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I don't know why, but I can feel completely fine and then want to disappear. I don't necessarily want to die, and I honestly can't explain it. It's like I just want to sleep. I also recently found out that self harm isn't just cutting or hurting yourself. There are other forms.

I used to think I would never self harm, until I realized that I've done it all the time. At one point two years ago I almost cut myself but I just cried instead. (I used to also pick at my skin a lot and before that would pick at my lips and bite my cheek and other self-destructive habits. I try to break those habits and have successfully stopped doing most of them, although I rarely will pick at my skin still. This isn't the main sh I've done so I won't talk about it later, that's why I'm saying it now.)

I cry a lot. Almost every day. Sometimes they're happy tears or something more postive than negative, so I don't think it's that bad that I cry a lot, and it's a good stress reliever. I don't go to therapy or anything, but at the moment I'm looking for a therapist and I'm planning to get diagnosed with ADHD (unless the 1% chance that I don't have ADHD becomes reality, in which case I have a new problem) pretty soon.

I have this friend who plays soccer. Let's call her Ellie. Ellie has hurt her leg at least twice this school year and one of the times it was at school on a field day sort of thing. She's also really tall, and this happened because the rope snapped when two groups of students were playing tug of war. That day had been in a period of time where everything was kind of messy and I was really getting low. I remember that there was also this girl that everyone thought I liked and she spoke to me and had to be near me a bit that day and I was really uncomfortable and felt like standing up and just telling everyone that I didn't like her because she kept whispering with her friends and all that. Anyway, Ellie was hurt and she was crying and I couldn't help but think that I wished I'd gotten hurt, or yelled at, or something. Then I wanted to die so that everyone could just be happy and healthy even though that's not how it works.

I talked to my friend about this and immediately after I was in a class where we had free time and could just catch up on work (since that day was our field day/sports day) and that listed my mood a bit.

I'm just confused because I don't know what this is. I mean, I'm not constantly depressed and doing severe sh or anything but I'm also not fine..? I would probably never kill myself but then again it's complicated. I know there's people that love me and rely on me so I'll stay for them of course, but I can't begin to explain what I mean when I say that I feel like it won't be worth it in the future. The way I described feeling is gone now, but all the sudden I'm struggling with being a lesbian. How am I supposed to be okay feeling like I'll never be in a relationship or be loved (in a relationship)? Every time I date someone it ends with them saying that they don't see me as more than I friend or they never liked me and that's not even talking about how I'm falling for a straight girl or how I'm stressed about writing a book and my family life.

My life is so great, but is it really? Plenty of this was in the past, but is it effecting me now? I don't know how to fit everything into one post without it taking years to read.

Also about the self harm, I'll get into that in a reply or something, right now I have to do something and I don't want this to be too long.

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Abuse, Self-Harm, Trauma, Violence

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So, as I said earlier, I'm going to talk a bit about the first form of self harm that I've practiced. Basically, I had this best friend last year. One thing you must know is that I easily will fall for my best friends, and she happened to be bi, similarly to most of my best friends--they usually were bi, gay, pan, whatever--until right now, where it feels like everyone I speak to is straight and it makes me feel out of place.

Basically, this best friend, who I'll call Maria, and I became friends pretty fast. I began to really like talking to her, and then it started. Sometimes she would be in a good mood and this wouldn't happen, but most of the time she would do things like grab my shoulders to get me to go where she wanted, or have people vote on who was the prettiest in our friend group, and I wouldn't do anything about it. She was toxic, but I would defend her, and I even started holding out my arm for her to hit, encouraging her to get her anger out on me instead of others, etc. That made our whole friendship pretty toxic. I cried because of her a lot (not from pain, just emotional abuse and rejection). Over time, she got better, but it was still pretty bad. It was probably worst during the beginning of this year, and then got a bit better, but nothing really ever was okay again until summer, when we didn't see each other in person. We randomly stopped texting each other when school started. Basically, I knew it was bad and yet I defended her. At one point after school ended, a family member was upset with me and I held out my arm from habit of doing that for Maria.

If anyone has experienced something like I did, I'm so sorry, and if it's your situation right now, get help from someone and remove yourself from the situation.

Love you all and stay safeย :)

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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Suicide

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1 hour ago, MySchoolLesbianZ said:

I don't know why, but I can feel completely fine and then want to disappear. I don't necessarily want to die, and I honestly can't explain it. It's like I just want to sleep. I also recently found out that self harm isn't just cutting or hurting yourself. There are other forms.

I used to think I would never self harm, until I realized that I've done it all the time. At one point two years ago I almost cut myself but I just cried instead. (I used to also pick at my skin a lot and before that would pick at my lips and bite my cheek and other self-destructive habits. I try to break those habits and have successfully stopped doing most of them, although I rarely will pick at my skin still. This isn't the main sh I've done so I won't talk about it later, that's why I'm saying it now.)

I cry a lot. Almost every day. Sometimes they're happy tears or something more postive than negative, so I don't think it's that bad that I cry a lot, and it's a good stress reliever. I don't go to therapy or anything, but at the moment I'm looking for a therapist and I'm planning to get diagnosed with ADHD (unless the 1% chance that I don't have ADHD becomes reality, in which case I have a new problem) pretty soon.

I have this friend who plays soccer. Let's call her Ellie. Ellie has hurt her leg at least twice this school year and one of the times it was at school on a field day sort of thing. She's also really tall, and this happened because the rope snapped when two groups of students were playing tug of war. That day had been in a period of time where everything was kind of messy and I was really getting low. I remember that there was also this girl that everyone thought I liked and she spoke to me and had to be near me a bit that day and I was really uncomfortable and felt like standing up and just telling everyone that I didn't like her because she kept whispering with her friends and all that. Anyway, Ellie was hurt and she was crying and I couldn't help but think that I wished I'd gotten hurt, or yelled at, or something. Then I wanted to die so that everyone could just be happy and healthy even though that's not how it works.

I talked to my friend about this and immediately after I was in a class where we had free time and could just catch up on work (since that day was our field day/sports day) and that listed my mood a bit.

I'm just confused because I don't know what this is. I mean, I'm not constantly depressed and doing severe sh or anything but I'm also not fine..? I would probably never kill myself but then again it's complicated. I know there's people that love me and rely on me so I'll stay for them of course, but I can't begin to explain what I mean when I say that I feel like it won't be worth it in the future. The way I described feeling is gone now, but all the sudden I'm struggling with being a lesbian. How am I supposed to be okay feeling like I'll never be in a relationship or be loved (in a relationship)? Every time I date someone it ends with them saying that they don't see me as more than I friend or they never liked me and that's not even talking about how I'm falling for a straight girl or how I'm stressed about writing a book and my family life.

My life is so great, but is it really? Plenty of this was in the past, but is it effecting me now? I don't know how to fit everything into one post without it taking years to read.

Also about the self harm, I'll get into that in a reply or something, right now I have to do something and I don't want this to be too long.

Hey,

Thank you for sharing this with us. You've really explained this well and it's helped to understand what's going on for you. From what you've said, it seems like you're at a really low point and you're not sure where to go next or what to do to help yourself. It's reassuring the read that you have people that you want to stay for. I did see what you said about how you feel like it won't be worth it in the future if you did stay though, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that? Also, I'm wondering, have you shared what's going on for you with anyone else as well?ย 

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1 minute ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Thank you for sharing this with us. You've really explained this well and it's helped to understand what's going on for you. From what you've said, it seems like you're at a really low point and you're not sure where to go next or what to do to help yourself. It's reassuring the read that you have people that you want to stay for. I did see what you said about how you feel like it won't be worth it in the future if you did stay though, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that? Also, I'm wondering, have you shared what's going on for you with anyone else as well?ย 

Yes, I've told some people, but not in that much detail. When it gets really bad I make sure to tell a friend what happened or if I just need a hug.

There are a couple reasons why I don't know if it'll be worth it to stay. First of all, I really dislike where I live at the moment and my dream college is really far away. When I go, I'll be leaving behind my brothers, who will still be young and I won't see them grow to be past 12 years old, my possible girlfriend or partner, my family, and anyone I create a friendship with along the way. I'll be starting over while also leaving behind the people who I'm living for at the moment.

That's discouraging for obvious reasons, but the place I'm living is hot, not super LGBTQ+ accepting, not very inspiring, which is actually an issue and I'll tell you why, and overall feels lifeless and makes me feel trapped for some reason.

The reason that it being uninspiring is a problem is because I want to be an author. I want to go to a college that will help me maximize my ability to write and to bring out my artistic and creative side, and it feels like being here won't help with that. If I lived in a bigger city, then I could get ideas and inspiration from a lot of different things, which is important if it'll aid in me making a living for myself and having a career.

It's also very hot where I live, and I want to be somewhere really cold. Not Alaska cold, but somewhere where it'll at least snow on a decent basis during winter. I hate hot weather, so it'll be heavenly to finally move somewhere that gets really cold.

Those are some of the main things, and I tried to keep it lighthearted for this reply. This isn't the only reason but it's a big part of it.

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21 hours ago, MySchoolLesbianZ said:

Yes, I've told some people, but not in that much detail. When it gets really bad I make sure to tell a friend what happened or if I just need a hug.

There are a couple reasons why I don't know if it'll be worth it to stay. First of all, I really dislike where I live at the moment and my dream college is really far away. When I go, I'll be leaving behind my brothers, who will still be young and I won't see them grow to be past 12 years old, my possible girlfriend or partner, my family, and anyone I create a friendship with along the way. I'll be starting over while also leaving behind the people who I'm living for at the moment.

That's discouraging for obvious reasons, but the place I'm living is hot, not super LGBTQ+ accepting, not very inspiring, which is actually an issue and I'll tell you why, and overall feels lifeless and makes me feel trapped for some reason.

The reason that it being uninspiring is a problem is because I want to be an author. I want to go to a college that will help me maximize my ability to write and to bring out my artistic and creative side, and it feels like being here won't help with that. If I lived in a bigger city, then I could get ideas and inspiration from a lot of different things, which is important if it'll aid in me making a living for myself and having a career.

It's also very hot where I live, and I want to be somewhere really cold. Not Alaska cold, but somewhere where it'll at least snow on a decent basis during winter. I hate hot weather, so it'll be heavenly to finally move somewhere that gets really cold.

Those are some of the main things, and I tried to keep it lighthearted for this reply. This isn't the only reason but it's a big part of it.

Hey there,

From what you've said, it sounds like there might be fear around moving away from your support network and those who you're close with; is that fair to say? It's completely normal to have that feeling, and in a way, it's reassuring to recognise that you do have those people who you will miss if you do move away. However, moving away doesn't mean that the relationships will go away. In fact, from my own experiences of moving away, I actually became closer with those people from home who I was meant to. Also, just because you're away doesn't mean that the support network is gone as well. What do you think about that?

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28 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

From what you've said, it sounds like there might be fear around moving away from your support network and those who you're close with; is that fair to say? It's completely normal to have that feeling, and in a way, it's reassuring to recognise that you do have those people who you will miss if you do move away. However, moving away doesn't mean that the relationships will go away. In fact, from my own experiences of moving away, I actually became closer with those people from home who I was meant to. Also, just because you're away doesn't mean that the support network is gone as well. What do you think about that?

I think that's true, thanks.

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Yeah, totally. You can make it work, it might just require more effort, but it will be worth it :)

How are you feeling now? Would you like anymore support, or are you all good?

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I'm doing pretty well at the moment, though I'm sure that at some point in the (hopefully far) future that won't be true. But everyone struggles sometimes and I've learned how to figure that out over time.

Unknowingly I think I was doing a bit worse than I thought when I originally talked about all of this. It can be tough, but for now I'm actually pretty happy.

And I'm finally writing my book on a consistent basis and I'm really proud of what I've accomplished so far. I've written approximately 18 pages and just started the third chapter. (I started it around November 5th.)

So yeah, at least for now, I'm all good :)

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On 11/25/2022 at 6:12 PM, MySchoolLesbianZ said:

I'm doing pretty well at the moment, though I'm sure that at some point in the (hopefully far) future that won't be true. But everyone struggles sometimes and I've learned how to figure that out over time.

Unknowingly I think I was doing a bit worse than I thought when I originally talked about all of this. It can be tough, but for now I'm actually pretty happy.

And I'm finally writing my book on a consistent basis and I'm really proud of what I've accomplished so far. I've written approximately 18 pages and just started the third chapter. (I started it around November 5th.)

So yeah, at least for now, I'm all good :)

Hey there,

Yeah, exactly, everyone has ups and downs, and you figure out how to deal with it in your own way :)

I am glad to hear you're doing well now, and remember, if you do want to talk with us again, we are always here :)ย 

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