Coming out as bisexual

[Vanessa_]

 

Heyy, I just wanted to ask for some advice. 

I’m Vanessa. I‘ve been trying to figure out my sexuality for quite some time now and I’m quite sure I am bisexual now. So far, I‘ve come out to two friends and my little sister. They have all been very supportive but the thing is I’m still scared to come out to my parents and other people. With my dad it’s difficult because although he always exclaims he doesn’t mind same gender couples it seems like he thinks it‘s not normal and he just assumes that certainly his „perfect“ daughters would be straight. Once, I was kind of having an emotional breakdown about something else and it just slipped out that with everything else I wasn’t even sure about my sexuality. He just laughed and said it wouldn’t surprise him with what I had been watching (referring to shows with queer people). That really hurt me and my mother usually doesn’t say anything about that sort of thing so I really don’t know if I should tell them. What would you suggest?

 

[illumi]

if you think that telling them would result in homophobia then dont. avoid it even. they already have a negative opinion toward queer folks so it might be unsafe for you to come out

just to add one thing; youre not obliged to come out. its not mandatory. but come out only to the ppl you trust that wont react badly

Edited January 28, 2023 by mivoei

[Vanessa_]

Thanks, I think I won‘t tell my parents at the moment anyway. I know if I would come out they would eventually accept it but I just don’t want them to view me differently or tell me that it’s just a phase.

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, Vanessa_ said:

Heyy, I just wanted to ask for some advice. 

I’m Vanessa. I‘ve been trying to figure out my sexuality for quite some time now and I’m quite sure I am bisexual now. So far, I‘ve come out to two friends and my little sister. They have all been very supportive but the thing is I’m still scared to come out to my parents and other people. With my dad it’s difficult because although he always exclaims he doesn’t mind same gender couples it seems like he thinks it‘s not normal and he just assumes that certainly his „perfect“ daughters would be straight. Once, I was kind of having an emotional breakdown about something else and it just slipped out that with everything else I wasn’t even sure about my sexuality. He just laughed and said it wouldn’t surprise him with what I had been watching (referring to shows with queer people). That really hurt me and my mother usually doesn’t say anything about that sort of thing so I really don’t know if I should tell them. What would you suggest?

Hey Vanessa,

Welcome to the DTL community. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us.

I'm glad it went well coming out to your two friends and sister. From what your dad said when you told him you'd been questioning, I imagine that if he did have a problem with it, maybe it would have been obvious at that moment, but it seems like his reaction was pretty chilled; what do you think? I know that it may have been said differently in tone, that kind of thing, but it seems like an okay response really. 

[Vanessa_]

2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey Vanessa,

Welcome to the DTL community. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us.

I'm glad it went well coming out to your two friends and sister. From what your dad said when you told him you'd been questioning, I imagine that if he did have a problem with it, maybe it would have been obvious at that moment, but it seems like his reaction was pretty chilled; what do you think? I know that it may have been said differently in tone, that kind of thing, but it seems like an okay response really. 

I’m not sure. His tone just sounded like he thought that those shows corrupted me into thinking I might not be straight and that I was delusional or something to believe that. I’m quite sure he would tell me it’s just a phase if I came out to him or he wouldn’t believe I was being serious. But really I think I have been repressing any feelings for girls because I felt like it was wrong and I have just felt comfortable watching these shows and they have made me confident enough to accept myself the way I am.

Edited January 28, 2023 by Vanessa_

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing more with me. I was wondering how he said it, so that's why I mentioned that as I was mindful that things may have been said in a way that was negative. It makes sense that you've been repressing these feelings because you felt like it was wrong, but it's good to now hear that you're confident to accept yourself. What do you think it was about the shows that made you more accepting? 

Also, I'm wondering, if he did tell you it's a phase and/or wouldn't believe you, what impact do you think that may have on you?

[Vanessa_]

Well, I think it was just the way that queer people were accepted by their friends and families, how they were able to deal with possible problems, how open they were with each other and how they were supporting each other. It felt like they could fully be themselves.

When I let myself have feelings for girls too it just felt so freeing and like I didn’t have to pretend anymore or justify my feelings to myself.

About the impact a reaction like that might have on me, I guess I would feel rejected and like my dad doesn’t really see me or doesn’t listen to me. I mean we often argue about political issues or opinions but I still feel close to my dad but if he wouldn’t believe me I think that would make me feel distant from him and uncomfortable to be around him.

 

 

[Monsoon]

On 1/29/2023 at 3:34 PM, Vanessa_ said:

Well, I think it was just the way that queer people were accepted by their friends and families, how they were able to deal with possible problems, how open they were with each other and how they were supporting each other. It felt like they could fully be themselves.

When I let myself have feelings for girls too it just felt so freeing and like I didn’t have to pretend anymore or justify my feelings to myself.

About the impact a reaction like that might have on me, I guess I would feel rejected and like my dad doesn’t really see me or doesn’t listen to me. I mean we often argue about political issues or opinions but I still feel close to my dad but if he wouldn’t believe me I think that would make me feel distant from him and uncomfortable to be around him.

Hey,

Yeah, I can totally see why that kind of reaction may make you feel distant; we all want to be accepted, especially by those we care about and are close to; the thought of that not happening can be pretty upsetting. I'm wondering though, even if he does react negatively, how do you think that might go over time? Is there a chance he could become more open-minded as time goes on? 

[Vanessa_]

14 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, I can totally see why that kind of reaction may make you feel distant; we all want to be accepted, especially by those we care about and are close to; the thought of that not happening can be pretty upsetting. I'm wondering though, even if he does react negatively, how do you think that might go over time? Is there a chance he could become more open-minded as time goes on? 

Actually, I’m quite sure he will eventually accept that I’m bi but it might take more than a year. That is why I don’t know whether I should come out to him at the moment. I’m only 17 right now and maybe if I come out to him when he won’t think it’s just puberty or something, he will accept it in less time. Especially because I don’t know if I could take the negativity right now and I could possibly safe myself from a lot of it this way. I just don’t know if I can do that, to wait that long until I tell him.

 

 

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, Vanessa_ said:

Actually, I’m quite sure he will eventually accept that I’m bi but it might take more than a year. That is why I don’t know whether I should come out to him at the moment. I’m only 17 right now and maybe if I come out to him when he won’t think it’s just puberty or something, he will accept it in less time. Especially because I don’t know if I could take the negativity right now and I could possibly safe myself from a lot of it this way. I just don’t know if I can do that, to wait that long until I tell him.

Hey there,

I think it's really important that you do what suits you best and make sure you feel ready to do that; remember, there is absolutely no rush, and if you want to wait, then that's totally okay; remember, you have the added security of being quite sure he'd eventually accept; what do you think? Also, just to let you know, if you would like more support, I am off from 2nd to the 7th February. If you need more support, please create another topic or send a message on confidential support, thanks :) 

[Vanessa_]

10 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I think it's really important that you do what suits you best and make sure you feel ready to do that; remember, there is absolutely no rush, and if you want to wait, then that's totally okay; remember, you have the added security of being quite sure he'd eventually accept; what do you think? Also, just to let you know, if you would like more support, I am off from 2nd to the 7th February. If you need more support, please create another topic or send a message on confidential support, thanks :) 

I think I’ll try to just go with the flow and come out when it feels right. Thank you for listening and the advice. 

[Monsoon]

7 hours ago, Vanessa_ said:

I think I’ll try to just go with the flow and come out when it feels right. Thank you for listening and the advice. 

That's okay! If you do need more support, you know where we are :) 

[Vanessa_]

Soo, there has been an unexpected positive progress with coming out to my father. Yesterday evening I was texting a girl I have a crush on whilst my family was watching a movie. Afterwards when only my dad and I were left he asked what I was doing and I told him I was texting this girl. I thought he would give me another lecture about being careful because I had met this girl online but instead he said „the heart wants what it wants“. I don’t really remember what was said in between but I was confused when he said that because I didn’t unterstand what he was talking about. Then he tried explaining what he had meant and said something like he wouldn’t mind whether I liked boys or girls. I was actually so shocked because I hadn’t realized he had noticed my crush on this girl. I think I might have been smiling like a maniac when texting her so it must not have been very difficult. Anyway, I still haven’t told him that I‘m actually bisexual especially because I was too shocked in that moment but I think I will soon and it has honestly made me so happy to know that he will accept it when I come out.

[Monsoon]

19 hours ago, Vanessa_ said:

Soo, there has been an unexpected positive progress with coming out to my father. Yesterday evening I was texting a girl I have a crush on whilst my family was watching a movie. Afterwards when only my dad and I were left he asked what I was doing and I told him I was texting this girl. I thought he would give me another lecture about being careful because I had met this girl online but instead he said „the heart wants what it wants“. I don’t really remember what was said in between but I was confused when he said that because I didn’t unterstand what he was talking about. Then he tried explaining what he had meant and said something like he wouldn’t mind whether I liked boys or girls. I was actually so shocked because I hadn’t realized he had noticed my crush on this girl. I think I might have been smiling like a maniac when texting her so it must not have been very difficult. Anyway, I still haven’t told him that I‘m actually bisexual especially because I was too shocked in that moment but I think I will soon and it has honestly made me so happy to know that he will accept it when I come out.

Hey @Vanessa_

I'm really happy about the positive progress with you and your father. It sounds like this is just what you needed to hear at this point :)

I'm wondering then, would you like anymore advice at the moment, or are you okay?

[Vanessa_]

1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Vanessa_

I'm really happy about the positive progress with you and your father. It sounds like this is just what you needed to hear at this point :)

I'm wondering then, would you like anymore advice at the moment, or are you okay?

Regarding this topic I don’t need anymore advice I just wanted to share the good news :)

I did post another topic on something else I wanted advice on but I already got some helpful responses so I think I’m good for the moment.

Thank you so much again for the advice.

Also in general this community has helped immensely. It was exactly what I had hoped for and I feel like I can really be open about anything and I will get advice when I need it.

Edited February 12, 2023 by Vanessa_

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

That's lovely to hear :)

If you do need anymore advice, you know where we are.