Need some advice

[WhimsicalArtist]

My first post here, so I don't quite know how to navigate this site.

I was heavily cyberbullied several years ago because I would get into petty fights with a lot of people and generally acted like a jerk at times. I made a lot of enemies who made posts about me to exaggerate my shortcomings, spread lies about me, and even started a hate group against me. I even almost got doxxed, but thankfully I got the document that had my personal info taken down.

The whole ordeal has left me with severe anxiety and depression, I have intrusive thoughts almost every day of my life, I constantly question if I'm a good person or not, and I've even contemplated suicide before. 

I've been going to therapy and it's been helping me immensely, but I still struggle greatly with intrusive thoughts and I can't seem to stop them. I'm so paranoid that my former friends and people I've gotten into arguments with in the past are going to try to ruin my life.

[Duckie]

14 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

My first post here, so I don't quite know how to navigate this site.

I was heavily cyberbullied several years ago because I would get into petty fights with a lot of people and generally acted like a jerk at times. I made a lot of enemies who made posts about me to exaggerate my shortcomings, spread lies about me, and even started a hate group against me. I even almost got doxxed, but thankfully I got the document that had my personal info taken down.

The whole ordeal has left me with severe anxiety and depression, I have intrusive thoughts almost every day of my life, I constantly question if I'm a good person or not, and I've even contemplated suicide before. 

I've been going to therapy and it's been helping me immensely, but I still struggle greatly with intrusive thoughts and I can't seem to stop them. I'm so paranoid that my former friends and people I've gotten into arguments with in the past are going to try to ruin my life.

Hi @WhimsicalArtist

Welcome to Ditch the Label! My name is Duckie and I'm one of the support mentors. Nice to meet you!

It sounds like this experience has really left you feeling vulnerable and I appreciate you sharing this. We all make mistakes and sometimes we struggle to navigate growing up and regulating our moods etc. Doesn't make it the least bit right to start hate groups about you and all that. That sounds a thousand times worse than a few petty fights (that we've all had - let's face it). What is your level of contact with the people from your past? Are you still in school with them for example?

I'm happy therapy has been helpful for you. Are you able to talk to friends and family about your thoughts and what your concerns are?

[WhimsicalArtist]

Thank you. I made a lot of mistakes by picking petty fights with people and beating mean to them. I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues and trauma and I didn't know how to process it, and I ended up lashing out at people. I also couldn't go to therapy at this time which was even worse.

All of this happened online so no, they all blocked me. When I first found out about the hate group, I tried to apologize to them for my actions, but they all laughed at me and didn't take me seriously. I also recently tried to reach out to one of my former friends who was part of this hate group, but she told me to f**k off and said she didn't forgive me before blocking me. I haven't been in contact with any of my former friends other than that.

I've been talking with my friends about it and they've been helpful. My family doesn't know much about my online life and I don't want them to get involved, so I can't tell them about what's going on.

Edited January 29 by WhimsicalArtist

[Duckie]

8 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Thank you. I made a lot of mistakes by picking petty fights with people and beating mean to them. I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues and trauma and I didn't know how to process it, and I ended up lashing out at people. I also couldn't go to therapy at this time which was even worse.

All of this happened online so no, they all blocked me. When I first found out about the hate group, I tried to apologize to them for my actions, but they all laughed at me and didn't take me seriously. I also recently tried to reach out to one of my former friends who was part of this hate group, but she told me to f**k off and said she didn't forgive me before blocking me. I haven't been in contact with any of my former friends other than that.

I've been talking with my friends about it and they've been helpful. My family doesn't know much about my online life and I don't want them to get involved, so I can't tell them about what's going on.

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

I think we've all gone through this awkward phase in life where we are struggling to regulate our emotions and we type before we think. It really is a different experience talking to someone face to face and writing online. Things can so easily be blown out of proportion - and it sounds like this was also your only outlet at that time. Hurt people hurt as they say and maybe a part of you needed their social feedback, whether it was positive or negative.

It sounds like you have done everything you can to make this right again and that's excellent. You've acknowledged your part in this and apologised, but they might not have felt ready to accept it. This is on them, because you've done everything you can. But the fact that they blocked you might indicate that they are not as preoccupied with you as they used to be, and maybe this is a good thing. Because in order to make hate groups and whatnot, you would have to still be actively on their mind. That's what I'm thinking at least. What do you think?

I'm so happy you have found a way to reach out to your friends and tell them about this. I also understand why you have chosen to keep your parents out of this for now, as you want a certain distance between your real life and your online life. 

[WhimsicalArtist]

6 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

I think we've all gone through this awkward phase in life where we are struggling to regulate our emotions and we type before we think. It really is a different experience talking to someone face to face and writing online. Things can so easily be blown out of proportion - and it sounds like this was also your only outlet at that time. Hurt people hurt as they say and maybe a part of you needed their social feedback, whether it was positive or negative.

It sounds like you have done everything you can to make this right again and that's excellent. You've acknowledged your part in this and apologised, but they might not have felt ready to accept it. This is on them, because you've done everything you can. But the fact that they blocked you might indicate that they are not as preoccupied with you as they used to be, and maybe this is a good thing. Because in order to make hate groups and whatnot, you would have to still be actively on their mind. That's what I'm thinking at least. What do you think?

I'm so happy you have found a way to reach out to your friends and tell them about this. I also understand why you have chosen to keep your parents out of this for now, as you want a certain distance between your real life and your online life. 

Yeah, you're pretty much right. I was dealing with a lot of mental struggles at the time along with some bullying incidents in real life. Plus the site I was using had a lot of people who would constantly put themselves down, also got into a lot of drama, and even expressed suicidal thoughts. I think that I ended up internalizing all of that because of my own poor mental health and I was so desperate for social interaction. Of course that doesn't excuse how I acted, but I wish I had gotten help earlier. I also feel ashamed because this all happened during my early college years when I should've known better, but at the same time I also feel like some past trauma stunted me in a way.

I suppose that's true, but I'm so paranoid that they might still be talking about me even to this day. The last time I tried to reach out to one of my former friends was several months ago, that's the friend who said she doesn't forgive me. Plus there's the fact that one of them made a document with my personal information and posted it on the internet. Thankfully nobody seems to have cared, and I got it taken down, but I'm still afraid that they could do it again. I'm worried they could be stalking me and waiting for the right opportunity to spread more malicious lies about me. Of course I could quit social media, but a lot of my friends are there, plus the industry I work in requires making connections with others, so it's not as easy as it should be.

Thank you, and I really don't want my family to know about this. But I'm genuinely fearful for my life at times and I wish I could do more to make up for my past mistakes.

[Duckie]

4 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Yeah, you're pretty much right. I was dealing with a lot of mental struggles at the time along with some bullying incidents in real life. Plus the site I was using had a lot of people who would constantly put themselves down, also got into a lot of drama, and even expressed suicidal thoughts. I think that I ended up internalizing all of that because of my own poor mental health and I was so desperate for social interaction. Of course that doesn't excuse how I acted, but I wish I had gotten help earlier. I also feel ashamed because this all happened during my early college years when I should've known better, but at the same time I also feel like some past trauma stunted me in a way.

I suppose that's true, but I'm so paranoid that they might still be talking about me even to this day. The last time I tried to reach out to one of my former friends was several months ago, that's the friend who said she doesn't forgive me. Plus there's the fact that one of them made a document with my personal information and posted it on the internet. Thankfully nobody seems to have cared, and I got it taken down, but I'm still afraid that they could do it again. I'm worried they could be stalking me and waiting for the right opportunity to spread more malicious lies about me. Of course I could quit social media, but a lot of my friends are there, plus the industry I work in requires making connections with others, so it's not as easy as it should be.

Thank you, and I really don't want my family to know about this. But I'm genuinely fearful for my life at times and I wish I could do more to make up for my past mistakes.

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

It's very mindful of you to have taken the time to reflect on how your mental health, past bullying and your environment affected your behaviour at that time. When we are bullied we sometimes "unlearn" how to be kind and can end up speaking to people the way we've been spoken to - because we might have even be told at some point to "get over it" or "don't mind this person" or "they are having a hard time at home - try to ignore them". This can distort the impact the words had on you and how it will have an effect on others. Because if we can just "get over it", why can't they? Just thinking out loud out here... Do you see what I mean?

When was the last time you reached out to them? I know you reached out to one of your former friends several months ago, but when did the whole dramatic hate group incident happen? Have you considered making your social media accounts private just to make sure you can still use these, but not be contacted by people you aren't friends with? Have you ever been threatened by them? I know they leaked your details and I understand that must have been really frightening for you. When did this happen and do you know whom was responsible for it?

[WhimsicalArtist]

34 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

It's very mindful of you to have taken the time to reflect on how your mental health, past bullying and your environment affected your behaviour at that time. When we are bullied we sometimes "unlearn" how to be kind and can end up speaking to people the way we've been spoken to - because we might have even be told at some point to "get over it" or "don't mind this person" or "they are having a hard time at home - try to ignore them". This can distort the impact the words had on you and how it will have an effect on others. Because if we can just "get over it", why can't they? Just thinking out loud out here... Do you see what I mean?

When was the last time you reached out to them? I know you reached out to one of your former friends several months ago, but when did the whole dramatic hate group incident happen? Have you considered making your social media accounts private just to make sure you can still use these, but not be contacted by people you aren't friends with? Have you ever been threatened by them? I know they leaked your details and I understand that must have been really frightening for you. When did this happen and do you know whom was responsible for it?

Yeah, I think that might've happened to me as well. I was not only dealing with lots of trauma and mental health problems, but I was also dealing with being excluded and picked on in college, and I ended up treating others unkindly on the internet as a result. I took my anger out on others and treated them poorly. And I know what I went through isn't an excuse but I didn't have any other outlets at the time.

The hate group incident happened years ago, and I haven't been in touch with any of the people there aside from the one friend. I have considered making my accounts private, but I'm worried that will make me less likely to make connections and find a job. As for the details being leaked, this apparently happened a few years ago but I didn't notice the document until a few months ago, when I got it taken down. Thankfully nobody seems to have noticed or even cared about it. And I do have my suspicions on who could've made the document.

[Duckie]

13 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Yeah, I think that might've happened to me as well. I was not only dealing with lots of trauma and mental health problems, but I was also dealing with being excluded and picked on in college, and I ended up treating others unkindly on the internet as a result. I took my anger out on others and treated them poorly. And I know what I went through isn't an excuse but I didn't have any other outlets at the time.

The hate group incident happened years ago, and I haven't been in touch with any of the people there aside from the one friend. I have considered making my accounts private, but I'm worried that will make me less likely to make connections and find a job. As for the details being leaked, this apparently happened a few years ago but I didn't notice the document until a few months ago, when I got it taken down. Thankfully nobody seems to have noticed or even cared about it. And I do have my suspicions on who could've made the document.

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

I am happy you are able to see the perspective of how you acted and it seems to explain a lot of what was going on with you. I think a lot of people have done this, and it's all something we can learn from in a way.

It sounds like the people from your past might have forgotten about you altogether. What do you think of the likelihood that they have? If there is one person that you suspect have leaked your information in a the past - a ring leader so to speak. Are you aware of their wereabouts and what they are up to? I am asking this because it is worth blocking all people from this former group but also to see whether they are likely to still hold a grudge. What do you think? For example if they seem to have moved on with life (like doing well and thriving) chances are they might have left it all behind them.

[WhimsicalArtist]

4 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

I am happy you are able to see the perspective of how you acted and it seems to explain a lot of what was going on with you. I think a lot of people have done this, and it's all something we can learn from in a way.

It sounds like the people from your past might have forgotten about you altogether. What do you think of the likelihood that they have? If there is one person that you suspect have leaked your information in a the past - a ring leader so to speak. Are you aware of their wereabouts and what they are up to? I am asking this because it is worth blocking all people from this former group but also to see whether they are likely to still hold a grudge. What do you think? For example if they seem to have moved on with life (like doing well and thriving) chances are they might have left it all behind them.

Thank you, it's taken a lot of self-reflection and I wish I had gotten help earlier, but what matters is I did now.

I really hope you're right. I haven't seen any other attempts to slander my name so far. As for who I suspected leaked my information, I'm not aware of where they are or what they're up to, but I do know they have struggled with their home life and mental health way more than I have. I like to think that they're trying to move forward, but I'm constantly paranoid that they might crawl out of the woodwork one day to spread lies about me and ruin my life. Regardless, I've blocked every single one of them.

[Duckie]

2 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Thank you, it's taken a lot of self-reflection and I wish I had gotten help earlier, but what matters is I did now.

I really hope you're right. I haven't seen any other attempts to slander my name so far. As for who I suspected leaked my information, I'm not aware of where they are or what they're up to, but I do know they have struggled with their home life and mental health way more than I have. I like to think that they're trying to move forward, but I'm constantly paranoid that they might crawl out of the woodwork one day to spread lies about me and ruin my life. Regardless, I've blocked every single one of them.

I can tell you've really done some hard work on yourself and this is so big of you. Many people will either not do it at all or not recognise their rock bottom on time. Well done you 

I completely understand your fear considering it was quite recently that you found out about your doxxed information. Maybe the fact that no one seemed to care or do anything with this information is a sign that no one was ever going to go further than that. This was still out of line of course and it must have been really distressing for you to find. When was the last time you heard from this person or anyone else you think was "responsible" for the hate group and doxxing of information? You mentioned only really having spoken to one person from your past and that this was pretty undramatic (although upsetting that they didn't accept your apology of course). What about the rest of them?

[WhimsicalArtist]

4 hours ago, Duckie said:

I can tell you've really done some hard work on yourself and this is so big of you. Many people will either not do it at all or not recognise their rock bottom on time. Well done you 

I completely understand your fear considering it was quite recently that you found out about your doxxed information. Maybe the fact that no one seemed to care or do anything with this information is a sign that no one was ever going to go further than that. This was still out of line of course and it must have been really distressing for you to find. When was the last time you heard from this person or anyone else you think was "responsible" for the hate group and doxxing of information? You mentioned only really having spoken to one person from your past and that this was pretty undramatic (although upsetting that they didn't accept your apology of course). What about the rest of them?

Thank you. There have been times where I really doubted myself and my growth, and I've had relapses where I'll lash out if I feel stressed or disrespected, but I always apologize and do my best to change my behavior, and my friends have been extremely supportive.

I think you're right because the document apparently was made about 2 years ago and nobody seemed to have noticed or cared, and I haven't been able to find it anywhere else. It really was very distressing, but I count myself extremely lucky that it didn't go viral and that I was able to get it taken down.

It must've been several years ago that I last talked to any of these people, aside from the one friend I tried to reach out to. Last time I spoke with any of them was when I joined the hate group to apologize for my actions and ask for forgiveness, and they all laughed at me and didn't take me seriously. I have every single one of these people blocked and haven't been in contact with them ever since.

[Duckie]

11 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Thank you. There have been times where I really doubted myself and my growth, and I've had relapses where I'll lash out if I feel stressed or disrespected, but I always apologize and do my best to change my behavior, and my friends have been extremely supportive.

I think you're right because the document apparently was made about 2 years ago and nobody seemed to have noticed or cared, and I haven't been able to find it anywhere else. It really was very distressing, but I count myself extremely lucky that it didn't go viral and that I was able to get it taken down.

It must've been several years ago that I last talked to any of these people, aside from the one friend I tried to reach out to. Last time I spoke with any of them was when I joined the hate group to apologize for my actions and ask for forgiveness, and they all laughed at me and didn't take me seriously. I have every single one of these people blocked and haven't been in contact with them ever since.

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

How are you?

It's really good that you recognise your behaviours and take responsibility. I think we all lash out at times, but the important thing is that we then take a breath and apologise. A lot of people never actually learn to do any of the things that you are working so hard to do.  Many people will justify their feelings until the end of days rather than acknowledge when they've gone too far and make amends. You're doing really well.

I am thinking the people in this hate group were not able to forgive you back then, but now they might be able to see that you were brave in joining your own hate group just to properly apologise to them. They might even be a bit embarrassed by their own behaviour and for laughing at your apology. Maybe then the wound was still a bit too fresh (and a part of them might have enjoyed making the page as a revenge). But maybe you are actually even and they've moved on. It is in many ways positive that you have kept out of each other's lifes. Everyone grows up at some point 

[WhimsicalArtist]

52 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

How are you?

It's really good that you recognise your behaviours and take responsibility. I think we all lash out at times, but the important thing is that we then take a breath and apologise. A lot of people never actually learn to do any of the things that you are working so hard to do.  Many people will justify their feelings until the end of days rather than acknowledge when they've gone too far and make amends. You're doing really well.

I am thinking the people in this hate group were not able to forgive you back then, but now they might be able to see that you were brave in joining your own hate group just to properly apologise to them. They might even be a bit embarrassed by their own behaviour and for laughing at your apology. Maybe then the wound was still a bit too fresh (and a part of them might have enjoyed making the page as a revenge). But maybe you are actually even and they've moved on. It is in many ways positive that you have kept out of each other's lifes. Everyone grows up at some point 

I'm doing okay, thank you. I hope you're well too.

So I've heard. I'm always worried that I'm a horrible person for lashing out, but if other people are trying to justify it without apologizing, maybe I'm not that bad.

Thank you, but I highly doubt it. If one of my former friends still wasn't able to forgive me, I highly doubt anyone else in the hate group will too. I'm sure they all still have me blocked anyway. But that's not what I'm concerned about. What I'm worried about is if they've truly moved on, or if they're still out there spreading malicious lies about me and continuing the hate group. More importantly, I want to stop these intrusive thoughts about these people and my fears that they'll try to ruin my life one day.

[Duckie]

7 minutes ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

I'm doing okay, thank you. I hope you're well too.

So I've heard. I'm always worried that I'm a horrible person for lashing out, but if other people are trying to justify it without apologizing, maybe I'm not that bad.

Thank you, but I highly doubt it. If one of my former friends still wasn't able to forgive me, I highly doubt anyone else in the hate group will too. I'm sure they all still have me blocked anyway. But that's not what I'm concerned about. What I'm worried about is if they've truly moved on, or if they're still out there spreading malicious lies about me and continuing the hate group. More importantly, I want to stop these intrusive thoughts about these people and my fears that they'll try to ruin my life one day.

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

I'm good thank you for asking :)

Please don't worry about occassionally lashing out. We all do and we're not perfect. But apologising afterwards is actually huge because people will hold onto their beliefs even when they know deep down that they've gone too far. It is a minful skill to be able to look at yourself afterwards and allow yourself the space to reflect on why something triggered these feelings and how you would have liked to deal with them instead. This is the true meaning of growth and maturity. There really are people that never learn this, and it becomes a kind of self-sabotage to not be able to apologise or forgive.

The former group members might not even be in touch with each other anymore, is what I'm thinking. And if they're blocked you then there is probably a part of them that wish to move forward in life without you. Because by holding onto anger (and creating hate groups, doxxing information etc.) is a way to ensure the person you're angry with is still with you. Does that make sense? Because you can physically remove yourself from someone and feel a bit better, but mentally removing yourself from someone usually takes a bit more time and a bit more reflection. Maybe the years will have allowed that. What do you think?

How would they ruin your life? Like what is the worst thing you can imagine them saying about you?

[WhimsicalArtist]

9 hours ago, Duckie said:

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

I'm good thank you for asking :)

Please don't worry about occassionally lashing out. We all do and we're not perfect. But apologising afterwards is actually huge because people will hold onto their beliefs even when they know deep down that they've gone too far. It is a minful skill to be able to look at yourself afterwards and allow yourself the space to reflect on why something triggered these feelings and how you would have liked to deal with them instead. This is the true meaning of growth and maturity. There really are people that never learn this, and it becomes a kind of self-sabotage to not be able to apologise or forgive.

The former group members might not even be in touch with each other anymore, is what I'm thinking. And if they're blocked you then there is probably a part of them that wish to move forward in life without you. Because by holding onto anger (and creating hate groups, doxxing information etc.) is a way to ensure the person you're angry with is still with you. Does that make sense? Because you can physically remove yourself from someone and feel a bit better, but mentally removing yourself from someone usually takes a bit more time and a bit more reflection. Maybe the years will have allowed that. What do you think?

How would they ruin your life? Like what is the worst thing you can imagine them saying about you?

Thank you. It does seem that a lot of people don't know how to apologize or analyze their feelings after an outburst, so it's good to know I'm actually doing some growth. I still feel extremely guilty for these outbursts though, like I'm the only one who deserves to be punished for having outbursts.

I think that does make sense, and I hope you're right. Because if they're still tracking my every move and talking about me behind my back, I might not be able to sleep at night.

I'm worried that one day I'll be able to fully recovery from my mental health problems with a dream job and a good circle of friends, only for my former friends to find my real name and location, expose me for my past mistakes, and spread the lies that they so strongly believe. I'm scared that everything will come crashing down and my past will always haunt me.

[Duckie]

11 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Thank you. It does seem that a lot of people don't know how to apologize or analyze their feelings after an outburst, so it's good to know I'm actually doing some growth. I still feel extremely guilty for these outbursts though, like I'm the only one who deserves to be punished for having outbursts.

I think that does make sense, and I hope you're right. Because if they're still tracking my every move and talking about me behind my back, I might not be able to sleep at night.

I'm worried that one day I'll be able to fully recovery from my mental health problems with a dream job and a good circle of friends, only for my former friends to find my real name and location, expose me for my past mistakes, and spread the lies that they so strongly believe. I'm scared that everything will come crashing down and my past will always haunt me.

I think the guilt that comes with it is something that will settle in time. In a way it is good to feel a bit guilty, because it is part of taking responsibilty for your actions. But once you've apologised, does the guilty feeling tend to stay with you still?

I think stuff like this depends on where you are in life. You are all growing up and dealing with all sorts of things, so I think they will have moved on as bigger things and choices await them in life. If they have all blocked you, I wouldn't worry too much about them.

I see what you mean. You don't want your past to haunt you and sabotage future successes and relationships. I get that. But when it comes to these things I think people are a lot more forgiving than for someone who's committed a serious offence for example. Because by the end of the day you can still say that you have learned from your experiences, you've had therapy and lots of time to reflect on your choices. And you have done several attempts to apologise. I think it will be harder for the other party to justify making a hat group and doxxing your information - there is no excuse for this. Picking petty fights and making a few enemies is something many more people will be able to relate to. You've done all you can and you haven't done anything unforgiveable 

[WhimsicalArtist]

6 hours ago, Duckie said:

I think the guilt that comes with it is something that will settle in time. In a way it is good to feel a bit guilty, because it is part of taking responsibilty for your actions. But once you've apologised, does the guilty feeling tend to stay with you still?

I think stuff like this depends on where you are in life. You are all growing up and dealing with all sorts of things, so I think they will have moved on as bigger things and choices await them in life. If they have all blocked you, I wouldn't worry too much about them.

I see what you mean. You don't want your past to haunt you and sabotage future successes and relationships. I get that. But when it comes to these things I think people are a lot more forgiving than for someone who's committed a serious offence for example. Because by the end of the day you can still say that you have learned from your experiences, you've had therapy and lots of time to reflect on your choices. And you have done several attempts to apologise. I think it will be harder for the other party to justify making a hat group and doxxing your information - there is no excuse for this. Picking petty fights and making a few enemies is something many more people will be able to relate to. You've done all you can and you haven't done anything unforgiveable 

Sometimes it does, and for a long time too. I can't seem to move on from things like that.

This happened when I was in my early twenties, but I still hope that they've all moved on to bigger and better things.

I think I see what you're saying. I've seen plenty of people who have committed horrible crimes such as domestic abuse and child grooming, none of which I ever did. So I'm hoping people are more forgiving of my past mistakes if the worst I did was pick petty fights and make a few enemies. I'm still concerned about what would happen if they spread those lies about me, but I know my truth. And I don't see how anyone could justify doxxing and making hate groups like you said.

[Duckie]

17 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Sometimes it does, and for a long time too. I can't seem to move on from things like that.

This happened when I was in my early twenties, but I still hope that they've all moved on to bigger and better things.

I think I see what you're saying. I've seen plenty of people who have committed horrible crimes such as domestic abuse and child grooming, none of which I ever did. So I'm hoping people are more forgiving of my past mistakes if the worst I did was pick petty fights and make a few enemies. I'm still concerned about what would happen if they spread those lies about me, but I know my truth. And I don't see how anyone could justify doxxing and making hate groups like you said.

I completely understand that. You've had an experience when you were harshly criticised when trying to apologise. Is there a part of you that is afraid your apology won't be accepted when you apologise to people today?

How long ago did this happen? If you think of all the progress you've done since, do you think there is a possibility they might have done some as well?

The only thing they would have any kind of evidence for is the past arguments - and I think this will be easier to explain than it will be for them to explain doxxing info and making a hate group. Because that is calculated and could have put you in danger - there is no way to excuse that. I've been on both ends of petty arguments, but it doesn't make it right to delibaretly put me in danger just to feel powerful. So in that sense you have done something that is a result of growing up and not having enough support around you. You've lived and you've learned. People that get cancelled are people that have ruined lives or caused unimaginable pain and distress and that's not you 

 

[WhimsicalArtist]

8 hours ago, Duckie said:

I completely understand that. You've had an experience when you were harshly criticised when trying to apologise. Is there a part of you that is afraid your apology won't be accepted when you apologise to people today?

How long ago did this happen? If you think of all the progress you've done since, do you think there is a possibility they might have done some as well?

The only thing they would have any kind of evidence for is the past arguments - and I think this will be easier to explain than it will be for them to explain doxxing info and making a hate group. Because that is calculated and could have put you in danger - there is no way to excuse that. I've been on both ends of petty arguments, but it doesn't make it right to delibaretly put me in danger just to feel powerful. So in that sense you have done something that is a result of growing up and not having enough support around you. You've lived and you've learned. People that get cancelled are people that have ruined lives or caused unimaginable pain and distress and that's not you 

All the time, I'm always worried that my friends won't accept my apology if I do something wrong but I also find myself constantly apologizing for everything. Thankfully my friends are kind enough to forgive me for my mistakes but I can't stop feeling guilt.

This happened maybe 3-5 years ago. I really hope they moved on.

I suppose you're right. I'm mostly worried that they'll start spreading rumors about me being an abuser or enabling groomers with out-of-context screenshots. But the truth is I never abused anyone and I have always been vehemently against groomers. I was gaslighted and manipulated by friends who turned out to be groomers who emotionally abused me into keeping quiet about what they were doing, but for some reason my former friend who I suspect made that document believes that I actually enabled them. But like I said before, I know the truth of the situation and what I've been through.

I'm glad to hear that. I think the whole concept of cancel culture really messed me up in the long run because instead of just talking to me about their issues and bringing them up in private, they've tried to publicly ruin my life when I didn't even know what I was doing wrong.

[WhimsicalArtist]

Just checking in, I'm sorry if I said anything wrong. I'm new to this site and I don't want to offend.

[Luie]

11 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Just checking in, I'm sorry if I said anything wrong. I'm new to this site and I don't want to offend.

Heyy @WhimsicalArtist, I am Luie, one of the other support mentors, you have not offended anyone, @Duckie does not work on Saturdays, she will be back online in the evening and will respond to you then, if you are comfortable for me to jump in, please do let me know 

[WhimsicalArtist]

6 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @WhimsicalArtist, I am Luie, one of the other support mentors, you have not offended anyone, @Duckie does not work on Saturdays, she will be back online in the evening and will respond to you then, if you are comfortable for me to jump in, please do let me know 

Nice to meet you, Luie. Thanks for letting me know, just got nervous and thought I said something wrong.

Sure, only if you want to.

[Duckie]

2 hours ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Nice to meet you, Luie. Thanks for letting me know, just got nervous and thought I said something wrong.

Sure, only if you want to.

Hello @WhimsicalArtist,

How are you doing? 

Bless you dear. You have absolutely not said anything wrong in the slightest. It's good to hear from you. 

On 2/2/2024 at 8:18 PM, WhimsicalArtist said:

All the time, I'm always worried that my friends won't accept my apology if I do something wrong but I also find myself constantly apologizing for everything. Thankfully my friends are kind enough to forgive me for my mistakes but I can't stop feeling guilt.

This happened maybe 3-5 years ago. I really hope they moved on.

I suppose you're right. I'm mostly worried that they'll start spreading rumors about me being an abuser or enabling groomers with out-of-context screenshots. But the truth is I never abused anyone and I have always been vehemently against groomers. I was gaslighted and manipulated by friends who turned out to be groomers who emotionally abused me into keeping quiet about what they were doing, but for some reason my former friend who I suspect made that document believes that I actually enabled them. But like I said before, I know the truth of the situation and what I've been through.

I'm glad to hear that. I think the whole concept of cancel culture really messed me up in the long run because instead of just talking to me about their issues and bringing them up in private, they've tried to publicly ruin my life when I didn't even know what I was doing wrong.

It's no wonder a part of you is afraid they won't accept your apology. It's good that you are being so open with them and that your friends are kind and decent to you to forgive and for supporting you. Have you ever told them what's happened to you in the past and how this might sometimes affect your mood and self-esteem?

This is a long time to not hear from someone. It does sound likely that they will have moved on. What do you think?

That sounds really serious. Did they ever put a child or young person in danger? Did you tell someone about what happened? Part of that kind of abuse is of course to bully people into silence and this is not the same as enabling someone. May I ask what they did? No pressure if you don't want to answer. 

I completely get that. Cancel culture has been for the good and the bad, because it is making people responsible for atrocious crimes and hurtful act finally be spoken up against. But it sometimes leads to that fear of being exposed from people that knows they haven't got a spot free reputation. This is of course not comparable to ruining someone's life 

 

[WhimsicalArtist]

27 minutes ago, Duckie said:

Hello @WhimsicalArtist,

How are you doing? 

Bless you dear. You have absolutely not said anything wrong in the slightest. It's good to hear from you. 

It's no wonder a part of you is afraid they won't accept your apology. It's good that you are being so open with them and that your friends are kind and decent to you to forgive and for supporting you. Have you ever told them what's happened to you in the past and how this might sometimes affect your mood and self-esteem?

This is a long time to not hear from someone. It does sound likely that they will have moved on. What do you think?

That sounds really serious. Did they ever put a child or young person in danger? Did you tell someone about what happened? Part of that kind of abuse is of course to bully people into silence and this is not the same as enabling someone. May I ask what they did? No pressure if you don't want to answer. 

I completely get that. Cancel culture has been for the good and the bad, because it is making people responsible for atrocious crimes and hurtful act finally be spoken up against. But it sometimes leads to that fear of being exposed from people that knows they haven't got a spot free reputation. This is of course not comparable to ruining someone's life 

Thank you, I'm doing well, I hope you're doing the same. I didn't realize you don't work on Saturdays, so I'll keep that in mind for the future. Sorry for bothering you.

Yes, I have told them about what happened, and thankfully they've been really supportive. But I still feel very anxious and moody about everything I've been through.

I hope so, but I know some people can hold grudges for a very, very long time. 

As far as I know, the worst that happened was two guys in their 30s tried to flirt with a 16/17-year-old girl on Discord and one of them even started dating her. I confronted both of them about it and told them that this relationship was wrong and they need to find women their own age to date, and they proceeded to take advantage of my very poor mental health and desperate need for connection at the time by emotionally manipulating me and saying things like "she's of legal age in her country," "it's better for her to date an older nice guy than a guy her age who would abuse her," "if you were really her friend you would be happy for her," and they basically manipulated me into shutting up about it. Looking back I probably could've done more about the situation but I was in a very dark place and very mentally ill at the time. Not to mention all these people were located in different countries from me. Last I heard they all went their separate ways, so that's good I guess.

Yeah, what makes me really upset is that there are people who commit actual crimes and heinous acts who basically get away with their actions, yet I'm constantly living in fear for doing much worse, and I don't know what to do about it. My intrusive thoughts are making it really hard for me to function and I don't know how to stop them.

[Duckie]

7 minutes ago, WhimsicalArtist said:

Thank you, I'm doing well, I hope you're doing the same. I didn't realize you don't work on Saturdays, so I'll keep that in mind for the future. Sorry for bothering you.

Yes, I have told them about what happened, and thankfully they've been really supportive. But I still feel very anxious and moody about everything I've been through.

I hope so, but I know some people can hold grudges for a very, very long time. 

As far as I know, the worst that happened was two guys in their 30s tried to flirt with a 16/17-year-old girl on Discord and one of them even started dating her. I confronted both of them about it and told them that this relationship was wrong and they need to find women their own age to date, and they proceeded to take advantage of my very poor mental health and desperate need for connection at the time by emotionally manipulating me and saying things like "she's of legal age in her country," "it's better for her to date an older nice guy than a guy her age who would abuse her," "if you were really her friend you would be happy for her," and they basically manipulated me into shutting up about it. Looking back I probably could've done more about the situation but I was in a very dark place and very mentally ill at the time. Not to mention all these people were located in different countries from me. Last I heard they all went their separate ways, so that's good I guess.

Yeah, what makes me really upset is that there are people who commit actual crimes and heinous acts who basically get away with their actions, yet I'm constantly living in fear for doing much worse, and I don't know what to do about it. My intrusive thoughts are making it really hard for me to function and I don't know how to stop them.

Hi @WhimsicalArtist,

No worries at all. You couldn't possibly know that I don't work on Saturdays and you are not bothering me in the slightest hon  I will probably add my working hours on my profile at some stage as this happens every so often, so that's something I am bearing in mind.

I know you said you've been to therapy and all. Did you get a chance to discuss everything you went through and how it has left you feeling guilty and anxious after a disagreement?

That is true. Some people can hold grudges for a long time. They might still do at the mentioning of your name, but they might not keep you fresh in mind after all these years.

It sounds like you did everything you could in informing these guys that what they were doing was wrong. Unfortunately they chose not to listen (most likely making excuses for their own horrible behaviour) and convincing you to keep quiet. This is typical predator behaviour of them, because thye exploited that you weren't strong enough to stand your ground - they saw this, but still chose to shut you down. That is on them, not on you. I am happy they all went their seperate ways. Even if they didn't, that doesn't make you an enabler of grooming  You tried your best at your best capacity.

Would you say these events are still with you? The trauma of having been publically chastised and  riddiculed? It sounds like it might have been quite traumatic for you. Have you been able to discuss these events with a mental health professional?