rant I feel a bit stupid and worried

[randomguy]

Not many people know this but back when i'm angry i used to lash out at my mum or random people (i lashed out on a bus once and this caused me to get into minor trobule with local police). To avoid getting in trobule i just kick the bins. (It doesn't spill rubbish because i don't do it that hard andi would not do it to make it spill as that would affect wild life etc..)) but the pedestrians keep saying it's illegal to kick things and tell me to stop but i never do because it just makes even more angry when someone says stuff. A resident only came out after it's dog wouldn't shut up and called the police (Most likely 101). After i heard him on the mobile i just went home. Fixed my mum's bike as her brakes weren't working and the testing it. all i did was change my t-shirt Weird thing is i went past a marked police car (Sometimes the local PCSO's use police cars so could of been them. ) (it looked like it was heading to the area where above happened). but didn't say anything. If already knew they would of pulled me over right? But it looked like they were just travelling towards that area to ask the person that called them. I'm afraid they might ask me about it as they have my details.

 

Also how is it illegal? That just confuses me as i wasn't breaking/damaging anything.

 

 

I'm just don't want to have to deal with police/pcso's agaiin..

[Willow]

Hey RandomGuy,

 

Wow, thank you so much for sharing. I know it probably took some time to feel safe to open up.

 

What kinds of things upset you to the point of lashing out at your mom, other people, or at bins?

 

Have you ever considered alternatives to kicking bins, like these?

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/what-to-do-when-youre-af/

 

Asking your questions is a great demonstration of reflection!

 

 

-willow

[sunnyla]

I'm the same

Bro. When I'm angry I just see red

[randomguy]

I did but the thing is before when i got into minor trobule with the police last year that's because i lashed out at someone and they reported me for assuallt (Luckily i didn't have to to court or get arrested).

 

At home it's different as i have xbox and my hamster etc...

It's just when i i get annoyed/angry i kick bins instead of people because i don't want to get in trobule with law again. It's just outside you don't have many things you can do to be honest.

[randomguy]

Update,

 

Willow, it was hard to share but it's just i know it sounds stupid but i feel like i hate my life because i feel like i wasted my childhood and school life because i got in a lot of trobule back in school because of a lot of different reasons, i don't even remember my childhood much apart from this and secondary i hated for same and different reasons. I feel this is why i failed most of my exams except science. it didn't help back in my childhood that i got diagnosed with diabeties type 1 and then soon afterwards my parents split up.

 

Even recently, i lost one of my best friends and had a argument with two off my other friends. So they don't want to speak at the moment. Not to mention my grandads in hospital. My brothers never talked to me and has probs forgotten about me since he moved out. My dad doesn't care as he's in a different country with my step brother.

 

The only things that are keeping me alive are my hamster and friends (No one knows this but back during school it got too much and i nearly ended up killing myself)

 

Even when i go out i get nervous everytime i see a police car because of me getting in trobule with the law even when i haven't done anything/when i'm cycling around.

 

(The youths didn't help either but luckily i haven't seen them recently although i know i will again sometimes and me getting in trobule before is why i've also been relcuctant to call the police around the youths when they've been physical before. It doesn't help that when i wake up i always get reminded of them as i've got cuts from when they've tried knock me off also for some reason i'm always reluctant to open up to police.

Also even when my mum argues and whenever i argue back she ends up hitting me. (So i kind of prefer being outside because apart from my hamster theirs nothing at home for me.

 

 

 

 

I guess i do it because i feel like people have better life then me but then i don't want to end up getting arrested or going to court because of these dumb things i'm doing

 

 

[Willow]

Hey RandomGuy!

 

Thanks for the update! I'm really thankful you reached out.

 

Unfortunately, we can't go back and change what we've done in the past. But are there things you can think of that might help you in your present?

 

When I have lived in my childhood home/area, I've found it hard to separate my past decisions from my present ones. Being around parents can be such a trigger-- especially when they're only seeing for my past 'bad' decisions.

 

You're in college, now, right? How is that going? What classes are you loving? Are you a better student now?

 

What kind of things do you do outside the house to create some distance from you and your mom? Are there some healthy, fun options around you? I wonder if the youths bother you because they know they'll get a reaction out of you?

 

I'm really sorry to hear your grandad is in the hospital. I can sense you're overwhelmed with what is happening with your friendships and other family members. Do you want to have more contact with your brother?

 

What are some things you do to take care of your health? How has diabetes affected your life?

 

What are some things you could do to make your life better, do you think?

 

 

-willow

[randomguy]

I've finished college and on summer holidays.

 

I don't know

 

The things i do is cycle and if my friends are free to hang out with them.

 

Sometimes i i guess the youths could be doing stuff because of that as they went to the same school.

 

I do want to but my brother doesn't want to.

 

I guess i'm just used to my diabeties as i've had it for 12 years. But stress always makes my blood go high and that can make me do stupid things to sometimes.

 

 

i just want to stop getting in trobule with the law because that makes me feel i'm going down wrong path and before when the police have been involved. I'm always reluctant to tell them about above. It's hard enough typing it out.

 

 

 

 

[Willow]

Hey RandomGuy,

 

Ah yeah! Of course!

 

What if you let your brother know how much it would mean to you to have a better relationship with him? Even if you two just had a call once a week, or every other week?

 

I wonder what you're worried the police will do if you shared the information with them? I think it's always better to have people who understand your situation and support you...

 

That's so great that you know stress causes high blood pressure, and consequently you do things you might regret. It's really powerful knowledge!

 

Thank you for sharing ?

 

 

-willo

[randomguy]

Thanks, I would but as i said i don't keep in contact anymore because my brother didn't want to.

 

I would, it's just in all my life i've always been reluctant to open up about problems to authorities and even my mum. However i do tell my best friend and she's the only one that knows. Anyone else i'm reluctant too. A similar thing happened yesterday.

 

Also even now i find it hard as my english grandad passed away yesterday. So the only grandparents i have left are my Dutch grandparents who live in Netherlands.

 

Although the positive thing is I'm going on holiday to Netherlands too see my dad, step brother and dutch grandparents in August but then i also don't want to do anything else stupid especially when i arrive in the Netherlands. :/

 

*blood sugar not pressure

[Willow]

Hey RandomGuy,

 

Oh, I'm so so sorry to hear about your grandad ? It's difficult when there's less and less family members. I take it this is your mom's dad? I can imagine this is hard for her, too.

 

That's exciting about a holiday to the Netherlands, though! It sounds you're aware of things you might do that get you into trouble.. maybe you can talk to your dad about helping make sure you don't get into trouble?

 

And yes! Balanced blood sugar levels are so important!!!

 

 

-willow

[randomguy]

Thanks yeah.

 

But i feel like everyday gets worse.

 

Like earlier today:

Everything went fine till cycling home from a doctor's appointment. On the way home i ended up stopping because i felt a bit weird. After that i kicked a delivery van, they got annnoyed and decided to grab my bike. I walked away so i didn't do anything stupid and to sort my sugar out (because it was low which is why i ended up kicking it) and when i went back the van and my bike were not their. So now they've technically stolen my bike. I ended up reporting this through the police departments online form. Incase they end up handing my bike in (which i doubt)

 

What i find annoying is i could of prevented this by testing before i cycled and not having my bike means i cant volunteer as it's the only way i get somewhere i volunteer at :'(

 

cycling is also the one thing that keeps me motivated everyday

 

Why is my life like this?

 

ps this is already affecting my sleep as i shouldn't be up at 00:25.

 

Also i'm too afraid to tell my mum about above

[Willow]

Hi RandomGuy,

 

Wow, you were able to learn a lot about yourself, today!

 

I'm really proud that you decided to walk away from the delivery van-- that showed real control. Do you remember the name of the delivery company? Maybe you can contact them to try to get your bike back? But great thinking regarding using the online forum to report the incident to the police.

 

You're seeing how things can be prevented if you stay on top of your blood sugar level.

 

Your mom might be able to help in getting your bike back... especially if she knows your police officer neighbors!

 

I want you to have a bike again. It's important that you have the thing that motivates you!

 

 

-willow

 

 

[randomguy]

I did actually email the company as well yesterday and it said they should reply within next . working day

 

Yeah i know but i know my mum going to be cross if i tell her as you know what parents are like. Also most of my neighbours are working for a different police department. Not the local one. So i dunno how that will help. I did get a reply from police saying the officer dealing with it will contact me when next on duty.

 

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

[Willow]

Hey RandomGuy,

 

Great work! I'm looking forward to hearing more about what you hear back from the company and the police.

 

-willow

[randomguy]

Thanks.

 

The company just said they'll investagate what happened that day with their manager and that i should report to police (which i did)

 

it's just annoying but then on the positive side at least i can still get to some places by walking or bus.

 

ps: i should tell my mum, incases the police end up contacting my mum but i dunno what to tell her. :::::/

 

[Willow]

Hey RandomGuy,

 

Awesome work. You've really learned so much through this experience! And I think that's what you can tell you mom-- that you made a mistake, but are doing your best to make things right.

 

What do you think?

 

Are you reminding yourself to check your blood sugar more regularly?

 

 

-willow

[randomguy]

Thanks and yeah.

 

I had my grandads funeral yesterday and Pepper (My hamster) passed away same day Before that Pepper and my bike was what helped me get through this stuff but i feel like i having nothing apart from friends & family and i don't want to go back to my old route because then that will be the wrong path

[Willow]

Hey RandomGuy,

 

Wow. I'm so sorry ? That's so much loss to work through in a short amount of time.

 

I remembering you telling me that Pepper in your life really kept you grounded. The fact that you had Pepper who needed you helped you have a role.

 

Is it too early to tell if you would consider getting another pet?

 

What I've been finding, lately, is that a lot of people are experiencing transitions. Changes in jobs, houses, family dynamics, friendships, etc. This moment is just a challenge to work through.

 

I found it helpful to speak to a grief counselor. It can be just for a short time, but there's useful information and opportunities to work through grief. Not a lot of young people have to go through the grief you are going through.

 

I'm sad to hear Pepper is gone... but I wonder if it's helpful that you don't have to worry about Pepper while you're on holiday seeing your dad? You can experience the trip to the Netherlands fully?

 

Has there been any news about your bike? Did you talk to your mom about getting another bike?

 

 

-willow

[randomguy]

Yeah things are a little better I got a new bike although I had to get a replacement due to the cranks not working but that ones fine now. As for a new pet I'll be moving house soon. So I know my mums most likely to say not till we move. Which is best for the pets health to avoid stressing him out.

[Willow]

Hey RandomGuy,

 

I thought about you, yesterday! So great to hear of an update.

 

Glad you got a new bike! And you'll, hopefully, be getting a new pet after the move. That's awesome! -- Some really positive things are happening!

 

How are you feeling about the move?

 

 

-willow