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This topic contains content which has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm

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Emberfrost12
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Go to solution Solved by Aurora,

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

It's interesting that you tell yourself you shouldn't be dependent. From my perspective, you are just asking for help and there's nothing wrong with that; actually, it's pretty good. What do you think? Is that why you're feeling dependent? 

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7 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

It's interesting that you tell yourself you shouldn't be dependent. From my perspective, you are just asking for help and there's nothing wrong with that; actually, it's pretty good. What do you think? Is that why you're feeling dependent? 

I think so. I guess I just feel like I should be able to handle things on my own. It's my problems - I should be able to deal with them

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At this point, what am I doing? Other people have dreams and goals, and I don’t because it feels weird to think I’ll make it that far, or still be alive by the time i can do it.
Every day feels the same. One day might be slightly worse or better than the next, but the difference is small. And I’m pretty much always tired, even when people say i seem hyper
I want things I know I’ll never have. I want to play the guitar even though i can’t even find the will to practice the bar chords because i know I’m not making progress, even though I’ve only tried them once
I’m so afraid of judgement and conflict that I do a lot to avoid it and it just makes it worse in the end.
Everyone talks about emotions, often alongside mental health, but no one ever considers or mentions not being able to find them. And when I tell someone that I can’t, they start telling me every time I smile, or laugh, or look ‘sad’ and go, ‘hey look! You DO have emotions!’ Yeah, while I’m showing expressions, nothing is happening inside my head to tell me how i feel.  And Monsoon, if my reaction to stress is to dissociate, then for every step forward I’m probably taking two backwards. I think i just have to face that I’m likely going to be dissociated forever.
Everyone says to stop comparing yourself to other people. Well, sorry, I can’t do that. I still can’t not see people who surpass me as better than me, because you know what? THEY ARE.
Everyone else handles themself fine. So why can’t I? I’m just weak, i can’t handle things that nobody else seems bothered by. I get offended easily while other people who could’ve been offended just think it’s funny.
How do other people relax? When do we have time to do that? Whenever one thing is completed, there is always something else to do, and if you take a break, everything piles up more.
I think it’s just my fate to not be ok. My most memorable memories are the sad ones. Realizing that I had to compete to be seen. Realizing that I was different. Realizing that there were so many things that others could do that I couldn’t. Realizing that the only person who cared about what happened to me was me. Surely that’s for a reason?
Why do i have to get attacked for everything I am? So what if I pronounce a type of pavement material a different way and am opinionated on that? So what if i call a kind of candy something else? So what if I’m from a different country? So what if I’m a furry?
And I know this will likely sound selfish, but why do my friends even like me? I have nothing to offer. I have no special ability. I don’t get the large majority of references they make, I don’t have classes with ANY of them. I don’t have anything that they don’t!
I thought i liked helping people, but I realized that I’m actually not helping anybody. I don’t know anything, why would I be of use to others?
I want a purpose. I want something to live for.  I wake up every day and ask myself if there’s some way I can just avoid everything
I don’t need to be bringing down others, so why am I dragging you all down in my crap? I should be able to handle my issues on my own. Some part of me feels like I’m making this all up, and I’m sorry if I am and am just stressing people out for no reason. And I’m also sorry that you’ve wasted your time on me since i likely won’t be going anywhere in life, and you don’t even need to reply to this post. I just need to get this out somewhere

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3 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

At this point, what am I doing? Other people have dreams and goals, and I don’t because it feels weird to think I’ll make it that far, or still be alive by the time i can do it.
Every day feels the same. One day might be slightly worse or better than the next, but the difference is small. And I’m pretty much always tired, even when people say i seem hyper
I want things I know I’ll never have. I want to play the guitar even though i can’t even find the will to practice the bar chords because i know I’m not making progress, even though I’ve only tried them once
I’m so afraid of judgement and conflict that I do a lot to avoid it and it just makes it worse in the end.
Everyone talks about emotions, often alongside mental health, but no one ever considers or mentions not being able to find them. And when I tell someone that I can’t, they start telling me every time I smile, or laugh, or look ‘sad’ and go, ‘hey look! You DO have emotions!’ Yeah, while I’m showing expressions, nothing is happening inside my head to tell me how i feel.  And Monsoon, if my reaction to stress is to dissociate, then for every step forward I’m probably taking two backwards. I think i just have to face that I’m likely going to be dissociated forever.
Everyone says to stop comparing yourself to other people. Well, sorry, I can’t do that. I still can’t not see people who surpass me as better than me, because you know what? THEY ARE.
Everyone else handles themself fine. So why can’t I? I’m just weak, i can’t handle things that nobody else seems bothered by. I get offended easily while other people who could’ve been offended just think it’s funny.
How do other people relax? When do we have time to do that? Whenever one thing is completed, there is always something else to do, and if you take a break, everything piles up more.
I think it’s just my fate to not be ok. My most memorable memories are the sad ones. Realizing that I had to compete to be seen. Realizing that I was different. Realizing that there were so many things that others could do that I couldn’t. Realizing that the only person who cared about what happened to me was me. Surely that’s for a reason?
Why do i have to get attacked for everything I am? So what if I pronounce a type of pavement material a different way and am opinionated on that? So what if i call a kind of candy something else? So what if I’m from a different country? So what if I’m a furry?
And I know this will likely sound selfish, but why do my friends even like me? I have nothing to offer. I have no special ability. I don’t get the large majority of references they make, I don’t have classes with ANY of them. I don’t have anything that they don’t!
I thought i liked helping people, but I realized that I’m actually not helping anybody. I don’t know anything, why would I be of use to others?
I want a purpose. I want something to live for.  I wake up every day and ask myself if there’s some way I can just avoid everything
I don’t need to be bringing down others, so why am I dragging you all down in my crap? I should be able to handle my issues on my own. Some part of me feels like I’m making this all up, and I’m sorry if I am and am just stressing people out for no reason. And I’m also sorry that you’ve wasted your time on me since i likely won’t be going anywhere in life, and you don’t even need to reply to this post. I just need to get this out somewhere

It's weird, half the time this feels scarily true and the other half I couldn't be less bothered

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3 minutes ago, Emberfrost12 said:

It's weird, half the time this feels scarily true and the other half I couldn't be less bothered

I guess I'm just inconsistent. As always

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Emberfrost12

Thanj you for articulating your current situation so well. I really feel like I’ve gotten a deep insight into your feelings and struggles from that. It sounds like you’re really at such a low point, and I get the sense that you have resigned yourself to the idea of being like this forever. It’s almost like there is no light at the end of the tunnel for you at the moment, is that fair to say? 
 

I just want you to know that you are not wasting our time. We are here for you and we like supporting you. I think that from what you’ve said, opening up means you’re dependent in your mind, and I just want you to know that that isn’t the case. You’re struggling and it’s perfectly healthy and normal to ask for support at this point.

I’m wondering, have you ever considered the possibility of being depressed? How does that land with you? 

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6 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Emberfrost12

Thanj you for articulating your current situation so well. I really feel like I’ve gotten a deep insight into your feelings and struggles from that. It sounds like you’re really at such a low point, and I get the sense that you have resigned yourself to the idea of being like this forever. It’s almost like there is no light at the end of the tunnel for you at the moment, is that fair to say? 
 

I just want you to know that you are not wasting our time. We are here for you and we like supporting you. I think that from what you’ve said, opening up means you’re dependent in your mind, and I just want you to know that that isn’t the case. You’re struggling and it’s perfectly healthy and normal to ask for support at this point.

I’m wondering, have you ever considered the possibility of being depressed? How does that land with you? 

Yeah, that seems accurate

Thank you for that

I don't know, I guess I feel like my problems aren't big enough for that, but then again, they kind of are. However, I don't think knowing is going to make a difference because it's not going to change what support I have access to. 

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  • Digital Mentor
11 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Yeah, that seems accurate

Thank you for that

I don't know, I guess I feel like my problems aren't big enough for that, but then again, they kind of are. However, I don't think knowing is going to make a difference because it's not going to change what support I have access to. 

Hey,

Can I ask, what support do you have access to? Also, I'm wondering, do you feel you're ready to move forward at this point?

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4 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Can I ask, what support do you have access to? Also, I'm wondering, do you feel you're ready to move forward at this point?

Honestly, just you guys :), although if things did get terrible I could go to student service at my school. I don't trust my mom not to get mad at me for things, and my dad doesn't hide things from her (which I do respect)

Yeah, I do

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  • Digital Mentor
5 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Honestly, just you guys :), although if things did get terrible I could go to student service at my school. I don't trust my mom not to get mad at me for things, and my dad doesn't hide things from her (which I do respect)

Yeah, I do

Hey there,

Student support services sounds like a good idea. It's always good to build your support network, and you might find it helpful to go to them anyway before it potentially gets terrible. It's better to help yourself before it gets to a really bad point so you can prevent it; do you know what I mean? What do you think?

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  • Digital Mentor
On 11/10/2022 at 6:41 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Correction: Could any digital mentor send me a message please? @Blondie, @Aurora, or @Monsoon?

Hi there, I've just replied to you message on confidential support. Is the the message you were referring to? 

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6 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, I've just replied to you message on confidential support. Is the the message you were referring to? 

Yep, thanks

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