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Afraid to come out


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Hi, my name is Jo. I came out to myself last year as being bisexual and have kept that a secret ever since. I feel like it’s such a huge burden weighing down on me and I really want to start being my authentic self and let the people in my life know about my sexual orientation, but just the thought of disclosing my truth to my family brings me so much anxiety. My family are quite conservative and are of an Asian background where queer people aren’t as accepted into society. My parents have also previously expressed homophobic beliefs which makes me feel even more intimidated to come out. I feel like currently I’m stuck in a toxic environment where i’m unable to express my feelings to anyone or be 100% myself which feels so suffocating, and being in quarantine doesn’t really help with that.

I know I’m probably rambling but I just feel like I need to let so much out but I don’t exactly have anyone that I can open upto about all of this.

There’s times where I just hope that if one day I ever want to end up getting married, it’s to a guy - so I could just straight-pass for the rest of my life and kept my identity hidden from my parents, but that just stresses me out because being bisexual means more to me than just being a sexual preference. And not being able to express that to the people in my life really bothers me.

It’s even more difficult because right now there’s this girl that I really like and its like I conciously try avoid talking about her so my parents or friends don’t suspect anything.

I don’t know where i’m going with this but I just wanted to find a space where I could maybe find some people who I could speak to about my sexuality, since I’m unable to do that with anyone in real life. It’s just that these days I feel like my anxiety and depression is getting so much worse with me being caged in the house (literally) and feeling pressured to always be someone who I’m not.

I guess i’m just frustrated that I always have to be this stereotypical “good asian�. Its even in the other aspects of my life such as being forced to pursue a career in medicine and being unable to actually go out and socialise. It’s hard because my parents have always enforced these things on me and have always controlled and micromanaged every aspect of my life. I had no choice but to immerse myself in science and accept a medical course at uni which I have to start in September, and just abandon my creative side because medicine is a more “stable financial career� and art is “just a waste of time�.

I feel like at this point I’m just about to implode with everything that’s going and each day I ache to just stand upto my parents and put my foot down but it’s not as simple as that as every time I’ve tried I just get shut down. I don’t have any other relatives that i’m close with as they always side with my parents and have a similar belief systems- besides, they live in asia so leaving home to live with them was never an option.

I’m sorry that everything was so jumbled up, i guess i started off ranting about one thing and it just escalated into multiple things- but I don’t really know what to do and I don’t know how to start being more myself and whether I should come out or not. It just feels like such a lose-lose situation.

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Hey Jo. Welcome to our community. We are here to help you through this - you are not alone :)


I'm sorry to hear about all of this. It sounds like you've really been struggling with it. Your feelings are completely understandable. When we can't be our authentic selves, this can affect our mental health and increase anxiety and depression. It sounds like your environment at home is quite tough and high pressure and I can't imagine how hard this is for you.


Do you feel like it's safe to come out to your family? We would only suggest that you go through with it if there's no chance of you being put in any danger e.g. being kicked out. If there is, would it be better for you to wait until you're old enough to support yourself? We care about your safety and want to make sure that you're not put in any kind of danger. Also, do you feel ready to come out? There really is no rush to do it if you don't feel ready. Coming out is your journey and you get to call the shots on this.


With your mental health, it sounds like you could really do with a boost at the moment. What things have you done in the past to help your mental health? Here are some support guides that you might find useful:






Btw, for now, could you keep your creative side flowing through hobbies? This could improve your mental health too and give you a sense of control over things :)


Let me know what you think of all this. If you don't find it useful, we can figure something else out.


Chin up, Jo. You're doing really well. Speak soon.



Edited by Monsoon


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Hi Monsoon,

Thanks so much for all of the advice, the links are actually quite helpful- the last one in particular I found really useful.

As for coming out, I feel like it wouldn’t go down well with my parents if they found out and I’m not sure if it would be safe for me mentally as I know their response would definitely be negative. It’s just that as long as I’m keeping it a secret, I feel like I’m living a lie. I keep telling myself that maybe it would be best if they never knew about that side of me but then i have these days where i really crave for them to see me for what i am and actually accept that. So it’s been this internal battle of trying not to let them know for my own safety whilst trying not to be overwhelmed about having to be someone who I’m not.

This might sound weird but do you know if there’s anything I could do to stay closeted but still feel like I’m being my authentic self. Or is there some way to help quell the urge to come out to them?

Thanks so much again,


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Hey Jo,


I'm glad that you found the links helpful. Have you tried any of the strategies yet? There really are so many simple things you can do to help your mental health and those support guides are a great starting point. The simple strategies might help you feel better in general.


As I said in my last post, your safety is our main priority, and we would hate for you to be mentally unsafe by coming out. I understand why you feel like you're living a lie and that you wouldn't feel mentally safe coming out to them. However, the impact of not being our true authentic selves can also harmful. Some parents do have a bad reaction to their child coming out which can be for many reasons such as culture, religion, upbringing, and past experiences. However, many parents do come around to the news, but they might just need some time to really process it which means that although it could be tricky at first, it can get better. Here's an article with more info about this: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/my-par...me-coming-out/. I completely respect and understand your feelings about coming out, and I trust that you will make the right decision for you. You do not have to come out to anyone if you don't feel ready.


Are there any situations where you feel like you can be your authentic self e.g. with people who know about your sexuality? If so, you could spend more time hanging out with them as you might feel more able to be authentic around those people. Also, are there any LGBTQIA+ groups in your area that you could join? If not, we can help you to find some online. Let me know what you think of all this. If you don't find it helpful, we can come up with something else.


Speak soon,

- Monsoon


Edited by Monsoon


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