Hello!

[Atahualpa]

Hello, I’ve just created this account in the hopes of addressing some recent introspection I’ve had about my identity. Upon viewing some posts on this board, I have to say the supportive environment here is truly incredible. (Note: this post ended up being very long, and I can’t say I’m certain it’s being sent to the right place. Apologies for both of these things)

For a very long time until about two weeks ago I was confident that I was heterosexual. However, recent events in my life involving emotional challenges and pressures created by my transition to university amid such strange present circumstances, I began to reflect on my identity.

I have found that my experience in sexuality is perhaps not what I thought it was. It’s occurred to me that although I have found people attractive, I have no desire to enter an intimate relationship with these people. 

I have felt romantic attraction to at least one person. However, sexual attraction is not something I think I feel. However, I’m unsure, and I doubt myself about this assertion every day. I fear that my mind may be trying to find a backdoor to avoid the sexual pressures of our society. Then again, the only times I have thought about finding a girlfriend have been in the context that it’s “what I should do.”

When I’m watching something and a sex scene appears, I skip it. I find the concept of an exclusively sexual relationship unfathomable, and I place importance on romantic actions. However, the concept of two people (of any orientation) in a committed, sexual-romantic relationship is a great feeling in my imagination, even though I’m not sure I want that myself. 

After doing some self-guided research, I found that I may be gray-asexual. There are so many micro-labels that I found, it felt like I was looking into a vast library of vaguely relatable ideas. 

What sticks to me, though, is that I still find women attractive, despite my lack of a desire for intimate contact. That part has me deeply conflicted.

Am I asexual, or just afraid? Am I appropriating the label to relieve one of the many pressures I face?  I almost feel like I’m lying when I write this, even though these are my experiences. Hopefully this new account will help me sort out these questions, and perhaps talk to people in similar circumstances. 

Everyone on this board is a beautiful soul, and I hope you’re all well today.

[Monsoon]

Hello @Atahualpa

Welcome to our community. I'm one of the support mentors and I give advice to those who reach out to us. I find one of your final comments quite interesting where you said that you almost feel like you're lying when you wrote your topic. I'm wondering, can you tell me more about this?