My Heart Is Ice

[Tris]

I consider myself to be asexual and I have to wonder whether I'm just naturally that way or if purity culture killed my ability to be attracted. 

I remember my younger sister being called "a hoe" by our mom for having a crush on a boy and wearing lip gloss when she was 12. I was a ratty nerd at 12 so she wasn't worried about me. I was only curious about boys and used to think that having a relationship one day would be nice in the future but I would later deny any crushes and suppress them because I thought it made me "less pure".

When my older cousin asked if I had any boyfriends, I was ready to ask her for dating advice. Instead, my mother butted in with "She isn't interested in boys". She would always talk to me about how wonderful the convent is and how much God would bless me if I consecrated my virginity to Him. Once she made me spend a weekend with the nuns but the priest at school told me he doesn't think I'm emotionally stable for the religious life.

I haven't had many crushes since age 14. I decided then to never marry because I thought it's impure but after everyone was all "but what if God wants you to marry!" So I decided to date this guy from church who was a jerk and didn't believe I was asexual. He said it's too rare. He wanted lots of kids so it wouldn't have worked out. I would've died of shame on our wedding night. 

[Monsoon]

On 7/26/2022 at 3:20 AM, Tris said:

I consider myself to be asexual and I have to wonder whether I'm just naturally that way or if purity culture killed my ability to be attracted. 

I remember my younger sister being called "a hoe" by our mom for having a crush on a boy and wearing lip gloss when she was 12. I was a ratty nerd at 12 so she wasn't worried about me. I was only curious about boys and used to think that having a relationship one day would be nice in the future but I would later deny any crushes and suppress them because I thought it made me "less pure".

When my older cousin asked if I had any boyfriends, I was ready to ask her for dating advice. Instead, my mother butted in with "She isn't interested in boys". She would always talk to me about how wonderful the convent is and how much God would bless me if I consecrated my virginity to Him. Once she made me spend a weekend with the nuns but the priest at school told me he doesn't think I'm emotionally stable for the religious life.

I haven't had many crushes since age 14. I decided then to never marry because I thought it's impure but after everyone was all "but what if God wants you to marry!" So I decided to date this guy from church who was a jerk and didn't believe I was asexual. He said it's too rare. He wanted lots of kids so it wouldn't have worked out. I would've died of shame on our wedding night. 

Hey there,

I think this is a really big question, and it might take a while to answer it for yourself. There can definitely be a link between feeling shame and then repressing your sexual nature in a way, but even when this happens, you could say that it's pretty expected for the individual to still have those sexual feelings, but then push them down; do you know what I mean? I'm wondering, although you're unsure at this point, is there really a rush to find out? I guess as time goes on, you might have new experiences that shift your perspective, and remember, sexuality is fluid as well.