Figuring Myself Out + maybe some questions??

[buechlcr]

hello, my name is grace (she/her or she/they).

if i recall correctly, i set up this account around the middle of 2021. by then, for a few months i think, i had begun questioning my sexuality. at first, it began when i began having more and more influence and interactions with people from the LQBTQIA+ community which came through friends and media. at first i questioned whether or not i was bi, because i thought some girls were pretty (i currently identify as a female) and i was "obsessed" with fictional men from shows and movies. many of my obsessions began after being influenced by people in media, for example, (this made me cringe as i type this because as i look back on it, i was WAY too attached to him) draco malfoy. i had never paid much thought but i also believe that partly came from me not having not been in my harry potter obsession yet -- this obsession for the books and movies coming approximately 6 months before my "draco phase" where i was completely in love with fanon draco  (from fanfics, not the movies, i can acknowledge that he was an ass in the canon series but i can also acknowledge it was mainly because of how he was raised). at the time, i thought that i thought he along with many other fictional guys looked good, but now as i look back on it, i don't think any of them are attractive but i can understand why people could consider them attractive. after i made this account in 2021, i left one post sharing my conflicting thoughts and i spoke to this wonderful person, but didn't come up with much after the conversation (they were an absolutely lovely person though, thank you to whoever this was).

approximately one year later, here i am logging on again to, again, share my conflicting thoughts regarding my sexuality. the past year, i have become, frankly, quite irritated in not knowing my sexuality. as of now, i am questioning as of not if i am a lesbian and here is why: my lack of desire to be with a male in any way and my desire to have romantic (and possibly s!xual) relations with a female. i look back on what i thought were crushes (all males) and remember not being physically to them but more so to their personality (humor, intelligence, etc.) and enjoying their company, and the thought that they "liked" me back made me have what many people consider butterflies. it has been years since these "crushes" and since then i have yet to have another crush (of any gender), the last regard being one reasons that make me believe i am going through all this questioning for nothing. but, despite not having "crushes" on people, one of the other reasons i believe i may be a lesbian is because of, frankly, tiktok. that app alone is one of the reasons i am still bothering with questioning my sexuality because the amount of pretty women i see on there that make me momentarily lose my breath and/or make me shudder lmfao.

as just a bit of extra info, when i look into my future, i hope to see a female. as far as i know, i want to be with a female in all aspects. 

 

my main reason for leaving this bit of information on this website to strangers is because what i truly want is someone's, anyone's, opinion on this. as well as this, how other people finally knew they were gay.

 

thank you xoxo and sorry if this was tmi

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

It's nice to hear from you again. I remember speaking with you about your attractions last year, particularly to guys with more feminine qualities. It sounds like you have a lot if important hunches about your sexuality, such as looking into your future and hoping to see a female. I'm wondering, what do you think needs to happen to make you feel sure about your sexuality?

[buechlcr]

if we're being honest, i have no clue. i think mainly it is just confirming that i do not like guys.

[Monsoon]

On 3/21/2022 at 12:38 PM, buechlcr said:

if we're being honest, i have no clue. i think mainly it is just confirming that i do not like guys.

Hey there,

Okay, that makes sense. I'm wondering then, what would help you confirm you don't like guys? What advice would you give to a friend in the same situation? 

[buechlcr]

rather than asking my friend to looking into the future and seeing how they would react in scenarios with guys, i don't really know how else to confirm.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

That's okay. I'm going to ask you a question about your imagination. I'm wondering, when you close your eyes and imagine the perfect partner, what is that person like? How would you describe their personality, gender, physical appearance?

[buechlcr]

yep, you got me there. i think you know the answer thank you so much for all of your help, it has really helped me think more and answered some questions. 

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

You’re more than welcome :)

Would you like anymore support at the moment with this? 

[buechlcr]

i think for now i am fine, but i have a feeling i will be checking in again in the future. thank you so much again for your help.

[Monsoon]

We are always here if you need us; take care :) 

[buechlcr]

*tw for mention of a friend's suicide attempt*

hello again! 

i figured this couldn't be a "i finally checked my email, oh look i forgot about this website" check without updating again!

as of now, i identify as a lesbian (comphet was confusing me, lol) and believing to be somewhere on the demiromantic spectrum. as for me finally labeling myself, it's kinda funny because it wasn't a gradual "oh i'm finally accepting myself as who i think i am", and it was more like "ya you know what, i'm this".

and we have news as well! . . . i think?

about a month ago, it hit me SUUUUPER randomly that i think i might be in love with my female best friend (which was super validating)!

this friend, i met on july 31, 2020 on instagram from some mutual interests. ever since that day, i quickly came to love her as we bonded over anything and everything. she is my absolute best friend. when it hit me that i might be falling or already in love with her, i began thinking as to why and i came up with the following: i have MANY close friends who i also call my best friends, but everything feels different with her but not in the fact that we're closer information wise, but connection and adoration wise; remembering the deep sorrow and genuine fear i felt when my friend was attempting suicide a year previous; my reactions when she responds to a message (especially since as of late, she has been going through some deeper mental health issues which cause her to respond less often); and altogether admiration and love i feel towards her. 

one of our big problems though, is that she lives in another country. ya, i kinda big problem.

another thing is, this friend, she has already expressed romantic interest in me months prior (our sexuality crisis is another thing we have bonded over ahahaha) which at the time, left me confused and a little happy (for unknown reasons then haha). i have already expressed my thoughts romantic love towards her due to the fact that it felt wrong to hide this from her, and she has expressed that she still feels the same way except we are not attempting to forward out relationship (but i mean, it's not like we could do much considering we live thousands of miles away) because she knows i'm still confused and working things out. 

the thing i'm having trouble most is though trying to separate romantic vs platonic feeling to figure out if i am actually romantically interested in her, or if i think she is just a really great friend. i personally have never been in love, and the last time i think i felt attraction to someone was at this point, probably around 4-5 years ago and i was a child child so i don't even know if it was anything (which is a reason i believe i'm somewhere on the demiromantic spectrum). feelings i have for her, regardless of romantic or platonic, are like none i've ever felt for a friend or potential crush before, but mainly consist of mass love (romantic or platonic, i don't know) and adoration for her. 

since these new thoughts, i've watched and read love stories, except nothing compares. i believe though, it is our age and distance is the cause of that though.

 

whatever thoughts you have on the matter would be greatly helpful, and thanks again for all of your help.

sorry if this was tmi. 

<3 grace

[Monsoon]

1 hour ago, buechlcr said:

*tw for mention of a friend's suicide attempt*

hello again! 

i figured this couldn't be a "i finally checked my email, oh look i forgot about this website" check without updating again!

as of now, i identify as a lesbian (comphet was confusing me, lol) and believing to be somewhere on the demiromantic spectrum. as for me finally labeling myself, it's kinda funny because it wasn't a gradual "oh i'm finally accepting myself as who i think i am", and it was more like "ya you know what, i'm this".

and we have news as well! . . . i think?

about a month ago, it hit me SUUUUPER randomly that i think i might be in love with my female best friend (which was super validating)!

this friend, i met on july 31, 2020 on instagram from some mutual interests. ever since that day, i quickly came to love her as we bonded over anything and everything. she is my absolute best friend. when it hit me that i might be falling or already in love with her, i began thinking as to why and i came up with the following: i have MANY close friends who i also call my best friends, but everything feels different with her but not in the fact that we're closer information wise, but connection and adoration wise; remembering the deep sorrow and genuine fear i felt when my friend was attempting suicide a year previous; my reactions when she responds to a message (especially since as of late, she has been going through some deeper mental health issues which cause her to respond less often); and altogether admiration and love i feel towards her. 

one of our big problems though, is that she lives in another country. ya, i kinda big problem.

another thing is, this friend, she has already expressed romantic interest in me months prior (our sexuality crisis is another thing we have bonded over ahahaha) which at the time, left me confused and a little happy (for unknown reasons then haha). i have already expressed my thoughts romantic love towards her due to the fact that it felt wrong to hide this from her, and she has expressed that she still feels the same way except we are not attempting to forward out relationship (but i mean, it's not like we could do much considering we live thousands of miles away) because she knows i'm still confused and working things out. 

the thing i'm having trouble most is though trying to separate romantic vs platonic feeling to figure out if i am actually romantically interested in her, or if i think she is just a really great friend. i personally have never been in love, and the last time i think i felt attraction to someone was at this point, probably around 4-5 years ago and i was a child child so i don't even know if it was anything (which is a reason i believe i'm somewhere on the demiromantic spectrum). feelings i have for her, regardless of romantic or platonic, are like none i've ever felt for a friend or potential crush before, but mainly consist of mass love (romantic or platonic, i don't know) and adoration for her. 

since these new thoughts, i've watched and read love stories, except nothing compares. i believe though, it is our age and distance is the cause of that though.

whatever thoughts you have on the matter would be greatly helpful, and thanks again for all of your help.

sorry if this was tmi. 

<3 grace

Hey Grace,

It's lovely to hear back from you again. Before I go further, I noticed that you mentioned your friend having a previous suicide attempt, and I just want to check, is she safe now and does she have access to good support for her wellbeing?

Also, in terms of knowing the difference between platonic and romantic, it sounds like you definitely have romantic feelings for her, and this can look like wanting a more intimate relationship with someone involving sexual activity, kissing, holding hands, and taking your relationship to that next level. What do you think?

[buechlcr]

thanks for asking about her! she is doing better now and from what i have heard last, is still trying to talk to her parents about therapy.

regarding your last question, that sounds about right. i just hope we can still find a way to connect despite our distance.

once again, thank you so  much!!

i will probably update again within the next few months at most!

[Monsoon]

You're welcome. We look forward to hearing back from you! 

[proudperson72]

Hullo, I'm 5 months late but might as well post a reply.

It seems like you're biromantic and homosexual (lesbian). You seem to be both romantically and sexually interested in girls, but only romantically interested in boys. Judging by your post, it seems like you no longer find males attractive at all, which is totally fine. Remember, your sexuality can change over time. This would mean that as of now, you are simply lesbian.

[buechlcr]

On 8/25/2022 at 2:10 AM, Monsoon said:

You're welcome. We look forward to hearing back from you! 

hello again! 

once again, i forget to update, haha. as it's been almost a year since the last update, i guess this one will be fairly long (not too long hopefully don't worry lol).

 

regarding sexuality:

i have very much accepted my lesbian identitiy as i have very much realizied i rather DISLIKE men actually. my friends have helped play a big part in this, as some bi/mlm friends have shared their interest in male celebrities/men and i have realized how un-attracted to them i am lmfao. that was a real validating moment haha. in addition to that, with more awareness of my sexuality, i found myself more and more drawn to female characters and actresses that i now i realized i was attracted to. needless to say, i am now happy with my label. in addition to that, although i haven't put TOO much thought into as i'm fairly comfortable with light, general ackowledgement over the fact that i am somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, whether it be demiromantic or some otherwise unknown (to me) label that i have yet to identify with. i've been able to put this together due to my almost non-existent crushes both between now and the past few years. which leads me to . . .

 

my friend i was supposedly in love with!:

things have been complicated between my friend, as since my last update (a problem that was slightly there before), a problem of which that arose (her declining mental health) got worse, leading to her being non-communative for almost a year with total non-contact with probably 5 exceptions. her mental health led her to be unable to reach out to anyone (including me and other mutual online friends), leading me to messaging her without response for weeks to months at a time to only receive a small sentence check-in. she finally regained contact about a month ago, which made me happy, but brought to my attention that basically any romantic love for her had left. this made me realize sadly that while our friendship was at a peak (late 2020, 2021, early 2022), but especially early 2022, my romantic love was beginning to show, but with her total dissapearance, i needed more from her than she could offer so i saw my romantic love for her slowly drift away. obviously, i don't blame her for not communicating when she wasn't doing great as it may not have been what would be best for her, but obviously it really sucked and strongly impacted our relationship. now, we don't talk that much (maybe every few days) and it's been quite stale. we've both recognized this block and said something about it, our temporary solution being to hopefully just talk through it, exceopt it hasn't worked that well and i think this block is going to become permanent. i just hope we stay friends in the end as i still do love her as a friend and as a past-potential-love, but we've kind of hit a wall/

 

anyways! that's basically all that has happened since, and i hope you have been well.

thanks!

[Monsoon]

8 hours ago, buechlcr said:

hello again! 

once again, i forget to update, haha. as it's been almost a year since the last update, i guess this one will be fairly long (not too long hopefully don't worry lol).

regarding sexuality:

i have very much accepted my lesbian identitiy as i have very much realizied i rather DISLIKE men actually. my friends have helped play a big part in this, as some bi/mlm friends have shared their interest in male celebrities/men and i have realized how un-attracted to them i am lmfao. that was a real validating moment haha. in addition to that, with more awareness of my sexuality, i found myself more and more drawn to female characters and actresses that i now i realized i was attracted to. needless to say, i am now happy with my label. in addition to that, although i haven't put TOO much thought into as i'm fairly comfortable with light, general ackowledgement over the fact that i am somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, whether it be demiromantic or some otherwise unknown (to me) label that i have yet to identify with. i've been able to put this together due to my almost non-existent crushes both between now and the past few years. which leads me to . . .

my friend i was supposedly in love with!:

things have been complicated between my friend, as since my last update (a problem that was slightly there before), a problem of which that arose (her declining mental health) got worse, leading to her being non-communative for almost a year with total non-contact with probably 5 exceptions. her mental health led her to be unable to reach out to anyone (including me and other mutual online friends), leading me to messaging her without response for weeks to months at a time to only receive a small sentence check-in. she finally regained contact about a month ago, which made me happy, but brought to my attention that basically any romantic love for her had left. this made me realize sadly that while our friendship was at a peak (late 2020, 2021, early 2022), but especially early 2022, my romantic love was beginning to show, but with her total dissapearance, i needed more from her than she could offer so i saw my romantic love for her slowly drift away. obviously, i don't blame her for not communicating when she wasn't doing great as it may not have been what would be best for her, but obviously it really sucked and strongly impacted our relationship. now, we don't talk that much (maybe every few days) and it's been quite stale. we've both recognized this block and said something about it, our temporary solution being to hopefully just talk through it, exceopt it hasn't worked that well and i think this block is going to become permanent. i just hope we stay friends in the end as i still do love her as a friend and as a past-potential-love, but we've kind of hit a wall/

anyways! that's basically all that has happened since, and i hope you have been well.

thanks!

Hey,

It's lovely to hear back from you again. Thank you for getting back in touch - we really appreciate it :) 

I am glad to hear you have very much accepted your identity. Doing that is not an easy thing to do and it can take a long time. How does it feel for you now? It sounds like you are feeling empowered and confident with who you are.

Also, I am sorry to hear about what happened with you and your friend. It can be really upsetting when we don't get the affection back that we feel for someone. I too hope that you can keep a friendship. I'm wondering, would you like anymore support from us? I wanted to check first, so let me know if you'd like to talk anything through. We are here for you. Take care and hopefully speak soon.

[buechlcr]

On 6/28/2023 at 9:48 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

It's lovely to hear back from you again. Thank you for getting back in touch - we really appreciate it :) 

I am glad to hear you have very much accepted your identity. Doing that is not an easy thing to do and it can take a long time. How does it feel for you now? It sounds like you are feeling empowered and confident with who you are.

Also, I am sorry to hear about what happened with you and your friend. It can be really upsetting when we don't get the affection back that we feel for someone. I too hope that you can keep a friendship. I'm wondering, would you like anymore support from us? I wanted to check first, so let me know if you'd like to talk anything through. We are here for you. Take care and hopefully speak soon.

hello! idk why i didn't post my reply?? by i did respond a bit ago, guess it just didn't load haha

thanks for your responce! i believe i'm good but i am curious what you mean by additional support?

thanks :)

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Ah, thanks for letting us know! It's good to hear back from you again :)

I am glad to hear you are good. by additional support, I just meant is there anything else you'd like support with now?

[buechlcr]

On 7/9/2023 at 1:26 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Ah, thanks for letting us know! It's good to hear back from you again :)

I am glad to hear you are good. by additional support, I just meant is there anything else you'd like support with now?

ah okay! i don't believe so at the moment, but i'm sure i will be back within a matter of months with a new update haha

thanks!

[Monsoon]

15 hours ago, buechlcr said:

ah okay! i don't believe so at the moment, but i'm sure i will be back within a matter of months with a new update haha

thanks!

That's okay :)

We are here if you need us. Take care.