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Sweddle

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  1. Sorry for the late reply Monsoon. This month I have been overwhelmed by my feelings, which I believe have remained unchanged. However, I want to share with you what I've done so far. First off, I have had the idea of writing something fictional. Something that resembles an encyclopedia of an imaginary universe, filled with detailed descriptions of its life forms and civilizations. To accompany the descriptions, I actually sketched some beautiful images of the animals the universe features. I actually grew fond of this project and started to enjoy it, since I couldn't wait to see the reaction other people would have when they read about all these made up creatures so well described. One of them is the sweddle, thus the origin of my username. However something got in the way, three weeks ago I came across a malnourished stray puppy hanging along a sidewalk. It looked hopeless, its snout had lost its fur from a disease and one of its hind legs had been paralyzed from the knee down so the puppy would drag the leg and scratch its paw so much that its skin had worn off. I felt very bad, so I got the puppy some milk and stayed with it for I don't know how long. It got dark and I decided to host the puppy in my home until it would regain its health. Ever since I have been caring for her in the hope that I will find someone else willing to adopt her. We as a family, fed her, treated her skin disease and got a vet to amputate her paralyzed leg. She is fine now, but she is getting attached to me and I start worrying about our separation, from this worrying I seem to have spiraled back to my depression. It won't be long before school begins, my grandmother knows this and keeps repeating me that I cannot keep the dog(as if I didn't know that) and study at the same time. She says this almost on a regular basis and I feel like I am going mad from the frustration. Today we were chatting and there she goes with the same subject, I was so angry I wanted flip the table over and yell at her, but I restrained myself and that made me feel worse. My dad has become over attached to me, he keeps treating me like a child(he even wants to clean my glasses for me when I don't need it) and if I disagree he throws a tantrum and walks away, as if it was all my fault. I am surrounded by all these responsibilities: the dog needs attention, grandma wants the dog gone, dad wants to be right about anything, school begins in one month and most of all, I need to take care of myself. Things have leaped backwards for me, depression is back and now I am dull, nothing can make me feel better. What do you think I should do?
  2. That's what I am currently doing, the problem is that I started this short break around April, but my next school term begins in October. We are basically in August now and I don't feel ready to move forward. Every time I start reading or engage in something, I immediately start questioning the importance of what I am doing. "Why am I reading fiction? It won't help me become a medic or a responsible adult" "Why do they have to make things so complicated in this driver's guide? Do I really need to waste an hour of my day just to memorize a few road signs?" "Why do I bother working out when I have low social skills?" What's worse is that just when something starts looking good(a well shot photo, a drawing or clay sculpture I make) I mess it up along the way and this frustrates me so much that I quit whatever I am doing. Every single mistake makes me feel like a total disgrace. I am 20, I am supposed to be skillful enough to live by myself, but I am failing at such simple tasks. Occasionally, I actually do something right, but it feels like people around me don't appreciate it enough. Flipping through pages of my school books, I can't help but remind myself that I need 5 more years to get my degree and it just disgusts me when I picture my future self as a young adult that has buried himself in books for years and has no life experience at all. I can't stand the idea of becoming a total wuss just for the sake of my education. I believe this is the reason why I think about my high school years and regret not being a normal adolescent during that time. I compare myself to my friends and notice how childish and naive I am for my age. My parents don't seem to understand this, as if they firmly believed that getting a degree is enough to be confident in your life. I really see the years I am living in as the last chance to get to know the real world and actually learn to act as an adult, but my family keeps preventing me from doing so and I can't help feeling as their puppet.
  3. I think it's because I feel like I have wasted my high school years and now I am too late to enjoy my youth. A few months after the first high school year began, I fell in love for the first time and it was just the strongest emotion I have ever felt. I soon found out that the girl I was into was already with someone else. That hit me really bad, I became delusional and tried to be as close to her as possible. I tried to be present in every event she took part in, with the vague hope of getting some feedback from her. I was obsessed with her, I didn't care about studying any more. I cried a lot and hurt myself in different ways to relieve my inner pain. Second school year began and she realized that I was still trying to win her love, so she made it clear that she didn't care about me. My obsession ceased immediately, I was filled with determination to surpass her in every academical aspect. I took part in many events and studied extremely hard, there's was nothing I couldn't do. I received a lot of praise from teachers, but still it felt like it wasn't enough for me. Later that year, I had a crush on one of my classmates, I gazed at her repeatedly, but I never told her anything about the way I felt, I was convinced she already had a crush on somebody else and even if she didn't she would never pick a bookworm like me. Third school year began, my first love graduated before me and I never saw her again in person. That year things became messy, I studied but eventually grew tired of it, I was aching to tell my crush what I felt for her, however I never did. After my graduation, I went into Medical School, but I had to take an hour trip two times a day and my grades suffered from it. Yet, I managed to pass 7 out of 9 exams, this was last year's summer. I realized then, that something was wrong with me, I was feel motivated enough to move on so I asked my family if I could get a one year break, they didn't agree. This year, I haven't even touched the books, I have failed all my classes. My mother held me responsible for my failures, even though I had already told her I wasn't feeling good. Now she has partially realized that something's wrong with me, she doesn't push me that much but still demands that I resume my studies once summer is over. I asked her if I could get a job just to take my mind off school, but she didn't allow me. I can't do this anymore, if I don't study my family looks at me like some sort of parasite, I am that disgusted by books that I cannot even read those that once brought me pleasure. Now, nothing gives me pleasure. I feel like my family has imprisoned me, they seem not to understand that I am dead inside.
  4. It makes me feel weak to open up, but I thought to give it a try. For now, I believe the best thing for me is to try to find out what's making me feel this bad.
  5. I feel awful, but I am not that interested in suicide.
  6. It is simply overwhelming for me. I've been sincerely the top of my class from first grade up to my last year in high school. Only then did I realize that I had spent all these years studying just to seek pleasure out of science, where in fact science has nothing to offer. My first love rejected me 5 years ago, another girl I liked was just out of my league and now I am about to drop out of Medical School because there is nothing ahead of me. I don't care about money, beauty, glory, sex, success and that's the problem. My family is being torn apart by my passiveness, they only know to push me into doing things and that just makes it worse for me. I live in isolation now, all my friends are either in school or employed, while I stay locked in home with my family members. Sometimes I just wish I would drop dead somewhere, I don't care about anything any more.
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