Bullying

[Duckie]

3 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

Yeah it is tough. Yes I have tried to make her understand. No I'm not meeting up with her for a while but the thing that's annoying is that she just messages me to talk about all the bad stuff that's going on in her life the thing is she knows what's going on but she tries to make me feel bad. I've not talked to her for about two weeks haven't met up with her for two weeks and she is still taking me for granted. I'm kind of just fed up with her treating me like this. 

It does sound like she is using you as a blank canvas to just draw on, not acknowledging your feelings. Is that fair to say? Has she always treated you like this? Do you think she treats other people like this or just yourself? I am asking this, because it might be that people may have ended the friendship over her behaviour and sometimes when people fear losing friends, they bring them down so that they feel they don't deserve better. It's not an excuse, but an explanation. What do you think?

[Treacle 246]

1 minute ago, Duckie said:

It does sound like she is using you as a blank canvas to just draw on, not acknowledging your feelings. Is that fair to say? Has she always treated you like this? Do you think she treats other people like this or just yourself? I am asking this, because it might be that people may have ended the friendship over her behaviour and sometimes when people fear losing friends, they bring them down so that they feel they don't deserve better. It's not an excuse, but an explanation. What do you think?

Yes that is fair to say. Yes she has always treated me like this. No she doesn't treat other people like this just me and I'm fed up with it. 

[Duckie]

4 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

Yes that is fair to say. Yes she has always treated me like this. No she doesn't treat other people like this just me and I'm fed up with it. 

That sounds really unfair. Do you have good moments with her too or is it mostly like this?

It does sound like it might be time to cut ties unfortunately. What do you feel is keeping you from doing so right now?

[Treacle 246]

4 minutes ago, Duckie said:

That sounds really unfair. Do you have good moments with her too or is it mostly like this?

It does sound like it might be time to cut ties unfortunately. What do you feel is keeping you from doing so right now?

It is unfair. No it's always like this. I think it is the time to cut ties with her. The thing that is keeping me from doing this is she just expects me to drop everything and help her with her stuff when I have things going on aswell she just expects me to fix everything in her life where I have literally not alot of people who understand what is going on in my life 

[Duckie]

4 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

It is unfair. No it's always like this. I think it is the time to cut ties with her. The thing that is keeping me from doing this is she just expects me to drop everything and help her with her stuff when I have things going on aswell she just expects me to fix everything in her life where I have literally not alot of people who understand what is going on in my life 

It sounds like she's not very considerate about what you've got going on in your life. It sounds like she is using you like some sort of safety net rather than a friend. Let's say she texts/calls you tomorrow and asks you to drop everything. What do you think would be the ideal way of gently telling her no? It might be the start of her realising that it is not reasonable nor a kind way to treat a friend. Do you imagine a big argument or that you just stop replying until she gets the hint? Regardless it might be a good start to clearly state that you are not available for her, without feeling like you have to state why. What do you think?

[Treacle 246]

Just now, Duckie said:

It sounds like she's not very considerate about what you've got going on in your life. It sounds like she is using you like some sort of safety net rather than a friend. Let's say she texts/calls you tomorrow and asks you to drop everything. What do you think would be the ideal way of gently telling her no? It might be the start of her realising that it is not reasonable nor a kind way to treat a friend. Do you imagine a big argument or that you just stop replying until she gets the hint? Regardless it might be a good start to clearly state that you are not available for her, without feeling like you have to state why. What do you think?

No she isn't. I've tried to tell her no but she still just expects me to drop everything and help her. I try to stop replying to her but she sends me like loads of messages and it annoys me she just expects me to message her when I'm busy. I've tried to tell her that I'm not available but she still just expects me to fix everything that is going on in her life I don't really need her doing this to me I'm starting sixthform on Friday and I'm already stressed due to the amount of work we have to do and she just messages me when I'm busy and when I don't reply to her she sends multiple of messages. 

[Duckie]

1 minute ago, Treacle 246 said:

No she isn't. I've tried to tell her no but she still just expects me to drop everything and help her. I try to stop replying to her but she sends me like loads of messages and it annoys me she just expects me to message her when I'm busy. I've tried to tell her that I'm not available but she still just expects me to fix everything that is going on in her life I don't really need her doing this to me I'm starting sixthform on Friday and I'm already stressed due to the amount of work we have to do and she just messages me when I'm busy and when I don't reply to her she sends multiple of messages. 

Hi! That sounds like she is straight up harassing you until you buckle. That's really mean and inconsiderate of her. Especially since you've made very clear for her that you don't have time and also can't drop everything. Have you considered blocking her full stop, since she is clearly not listening to you? Would you feel OK to block all points of contacts for now? I am talking social media and her number and stuff. What do you think?

[Treacle 246]

1 minute ago, Duckie said:

Hi! That sounds like she is straight up harassing you until you buckle. That's really mean and inconsiderate of her. Especially since you've made very clear for her that you don't have time and also can't drop everything. Have you considered blocking her full stop, since she is clearly not listening to you? Would you feel OK to block all points of contacts for now? I am talking social media and her number and stuff. What do you think?

I have tried blocking her but she messages my other friends and I just get so many messages saying why are you ignoring her. 

[Aurora]

10 hours ago, Treacle 246 said:

I have tried blocking her but she messages my other friends and I just get so many messages saying why are you ignoring her. 

Hi @Treacle 246, I can see that you were talking to @Duckie   yesterday about your friend. How are you feeling about it all today? 

I have to say it's rather odd that even when you block her she still tries to get in contact with you via your other friends. Maybe ignoring her doesn't work and you might have to tell her firmly (but kindly) that you have your own life to deal with and that you can't always help her fix things. What do you think? Would you like us to come up with a reply together so you have something you can use the next time she asks you to help her with her problems? 

[Treacle 246]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

Hi @Treacle 246, I can see that you were talking to @Duckie   yesterday about your friend. How are you feeling about it all today? 

I have to say it's rather odd that even when you block her she still tries to get in contact with you via your other friends. Maybe ignoring her doesn't work and you might have to tell her firmly (but kindly) that you have your own life to deal with and that you can't always help her fix things. What do you think? Would you like us to come up with a reply together so you have something you can use the next time she asks you to help her with her problems? 

I don't really know. I've told her to her face before and she still just expects me to drop everything to help her. I've told her that I have my own things to deal with. She won't listen. Yes please 

[Aurora]

26 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

I don't really know. I've told her to her face before and she still just expects me to drop everything to help her. I've told her that I have my own things to deal with. She won't listen. Yes please 

No problem. Let's say she contacts you and says that she needs help with something. What kind of reply would you have given her in the past to let her know that you can't help her

[Treacle 246]

4 minutes ago, Aurora said:

No problem. Let's say she contacts you and says that she needs help with something. What kind of reply would you have given her in the past to let her know that you can't help her

I would of said to her hey, I can't talk right now I'm super busy. Her reply is oh but I really need you and you're the only one that can help. 

[Aurora]

3 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

I would of said to her hey, I can't talk right now I'm super busy. Her reply is oh but I really need you and you're the only one that can help. 

Thank you. That's really helpful. It sounds like she is putting emotional pressure on you, when you tell her that you don't have time right now. How would you normally respond to that? 

[Treacle 246]

1 minute ago, Aurora said:

Thank you. That's really helpful. It sounds like she is putting emotional pressure on you, when you tell her that you don't have time right now. How would you normally respond to that? 

No problem. Yeah she is and she makes me feel bad if I don't help her. I would of said fine what did you need help with. Then she will explain. 

[Aurora]

3 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

No problem. Yeah she is and she makes me feel bad if I don't help her. I would of said fine what did you need help with. Then she will explain. 

Ok, my suggestion is to keeping saying no, even if she is putting emotional pressure on you. I know this is really difficult and it will take some practice but once you've done it a few times she will realise that she can't just demand your attention any time she likes. I think that at the moment she thinks that if she keeps messaging you, eventually you'll give in and help her. How would you feel about saying something like: "I'm honoured you feel like this but I simply can't!" If you like you could add something like "I will get back to you when, once I've sorted out all my stuff" 

[Treacle 246]

1 minute ago, Aurora said:

Ok, my suggestion is to keeping saying no, even if she is putting emotional pressure on you. I know this is really difficult and it will take some practice but once you've done it a few times she will realise that she can't just demand your attention any time she likes. I think that at the moment she thinks that if she keeps messaging you, eventually you'll give in and help her. How would you feel about saying something like: "I'm honoured you feel like this but I simply can't!" If you like you could add something like "I will get back to you when, once I've sorted out all my stuff" 

In the past I have told her no over and over but she just messages me when phones me. Yep that is exactly what she thinks. I've tried that already she just doesn't listen 

[Aurora]

9 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

In the past I have told her no over and over but she just messages me when phones me. Yep that is exactly what she thinks. I've tried that already she just doesn't listen 

In that case, how about you tell her that you are going to switch off your phone now (or block her) as she is not respecting your wishes and you have to take care of your own well being. Maybe let your friends know as well that if she contacts them, not to let you know. Like that you're again protecting yourself and your own wellbeing. Do you think that might work? 

[Duckie]

10 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

In the past I have told her no over and over but she just messages me when phones me. Yep that is exactly what she thinks. I've tried that already she just doesn't listen 

How would you feel about telling her no one last time and notifying her that you will be blocking her? I remember you saying your friends are saying you should stop talking to her, but it also seems they get her messages when you don't talk to her. Maybe you could warn them that you are trying to cut ties with her, and that you don't want to hear anything from anyone about her trying to contact you. What do you think?

[Treacle 246]

34 minutes ago, Duckie said:

How would you feel about telling her no one last time and notifying her that you will be blocking her? I remember you saying your friends are saying you should stop talking to her, but it also seems they get her messages when you don't talk to her. Maybe you could warn them that you are trying to cut ties with her, and that you don't want to hear anything from anyone about her trying to contact you. What do you think?

I've tried that aswell but she Convinces me not to block her. I think I could try and do that but one of my friends literally tell her everything that I message them so it wouldn't go well 

[Duckie]

17 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

I've tried that aswell but she Convinces me not to block her. I think I could try and do that but one of my friends literally tell her everything that I message them so it wouldn't go well 

It sounds like you are getting a lot of conflicting messages about this girl. Some of your friends say you should stop talking to her and some of them seem to then change their minds once you do this. Is that fair to say? It sounds really complicated and it sounds like she really gets under your skin, which can be abusive, even though it might not feel like it. When she says she needs your help and that only you can help, what exactly does she need help with? Is it emotional or physical? And what does she want you to do? It sounds like you are subject to her emotional labour and it's not fair. Especially not when mutual friends get involved. Are they guilt tripping you to start communicating with her again?

[Treacle 246]

3 minutes ago, Duckie said:

It sounds like you are getting a lot of conflicting messages about this girl. Some of your friends say you should stop talking to her and some of them seem to then change their minds once you do this. Is that fair to say? It sounds really complicated and it sounds like she really gets under your skin, which can be abusive, even though it might not feel like it. When she says she needs your help and that only you can help, what exactly does she need help with? Is it emotional or physical? And what does she want you to do? It sounds like you are subject to her emotional labour and it's not fair. Especially not when mutual friends get involved. Are they guilt tripping you to start communicating with her again?

Yes that is fair to say. It is very complicated. I didn't know that this could be abusive. She mostly needs help with emotional. It's not fair. One of my friend is guilt tripping me into talking to her. 

[Duckie]

3 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

Yes that is fair to say. It is very complicated. I didn't know that this could be abusive. She mostly needs help with emotional. It's not fair. One of my friend is guilt tripping me into talking to her. 

Thing is, if you are left feeling drained and with a hopeless sensation that it doesn't matter what you say - she won't stop. Guilt tripping you and making you responsible for her life and well-being is not something you've ever asked to be, and it is not fair on one single person to be held to this. Why do you think this mutual friend sides with her? Do you think she understands the extent of how much this affects your life?

You are not responsible for her mental health. Because you've done nothing to make it that way. Sometimes holding on to people like this is like holding on to barbed wire. The wire causes damage, whether it wants to or not. Letting go will sting, but the pain will go away. How would you feel about also blocking people who try to guilt-trip you into going back to her? If talking to them about it first doesn't help that is.

 

[Treacle 246]

2 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Thing is, if you are left feeling drained and with a hopeless sensation that it doesn't matter what you say - she won't stop. Guilt tripping you and making you responsible for her life and well-being is not something you've ever asked to be, and it is not fair on one single person to be held to this. Why do you think this mutual friend sides with her? Do you think she understands the extent of how much this affects your life?

You are not responsible for her mental health. Because you've done nothing to make it that way. Sometimes holding on to people like this is like holding on to barbed wire. The wire causes damage, whether it wants to or not. Letting go will sting, but the pain will go away. How would you feel about also blocking people who try to guilt-trip you into going back to her? If talking to them about it first doesn't help that is.

The friend that is siding with her does know how shes making me feel. Thank you I just feel like it always my fault when she comes to me for help. I've done that before but they make another account and message me on there. I don't know what to do anymore. 

[Duckie]

5 minutes ago, Treacle 246 said:

The friend that is siding with her does know how shes making me feel. Thank you I just feel like it always my fault when she comes to me for help. I've done that before but they make another account and message me on there. I don't know what to do anymore. 

It sounds like this girl wants the feeling of power over you by guilt tripping you to jump when she says so. This is not a kind or considerate way of treating people. If your mutual friend agrees with this behaviour, then maybe she needs to go too... I mean you have so much kindness in your heart, but wouldn't you rather give that and your time and attention to someone who occasionally asks how you are and respects your boundaries? Have you considered making your social media profiles and such private? If you need assistance in how to turn your settings to private, let me know. But it would mean that once you tell them it's over and you block them, they can make new accounts all they want, but they won't be able to write to you. They seem very preoccupied with you to do this. It doesn't sound healthy to me. Why do you think they're so obsessed with you?

[Treacle 246]

45 minutes ago, Duckie said:

It sounds like this girl wants the feeling of power over you by guilt tripping you to jump when she says so. This is not a kind or considerate way of treating people. If your mutual friend agrees with this behaviour, then maybe she needs to go too... I mean you have so much kindness in your heart, but wouldn't you rather give that and your time and attention to someone who occasionally asks how you are and respects your boundaries? Have you considered making your social media profiles and such private? If you need assistance in how to turn your settings to private, let me know. But it would mean that once you tell them it's over and you block them, they can make new accounts all they want, but they won't be able to write to you. They seem very preoccupied with you to do this. It doesn't sound healthy to me. Why do you think they're so obsessed with you?

Sorry I'm replying late I was just emailing my school nurse to see if I could talk to her about this aswell.m when back at school if she is free. Thank you. Yeah I do that with my other friends. I've put all of my accounts on private. I've tried to block her once and she made like 10 accounts to message me. It's not healthy she's making me feel well not great. I don't know because she thinks I have all of the answers to her mental health my mum also thinks I need to cut ties with her because it's making me feel worse and I'm trying to get my mental health back to normal.