rant What am I supposed to do now?

[TheTwenty1]

CN: Sexual Assault

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So, I'm a non-binary, panromantic, demisexual human being whose mom comitted suicide when I was in 7th grade. I was also diagnosed with depression in 5th grade and dissociative identity disorder. in 8th grade. I have HOOORRIBLE social anxiety and I live in a homophobic, close-minded country.

 

Biggest problem ever, my dad is a pastor that refuses to accept me.

 

Oh, and I was sexually assaulted twice, once when I was in 3rd grade by my school principal and the other time last December at a party. I'm the only LGBT person I know and I have nobody mature to talk to about my sexuality because my dad hates talking about it and I go to a Christian school so if I tell my teachers, I'll get expelled.

 

I got kicked out of my house on Friday night because I got into an argument with my dad, and I had to walk 9 miles to another city where we had an old house that O could still get into. I had to walk all the way back as well on Saturday night for my friend's birthday party, where my dad came and picked me up, only to leave me on the street. He ordered me to go to church on Sunday, and that he'd talk to me there. Come Sunday night, I go to church and my dad tells me I can return home, but I'd have to walk basically 10 miles back to our house because he wasn't going to give me a ride back. I have horrible blisters on my feet, and I had to walk with crocs because I had no shoes and the ground was 102*F so the ground literally melted my crocs as I walked back. I got back to my house at 11:30 at night, only to have inorbitous amounts of homework because 10th grade is hard and private schools are hard. I finished my Spanish homework and nothing else because I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I had to show up to school and people just thought I was too lazy to work and blah blah blah, when in reality, I'm facing the worst conditions I can. I always show up to everywhere I go with a smile on my face, albeit a fake one.

 

I can't take it anymore. No one, and I mean no one, has got any clue to the horrible mental pain I've had to go through JUST to be the funny/invible/awkward kid who talks to everyone yet is an introvert and is labeled as "gay" because "oanromatic demisexual" is too long.

 

I'm so tired of everyone bitching about the stupid English assignment when I had to complete while also dealing with abuse from my father, indifference from my authorities, and ignorance from my peers. I'm growing completely resented to my classmates and friends, even though I don't want to.

 

I need help. I can't tell my therapist because she always snitches on my dad. I can't take this to my dad because I'd get kicked out indefinitely. This is literally my last effort. I am so lost, and emotionally exhausted, and sad. I don't even have something like "college" to look forward to because my grades have been slipping up so much, because of my horrible trauma, that I can no longer get a scholarship, and college is too expensive to my dad without a scholarship. I have nothing. No love, no motivation, no support. I only have my computer, and this link.

 

Dear God, I need help.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Remi
Edited to include content notice

[Blondie]

@TheTwenty1

 

 

I’m really pleased you’ve found our community and we’re here for you.

It can be exhausting to try and put a ‘face on’ for the world when you’re actually feeling really low and dealing with a lot - your safety and wellbeing is paramount to us - were either of the sexual assaults reported? You absolutely deserve to be listened to and action to be taken against the perpetrators.

 

I’m concerned that your therapist reports back to your dad - it’s one thing to share any safeguarding concerns while you are a minor but you need to feel like you can speak openly and honestly. Can you discuss this with her or her manager?

 

It’s tough to feel that a wonderful, unique part of us isn’t accepted by those we love and although this may change with time it’s vital to have a good support network in place (we of course are here, but I also mean in person). Do you know if there are any LGBTQ+ networks nearby within the community? These are often vital resources in being with people that truly understand what you are going through. Have you been kicked out before?

 

Have you ever chatted with your friends about some of what you are dealing with? Depending on the nature of the friendship they might be a valuable line of support.

 

I’m sorry for so many questions - it’s good to get a fuller understanding so we can help you better. ​​​​​​​

 

[TheTwenty1]

@TheTwenty1

 

 

I’m really pleased you’ve found our community and we’re here for you.

It can be exhausting to try and put a ‘face on’ for the world when you’re actually feeling really low and dealing with a lot - your safety and wellbeing is paramount to us - were either of the sexual assaults reported? You absolutely deserve to be listened to and action to be taken against the perpetrators.

 

I’m concerned that your therapist reports back to your dad - it’s one thing to share any safeguarding concerns while you are a minor but you need to feel like you can speak openly and honestly. Can you discuss this with her or her manager?

 

It’s tough to feel that a wonderful, unique part of us isn’t accepted by those we love and although this may change with time it’s vital to have a good support network in place (we of course are here, but I also mean in person). Do you know if there are any LGBTQ+ networks nearby within the community? These are often vital resources in being with people that truly understand what you are going through. Have you been kicked out before?

 

Have you ever chatted with your friends about some of what you are dealing with? Depending on the nature of the friendship they might be a valuable line of support.

 

I’m sorry for so many questions - it’s good to get a fuller understanding so we can help you better. ​​​​​​​

CN: S*xual Assault

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My orginal sexual assault I did try to speak up about it, which resulted in my parents making me chnage schools. My most recent one, unfortunately I have no evidence or witnesses and the horrible person that comitted it has apparently left the country and I can't find them anywhere to even get their full name. I can't report my therapist to anyone, she's her own manager and she's an friend of my dad, and she's the only person he'd let me see. I don't have any LGBT+ communities near me, as my country is incredibly close-minded (again, I'm the only LGBT+ person I've ever met). I have tried to talk to my close friends, but no one understands and, even though they offer emotional support which I can't put a price on, I'm not receiving any advice.

 

Additionally, my family (both from my mom and dad's sides) are very religious. They have always made offensive jokes and used slurs, and I can't go to them for advice.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Remi

[Remi]

Hello @TheTwenty1

 

It sounds like you have been through a lot, and you are an incredibly strong person. I'm sorry this therapist isn't more helpful for you. In the therapist code of ethics, there should be confidentiality so it sounds like this is not appropriate.

I feel online communities (like this one) will be the best way for you to get support right now, there are also a wealth of charities that have online services you can access for advice.

 

I get that you are exhausted but push on with school as it could be your ticket out of the situation you are in. Try to look at what is important to you right now and what you can control about the situation and what you can't.

 

We are here for you if you need support or advice.

 

-Remi