I'm think I'm Bi, but...

[Emily94]

Hi, just joined this community. Sorry if I make any mistakes.

I've been questioning my sexuality. I always pictured dating, kissing, marrying a boy ever since I was a little girl. But the thing is, there was always an underlying attraction to women. I figured that was just being able to appreciate beautiful people no matter sexuality, but it really runs way deeper than that. I told myself I was straight, I had to be, because I felt uncomfortable at the idea of kissing or being intimate with a girl. And for years, that's what I believed. When I fantasied, I pictured women in the third person and myself with men. 

But recently, I've made a possible connection. In late elementary school, my best friend (who was female) touched me in private areas and made me touch her without my proper and informed consent, because I was only around 10. I only really remember the feeling, but it was one of the worst experiances I've ever had, bar none. I cut her out of my life years ago, but she still tries to reach out once in a blue moon.

I might be way off the mark, but...what if that trauma is what's making me feel so confused about women? I've been processing the event in therapy, and I've started admitting to myself when I find a woman attractive. I think I'm beginning to break down some of the barriers my brain put up. The idea of kissing a beautiful woman or giving a cute girl my phone number doesn't freak me out anymore, and in fact sounds pretty good.

But now I'm scared of telling people. I know I'm not even old enough to drink legally, but I feel like I've been locked into the "Straight" identity. I know deep down (most of) my loved ones will handle hearing I'm bi. But I'm still worried I'll be brushed off, "You're just lonely/want attention", "We woulda known by now", etc. 

For now, I've been exploring the bi side of me quietly, and I'm liking it more everyday. I just wish I could tell people without having to explain all the emotional baggage that stopped me from reaching this conclusion earlier...  

[illumi]

i dont have any valuable advices you might find helpful but you dont owe them any explanation. you can come out and say youre just attracted to women too now and move on; you only have to talk abt your baggage with ppl youre comfortable with but even then you dont have to

[peanutbutterstruggles]

i'm really sorry to hear about your past experiences. :/ i'm glad you're working through it in therapy. i'm definitely not qualified to give you an answer, but to me it sounds like that could definitely affect your attraction to women. 

people will always have mixed reactions about coming out. some will not be accepting and will brush you off. but don't let them stop you from living your life. it's your identity, and nothing they can say about it is gonna change who you are. 

have you given any thought to attending an lgbt+ support group or events irl or online? there are bi support groups, or even just hangouts organized for bi people. maybe meeting with other people like you would make you feel more confident?

[Aurora]

7 hours ago, Emily94 said:

Hi, just joined this community. Sorry if I make any mistakes.

I've been questioning my sexuality. I always pictured dating, kissing, marrying a boy ever since I was a little girl. But the thing is, there was always an underlying attraction to women. I figured that was just being able to appreciate beautiful people no matter sexuality, but it really runs way deeper than that. I told myself I was straight, I had to be, because I felt uncomfortable at the idea of kissing or being intimate with a girl. And for years, that's what I believed. When I fantasied, I pictured women in the third person and myself with men. 

But recently, I've made a possible connection. In late elementary school, my best friend (who was female) touched me in private areas and made me touch her without my proper and informed consent, because I was only around 10. I only really remember the feeling, but it was one of the worst experiances I've ever had, bar none. I cut her out of my life years ago, but she still tries to reach out once in a blue moon.

I might be way off the mark, but...what if that trauma is what's making me feel so confused about women? I've been processing the event in therapy, and I've started admitting to myself when I find a woman attractive. I think I'm beginning to break down some of the barriers my brain put up. The idea of kissing a beautiful woman or giving a cute girl my phone number doesn't freak me out anymore, and in fact sounds pretty good.

But now I'm scared of telling people. I know I'm not even old enough to drink legally, but I feel like I've been locked into the "Straight" identity. I know deep down (most of) my loved ones will handle hearing I'm bi. But I'm still worried I'll be brushed off, "You're just lonely/want attention", "We woulda known by now", etc. 

For now, I've been exploring the bi side of me quietly, and I'm liking it more everyday. I just wish I could tell people without having to explain all the emotional baggage that stopped me from reaching this conclusion earlier...  

Hi Emily, welcome to the Community! It's really lovely to have you here. I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors at Ditch the Label. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. 

Thank you so much for opening up about what's been going on for you and telling us what happened to you in the past. I know it can be difficult to talk about and I really appreciate you sharing this with us. This is a safe space and a really warm and welcoming community. I can see that @peanutbutterstruggles and @mivoei have already replied with some thoughtful advice. 

I have sent you a message via confidential support in case you want to talk about this a bit more there. The confidential support tab is at the top of the page, next to Blogs.