Somehow I Still Function

[Tris]

I think the worst part about being high functioning is that you never believe you're sick enough, not even on a bad day. I know something is off. I've had reliable friends tell me to go to counseling but I just won't go. I keep telling myself that there's someone who has it worse and that I'd be stealing resources they need more.

On good days, and I had a positive month after a totally awful one, back to back, I think maybe there's nothing wrong at all. I find ways to explain it away as lack of sleep or hormones. Sure, I SH a bit but they were only scratches, only bruises. I've survived worse urges without the help of a counselor or even a friend to talk to. I'm independent, not a nuisance who bothers others.

No, I can't be depressed. Sure, I think I'm worthless and don't care if I die but I clean my room, practice hygiene, and get up every day for work. I can't have anxiety. I was just a little nervous, that's all! Hell, I never had an attack so it's not a problem. It's not a real ED. I'm just health conscious and get a little overly zealous about fasting sometimes. ...Until I get tired of punishing myself for other people's sins and decide to buy groceries again. Maybe the trauma wasn't bad enough if I was articulate, clean, well dressed, smart, hard working and creative while it was happening. Maybe it was a well needed life lesson and not abuse and I'm just an attention-seeking ungrateful drama queen.

I don't understand How I'm functioning this well but I'm thankful for it. I should be. Not everyone is this resilient.

[Daisie]

Hey @Tris Welcome to the Community, I trust you will feel this is a safe place for you.

I am Daisie a Community Warden here on the forums, and I've just read your post, I am going to tag in our Trained Digital Mentor who may be able to offer you some support and advice. @Monsoon

If you need anything in the meantime please feel free to reach out. 

[Monsoon]

On 7/24/2022 at 5:37 AM, Tris said:

I think the worst part about being high functioning is that you never believe you're sick enough, not even on a bad day. I know something is off. I've had reliable friends tell me to go to counseling but I just won't go. I keep telling myself that there's someone who has it worse and that I'd be stealing resources they need more.

On good days, and I had a positive month after a totally awful one, back to back, I think maybe there's nothing wrong at all. I find ways to explain it away as lack of sleep or hormones. Sure, I SH a bit but they were only scratches, only bruises. I've survived worse urges without the help of a counselor or even a friend to talk to. I'm independent, not a nuisance who bothers others.

No, I can't be depressed. Sure, I think I'm worthless and don't care if I die but I clean my room, practice hygiene, and get up every day for work. I can't have anxiety. I was just a little nervous, that's all! Hell, I never had an attack so it's not a problem. It's not a real ED. I'm just health conscious and get a little overly zealous about fasting sometimes. ...Until I get tired of punishing myself for other people's sins and decide to buy groceries again. Maybe the trauma wasn't bad enough if I was articulate, clean, well dressed, smart, hard working and creative while it was happening. Maybe it was a well needed life lesson and not abuse and I'm just an attention-seeking ungrateful drama queen.

I don't understand How I'm functioning this well but I'm thankful for it. I should be. Not everyone is this resilient.

Hey Tris,

I'm one of the digital mentors here at the DTL community. I've sent you a message to check in. Speak soon.