trigger warnings. Important update to last post

[Secretforme]

It has been awhile since I have last posted and I think it’s time I answer a few questions I’ve been asked about everything. 
for one I do not wish for any pity I do not deserve it nor do I want it this is for people to understand where I am coming from.

I’ve been asked if I’ve been through traumatic events and I want to say, I do not see what I went through as traumatic I see it as punishment for my actions in life.

I’ve also been asked when I started hearing voices and having hallucinations. And to answer that I’ve had them for as long as I can remember they have always been there but have gotten worse as I have 163 voices and hallucinations as of now. 
another question is why don’t I feel human. It’s very simple human beings have emotions compassion and it’s true I can feel something’s but compared to others I am simply not there I have done things in my life to try and find my humanity but have never found it, I’ve gotten into fights, I e don’t drugs, alcohol, sex with adults while being underage purely for my own benift, I’ve used people to feel quilt when I couldn’t feel it, I’ve harmed myself even though I dislike pain only to relize pain is not something that matters to me, I have in the past tried to end my life but I’ve come to realize that I’m doing so I would be giving in to my punishments and continue to suffer. I am not a human being and I never will be I have made peace with that fact.

I’ve been asked if I’ve been abused in my life and the short answer is not really, my biological dad sure he has issues but I would not call what he’s done abuse. So not really.

And for the last question I’ve been asked is if I’m on medication or in therapy and I want to specify by saying I used to be I no longer have insurance and I cannot afford it so as of right now I am not on medication or in therapy.

If you have any other questions I’d be glad to answer them as best as I can and please remember I do not want pity I do not deserve it or want it I just want to spread awareness of my life.

[Catsup]

1 hour ago, Secretforme said:

It has been awhile since I have last posted and I think it’s time I answer a few questions I’ve been asked about everything. 
for one I do not wish for any pity I do not deserve it nor do I want it this is for people to understand where I am coming from.

I’ve been asked if I’ve been through traumatic events and I want to say, I do not see what I went through as traumatic I see it as punishment for my actions in life.

I’ve also been asked when I started hearing voices and having hallucinations. And to answer that I’ve had them for as long as I can remember they have always been there but have gotten worse as I have 163 voices and hallucinations as of now. 
another question is why don’t I feel human. It’s very simple human beings have emotions compassion and it’s true I can feel something’s but compared to others I am simply not there I have done things in my life to try and find my humanity but have never found it, I’ve gotten into fights, I e don’t drugs, alcohol, sex with adults while being underage purely for my own benift, I’ve used people to feel quilt when I couldn’t feel it, I’ve harmed myself even though I dislike pain only to relize pain is not something that matters to me, I have in the past tried to end my life but I’ve come to realize that I’m doing so I would be giving in to my punishments and continue to suffer. I am not a human being and I never will be I have made peace with that fact.

I’ve been asked if I’ve been abused in my life and the short answer is not really, my biological dad sure he has issues but I would not call what he’s done abuse. So not really.

And for the last question I’ve been asked is if I’m on medication or in therapy and I want to specify by saying I used to be I no longer have insurance and I cannot afford it so as of right now I am not on medication or in therapy.

If you have any other questions I’d be glad to answer them as best as I can and please remember I do not want pity I do not deserve it or want it I just want to spread awareness of my life.

Hey, it sounds like you have a lot of awareness to spread about the different things you have dealt with.  I do have a question: How was your life when you were on medication and/or in therapy?  Did those things help?

With mental health, sometimes we experience symptoms in waves.  I would be curious to know: What has been the best part of your life, where things maybe felt more manageable?  And what has been the hardest phase for you?

Hope to hear from you soon, and thanks for sharing here about yourself.

[Secretforme]

While on medication I was more numb than I am now I was miserable but it made the people around me happy so I stayed on it. I wouldn’t say it helped as nothing really changed just more numbness.

I believe the only time I’ve felt manage le was when I was a child things were still new and I wasn’t aware of how inhuman I was. The hardest part of my life was starting Alcohol, drugs, getting addicted to sex and violence though everything I did was to feel some sort of emotion like someone else would feel.

[Catsup]

On 10/6/2023 at 4:11 PM, Secretforme said:

While on medication I was more numb than I am now I was miserable but it made the people around me happy so I stayed on it. I wouldn’t say it helped as nothing really changed just more numbness.

I believe the only time I’ve felt manage le was when I was a child things were still new and I wasn’t aware of how inhuman I was. The hardest part of my life was starting Alcohol, drugs, getting addicted to sex and violence though everything I did was to feel some sort of emotion like someone else would feel.

That's too bad that the medication that was supposed to help you, made you feel numb and worse.  That can definitely happen, particularly if it's not the right medicine for you. Did you have a lot of medication changes in the past to try to find something that helps?  I ask because it can be possible to treat mental health without feeling completely numb.  What do you think?

It really sticks out to me that you said you're not human.  What do you mean by that exactly?

I also just noticed what you said about being involved in things that you maybe shouldn't have as a child, and I want to let you know that when we are young, we don't have the judgement to agree to things in the ways adults can.  If you're okay with sharing, who were the people who exposed you to alcohol, drugs, sex, and violence?  Feel free to talk too on Confidential Support if that is more comfortable for you.

[Secretforme]

I have been on a lot of medications all usually making me feel the same way.

as for why I don’t see myself as human, human beings have complex emotions and compassion but I don’t feel that rather I feel a glimpse of what it could be. In return to try and feel these things I’ve pushed away humanity and began doing things that harmed not just me but others as well. If I can’t feel these emotions or anything I can’t be called  human it’s not fair to the pure of heart.

I got exposed through friends and their family’s. I started when I was  in 6th grade and only recently stopped drinking and doing drugs.

[Catsup]

20 hours ago, Secretforme said:

I have been on a lot of medications all usually making me feel the same way.

as for why I don’t see myself as human, human beings have complex emotions and compassion but I don’t feel that rather I feel a glimpse of what it could be. In return to try and feel these things I’ve pushed away humanity and began doing things that harmed not just me but others as well. If I can’t feel these emotions or anything I can’t be called  human it’s not fair to the pure of heart.

I got exposed through friends and their family’s. I started when I was  in 6th grade and only recently stopped drinking and doing drugs.

That must have been frustrating to have kept changing medications, and still not feeling well.  I know you mentioned that you don't have insurance and can't afford further help, but if there was the chance to return to any mental health professional, would you consider it to have someone to talk to and help sort things out?

I will let you know that even if you don't feel human, that doesn't mean you aren't.  All sorts of mental health conditions can lead you to the way you're feeling, and I wonder if you have been already been diagnosed with anything?  Sometimes too, we miss out on being diagnosed, and perhaps there is a further explanation for your feelings that hasn't been found yet.  Does that sound possible?

It sounds like some of the people around you growing up were not exactly supporting you or influencing you in a positive way.  That can get a lot of people into trouble.  How has your own family been with all this?

Sorry if these are a lot of questions, and I hope I am on the right track with some of my suggestions.  I'm interested to hear what you think about all this.

 

[Secretforme]

I would give it a chance again talking to someone has been what I’ve wanted for awhile just always has bad luck.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder as  well as depression, anxiety , and adhd. I had never told anyone until now about my feelings of being inhuman.

my family for the most part is in the dark they don’t know a whole lot they know I’m not well but my step dad and sister don’t believe it while my mom is my biggest supporter I just don’t talk to them a lot as my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I like answering questions it gives me a reason to talk to others.

 

[Catsup]

On 10/11/2023 at 11:43 AM, Secretforme said:

I would give it a chance again talking to someone has been what I’ve wanted for awhile just always has bad luck.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder as  well as depression, anxiety , and adhd. I had never told anyone until now about my feelings of being inhuman.

my family for the most part is in the dark they don’t know a whole lot they know I’m not well but my step dad and sister don’t believe it while my mom is my biggest supporter I just don’t talk to them a lot as my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I like answering questions it gives me a reason to talk to others.

Hey, sorry for the slow reply.  It sounds like your diagnosis could definitely be affecting how you're feeling.  I know you've made some efforts to find extra support.  Did you have any luck with that?

I'm very sorry to hear about your mom.  Would you consider reaching out to any of your family at all?  (It sounds like your mom would want to be there for you, but what do you think?)

If you do want to message on Confidential Support too with more information, I could try to help you with finding some help in your area, if that is something you would like.  I'm really glad to see you're reaching out here, your mental health is not something you should have to deal with alone.