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Emberfrost12
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I hate this. I’m good at math, but never the best. Good at writing, but i get overlooked. Strong, but not strong enough, fast but not fast enough. I’m almost always honest, but not honest enough. I’m good at art, but still not enough. People like me but I’m no one’s favorite, and I’m a good friend, but rarely someone’s best friend. Hell, I’m not sad, but I’m rarely happy and people sometimes tell me they think I’m insane because I’m so suddenly hyper or tired, or they just think I’m insane when I’m being normal. I just say i think I’m broken, and i pretty much believe it. Not only that, but every one of those things change, but I’m still never the best.  I just want to be the best at something. I want stability. I want to be okay in other people’s eyes. I also want to be able to close my eyes without thinking about death or to go to sleep without being afraid of my nightmares. Where did I go wrong to end up like this? How do i fix this? I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough (for both myself and other people) and I’ll never be able to have normal highs and lows, or even emotions.

 

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Hun I feel ya. I tell myself the same thing. But, when I opened my eyes to see that the other kids my age are just complete jerks no matter what, I stopped trying to impress them so much. Nowadays I sit alone, with my music on and I continue to be myself by myself. So this last month I have been just sitting in my room and I burn all of the hateful words people have said to me. I stopped doing that once I started school.

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Just now, Non-Binary Person Here said:

Hun I feel ya. I tell myself the same thing. But, when I opened my eyes to see that the other kids my age are just complete jerks no matter what, I stopped trying to impress them so much. Nowadays I sit alone, with my music on and I continue to be myself by myself. So this last month I have been just sitting in my room and I burn all of the hateful words people have said to me. I stopped doing that once I started school.

But some people are actually good people, and then I'm jealous at them for their skills, which really isn't fair, and then I just think about how unskilled I am. 

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Just now, Non-Binary Person Here said:

Hun Trust me I know. I'm a senior in high school. I always feel jealous of those skinny girls who can get guys, good grades, look pretty, and are good at all kinds of sports.

What do you do about the jealousy?

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  • Digital Mentor
8 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I hate this. I’m good at math, but never the best. Good at writing, but i get overlooked. Strong, but not strong enough, fast but not fast enough. I’m almost always honest, but not honest enough. I’m good at art, but still not enough. People like me but I’m no one’s favorite, and I’m a good friend, but rarely someone’s best friend. Hell, I’m not sad, but I’m rarely happy and people sometimes tell me they think I’m insane because I’m so suddenly hyper or tired, or they just think I’m insane when I’m being normal. I just say i think I’m broken, and i pretty much believe it. Not only that, but every one of those things change, but I’m still never the best.  I just want to be the best at something. I want stability. I want to be okay in other people’s eyes. I also want to be able to close my eyes without thinking about death or to go to sleep without being afraid of my nightmares. Where did I go wrong to end up like this? How do i fix this? I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough (for both myself and other people) and I’ll never be able to have normal highs and lows, or even emotions.

Hey @Emberfrost12

Thank you for sharing this with us. 

From what you've said, it sounds like overall, you feel like you're not enough, and that you also feel other people around you think this. You are being quite hard on yourself, and I'm wondering, how come? Does it have to be like this for you?

Also, I noticed what you said about closing your eyes and thinking about death. Can you tell me more about that? 

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

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10 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Emberfrost12

Thank you for sharing this with us. 

From what you've said, it sounds like overall, you feel like you're not enough, and that you also feel other people around you think this. You are being quite hard on yourself, and I'm wondering, how come? Does it have to be like this for you?

Also, I noticed what you said about closing your eyes and thinking about death. Can you tell me more about that? 

 

Thanks for replying, Monsoon. 

I’m not quite sure why. I think it may be that I don’t think I’ll ever be successful? I’m only thirteen, but I’m still really worried about if I’m going to get a good job and go to a good university. I’m excessively real with myself. I killed my dreams of being an actor, and being an artist, because i know that i have no connections that would ever let me have an opportunity. 

It’s really weird, most of the time when i close my eyes, especially when I’m trying to sleep, my brain kind of goes through all the ways my life could go wrong, and makes up scenarios, and they all end with me either dying or with lifelong trauma and I’m always in the hospital at some point. It kind of feels like even though I’m consciously okay with living, my subconsciousness wants to die. The worst part is that once the scenarios start, i have to finish them and once i do i still feel awful. They start with one thing, then escalate so i have more and more things to deal with. It’s like my brain is trying to figure out how much i can take. 

 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Emberfrost12

From what you've said, it sounds like you're putting a lot of limits on yourself and what you can achieve. Even though you are clearly motivated to achieve, you are stopping yourself from doing it, and that might be because you're scared of not making it. I get this sense from what you said about killing your dreams of being an actor and artist; what do you think? Our minds are the most powerful tool we have, and if we make a big effort to be optimistic, positive, and push ourselves outside of our comfort zones, you will achieve so much.

Also, with what you're saying about the thoughts you have around negative scenarios, this is a common experience in those who are going through some anxiety. Do you think these thoughts could be related to anxiety? 

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7 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Emberfrost12

From what you've said, it sounds like you're putting a lot of limits on yourself and what you can achieve. Even though you are clearly motivated to achieve, you are stopping yourself from doing it, and that might be because you're scared of not making it. I get this sense from what you said about killing your dreams of being an actor and artist; what do you think? Our minds are the most powerful tool we have, and if we make a big effort to be optimistic, positive, and push ourselves outside of our comfort zones, you will achieve so much.

Also, with what you're saying about the thoughts you have around negative scenarios, this is a common experience in those who are going through some anxiety. Do you think these thoughts could be related to anxiety? 

Yes, maybe, that makes sense. It often feels like I have all the ability, just no opportunity, and when I do have the opportunity, I feel like i'm taking someone else's spot.

Actually...maybe. I haven't taken any tests, so I really have no idea.

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  • Digital Mentor
On 9/18/2022 at 5:40 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Yes, maybe, that makes sense. It often feels like I have all the ability, just no opportunity, and when I do have the opportunity, I feel like i'm taking someone else's spot.

Actually...maybe. I haven't taken any tests, so I really have no idea.

Thank you for tagging me in. Anxiety is pretty common and there are lots of different signs to look out for, although it's usually different from person to person. As Monsoon said, having negative thoughts and worrying about things is a common sign. Especially if these thoughts keep coming back and interfere with your day to day activities.  Some also find it difficult to concentrate, have sleep problems, headaches or stomach aches, might feel irritable a lot of the time and feel afraid of new situations. Do you recognise any of these signs in yourself? 

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7 hours ago, Aurora said:

Thank you for tagging me in. Anxiety is pretty common and there are lots of different signs to look out for, although it's usually different from person to person. As Monsoon said, having negative thoughts and worrying about things is a common sign. Especially if these thoughts keep coming back and interfere with your day to day activities.  Some also find it difficult to concentrate, have sleep problems, headaches or stomach aches, might feel irritable a lot of the time and feel afraid of new situations. Do you recognise any of these signs in yourself? 

Kind of. I've had a slight stomach these last few days, and I haven't been eating as much as usual. I've been slightly irritable, and yeah, my thoughts keep coming back and I can't seem to get rid of them

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  • Digital Mentor

Hi there, from what you are saying, it could be that you are experiencing anxiety at the moment. I've also gone back on what you've written and there were a couple of other things I wanted to pick up on. I hope that's OK. You mentioned that you can suddenly feel really hyper or tired and that you don't feel sad. but also not happy. You might be aware of this already but from around 13 - 20 year of age your brain goes through a really big development and this can lead to us suddenly feeling all these things without any explanation. Our brain is basically learning new thinking skills and developing other skills and it takes a while for us to get used to and develop these new skills. Does that make sense? It could be that some of the things you've been noticing are because your brain is developing. 

With regards to the thoughts and nightmares you are having. It sounds like this is really having an impact on how you're feeling. It noticed that you mentioned before that when you're imagining the horrible scenario you have to finish them and afterward you feel awful. Can you tell me more about that? Have you tried stopping the scenario from playing out in your head? And if yes, what have you tried doing? 

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7 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, from what you are saying, it could be that you are experiencing anxiety at the moment. I've also gone back on what you've written and there were a couple of other things I wanted to pick up on. I hope that's OK. You mentioned that you can suddenly feel really hyper or tired and that you don't feel sad. but also not happy. You might be aware of this already but from around 13 - 20 year of age your brain goes through a really big development and this can lead to us suddenly feeling all these things without any explanation. Our brain is basically learning new thinking skills and developing other skills and it takes a while for us to get used to and develop these new skills. Does that make sense? It could be that some of the things you've been noticing are because your brain is developing. 

With regards to the thoughts and nightmares you are having. It sounds like this is really having an impact on how you're feeling. It noticed that you mentioned before that when you're imagining the horrible scenario you have to finish them and afterward you feel awful. Can you tell me more about that? Have you tried stopping the scenario from playing out in your head? And if yes, what have you tried doing? 

Ok, that makes sense

I've tried multiple things, including reading, but every time I get distracted from it, I imagine a horrible outcome for the book. And If I try to distract myself, it feels...unfinished, like If I keep waiting, it'll just get worse

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1 hour ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Ok, that makes sense

I've tried multiple things, including reading, but every time I get distracted from it, I imagine a horrible outcome for the book.

And If I try to distract myself from the nightmare, it feels...unfinished, like If I keep waiting, it'll just get worse

*edit

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On 9/17/2022 at 2:15 AM, Emberfrost12 said:

I hate this. I’m good at math, but never the best. Good at writing, but i get overlooked. Strong, but not strong enough, fast but not fast enough. I’m almost always honest, but not honest enough. I’m good at art, but still not enough. People like me but I’m no one’s favorite, and I’m a good friend, but rarely someone’s best friend. Hell, I’m not sad, but I’m rarely happy and people sometimes tell me they think I’m insane because I’m so suddenly hyper or tired, or they just think I’m insane when I’m being normal. I just say i think I’m broken, and i pretty much believe it. Not only that, but every one of those things change, but I’m still never the best.  I just want to be the best at something. I want stability. I want to be okay in other people’s eyes. I also want to be able to close my eyes without thinking about death or to go to sleep without being afraid of my nightmares. Where did I go wrong to end up like this? How do i fix this? I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough (for both myself and other people) and I’ll never be able to have normal highs and lows, or even emotions.

 

Totally get it, I have felt like that before, however, at some point, I realized it was not fair to treat me this way or even compare me to others when we all are so different in so many aspects, and would you mind if I ask what is  for you normal? or enough? on what you refer to in the comment) honestly, I don't think that the majority of us at this age knows what to do, or feel accomplished or complete in a (or any) way, there are so many questions and preoccupations of growing up, but being hard with ourselves... Does it really help it?

I think small steps on the hobby or ability you want to develop and *acknowledging* them is a good place to start, making it easier for you like; "I want to learn how to bake so I´ll make a dessert with my favorite fruit and will put some music and will share it afterward with the ones I love". Even if it isn´t something huge allow yourself to congratulate yourself for example "ok I didn´t get to bake or make the dessert today but I created this gorgeous Pinterest board about recipes I could try" and know that you are all right, enough and loved.

...What do you think you could do to improve your relationship with yourself? I´m here if you need to talk. I´m not the best with advice and actually no one to give advice but I wanted to let you know that I understand that feeling and it´s okay 

 

 

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