these emotions. I know about aro/ace people and I kinda identify with the aro side, but I don’t want to admit it, because I keep telling myself I just haven’t found someone I like yet. I also started liking girls recently . It’s weird because I’m only experiencing attraction romantically and not sexually. Idk man I’m so confused rn 

Hiya @ProffesorSparkles,

Thank you for sharing this with us. It does sound like it's been confusing for you, expecting to crush on certain people and in certain ways and then have all that thrown around. A lot of people experience that their sexualities are fluid and change over time. I understand that you don't like labels and that's not something I want you to feel pressured to "decide" in any way. Could it be that your previous crushes is more based on being attracted to their personalities, but that this fades over time and turns into more of a friendship type feeling? I am suggesting this because someone we fall in love with will need to have traits that we are attracted to - on the inside and the outside. What do you think?

[ProffesorSparkles]

7 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hiya @ProffesorSparkles,

Thank you for sharing this with us. It does sound like it's been confusing for you, expecting to crush on certain people and in certain ways and then have all that thrown around. A lot of people experience that their sexualities are fluid and change over time. I understand that you don't like labels and that's not something I want you to feel pressured to "decide" in any way. Could it be that your previous crushes is more based on being attracted to their personalities, but that this fades over time and turns into more of a friendship type feeling? I am suggesting this because someone we fall in love with will need to have traits that we are attracted to - on the inside and the outside. What do you think?

Hey :) I definitely think personalities is a bigger part of my previous crushes, and actually thinking about what @AshtonBeach said, my crushes are usually people im friendly witth, at least on some level. I don't think I have the highest standards though

 

17 minutes ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

I usually get crushes on straight guys who are even remotely kind to me (there's a lot of homophobia in my school

^This being my point. It's usually the guys who speak to me normally and I am somewhat friendly with who I ended getting a crush on

[Duckie]

12 minutes ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

Hey :) I definitely think personalities is a bigger part of my previous crushes, and actually thinking about what @AshtonBeach said, my crushes are usually people im friendly witth, at least on some level. I don't think I have the highest standards though

^This being my point. It's usually the guys who speak to me normally and I am somewhat friendly with who I ended getting a crush on

It sounds like you usually crush on straight guys and that this fades quickly simply due to that it wouldn't work out (due to them being straight I mean). What do you think?

It's not a bad thing to fall in love with someone's personality though. Connecting on a spiritual level can be  an initmate experience even if it only ends up in friendships.

[ProffesorSparkles]

1 minute ago, Duckie said:

It sounds like you usually crush on straight guys and that this fades quickly simply due to that it wouldn't work out (due to them being straight I mean). What do you think?

It's not a bad thing to fall in love with someone's personality though. Connecting on a spiritual level can be  an initmate experience even if it only ends up in friendships.

You pretty much summed it up. When I realise there's no point I give up. I also tend to feel like I never really liked them in the first place

[ProffesorSparkles]

My crushes are quite few and far between though

[Duckie]

4 minutes ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

You pretty much summed it up. When I realise there's no point I give up. I also tend to feel like I never really liked them in the first place

Maybe you sort of force yourself to feel like that a little? Because logically you know it will never be. What do you think?

2 minutes ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

My crushes are quite few and far between though

That's normal of course  It might actually take a little while to fully 'recover' from a crush before being able to see these attractive personalities in other people.

[ProffesorSparkles]

3 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Maybe you sort of force yourself to feel like that a little? Because logically you know it will never be. What do you think?

I've actually never really though about it like that... that actually could be why I just feel like I didn't like them in the first place. Kinda like I'm convincing myself it's no biggie almost?

 

5 minutes ago, Duckie said:

That's normal of course  It might actually take a little while to fully 'recover' from a crush before being able to see these attractive personalities in other people.

It does kinda feel like that. As well witth my friends talking about the ups and downs if their relationships, they downs do not make me feel as if I want to go out there and get a relationship 

[Duckie]

27 minutes ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

I've actually never really though about it like that... that actually could be why I just feel like I didn't like them in the first place. Kinda like I'm convincing myself it's no biggie almost?

It does kinda feel like that. As well witth my friends talking about the ups and downs if their relationships, they downs do not make me feel as if I want to go out there and get a relationship 

That makes total sense to me. Sometimes we tell ourselves these things in order to make sense of things, but also to not feel rejected. We tell ourselves "I didn't like them that much anyway" because it might be what we need to hear in that moment.

I completely get that. Hearing about arguments and whatnot can be really off-putting - although not neccessarily representative of every relationship out there 

[ProffesorSparkles]

10 hours ago, Duckie said:

That makes total sense to me. Sometimes we tell ourselves these things in order to make sense of things, but also to not feel rejected. We tell ourselves "I didn't like them that much anyway" because it might be what we need to hear in that moment.

Wow I actually think that's the explanation. Thank you so much! 

10 hours ago, Duckie said:

I completely get that. Hearing about arguments and whatnot can be really off-putting - although not neccessarily representative of every relationship out there 

Yeah it's 100% not representing every relationship out there but most of the people my age in my area are getting arguments etc etc and some even getting cheated on. It kinda makes me just go "uhhhh no thanks"

[Duckie]

On 4/8/2024 at 7:24 AM, ProffesorSparkles said:

Wow I actually think that's the explanation. Thank you so much! 

Yeah it's 100% not representing every relationship out there but most of the people my age in my area are getting arguments etc etc and some even getting cheated on. It kinda makes me just go "uhhhh no thanks"

Hi!

I'm happy you feel this has helped you. I'm glad to hear that 

Yeah, I completely get why you would get put off hearing about these intense arguments and cheating and all! I think most people in your position would feel a bit intimidated hearing about that. Do you know someone who is in a healthy relationship that you could talk to about these things? Might help give a more nuanced view.

[Aurora]

Hi @ProffesorSparkles, I can see that you've already had lots of replies from Luie, AshtonBeach and Duckie. I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself so you know who everyone is. I'm Aurora and I am one of the other support mentors here at Ditch the Label. It's great to have you here! If you need any help with anything or have any questions then please give us a shout. We're here for you