walkingtalking contradiction Posted March 6, 2023 Share Posted March 6, 2023 Am I bi?or is it all just a lie For some months,I began to start questioning my romantic and sexual identity after writing my character who is a panromantic demisexual Muslim during a winter vacation with my parents This is was the first time I actually took discovering my identity seriously.While yes I have called myself bi before I started this whole journey I couldn't really accepts because well...I was attracted to guys. After shopping,I came into my hotel and decided to search up bisexuality for real.The first time,while yes I could identify with some things,I wasn't fully there yet Unfortunately I couldn't tell my parents because my country literally sentences you to 10 years in prison or death penalty in some states in Nigeria,but that didn't stop me in beginning my hidden journey on finding out my identity Stage 1:I gained a crush....sorta? Okay,so this was when we were on the plane.I can't really recall exactly which country we were going to but I didn't need to for a young maiden in a tim Burton film already swept me off my feet Yep.I fell in love with Emily from corpse bride(you have all the liberty to make fun of me in the comments dear viewer) I could not stop smiling when I saw her,I started dreaming fanfiction between me and her y'all.This bullshit was serious.Even to this day I smile unconsciously when she's on screen But i couldn't tell it was a crush or not after all.I had a crush on a boy before and I was mostly shy and squeaky but it didn't last long Alas during my vacation,dad was being a dick to mum so I had to kinda relax on my journey But I came back to Nigeria and this where I begin the second stage Stage 2:The search I went all out in this one.I went through quizzes,quotev test heck I even made an account on YouTube so that my mum wouldn't see what I was doing and commence my journey in peace.Before I went back to school,I watched a video featuring some memes to see if I had any experience I could fall back on.I could relate to some but not all I couldn't finish because if fell asleep In my dream,I swear I dreamt I wa some guy on a twitch stream taking the sexualty test and when I came as bisexual the guy was screaming in joy.I don't whether this was my mind being happy about the information or its just wishful thinking When I woke up,I was happy somewhat.I felt like I connected with being bisexual heck i even changed by phone wallpaper to a subtle bi flag so my parents wouldn't know I keep a journal about my percentages on how I like guys compared to how I liked girls I liked tow boy crushes Jim hawkins for treasure planet,Leon kuwata from danganronpa and my real life crush temi then I put Emily as my first girl crush Alas this stage was Most difficult as I was stuck running in circles again and again and again until I came to a realization Stage 4:Acceptance or is it During my school 3 day weekend on a Sunday afternoon I start to feel more accepting about ne being bi..... I gained more confidence in it Here are my feeling I dotn care what gender your are men women enby I don't not care not will I even fall in love but once I start to developed a deep emotional bond like maybe years or months then yeah I consider letting you hit it ~ I started to have sexual stimulations from reading sexual fantasies and asmr from women online and I stared to dream o being in a relationship with a girl so much that if I ever consider being with a man,its...not as interesting anymore But alas my journey got found out my lovely father Current stage:A breach in trust and a fiery determination to confirm my identity So two day before I opened this account my dad read my other secret journal and gave ne a talk about how it's morally,ethically,and religiously wrong and even cited an example of how if I was a lesbian them who would guev birth to me I just looked at the ground and frowned because first of all HOW DARE THIS MAN LOOK THROUGH MY JOURNAL I SPEFICALLY WROTE AT THE SECOND PAGE NOT TO LOOK BUT HE GOT CURIOUS AND DECIDED TO BREAK THR SLITHER OF TRUST I EVER HAD IN HIM SECONDLY, FOR THE LAST TIME NO ITS KOT HOW THE FUCK IS A MAN BEING WITH A MAN OR A WOAN BEING WITH A WOMAN WRONG?!!HOW IS IT SUDDENLYA MENTAL ILLNESS WHY BEACAUSE IT DOSENT FIT YOUR REDUCTIONITS HETERNORMATIVE SYSTEM TAHY ANYONE WHO THINKS DIFFERENT IS "MENTALLY DERANGED?!!" WHAT STUPID ETHICS DOES ME BEING WITHA GIRL NOT FEEL RIGHT TO HIM? IVE DONE NOTHING WRONG BUT TO START NOTICE WOMENS BEAUTY AND HE HAD THE GUTS TO SAY THAT AND FOR THE LAST TIMEI KNEW THE VERSE HE WAS IMPLYING AND IT WASNT ABOUT BANNING OF HOMOSEXUALITY IT WAS ABOUT THE RAPE OF THE ANGEL MEN VISITNG AND HOW THEY MISTREATED THE GUEST AND BESIDES DADDY KINS WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THST INTERPRETATION WHEN IN THE EXACT SAME STORY THE LOT PROPHET HANDED HIS TWO DAUGHTERS IN EXCHANGE FOR THE RAPIST BYT THAT DIDNT FIT HIS IMAGE DIDNT IT!! but I couldn't say it,all I did was run up stairs and try th calm my beating heart Eventually he came to my room and apologized for reading my journal(in which he can shove up his ass) and told.me that no worries since I was 16 I was supposed to have these sexual thought towards them,that I,me was going through a sexually confusing phase that I would end up with a man eventually Then he gave a journal and left It was then and there I decided to just cut off my dad I would never forgive him for what he did,he didn't give me the opportunity to come out properly and now ruined my chance What saddens me is I ain't even done.Im still figuring out my sexuality even as I write this post So this is where I turn to you dear viewer If there is any bisexual user on this website who could..give me advice and see if I'm bi and suggestions on how to cultivate a confidential safe place outside this horrid country where I could safe and sound if my real coming out goes wrong ...ahain 1 MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digital Mentor Aurora Posted March 7, 2023 Digital Mentor Share Posted March 7, 2023 Hi @walkingtalking contradiction, I saw that you are new here so I wanted to say a huge big welcome to the community !! It's great to have you here. I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. I'm really glad you found us. This is a really welcoming and supportive community and there are lots of others here who are also figuring out their sexuality. I noticed that you also sent us a message via confidential support so I will reply to you there. MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walkingtalking contradiction Posted March 7, 2023 Author Share Posted March 7, 2023 Thank you miss Aurora.Do you have advice on how to build up a strong support system without the help of parental finances.My parents are pretty homophobic and if there is a moment where push comes to shove it will be nice to have a safety net MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digital Mentor Aurora Posted March 7, 2023 Digital Mentor Share Posted March 7, 2023 9 minutes ago, walkingtalking contradiction said: Thank you miss Aurora.Do you have advice on how to build up a strong support system without the help of parental finances.My parents are pretty homophobic and if there is a moment where push comes to shove it will be nice to have a safety net It sounds like you're doing some good forward planning. And it's great that you are talking about a support system. What I find helpful is to think about all the different aspects that are needed and then break it down into small achievable tasks. How does that sound? Am I right in thinking that you want to make a plan in case you need to leave your family home? MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walkingtalking contradiction Posted March 7, 2023 Author Share Posted March 7, 2023 Yes you are correct ☺ I need to make a plan when I move abroad so that during my stay there I can get my own finances in secret,a apartment and no more connection to them whatsoever MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digital Mentor Aurora Posted March 7, 2023 Digital Mentor Share Posted March 7, 2023 7 minutes ago, walkingtalking contradiction said: Yes you are correct ☺ I need to make a plan when I move abroad so that during my stay there I can get my own finances in secret,a apartment and no more connection to them whatsoever It sounds like you are thinking about the possibility of cutting off all ties to your family completely. Is that right? Do you mind me asking, is that because you are worried about your safety or is it because you struggle with their views or is there another reason for this? Also, just to let you know that I am just about to log off now but I will be back online tomorrow MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walkingtalking contradiction Posted March 7, 2023 Author Share Posted March 7, 2023 Well...I want to cut them off because I know that if I mention about the possibility about thinking about a girl as a wife in the future.They will go on and on about how this is western thinking,they will obviously force me to come back to Nigeria and marry a man to try and fix me. Those views I will never agree to no matter how hard I try to so incase I do fine someone of the same sex and they want to try to bring me back,I can simply tell them no I ain't coming back to Nigeria nor will i ever be part of the country or Nigeria until they see my beloved as part of the family whether that be someone of no gender,sane gender or opposite gender With my own house,finances job and a healthy life with the one I will meet and love MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digital Mentor Aurora Posted March 8, 2023 Digital Mentor Share Posted March 8, 2023 23 hours ago, walkingtalking contradiction said: Well...I want to cut them off because I know that if I mention about the possibility about thinking about a girl as a wife in the future.They will go on and on about how this is western thinking,they will obviously force me to come back to Nigeria and marry a man to try and fix me. Those views I will never agree to no matter how hard I try to so incase I do fine someone of the same sex and they want to try to bring me back,I can simply tell them no I ain't coming back to Nigeria nor will i ever be part of the country or Nigeria until they see my beloved as part of the family whether that be someone of no gender,sane gender or opposite gender With my own house,finances job and a healthy life with the one I will meet and love Thank you so much for clarifying. I've replied to the message you sent on confidential support. Maybe we can continue the conversation there if you are happy to? MultiQuote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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