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I am afraid of life, not of death


Sweddle
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It is simply overwhelming for me. I've been sincerely the top of my class from first grade up to my last year in high school. Only then did I realize that I had spent all these years studying just to seek pleasure out of science, where in fact science has nothing to offer. My first love rejected me 5 years ago, another girl I liked was just out of my league and now I am about to drop out of Medical School because there is nothing ahead of me. I don't care about money, beauty, glory, sex, success and that's the problem. My family is being torn apart by my passiveness, they only know to push me into doing things and that just makes it worse for me. I live in isolation now, all my friends are either in school or employed, while I stay locked in home with my family members. Sometimes I just wish I would drop dead somewhere, I don't care about anything any more.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Sweddle thank you so much for sharing how you are feeling. You matter to us and I'm sure so many others - can I ask, do you have a plan to take your life? Try and remember that feelings can and do change and there is help available. If things get too much please do use the crisis resources below:

 

 Please do let us know so we know you are safe and we can start to support you through this.

 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hello @Sweddle

I'm sorry to hear you feel awful, but also glad to learn that you aren't that interested in suicide. From your first post, it kind of sounds like things have been building up for a while and that now it's all at the surface. How does it feel opening up about this? I hope you're feeling a little bit better today. I'm wondering, what do you think is the best thing for you right now? What do you need to really help get yourself back on the right track? 

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It makes me feel weak to open up, but I thought to give it a try. For now, I believe the best thing for me is to try to find out what's making me feel this bad.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

I completely get the whole weak feeling, but honestly, it's such a sign of strength to open up. I can imagine that this is really hard for you to talk about, but even just sharing with someone else can help you feel like a weight has been lifted. Also yeah, I'm wondering, do you have any ideas as to why you might be feeling this way? 

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I think it's because I feel like I have wasted my high school years and now I am too late to enjoy my youth.

A few months after the first high school year began, I fell in love for the first time and it was just the strongest emotion I have ever felt. I soon found out that the girl I was into was already with someone else. That hit me really bad, I became delusional and tried to be as close to her as possible. I tried to be present in every event she took part in, with the vague hope of getting some feedback from her. I was obsessed with her, I didn't care about studying any more. I cried a lot and hurt myself in different ways to relieve my inner pain. Second school year began and she realized that I was still trying to win her love, so she made it clear that she didn't care about me. My obsession ceased immediately, I was filled with determination to surpass her in every academical aspect. I took part in many events and studied extremely hard, there's was nothing I couldn't do. I received a lot of praise from teachers, but still it felt like it wasn't enough for me. Later that year, I had a crush on one of my classmates, I gazed at her repeatedly, but I never told her anything about the way I felt, I was convinced she already had a crush on somebody else and even if she didn't she would never pick a bookworm like me.

Third school year began, my first love graduated before me and I never saw her again in person. That year things became messy, I studied but eventually grew tired of it, I was aching to tell my crush what I felt for her, however I never did. After my graduation, I went into Medical School, but I had to take an hour trip two times a day and my grades suffered from it. Yet, I managed to pass 7 out of 9 exams, this was last year's summer. I realized then, that something was wrong with me, I was feel motivated enough to move on so I asked my family if I could get a one year break, they didn't agree. This year, I haven't even touched the books, I have failed all my classes. My mother held me responsible for my failures, even though I had already told her I wasn't feeling good. Now she has partially realized that something's wrong with me, she doesn't push me that much but still demands that I resume my studies once summer is over. I asked her if I could get a job just to take my mind off school, but she didn't allow me.

I can't do this anymore, if I don't study my family looks at me like some sort of parasite, I am that disgusted by books that I cannot even read those that once brought me pleasure. Now, nothing gives me pleasure. I feel like my family has imprisoned me, they seem not to understand that I am dead inside.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hello @Sweddle

Thank you for telling me more about your life and how that links to what you're feeling now. I can see how difficult things have been for you. To love someone and not be able to be with them is heartbreaking. We can feel so lost during something like this, and I really do hope that you have been able to move forward. How are you feeling about it all?

To be honest, from what you've said, it sounds like you really need a break. I know that you said you feel like you're too late to enjoy your youth, but I'm sure there will be things you can do to feel that enjoyment. I can see that you'd like to take a one year break, but I'm wondering, instead, could you maybe take a smaller one just to get away for a bit, like a term perhaps? 

 

 

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That's what I am currently doing, the problem is that I started this short break around April, but my next school term begins in October. We are basically in August now and I don't feel ready to move forward. Every time I start reading or engage in something, I immediately start questioning the importance of what I am doing.

"Why am I reading fiction? It won't help me become a medic or a responsible adult"

"Why do they have to make things so complicated in this driver's guide? Do I really need to waste an hour of my day just to memorize a few road signs?"

"Why do I bother working out when I have low social skills?"

What's worse is that just when something starts looking good(a well shot photo, a drawing or clay sculpture I make) I mess it up along the way and this frustrates me so much that I quit whatever I am doing. Every single mistake makes me feel like a total disgrace. I am 20, I am supposed to be skillful enough to live by myself, but I am failing at such simple tasks.  Occasionally, I actually do something right, but it feels like people around me don't appreciate it enough.

Flipping through pages of my school books, I can't help but remind myself that I need 5 more years to get my degree and it just disgusts me when I picture my future self as a young adult that has buried himself in books for years and has no life experience at all. I can't stand the idea of becoming a total wuss just for the sake of my education. I believe this is the reason why I think about my high school years and regret not being a normal adolescent during that time. I compare myself to my friends and notice how childish and naive I am for my age. My parents don't seem to understand this, as if they firmly believed that getting a degree is enough to be confident in your life. I really see the years I am living in as the last chance to get to know the real world and actually learn to act as an adult, but my family keeps preventing me from doing so and I can't help feeling as their puppet.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Sweddle

I'm wondering, why do you think you're questioning the importance of what you're doing when you're just doing day-to-day things like reading fiction? It kind of sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to put 110% into things, and it's totally normal to feel like everything you do has to be related to further your career or education, but it's also good to just do things that you enjoy for the fun of it, rather than them having to have some benefit for your future. It sounds like you complete a task, or start it, and then become frustrated by all of the things you don't like, or small mistakes. I'm wondering, could it be better to try to change your perspective a little? For example, when you make a small mistake, like in drawing, could you pick out three things you like instead of focusing on the one thing you don't? 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Sorry for the late reply Monsoon. This month I have been overwhelmed by my feelings, which I believe have remained unchanged. However, I want to share with you what I've done so far.

First off, I have had the idea of writing something fictional. Something that resembles an encyclopedia of an imaginary universe, filled with detailed descriptions of its life forms and civilizations. To accompany the descriptions, I actually sketched some beautiful images of the animals the universe features. I actually grew fond of this project and started to enjoy it, since I couldn't wait to see the reaction other people would have when they read about all these made up creatures so well described. One of them is the sweddle, thus the origin of my username.

However something got in the way, three weeks ago I came across a malnourished stray puppy hanging along a sidewalk. It looked hopeless, its snout had lost its fur from a disease and one of its hind legs had been paralyzed from the knee down so the puppy would drag the leg and scratch its paw so much that its skin had worn off. I felt very bad, so I got the puppy some milk and stayed with it for I don't know how long. It got dark and I decided to host the puppy in my home until it would regain its health.

Ever since I have been caring for her in the hope that I will find someone else willing to adopt her. We as a family, fed her, treated her skin disease and got a vet to amputate her paralyzed leg. She is fine now, but she is getting attached to me and I start worrying about our separation, from this worrying I seem to have spiraled back to my depression. It won't be long before school begins, my grandmother knows this and keeps repeating me that I cannot keep the dog(as if I didn't know that) and study at the same time. She says this almost on a regular basis and I feel like I am going mad from the frustration. Today we were chatting and there she goes with the same subject, I was so angry I wanted flip the table over and yell at her, but I restrained myself and that made me feel worse. My dad has become over attached to me, he keeps treating me like a child(he even wants to clean my glasses for me when I don't need it) and if I disagree he throws a tantrum and walks away, as if it was all my fault. I am surrounded by all these responsibilities: the dog needs attention, grandma wants the dog gone, dad wants to be right about anything, school begins in one month and most of all, I need to take care of myself.

Things have leaped backwards for me, depression is back and now I am dull, nothing can make me feel better. What do you think I should do?

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Sweddle

It's nice to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling this month and that your feelings haven't changed. I think you did such a wonderful thing by taking the dog in and nursing them back to good health. I wonder, is there a way of keeping the dog at all? Maybe your family could help to look after it, like your dad? I think that from what you've said, it sounds like you need some time away from your family if that's possible. It seems like you're all annoying each other, and when this happens, it can be good to just have a bit of a break. What do you think? Is there anyone else you could stay with for a few days perhaps?

Also, i'm thinking, now that the dog is better, could you maybe get back into your encyclopaedia project? It sounds like it was really helping you to distract yourself and feel better, so now the dog is better, it might be a good time to get back into it. What do you reckon? Speak soon and take care. 

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