asexual i am asexual and my boyfriend is not

[user_error]

Hey all, I need some advice. I am asexual, and I have been aware of this part of myself for years and have always been okay with it. I just don't feel sexual attraction, and most conversation around sex makes me uncomfortable unless it is entirely about someone else. But, like I said in the title, I have a boyfriend now, and he is not ace. Now, don't get the wrong idea here, he in no way whatsoever has tried to make me feel like my asexuality is a problem. He is absolutely supportive, and always tells me to let him know if something he says makes me uncomfortable, and that me being ace doesn't bother him, and even if he doesn't understand the way I feel (or don't feel) he still loves and cares about me. But even though I've always been comfortable in my own asexuality, currently I just feel kind of... I don't know... guilty about it? I feel guilty that I'll never be able to reciprocate that kind of attraction to someone. I feel guilty that no matter who I date, sex is just something I am not interested in, or comfortable with. 

Idk. I just don't get it at all. I do not understand sexual attraction or the appeal of sex. It doesn't make sense to me. Whatever the hell happens in a persons brain to make them want to bang does not happen to me in any capacity. And I'm starting to resent that part of myself because I won't be able to ever satisfy those kinds of wants any partner of mine might have. 

I really need advice, and any would help.

Thanks, Dami. 

 

[illumi]

even if youre asexual and doesnt like the idea of sex; you still have space for romantic attraction. many aces thinks that sex and sexual attraction are mandatory in a romantic relationship but its not. i dont have any more advices but keep that in mind. dont force yourself to have sex if you dont want to either btw

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, damian said:

Hey all, I need some advice. I am asexual, and I have been aware of this part of myself for years and have always been okay with it. I just don't feel sexual attraction, and most conversation around sex makes me uncomfortable unless it is entirely about someone else. But, like I said in the title, I have a boyfriend now, and he is not ace. Now, don't get the wrong idea here, he in no way whatsoever has tried to make me feel like my asexuality is a problem. He is absolutely supportive, and always tells me to let him know if something he says makes me uncomfortable, and that me being ace doesn't bother him, and even if he doesn't understand the way I feel (or don't feel) he still loves and cares about me. But even though I've always been comfortable in my own asexuality, currently I just feel kind of... I don't know... guilty about it? I feel guilty that I'll never be able to reciprocate that kind of attraction to someone. I feel guilty that no matter who I date, sex is just something I am not interested in, or comfortable with. 

Idk. I just don't get it at all. I do not understand sexual attraction or the appeal of sex. It doesn't make sense to me. Whatever the hell happens in a persons brain to make them want to bang does not happen to me in any capacity. And I'm starting to resent that part of myself because I won't be able to ever satisfy those kinds of wants any partner of mine might have. 

I really need advice, and any would help.

Thanks, Dami. 

Hey Dami,

Thank you for reaching out to us about this. I'm sorry to hear about the guilt you've been feeling. I think this would naturally happen at some point due to most people having sexual thoughts, and I can imagine that this is a pretty common experience among ace people. I'm wondering, have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you feel? If so, how did it go?

[user_error]

16 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

I'm wondering, have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you feel? If so, how did it go?

I've explained to him how it feels being ace and not being able to reciprocate those kinds of feelings, but I haven't really told him about the fact that I feel guilty about not being able to feel the same way about him that he feels about me. 

[peanutbutterstruggles]

hey, i'm ace as well, i feel the same about sex. and that's totally okay! there's nothing wrong with not wanting sex. it's just not a part of you. you shouldn't blame yourself for being who you are, because you are enough! 

i understand where the guilt is coming from though. i've heard similiar stories from many ace people. seems like it's a common ace experience to feel bad about not being able to give their partner sexual satisfaction. you should talk about it with your boyfriend, let him know how you feel. clear communication can solve a lot. maybe having a conversation about this would give you some insight into his feelings, and vice versa