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This topic contains content which has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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Emberfrost12
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3 hours ago, Lila said:

Totally get it, I have felt like that before, however, at some point, I realized it was not fair to treat me this way or even compare me to others when we all are so different in so many aspects, and would you mind if I ask what is  for you normal? or enough? on what you refer to in the comment) honestly, I don't think that the majority of us at this age knows what to do, or feel accomplished or complete in a (or any) way, there are so many questions and preoccupations of growing up, but being hard with ourselves... Does it really help it?

I think small steps on the hobby or ability you want to develop and *acknowledging* them is a good place to start, making it easier for you like; "I want to learn how to bake so I´ll make a dessert with my favorite fruit and will put some music and will share it afterward with the ones I love". Even if it isn´t something huge allow yourself to congratulate yourself for example "ok I didn´t get to bake or make the dessert today but I created this gorgeous Pinterest board about recipes I could try" and know that you are all right, enough and loved.

...What do you think you could do to improve your relationship with yourself? I´m here if you need to talk. I´m not the best with advice and actually no one to give advice but I wanted to let you know that I understand that feeling and it´s okay 

That was actually really good advice, thank you :)

My normal is kind of 'weird, open, 80s, and queer' Which really confuses some people :)

I'll try that, thx

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On 9/21/2022 at 8:38 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Ok, that makes sense

I've tried multiple things, including reading, but every time I get distracted from it, I imagine a horrible outcome for the book. And If I try to distract myself, it feels...unfinished, like If I keep waiting, it'll just get worse

This might sound a bit strange but do you have a "happy place" you can go to. It takes a bit of practice but basically you imagine what your happy place would be - and it can be anything. For some it might be an island, for others it's the moon, an adventure park, anywhere you want really that you feel good about. And you try and imagine what it would look like, what sounds there might be, what smells etc. Ideally you would imagine this happy place every day so you get really used to imagining it. And then the next time when you start thinking about these horrible scenarios you can see if you can stop it by imagining your happy place instead. Do you think that might work? 

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7 hours ago, Aurora said:

This might sound a bit strange but do you have a "happy place" you can go to. It takes a bit of practice but basically you imagine what your happy place would be - and it can be anything. For some it might be an island, for others it's the moon, an adventure park, anywhere you want really that you feel good about. And you try and imagine what it would look like, what sounds there might be, what smells etc. Ideally you would imagine this happy place every day so you get really used to imagining it. And then the next time when you start thinking about these horrible scenarios you can see if you can stop it by imagining your happy place instead. Do you think that might work? 

I don't, but I'll try creating one. I'll tell you how that goes :)

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16 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Its been working!!! Thanks

I'm so glad it's been working 😀!!

I'm sorry I'm only getting back to you now. I'm not online over the weekend. Do you still get those thoughts that you feel you're not enough? If you do, we can look at how you can change these unhelpful thoughts into more helpful thoughts if you like. Next time you have a thought like that, would you mind noting it down and sharing it with me? 

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8 hours ago, Aurora said:

I'm so glad it's been working 😀!!

I'm sorry I'm only getting back to you now. I'm not online over the weekend. Do you still get those thoughts that you feel you're not enough? If you do, we can look at how you can change these unhelpful thoughts into more helpful thoughts if you like. Next time you have a thought like that, would you mind noting it down and sharing it with me? 

It's fine, I would've commented repetitively if I was in need of a reply (After 24 hours, I'll randomly post to get someone to notice)

Kind of. Just basic 'haha, you suck' kind of thoughts. They don't bother me as much anymore....If i get an especially bad one (or two), I'll let you know

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17 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

It's fine, I would've commented repetitively if I was in need of a reply (After 24 hours, I'll randomly post to get someone to notice)

Kind of. Just basic 'haha, you suck' kind of thoughts. They don't bother me as much anymore....If i get an especially bad one (or two), I'll let you know

That's good to know 😀

Please do. We're always here for you

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So, last night was rough. I tried to read to distract myself from myself, but the scenarios kept overriding. I tried music, which ALWAYS works, but it didn't work either. Eventually I texted my friends, at about 11:30, and they made me do a logic puzzle, which was good, and I also found my pocketknife, so I feel more secure and I'm keeping it on me.

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1 hour ago, Emberfrost12 said:

So, last night was rough. I tried to read to distract myself from myself, but the scenarios kept overriding. I tried music, which ALWAYS works, but it didn't work either. Eventually I texted my friends, at about 11:30, and they made me do a logic puzzle, which was good, and I also found my pocketknife, so I feel more secure and I'm keeping it on me.

Hey! I realise I'm jumping in and may have missed some context in your chats with Aurora but I'm concerned about the pocket knife (I would hate for you or someone else to get hurt or for you get in trouble).

 

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38 minutes ago, Blondie said:

Hey! I realise I'm jumping in and may have missed some context in your chats with Aurora but I'm concerned about the pocket knife (I would hate for you or someone else to get hurt or for you get in trouble).

I don't think it's something to be concerned about; I'm fine in the self-harm area, and i would sooner get in a fist fight with my friends than pull it out on someone without them bringing out a weapon first

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18 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I don't think it's something to be concerned about; I'm fine in the self-harm area, and i would sooner get in a fist fight with my friends than pull it out on someone without them bringing out a weapon first

Hi there, I'm back online. I'm wondering why the pocketknife is making you feel more secure? What is it about the pocketknife and could you get the sense of security from anything else? Also, do you feel unsafe when you are out and about? The reason why I'm asking this, is because I do share Blondie's concern and I would hate it for anyone to get hurt or for you to get into trouble. 

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6 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, I'm back online. I'm wondering why the pocketknife is making you feel more secure? What is it about the pocketknife and could you get the sense of security from anything else? Also, do you feel unsafe when you are out and about? The reason why I'm asking this, is because I do share Blondie's concern and I would hate it for anyone to get hurt or for you to get into trouble. 





I think it’s because in most of the scenarios where i die (around half of them), it increases my chances of survival by a lot, so carrying it around makes me feel like I’ll be able to handle it if someone attacks me. 

I don’t think i could get the same security from anything else

Yes, i think so, anyway. I tense up a little bit when I’m on my own, even inside my school, and things run through my mind before i do certain things, for example, before/while crossing a road, i imagine a car suddenly speeding towards me and me having to make the decision of what to do. I don’t react as if its actually happening though. 

I don’t think you have to worry about me getting in trouble, as it stays in my pocket and only my really close friends know about it. It’s also pretty small, so it’s not obvious at all

So, with the knife, I have very concrete rules around it, which are essentially:

1. Don’t pull it out at all unless I have to

2. A fistfight stays a fistfight, and I can only bring it out during one if I’m likely going to die, there’s no other choice/no one else around or within earshot, or they’re planning on killing me or my friends

3. I can’t pull it out unless someone else pulls out a weapon that poses equal or superior danger (for example, if someone grabs a thumbtack, no knife. If someone brings out a switchblade, yes knife)

Another thing, i found out that my thoughts usually slow down if one of my senses is taken away. Like, if I can’t see, I’m really calm, but if there is even a hint of life, i start freaking out again, and if I’m listening to music, i relax, but the moment i hear something that isn’t part of the music, i panic. 

Last thing, I figure that this probably relates, so, whenever i turn in a assignment, get an assignment back, show something i made to someone, or anything else like that, my heartbeat/breathing really speed up.

 

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20 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I think it’s because in most of the scenarios where i die (around half of them), it increases my chances of survival by a lot, so carrying it around makes me feel like I’ll be able to handle it if someone attacks me. 

I don’t think i could get the same security from anything else

Yes, i think so, anyway. I tense up a little bit when I’m on my own, even inside my school, and things run through my mind before i do certain things, for example, before/while crossing a road, i imagine a car suddenly speeding towards me and me having to make the decision of what to do. I don’t react as if its actually happening though. 

I don’t think you have to worry about me getting in trouble, as it stays in my pocket and only my really close friends know about it. It’s also pretty small, so it’s not obvious at all

So, with the knife, I have very concrete rules around it, which are essentially:

1. Don’t pull it out at all unless I have to

2. A fistfight stays a fistfight, and I can only bring it out during one if I’m likely going to die, there’s no other choice/no one else around or within earshot, or they’re planning on killing me or my friends

3. I can’t pull it out unless someone else pulls out a weapon that poses equal or superior danger (for example, if someone grabs a thumbtack, no knife. If someone brings out a switchblade, yes knife)

Another thing, i found out that my thoughts usually slow down if one of my senses is taken away. Like, if I can’t see, I’m really calm, but if there is even a hint of life, i start freaking out again, and if I’m listening to music, i relax, but the moment i hear something that isn’t part of the music, i panic. 

Last thing, I figure that this probably relates, so, whenever i turn in a assignment, get an assignment back, show something i made to someone, or anything else like that, my heartbeat/breathing really speed up.

Hey there,

It's interesting that the knife gives you that security. I'm wondering, what could potentially happen if you were found to have it on you? What sort of trouble could you get into? 

Also, I'm curious to know, can you tell me about a time that you've felt safe without having it on you? 

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5 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

It's interesting that the knife gives you that security. I'm wondering, what could potentially happen if you were found to have it on you? What sort of trouble could you get into? 

Also, I'm curious to know, can you tell me about a time that you've felt safe without having it on you? 

If it's found by my mom, she'll probably get INCREDIBLY mad, but I think she's the last person that would notice. If my dad found out, he'd just be disappointed. If my teachers found out, they would probably take it, give me a 'why do you have this', and say that they'd give it back at the end of the day and to not bring it again.

With my friends, in my craft area, and in construction class are the times when I feel safe. Also, when I have my hearing or vision completely blocked

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9 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

If it's found by my mom, she'll probably get INCREDIBLY mad, but I think she's the last person that would notice. If my dad found out, he'd just be disappointed. If my teachers found out, they would probably take it, give me a 'why do you have this', and say that they'd give it back at the end of the day and to not bring it again.

With my friends, in my craft area, and in construction class are the times when I feel safe. Also, when I have my hearing or vision completely blocked

Hey,

I know from my experience of working with schools that they take this very seriously. If a student is found to have any kind of potential weapon with them, it can cause issues and lead to serious consequences, such as being suspended or even expelled. What do you think about that?

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10 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

I know from my experience of working with schools that they take this very seriously. If a student is found to have any kind of potential weapon with them, it can cause issues and lead to serious consequences, such as being suspended or even expelled. What do you think about that?

I looked up the actual rules, and it's essentially saying that I could get expelled or suspended at my teacher's discretion.

In other words, I need to figure out how to feel less like I'm going to die in the immediate future so that I don't have to have my knife on me in the first place.  

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16 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I looked up the actual rules, and it's essentially saying that I could get expelled or suspended at my teacher's discretion.

In other words, I need to figure out how to feel less like I'm going to die in the immediate future so that I don't have to have my knife on me in the first place.  

 

Hi there, 

Thank you for being so open with us. I’m glad you feel like you can share these kinds of things with us. I think you’ve made a really good point there about changing your thought patterns so you feel safe. 

I understand that you have certain rules regarding your pocket knife and that it gives you a sense of security. However, having a pocket knife on you, doesn’t make you more safe. In fact, it makes you and others around you less safe. Let’s just say you came across a situation where you felt like you were under threat and you got your pocket knife out, this will increase the chances of you or someone else being hurt a lot. And as you said, there is also the chance of you being suspended or expelled from school if anyone found out.  

As we talked about before, some of the things you’ve been describing sound like you might have anxiety. The thing with anxiety is, is that it often affects our body, our thoughts and our emotions. And because of this, we often think that a situation is dangerous or there is a threat when there isn’t really one. There are three ways how humans react to danger: fight, flight or freeze and this is how we react when we are anxious. We might run away or try to avoid the situation. We might freeze and not be able to do anything. Or we might get angry and lash out at people. When we get angry, we often don’t think clearly and things can escalate. And we don’t always know how we will react. Does this make sense? And can you see any danger in carrying a pocket knife with you? 

 

 

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9 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, 

Thank you for being so open with us. I’m glad you feel like you can share these kinds of things with us. I think you’ve made a really good point there about changing your thought patterns so you feel safe. 

I understand that you have certain rules regarding your pocket knife and that it gives you a sense of security. However, having a pocket knife on you, doesn’t make you more safe. In fact, it makes you and others around you less safe. Let’s just say you came across a situation where you felt like you were under threat and you got your pocket knife out, this will increase the chances of you or someone else being hurt a lot. And as you said, there is also the chance of you being suspended or expelled from school if anyone found out.  

As we talked about before, some of the things you’ve been describing sound like you might have anxiety. The thing with anxiety is, is that it often affects our body, our thoughts and our emotions. And because of this, we often think that a situation is dangerous or there is a threat when there isn’t really one. There are three ways how humans react to danger: fight, flight or freeze and this is how we react when we are anxious. We might run away or try to avoid the situation. We might freeze and not be able to do anything. Or we might get angry and lash out at people. When we get angry, we often don’t think clearly and things can escalate. And we don’t always know how we will react. Does this make sense? And can you see any danger in carrying a pocket knife with you? 

Ok, thank you for that. I decided to not have it today, and I still feel crappy, but i don't think it really helped anyway, as my thoughts just drifted to other possibilities.

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14 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Ok, thank you for that. I decided to not have it today, and I still feel crappy, but i don't think it really helped anyway, as my thoughts just drifted to other possibilities.

I'm glad to hear you decided not to have it on you today. From what you are saying it sounds like it's your thoughts that are making you feel unsafe and unsettled. I think you're right, it's about finding a way to change the thoughts/feelings you've been getting. There are some techniques that can help you do this. I can tell you about these on here if you  like. However, it might be more effective if you can see a counsellor, who can support you through this. How would you feel about seeing a counsellor and is there eg a counsellor at your school, who you could see? 

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6 hours ago, Aurora said:

I'm glad to hear you decided not to have it on you today. From what you are saying it sounds like it's your thoughts that are making you feel unsafe and unsettled. I think you're right, it's about finding a way to change the thoughts/feelings you've been getting. There are some techniques that can help you do this. I can tell you about these on here if you  like. However, it might be more effective if you can see a counsellor, who can support you through this. How would you feel about seeing a counsellor and is there eg a counsellor at your school, who you could see? 

I can try to see the school councillor tomorrow

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18 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I can try to see the school councillor tomorrow

Have you seen the school counsellor before? I know it can feel like a big step to ask for support. Thank you for being so open about everything that has been on your mind. I get the sense that you really want to change these thoughts you've been having and you're being really proactive about it. In my experience school counsellors can be really helpful in these situations and provide a safe space to work though anxiety. Let me know how you get on. And please know that we are also always here for you if you would like any additional support. 

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