Dino’s Blog 2

[TinyDinos]

I’m so fucking drained I feel like I can’t function. I’m just in a really weird place right now. Today has been awful. And it’s not even anyone’s fault really. I have been busy with work the last few weeks and have been really drained all day just feeling really sluggish and out of it. My mom asked me to make a her a cup of coffee and just put the half of her Starbucks that she didn’t finish in it for the flavor so it wasn’t hard work. I forgot. Twice. I never forget. I just wanna know what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel so bipolar. I’m miserable one second and then someone talks to me and I’m bursting with energy, such a fucking chatterbox I can’t seem to shut myself up because the words are spilling out so quickly. 

My mental health is so weird right now. I’m doing awful in the sense that I wanna disappear. I’ve had really bad anxiety lately, and severe mood dips. But then I’ve also had crazy good moments. For example, I showered yesterday before bed and went to sleep at a decent time (10:00pm/22:00 vs my normal ‘bedtime’ at around 2:00am, and I’ve been struggling with hygiene lately, it usually happens when things are getting bad again and I can’t be bothered to practice self care so it was a big deal that I did that). My stepdad put up the Christmas lights today and invited me to come up to the roof with him and I said no so I couldn’t act on any bad impulses. I also spent time with a few of my sister’s friends. I’ve been social, got some fresh air, drank water, ate healthy meals, got good sleep, showered but there’s still something wrong with me. 

[TinyDinos]

I spiral so quickly I don’t understand why. I got a package from my deadbeat excuse of a “dad” today. I feel so numb and disgusted at the same time just thinking about it. He hasn’t spoken to me since April hasn’t seen me in person since march. The last time we spoke he told me I was dead to him and disowned me. He sent me a few things for my birthday. One more fucking box on his dad of the fucking year checklist marked off. No contact with me because I have him blocked, but according to my sisters and mom there are no messages for me in the group chat except telling all of us there should be a package. He left five notes in the box. Five. Fucking. Notes. Each one making me feel sicker than the last, telling me how he loves me and how he’s always here with me in spirit and available in the flesh and a bunch of other shit I can’t fucking stomach. I can’t get rid of everything fast enough. He got me Harry Potter merch because it’s the only fucking thing he remembers about me. All I could do was get rid of that shit as fast as possible. I gave the stupid fidget spinner to my sister that collects them. I’m giving the stupid cookbook to my neighbors for Christmas because my parents already own it. I gave the stupid ramen bowl to my friend’s mom, and the box of snacks to my other sister, who shared with her friend who was over for a visit and it’s almost gone thank god. I can’t handle even receiving that. I wanted to throw up with each stupid letter he typed into the notes. I hated seeing those meaningless gifts. The gifts his girlfriend admitted to picking out for me the last three years last time I spoke to her (which, news flash , was even longer ago than the last time I spoke to him. And she said she’d be a safe place for me and that she loves me like a daughter only to disappear off the fucking face of the earth once I found out my dad was on drugs so yippee another fucking let down.) I fucking hate all of it and I feel awful. I’m just a prop to him and a stepping stone to her. When can I just be? When will I be just loved? I’m so fed up with being treated like a resource rather than a person. Everyone only comes to me when they need something from me. I fucking hate it.

[TinyDinos]

I’m turning seventeen. I just finished my high school classes and I’m so anxiety ridden because of it. My parents are joking but they keep saying I’m an adult now and I’m getting my license soon. I don’t wanna grow up because it’s too hard. I’m so scared I wanna vomit. I hate seventeen. I hate eighteen even more. My mom keeps talking about my sisters and I having our own families for Christmas time soon and I don’t want kids I don’t want marriage. I don’t want people. I hate myself so much I hate age I hate adults. I should have never been born. 

fuck school. Fuck being a teacher. Fuck being a daughter. Fuck being a mom. Fuck being a wife. Fuck being anything I don’t wanna be Anymore. 
 

Edited December 10, 2023 by TinyDinos

[TinyDinos]

Im sorry for all of the swearing and stuff. I’m not myself right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

I clearly need to go to sleep or something before I do something stupid. Goodnight

[Luie]

3 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

I’m turning seventeen. I just finished my high school classes and I’m so anxiety ridden because of it. My parents are joking but they keep saying I’m an adult now and I’m getting my license soon. I don’t wanna grow up because it’s too hard. I’m so scared I wanna vomit. I hate seventeen. I hate eighteen even more. My mom keeps talking about my sisters and I having our own families for Christmas time soon and I don’t want kids I don’t want marriage. I don’t want people. I hate myself so much I hate age I hate adults. I should have never been born. 

fuck school. Fuck being a teacher. Fuck being a daughter. Fuck being a mom. Fuck being a wife. Fuck being anything I don’t wanna be Anymore. 
 

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way @TinyDinos. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure, and the weight of expectations is overwhelming. It's entirely normal to feel scared about the uncertainties that come with growing up; the transition from high school to adulthood is a huge step, and it's okay to be anxious about it, I know I was feeling a very similar way that time too. 

Something I'm really concerned about is when you mentioned of doing something "stupid." I just wanted to check for your safety first as it's the most important thing. Are you able to keep yourself safe?

Feeling overwhelmed about the prospect of adulthood doesn't mean you're weak or incapable. Many people share similar fears and uncertainties about the future. It's a significant life change, and trust me, it's completely okay to feel the weight of it.

Your feelings are so totally valid, and it's okay to express them, even with strong language, absolutely no judgement from our end, I actually encourage people to express in the way that helps to channel the frustration. Sometimes, when the pressure builds up, it's our way of venting. It's understandable that you might feel like you want to avoid certain responsibilities or roles. The idea of future expectations, like having a family, can indeed be daunting. It's okay to feel uncertain about these things, and you're not obligated to have everything figured out right now.

I'm here for you, and I want to help in any way I can. Can you share more about what's been particularly tough for you lately? 

 

[Luie]

3 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Im sorry for all of the swearing and stuff. I’m not myself right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

I clearly need to go to sleep or something before I do something stupid. Goodnight

[TinyDinos]

5 hours ago, Luie said:

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way @TinyDinos. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure, and the weight of expectations is overwhelming. It's entirely normal to feel scared about the uncertainties that come with growing up; the transition from high school to adulthood is a huge step, and it's okay to be anxious about it, I know I was feeling a very similar way that time too. 

Something I'm really concerned about is when you mentioned of doing something "stupid." I just wanted to check for your safety first as it's the most important thing. Are you able to keep yourself safe?

Feeling overwhelmed about the prospect of adulthood doesn't mean you're weak or incapable. Many people share similar fears and uncertainties about the future. It's a significant life change, and trust me, it's completely okay to feel the weight of it.

Your feelings are so totally valid, and it's okay to express them, even with strong language, absolutely no judgement from our end, I actually encourage people to express in the way that helps to channel the frustration. Sometimes, when the pressure builds up, it's our way of venting. It's understandable that you might feel like you want to avoid certain responsibilities or roles. The idea of future expectations, like having a family, can indeed be daunting. It's okay to feel uncertain about these things, and you're not obligated to have everything figured out right now.

I'm here for you, and I want to help in any way I can. Can you share more about what's been particularly tough for you lately? 

Hey Luie. I’m not really under pressure from anyone per se, I just guess I feel overwhelmed and stressed out over the idea that I’m running out of time. I feel like I haven’t been a kid, and that even if I had more time it wouldn’t change anything. My entire life up until this point has been with the goal of finishing school. It’s over now, what do I even do from here? All I can think of as being the “natural” next steps is to be like every other adult. Go to college, move out, have a family, and then work for the rest of my pitiful life today off debts of my own an nd for my family until I die. It’s an awful life to lead, and I’m grateful that’s it’s gotten me here, but I wish it wasn’t such a loss for the person in charge. It’s so much hard work with little to no personal gain. I don’t want that to be the rest of my life. But what alternatives do I have? There’s nothing else for me here. I don’t know what to do or where to go. The worst part is nobody is forcing me to handle this but me. My parents aren’t pressuring me. It’s all on me. There’s something wrong with my thinking. That has to be it. 

by “something stupid” I meant like, making more out of pocket posts, or sulking for lack of better terms. Sometimes I just get into these really heavy mind spaces where I only dwell on the negatives (or potential negatives) around me (especially during anxiety attacks) and that only makes me feel worse so I sent myself to bed with no avail. It’s now 7:30am and I still haven’t slept, so I just drank some water and I’m gonna try again to get some sleep before having to start my day. 

[TinyDinos]

5 hours ago, Luie said:

Hiya @Luie,I replied to your message but it needs to be moderated. Just sending the heads up that I saw this.

[TinyDinos]

I slept until 12:00pm. Gotta shower now

[TinyDinos]

Uhhh so we’re celebrating my birthday today because my mom has work tomorrow. She just told me she talked it over with my stepdad, and they decided I’m allowed to have socials now, as well as have the timer removed off of my phone. She said she’s keeping the monitoring app so she can still see my location and I don’t mind that at all esp bc I’ll be driving soon. But I won’t have to ask permission to download apps, and I will have free internet access, and I’ll be allowed to have my own Facebook, TikTok, and insta. Maybe snap but I’m not sure. I’m happy that she talked about it and wants to give me more freedom, but also I have no friends to talk to via social media anyways. I think I’m just gonna use it for posting my art. Other than that idek. 

they also said they’re taking my car to get fixed so I’ll have my own car for when I’m driving (I’m taking the stupid test again in 3 days.) 

I got freedom for my birthday this year and I don’t even know what to do with it.

i mean, I’m grateful of course, just shocked. And my mom also got really serious with me for a minute and warned me about how toxic sm is, and said she isn’t gonna be monitoring my posts or anything, but if anything happens that upsets me or if anyone does anything that freaks me out, or even just hearing about something affects my mental health that she’s always here to talk and I really wasn’t expecting it. 

so uhhh, 17 is wild you guys

[TinyDinos]

Happy birthday to me. 17 years old and counting. It hasn’t been easy but hey, I’m still here.

 

[Luie]

2 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Happy birthday to me. 17 years old and counting. It hasn’t been easy but hey, I’m still here.

[Luie]

20 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Uhhh so we’re celebrating my birthday today because my mom has work tomorrow. She just told me she talked it over with my stepdad, and they decided I’m allowed to have socials now, as well as have the timer removed off of my phone. She said she’s keeping the monitoring app so she can still see my location and I don’t mind that at all esp bc I’ll be driving soon. But I won’t have to ask permission to download apps, and I will have free internet access, and I’ll be allowed to have my own Facebook, TikTok, and insta. Maybe snap but I’m not sure. I’m happy that she talked about it and wants to give me more freedom, but also I have no friends to talk to via social media anyways. I think I’m just gonna use it for posting my art. Other than that idek. 

they also said they’re taking my car to get fixed so I’ll have my own car for when I’m driving (I’m taking the stupid test again in 3 days.) 

I got freedom for my birthday this year and I don’t even know what to do with it.

i mean, I’m grateful of course, just shocked. And my mom also got really serious with me for a minute and warned me about how toxic sm is, and said she isn’t gonna be monitoring my posts or anything, but if anything happens that upsets me or if anyone does anything that freaks me out, or even just hearing about something affects my mental health that she’s always here to talk and I really wasn’t expecting it. 

so uhhh, 17 is wild you guys

 

Happy birthday, @TinyDinos It sounds like you received some unexpected but positive surprises. It's wonderful to hear that your mom and stepdad are giving you more freedom, especially with the socials and the removal of certain restrictions on your phone. Having your own car on the horizon is also a significant step towards independence. Also, navigating these new freedoms can indeed be a bit overwhelming, especially when it comes to social media. Using it for sharing your art is a fantastic idea, and it's a positive way to express yourself.

It's great that your mom had a serious conversation with you about the potential challenges of social media and emphasized her support if anything ever affects your mental health. How do you feel about this newfound freedom, and are there specific ways you're considering using your social media presence beyond sharing your art? Also, do you have any plans or expectations for the year ahead as you turn 17?

 

[Duckie]

3 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Happy birthday to me. 17 years old and counting. It hasn’t been easy but hey, I’m still here.

Happy birthday sweetheart 

You are doing so well 

[TinyDinos]

22 hours ago, Luie said:

Happy birthday, @TinyDinos It sounds like you received some unexpected but positive surprises. It's wonderful to hear that your mom and stepdad are giving you more freedom, especially with the socials and the removal of certain restrictions on your phone. Having your own car on the horizon is also a significant step towards independence. Also, navigating these new freedoms can indeed be a bit overwhelming, especially when it comes to social media. Using it for sharing your art is a fantastic idea, and it's a positive way to express yourself.

It's great that your mom had a serious conversation with you about the potential challenges of social media and emphasized her support if anything ever affects your mental health. How do you feel about this newfound freedom, and are there specific ways you're considering using your social media presence beyond sharing your art? Also, do you have any plans or expectations for the year ahead as you turn 17?

I feel conflicted because I am excited about freedom, but scared because it means responsibility and growing up and I don’t wanna be an adult yet but everyone keeps telling me “ohhh just one more year!!!” And I just have to smile awkwardly like “heh.. thankssss….” I hate it. 
honestly? I just want clout. I’m an attention whore what can I say. Plus I can make money off or it so there’s that

[TinyDinos]

22 hours ago, Luie said:

 

22 hours ago, Duckie said:

Happy birthday sweetheart 

You are doing so well 

Thank you for the birthday wishes 

[TinyDinos]

life’s weird. I’m happy to reconnect with an old friend. But I, always the first one to say I missed you. Why?

[TinyDinos]

And why am I replaceable? As a daughter, as a sister, as a friend? There’s always someone better and as soon as they come along it’s like I disappear. Why?

what makes me valuable? Because all of the things I thought made me valuable, someone else can do better. So why *me*? I don’t enrich, I bridge the gap. I don’t add, I unite. Them in discarded one I’ve been all used up. So what makes me so special? I’m disposable, consumable if you will. Why me?

it’s like a tissue vs a towel. Im what people choose first because of convenience. But after they get a permanent solution, I’m insignificant and end up in the street under someone’s tires. Why?

[Luie]

12 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

life’s weird. I’m happy to reconnect with an old friend. But I, always the first one to say I missed you. Why?

Life can be weird you're totally right. 

[Luie]

12 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

And why am I replaceable? As a daughter, as a sister, as a friend? There’s always someone better and as soon as they come along it’s like I disappear. Why?

what makes me valuable? Because all of the things I thought made me valuable, someone else can do better. So why *me*? I don’t enrich, I bridge the gap. I don’t add, I unite. Them in discarded one I’ve been all used up. So what makes me so special? I’m disposable, consumable if you will. Why me?

it’s like a tissue vs a towel. Im what people choose first because of convenience. But after they get a permanent solution, I’m insignificant and end up in the street under someone’s tires. Why?

 

It sounds like you've been doing some deep thinking lately @TinyDinos. It's completely normal to ponder these kinds of questions, especially when we're reflecting on our relationships and our place in the world. Trust me, we all do it at times. It's totally normal to want to reconnect with old friends, and it's great that you take the initiative to express your feelings and say you've missed them. It shows your warmth and your willingness to reach out, which are qualities that I admire about you. I do see the other side to it btw, don't get me wrong. 

Feeling replaceable can be really tough. It's understandable to wonder why it seems like others can easily step into your roles as a daughter, sister, or friend. It's important to recognize your unique qualities and the contributions you make to those relationships. It sounds to me like you have a lot to offer, even if it might not always feel that way. You mentioned bridging gaps and uniting people, which are incredibly valuable traits. Sometimes, it's the quiet strength and support we provide that make us special, even if it's not always immediately recognized.

It's understandable to feel disposable at times, especially if you feel like you're not being fully appreciated or valued. But please know that you are worthy of love, respect, and appreciation just for being you. I'm curious though, what are some things that make you feel valued and appreciated? Is there something specific you've done or experienced that made you feel truly special? 

 

[TinyDinos]

11 hours ago, Luie said:

It sounds like you've been doing some deep thinking lately @TinyDinos. It's completely normal to ponder these kinds of questions, especially when we're reflecting on our relationships and our place in the world. Trust me, we all do it at times. It's totally normal to want to reconnect with old friends, and it's great that you take the initiative to express your feelings and say you've missed them. It shows your warmth and your willingness to reach out, which are qualities that I admire about you. I do see the other side to it btw, don't get me wrong. 

Feeling replaceable can be really tough. It's understandable to wonder why it seems like others can easily step into your roles as a daughter, sister, or friend. It's important to recognize your unique qualities and the contributions you make to those relationships. It sounds to me like you have a lot to offer, even if it might not always feel that way. You mentioned bridging gaps and uniting people, which are incredibly valuable traits. Sometimes, it's the quiet strength and support we provide that make us special, even if it's not always immediately recognized.

It's understandable to feel disposable at times, especially if you feel like you're not being fully appreciated or valued. But please know that you are worthy of love, respect, and appreciation just for being you. I'm curious though, what are some things that make you feel valued and appreciated? Is there something specific you've done or experienced that made you feel truly special? 

I appreciate your insight! I don’t really know what makes me feel appreciated or valued. Even when people do thank me for things I do, I feel like it’s out of courtesy rather than value, like I was still expected to perform well anyways, and they knew I’d comply. I think that I feel loved when people remember things about me because it means they’re paying attention, but idk if that’s the same thing. I’m sure I’ve experienced feeling valued before, but I just don’t remember that time right now. 
 

I think my issue is figuring out “why am I so special?” Because even if I’m appreciated and valued, there’s always someone out there better. I think what got me thinking about this is that I had a talk with my mom and she commented something like that. I was frustrated about college stuff and she made a big deal out of it being hard and that’s what makes it important and that I need it to make me stand out, and I said I don’t need a degree I will never use and she said it’s foolish to think I’ll be successful based on talent alone (which is true), and that it’s also foolish to think that nobody is better than me at what I do (in this conversation we’re talking about my art skills). She then says, not even counting the people better than me, let’s just say she’s looking to hire someone on the same level as me, and the other person has a degree, and I don’t. She said she wouldn’t hire me, because maybe that person has a degree in psychology and it has nothing to do with art but it proves they have grit, and that at this point I’ve started college but I’d be a quitter and she wants somebody reliable so she wouldn’t hire me. This kinda gets me thinking like, I need to be constantly adding on to my value so people will want to keep me around. No matter how good I am, there will always be someone better. Even if someone has the same skill set as me, they will be better at something else I didn’t do and that makes them better. I’ll work till the day I perish and I’ll still never be better

[TinyDinos]

Alternatively, she’s disappointed in me for not having any goals. She says I’m lucky I’m her daughter otherwise I would’ve gotten a much worse reaction about my lack of motivations in life. She said she’s genuinely worried about me but hasn’t tried to get me help, she just yells at me. I got a D in English. I never get D’s. She got upset with me and said everything in my life is D quality right now, she listed every single thing about me and said it’s D quality, my hygiene, my relationships, my schoolwork, my hobbies, my appearance, my bedroom, everything. I really hate it. She noticed I’m not really trying in school anymore and that I don’t have any motivations in life and she realizes that more often than not I’m not wanting to soend time with friends and that I’m struggling with basic things and yet I’m the problem. There’s something wrong with me. It makes me sad. There’s nothing I can do though I think.

[Luie]

21 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

I appreciate your insight! I don’t really know what makes me feel appreciated or valued. Even when people do thank me for things I do, I feel like it’s out of courtesy rather than value, like I was still expected to perform well anyways, and they knew I’d comply. I think that I feel loved when people remember things about me because it means they’re paying attention, but idk if that’s the same thing. I’m sure I’ve experienced feeling valued before, but I just don’t remember that time right now. 
 

I think my issue is figuring out “why am I so special?” Because even if I’m appreciated and valued, there’s always someone out there better. I think what got me thinking about this is that I had a talk with my mom and she commented something like that. I was frustrated about college stuff and she made a big deal out of it being hard and that’s what makes it important and that I need it to make me stand out, and I said I don’t need a degree I will never use and she said it’s foolish to think I’ll be successful based on talent alone (which is true), and that it’s also foolish to think that nobody is better than me at what I do (in this conversation we’re talking about my art skills). She then says, not even counting the people better than me, let’s just say she’s looking to hire someone on the same level as me, and the other person has a degree, and I don’t. She said she wouldn’t hire me, because maybe that person has a degree in psychology and it has nothing to do with art but it proves they have grit, and that at this point I’ve started college but I’d be a quitter and she wants somebody reliable so she wouldn’t hire me. This kinda gets me thinking like, I need to be constantly adding on to my value so people will want to keep me around. No matter how good I am, there will always be someone better. Even if someone has the same skill set as me, they will be better at something else I didn’t do and that makes them better. I’ll work till the day I perish and I’ll still never be better

21 hours ago, TinyDinos said:

Alternatively, she’s disappointed in me for not having any goals. She says I’m lucky I’m her daughter otherwise I would’ve gotten a much worse reaction about my lack of motivations in life. She said she’s genuinely worried about me but hasn’t tried to get me help, she just yells at me. I got a D in English. I never get D’s. She got upset with me and said everything in my life is D quality right now, she listed every single thing about me and said it’s D quality, my hygiene, my relationships, my schoolwork, my hobbies, my appearance, my bedroom, everything. I really hate it. She noticed I’m not really trying in school anymore and that I don’t have any motivations in life and she realizes that more often than not I’m not wanting to soend time with friends and that I’m struggling with basic things and yet I’m the problem. There’s something wrong with me. It makes me sad. There’s nothing I can do though I think.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, @TinyDinos. It's completely normal to have complex feelings about your worth and how you're perceived, we all do from time to time. 

In my opinion, feeling appreciated and valued can indeed be tricky, especially when it seems like people expect certain things from you. It's totally valid to want your efforts to be recognized for the genuine contributions they are, rather than just fulfilling expectations. I do admire your insight about feeling loved when people remember things about you; that connection and attention can make a big difference.

I can understand why your recent conversation with your mom left you feeling this way. It's tough when the people closest to us, especially family, place certain expectations on us. The pressure to constantly add value can be overwhelming and can at times take a toll on us which I feel is what is happening right now (please correct me if I am wrong?). I do wanna remind you though, that your worth isn't solely determined by what you achieve or how you compare to others, I know it's easier said than done, but yeah. 

Your feelings about college and the expectations around it are entirely valid. The pressure to constantly prove ourselves can be daunting, and it's okay to question the traditional paths people expect us to follow. Your art skills and unique talents are valuable, and they don't necessarily need to conform to conventional measures of success.

I do sense that you're grappling with a lot of expectations and self-doubt, and I'm really sorry to hear that your mom's reaction left you feeling this way. It's tough when someone we care about expresses disappointment rather than understanding. It's okay to acknowledge the struggle you're going through and sometimes just sit with it, how does this sound to you?

Is there something specific you think would make you feel more supported right now? Also, is there a particular aspect of your life or yourself that you feel proud of, even if your mom has listed things as "D quality"?

 

[TinyDinos]

On 2/5/2024 at 10:47 AM, Luie said:

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, @TinyDinos. It's completely normal to have complex feelings about your worth and how you're perceived, we all do from time to time. 

In my opinion, feeling appreciated and valued can indeed be tricky, especially when it seems like people expect certain things from you. It's totally valid to want your efforts to be recognized for the genuine contributions they are, rather than just fulfilling expectations. I do admire your insight about feeling loved when people remember things about you; that connection and attention can make a big difference.

I can understand why your recent conversation with your mom left you feeling this way. It's tough when the people closest to us, especially family, place certain expectations on us. The pressure to constantly add value can be overwhelming and can at times take a toll on us which I feel is what is happening right now (please correct me if I am wrong?). I do wanna remind you though, that your worth isn't solely determined by what you achieve or how you compare to others, I know it's easier said than done, but yeah. 

Your feelings about college and the expectations around it are entirely valid. The pressure to constantly prove ourselves can be daunting, and it's okay to question the traditional paths people expect us to follow. Your art skills and unique talents are valuable, and they don't necessarily need to conform to conventional measures of success.

I do sense that you're grappling with a lot of expectations and self-doubt, and I'm really sorry to hear that your mom's reaction left you feeling this way. It's tough when someone we care about expresses disappointment rather than understanding. It's okay to acknowledge the struggle you're going through and sometimes just sit with it, how does this sound to you?

Is there something specific you think would make you feel more supported right now? Also, is there a particular aspect of your life or yourself that you feel proud of, even if your mom has listed things as "D quality"?

Again, thank for the reply. 
 

I think I have been taught that feelings have an expiration date of sorts, where I’m only allowed to feel it for a certain amount of time before I’m supposed to have “moved on” or “gotten over it”. Especially in a Christian household where it’s like “don’t hold on to this” blah blah blah. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not necessarily complaining about the religious stuff, I do genuinely love being Christian and it is part of who I am and I value that, I just think that some people use it to justify behavior that isn’t great, unfortunately.) I don’t think it’s healthy to just shove things away because it’s been a few hours y’know? I’m not operating on a schedule like “oh it’s been 45 minutes, time to stop being angry! Oh, it’s been 3 years since they hurt me, time to stop feeling betrayed and cutting myself off from them!” That’s not how people work, but I think that’s how my mom wants people to work. It’s not necessarily good to keep those things and dwell on them, but I think it’s good to give them space to be and then just leave it at that.

im not sure what would make me feel supported, but I’m dyeing my hair purple next week. Totally off topic I know, but I’m excited and I don’t normally get excited I think. As far as the D quality stuff goes, I think the stuff that hurt the most to be listed was when she mentioned my friends and my appearance. I’m trying my best to be more out together and actually out an effort into looking nice because she says I dress like a homeless person, so that really stung because I thought it was getting better since I was trying my hardest. Plus it has nothing to do with school which started the whole conversation in the first place. I’m homeschooled my outfits don’t matter. The other thing being my relationships, I feel like I value my family a lot and make an effort to get to know them well and show them that I love them. Alternatively, those like you who have known me here for some time know I’ve been struggling with my friends outside of my family. I have pressed into those relationships and i thought things were improving drastically. I went from not talking to anybody to reconnecting with three friends, even making plans to go out with all three of them separately. It really hurt to know that all of that effort was only amounting to D quality work. Lastly she commented on my driving. Driving makes me really anxious, I hate king it, but I have to. We got into a huge separate argument about that because she says I’m not being responsible enough and taking charge to get my license. I feel like I’m stranded with no help with that. She wants me to have everything figured out and I don’t know anything. I’ve been 17 for 2 months now and all of a sudden I’m practically an adult to her and it’s suffocating. I don’t know how to be better.

[Luie]

On 2/8/2024 at 4:58 PM, TinyDinos said:

Again, thank for the reply. 
 

I think I have been taught that feelings have an expiration date of sorts, where I’m only allowed to feel it for a certain amount of time before I’m supposed to have “moved on” or “gotten over it”. Especially in a Christian household where it’s like “don’t hold on to this” blah blah blah. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not necessarily complaining about the religious stuff, I do genuinely love being Christian and it is part of who I am and I value that, I just think that some people use it to justify behavior that isn’t great, unfortunately.) I don’t think it’s healthy to just shove things away because it’s been a few hours y’know? I’m not operating on a schedule like “oh it’s been 45 minutes, time to stop being angry! Oh, it’s been 3 years since they hurt me, time to stop feeling betrayed and cutting myself off from them!” That’s not how people work, but I think that’s how my mom wants people to work. It’s not necessarily good to keep those things and dwell on them, but I think it’s good to give them space to be and then just leave it at that.

im not sure what would make me feel supported, but I’m dyeing my hair purple next week. Totally off topic I know, but I’m excited and I don’t normally get excited I think. As far as the D quality stuff goes, I think the stuff that hurt the most to be listed was when she mentioned my friends and my appearance. I’m trying my best to be more out together and actually out an effort into looking nice because she says I dress like a homeless person, so that really stung because I thought it was getting better since I was trying my hardest. Plus it has nothing to do with school which started the whole conversation in the first place. I’m homeschooled my outfits don’t matter. The other thing being my relationships, I feel like I value my family a lot and make an effort to get to know them well and show them that I love them. Alternatively, those like you who have known me here for some time know I’ve been struggling with my friends outside of my family. I have pressed into those relationships and i thought things were improving drastically. I went from not talking to anybody to reconnecting with three friends, even making plans to go out with all three of them separately. It really hurt to know that all of that effort was only amounting to D quality work. Lastly she commented on my driving. Driving makes me really anxious, I hate king it, but I have to. We got into a huge separate argument about that because she says I’m not being responsible enough and taking charge to get my license. I feel like I’m stranded with no help with that. She wants me to have everything figured out and I don’t know anything. I’ve been 17 for 2 months now and all of a sudden I’m practically an adult to her and it’s suffocating. I don’t know how to be better.

 

It's totally understandable that you've developed a perspective on feelings that doesn't fit into the neat timeline some might expect @TinyDinos. Trust me when I say this, emotions are complex and don't adhere to a schedule, and it's important to allow ourselves the time and space to process them in a way that feels right for us.

It's great that you're not only aware of your feelings but also considering healthier ways to deal with them. Giving emotions the space they need without bottling them up is a healthy approach. Your perspective on this seems really mature and insightful. And hey, dyeing your hair purple sounds like an exciting and positive step! Embracing things that bring you joy, especially when it comes to self-expression, is fantastic. It's these small, personal victories that matter and contribute to your overall well-being, real proud of you fam!

I'm sorry to hear that your mom's comments, especially about your friends and appearance, were hurtful. It's tough when you're putting in effort to improve in areas that matter to you, and those efforts aren't being acknowledged. Something I've learned over time is that your value isn't determined solely by these external factors, it's about the progress and growth you're making, even if it's not immediately visible to others, easier said than actually believing it, but yeah. Have any thoughts on this?

Dealing with driving anxiety and the pressure to have everything figured out at 17 can indeed be overwhelming. It's okay not to have everything sorted right now; life is a journey, and everyone progresses at their own pace. It's commendable that you're acknowledging your anxieties and challenges, but try not too pressure yourself too much on this.

I am wondering what kind of support or understanding do you feel would be helpful for you right now? Also, when it comes to your relationships and self-expression, what are some aspects you're proud of, regardless of external evaluations?