Am I bi or I'd it all just a lie

[walkingtalking contradiction]

Am I bi?or is it all just a lie

For some months,I began to start questioning my romantic and sexual identity after writing  my character who is a panromantic demisexual Muslim during a winter vacation with my parents

This is was the first time I actually took discovering my identity seriously.While yes I have called myself bi before I started this whole journey I couldn't really accepts because well...I was attracted to guys.

After shopping,I came into my hotel and decided to search up bisexuality for real.The first time,while yes I could identify with some things,I wasn't fully there yet

Unfortunately I couldn't tell my parents because my country literally sentences you to 10 years in prison or death penalty in some states in Nigeria,but that didn't stop me in beginning my hidden journey on finding out my identity 

Stage 1:I gained a crush....sorta?

Okay,so this was when we were on the plane.I can't really recall exactly which country we were going to but I didn't need to for a young maiden in a tim Burton film already swept me off my feet

Yep.I fell in love with Emily from corpse bride(you have all the liberty to make fun of me in the comments dear viewer)

I could not stop smiling when I saw her,I started dreaming fanfiction between me and her y'all.This bullshit was serious.Even to this day I smile unconsciously when she's on screen

But i couldn't tell it was a crush or not after all.I had a crush on a boy before and I was mostly shy and squeaky but it didn't last long 

Alas during my vacation,dad was being a dick to mum so I had to kinda relax on my journey 

But I came back to Nigeria and this where I begin the second stage

Stage 2:The search

I went all out in this one.I went through quizzes,quotev test heck I even made an account on YouTube so that my mum wouldn't see what I was doing and commence my journey in peace.Before I went back to school,I watched a video featuring some memes to see if I had any experience I could fall back on.I could relate to some but not all  I couldn't finish because if fell asleep 

In my dream,I swear I dreamt I wa some guy on a twitch stream taking the sexualty test and when I came as bisexual the guy was screaming in joy.I don't whether this was my mind being happy about the information or its just wishful thinking 

When I woke up,I was happy somewhat.I felt like I connected with being bisexual heck i even changed by phone wallpaper to a subtle bi flag so my parents wouldn't know

I keep a journal about my percentages on how I like guys compared to how I liked girls I liked tow boy crushes Jim hawkins for treasure planet,Leon kuwata from danganronpa and my real life crush temi then I put Emily as my first girl crush

Alas this stage was Most difficult  as I was stuck running in circles again and again and again until  I came to a realization 

Stage 4:Acceptance or is it

During my school 3 day weekend on a Sunday afternoon I start to feel more accepting  about ne being bi..... I gained more confidence in it

Here are my feeling

I dotn care what gender your are men women enby I don't not care not will I even fall in love but once I start to developed a deep emotional bond like maybe years or months  then yeah I consider letting you hit it ~

I started to have sexual stimulations from reading sexual fantasies and asmr from women online and I stared to dream o being in a relationship with a girl so much that if I ever consider being with a man,its...not as interesting anymore

But alas my journey got found out my lovely father

Current stage:A breach in trust and a fiery determination to confirm my identity

So two day before I opened this account my dad read my other secret journal and gave ne a talk about how it's morally,ethically,and religiously wrong and even cited an example of how if I was a lesbian them who would guev birth to me 

I just looked at the ground and frowned because first of all

HOW DARE THIS MAN LOOK THROUGH MY JOURNAL I SPEFICALLY WROTE AT THE SECOND PAGE NOT TO LOOK BUT HE GOT  CURIOUS AND DECIDED TO BREAK THR SLITHER OF TRUST I EVER HAD IN HIM

SECONDLY, FOR THE LAST TIME NO ITS KOT HOW THE FUCK IS A MAN BEING WITH A MAN OR A WOAN  BEING WITH A WOMAN WRONG?!!HOW  IS IT SUDDENLYA MENTAL ILLNESS 

WHY BEACAUSE IT DOSENT FIT YOUR REDUCTIONITS HETERNORMATIVE SYSTEM TAHY ANYONE WHO THINKS DIFFERENT IS  "MENTALLY DERANGED?!!"

WHAT STUPID ETHICS DOES ME BEING WITHA GIRL NOT FEEL RIGHT TO HIM? IVE DONE NOTHING WRONG BUT TO START NOTICE WOMENS BEAUTY AND HE HAD THE GUTS TO SAY THAT 

AND FOR THE LAST TIMEI KNEW THE VERSE HE WAS IMPLYING AND IT WASNT ABOUT BANNING OF HOMOSEXUALITY  IT WAS ABOUT THE RAPE OF THE ANGEL MEN VISITNG AND HOW THEY MISTREATED THE GUEST AND BESIDES DADDY KINS WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THST INTERPRETATION WHEN IN THE EXACT SAME STORY THE LOT PROPHET HANDED HIS TWO DAUGHTERS IN EXCHANGE FOR THE RAPIST BYT THAT DIDNT FIT HIS IMAGE DIDNT IT!!

but I couldn't say it,all I did was run up stairs and try th calm my beating heart

Eventually he came to my room and apologized for reading my journal(in which he can shove up his ass) and told.me that no worries since I was 16 I was supposed to have these sexual thought towards them,that I,me was going through a sexually confusing phase that I would end up with a man eventually

Then he gave a journal and left 

It was then and there I decided to just cut off my dad I would never forgive him for what he did,he didn't give me the opportunity to come out properly and now ruined my chance

What saddens me is I ain't even done.Im still figuring out my sexuality even as I write this post 

So this is where I turn to you dear viewer

If there is any bisexual user on this website who could..give me advice and see if I'm bi and suggestions on how to cultivate a confidential safe place outside this horrid country where I could safe and sound if my real coming out goes wrong ...ahain

[Aurora]

Hi @walkingtalking contradiction, I saw that you are new here so I wanted to say a huge big welcome to the community !! It's great to have you here. I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. I'm really glad you found us. This is a really welcoming and supportive community and there are lots of others here who are also figuring out their sexuality. I noticed that you also sent us a message via confidential support so I will reply to you there. 

[walkingtalking contradiction]

Thank you miss Aurora.Do you have advice on how to build up a strong support system without the help of parental finances.My parents are pretty homophobic and if there is a moment where push comes to shove it will be nice to have a safety net

[Aurora]

9 minutes ago, walkingtalking contradiction said:

Thank you miss Aurora.Do you have advice on how to build up a strong support system without the help of parental finances.My parents are pretty homophobic and if there is a moment where push comes to shove it will be nice to have a safety net

It sounds like you're doing some good forward planning. And it's great that you are talking about a support system. What I find helpful is to think about all the different aspects that are needed and then break it down into small achievable tasks. How does that sound? Am I right in thinking that you want to make a plan in case you need to leave your family home? 

[walkingtalking contradiction]

Yes you are correct ☺ 

I need to make a plan when I move abroad so that during my stay there I can get my own finances in secret,a apartment and no more connection to them whatsoever 

[Aurora]

7 minutes ago, walkingtalking contradiction said:

Yes you are correct ☺ 

I need to make a plan when I move abroad so that during my stay there I can get my own finances in secret,a apartment and no more connection to them whatsoever 

It sounds like you are thinking about the possibility of cutting off all ties to your family completely. Is that right? Do you mind me asking, is that because you are worried about your safety or is it because you struggle with their views or is there another reason for this? Also, just to let you know that I am just about to log off now but I will be back online tomorrow

[walkingtalking contradiction]

Well...I want to cut them off because I know that if I mention about the possibility about thinking about a girl as a wife in the future.They will go on and on about how this is western thinking,they will obviously force me to come back to Nigeria and marry a man to try and fix me. Those views I will never agree to no matter how hard I try to so incase I do fine someone of the same sex and they want to try to bring me back,I can simply tell them no I ain't coming back to Nigeria nor will  i ever be part of the country or Nigeria  until they see my beloved as part of the family whether that be someone of no gender,sane gender or opposite gender 

With my own house,finances job and a healthy life with the one I will meet and love

[Aurora]

23 hours ago, walkingtalking contradiction said:

Well...I want to cut them off because I know that if I mention about the possibility about thinking about a girl as a wife in the future.They will go on and on about how this is western thinking,they will obviously force me to come back to Nigeria and marry a man to try and fix me. Those views I will never agree to no matter how hard I try to so incase I do fine someone of the same sex and they want to try to bring me back,I can simply tell them no I ain't coming back to Nigeria nor will  i ever be part of the country or Nigeria  until they see my beloved as part of the family whether that be someone of no gender,sane gender or opposite gender 

With my own house,finances job and a healthy life with the one I will meet and love

Thank you so much for clarifying. I've replied to the message you sent on confidential support. Maybe we can continue the conversation there if you are happy to?