I feel kinda hopeless for my future dating life lolz

[AJlikesstuff666]

so uh yeah. basically im trans (ftm) and gay, and I feel like nobody will ever actually like me. in my head being gay is only for cis guys and trans guys like me will only get fetishized or get the "its okay im bi" comment. I think the only way a relationship would work if I over sexualize myself for the guy, or just dont have sex ever at all. that doesn't seem like a good balance tho. maybe this isn't the kind of stuff I should be thinking about at 14, but its not like im planning to do it anytime soon. honestly the best option seems to be having a trans partner like myself, but I feel like their dysphoria might just double on mine and we'd make each other worse. even if its more comfortable having a partner go through the same experiences as you, I think I'd rather a cis partner just because I might feel more cis that way. idk tho. I might also just be ugly so maybe that helps with the Unappealing aura that I seem to have

[Aurora]

10 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

so uh yeah. basically im trans (ftm) and gay, and I feel like nobody will ever actually like me. in my head being gay is only for cis guys and trans guys like me will only get fetishized or get the "its okay im bi" comment. I think the only way a relationship would work if I over sexualize myself for the guy, or just dont have sex ever at all. that doesn't seem like a good balance tho. maybe this isn't the kind of stuff I should be thinking about at 14, but its not like im planning to do it anytime soon. honestly the best option seems to be having a trans partner like myself, but I feel like their dysphoria might just double on mine and we'd make each other worse. even if its more comfortable having a partner go through the same experiences as you, I think I'd rather a cis partner just because I might feel more cis that way. idk tho. I might also just be ugly so maybe that helps with the Unappealing aura that I seem to have

Hi @AJlikesstuff666, thank you so much for opening up about the things you have been worrying about when it comes to dating. I know it's not always easy to talk about our own insecurities and I would like to thank you for being so open. Do you mind me asking, whether you have come out to people yet? I know that this is a very personal question, so please don't feel you have to answer, if you don't feel comfortable to. The only reason why I am asking this is because I am trying to understand your situation a bit better. 

Can I also ask, whether you have any trans and/or gay friends or family members. Again please don't feel you have to answer, if you don't feel comfortable to. You mentioned that in your head being gay is only for cis guys and I was just wondering, where that thought might be coming from. If you could reframe that belief, what do you think a more balanced/helpful belief might be? 

I noticed that you mentioned dysphoria and also feeling ugly and I hope you don't mind me saying this but I get the impression that you are feeling pretty insecure at the moment. Is that a fair observation, do you think? One of the things that I have noticed about dating is that if we are worried that we will never find a partner it can be helpful to focus on ourselves and our own confidence. Often, once we start to feel more confident in ourselves, others will start to notice us more and we will find it easier to approach/connect with people we like or are interested in. What do you think? I would be keen to hear your thoughts on this. 

[AJlikesstuff666]

12 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @AJlikesstuff666, thank you so much for opening up about the things you have been worrying about when it comes to dating. I know it's not always easy to talk about our own insecurities and I would like to thank you for being so open. Do you mind me asking, whether you have come out to people yet? I know that this is a very personal question, so please don't feel you have to answer, if you don't feel comfortable to. The only reason why I am asking this is because I am trying to understand your situation a bit better. 

Can I also ask, whether you have any trans and/or gay friends or family members. Again please don't feel you have to answer, if you don't feel comfortable to. You mentioned that in your head being gay is only for cis guys and I was just wondering, where that thought might be coming from. If you could reframe that belief, what do you think a more balanced/helpful belief might be? 

I noticed that you mentioned dysphoria and also feeling ugly and I hope you don't mind me saying this but I get the impression that you are feeling pretty insecure at the moment. Is that a fair observation, do you think? One of the things that I have noticed about dating is that if we are worried that we will never find a partner it can be helpful to focus on ourselves and our own confidence. Often, once we start to feel more confident in ourselves, others will start to notice us more and we will find it easier to approach/connect with people we like or are interested in. What do you think? I would be keen to hear your thoughts on this. 

I am out as a trans guy to all my teachers and people at school, im out as trans and gay to all my friends, and my parents know of all this but they dont support and still deadname and dont use my pronouns. I have an older "cousin" (very close family friend) who's in college, she's pansexual and cis. ive been trying my hardest to work on myself but it feels like all my efforts are in vain because ive been working as hard as my discipline and current situation will allow me, but Im pretty sure im getting nowhere with it. my looks have improved a bit but honestly I have the same confidence level as I did in 6th grade (not good.) im not sure how to reframe the being gay is only 4 cis guys thing but I guess what im trying to say is that trans men dont have that much appeal outside t4t relationships. nobody's ever had a crush on me either so I dont think that helps :(

[Aurora]

On 9/25/2024 at 12:23 AM, AJlikesstuff666 said:

I am out as a trans guy to all my teachers and people at school, im out as trans and gay to all my friends, and my parents know of all this but they dont support and still deadname and dont use my pronouns. I have an older "cousin" (very close family friend) who's in college, she's pansexual and cis. ive been trying my hardest to work on myself but it feels like all my efforts are in vain because ive been working as hard as my discipline and current situation will allow me, but Im pretty sure im getting nowhere with it. my looks have improved a bit but honestly I have the same confidence level as I did in 6th grade (not good.) im not sure how to reframe the being gay is only 4 cis guys thing but I guess what im trying to say is that trans men dont have that much appeal outside t4t relationships. nobody's ever had a crush on me either so I dont think that helps :(

Hi @AJlikesstuff666, thank you for being so open with us. I'm really sorry to hear that your parents don't support you and for example keep using your deadname. I would imagine, that must be really tough for you. Do you mind me asking, how long ago it was that you came out to them? Have they been supportive at all when it comes to you wanting to change your looks (you mentioned that your looks have improved a little, so am I right in thinking that this is something you have been working on)? 

Do you mind me asking, how your teachers and friends reacted when you came out to them? Again, please don't feel you have to answer if you don't feel comfortable to. I just thought I would ask, as other people's reactions towards us and our identity can have a big impact on our self esteem and confidence. 

That's alright, if you don't know how to reframe that belief. Our beliefs are often deep rooted assumptions that we have either about ourselves or others and it can often take a long time for us to change our beliefs. Hopefully this is something that will come with time. I'm wondering, do you have any other trans friends who are gay who you can talk to or maybe there is a LGBTQ+ Youth Group in your area that you could join? Sometimes, talking to others  about our beliefs and getting their perspective on things can be really helpful in those situations. What do you think?

 

[AJlikesstuff666]

14 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi @AJlikesstuff666, thank you for being so open with us. I'm really sorry to hear that your parents don't support you and for example keep using your deadname. I would imagine, that must be really tough for you. Do you mind me asking, how long ago it was that you came out to them? Have they been supportive at all when it comes to you wanting to change your looks (you mentioned that your looks have improved a little, so am I right in thinking that this is something you have been working on)? 

Do you mind me asking, how your teachers and friends reacted when you came out to them? Again, please don't feel you have to answer if you don't feel comfortable to. I just thought I would ask, as other people's reactions towards us and our identity can have a big impact on our self esteem and confidence. 

That's alright, if you don't know how to reframe that belief. Our beliefs are often deep rooted assumptions that we have either about ourselves or others and it can often take a long time for us to change our beliefs. Hopefully this is something that will come with time. I'm wondering, do you have any other trans friends who are gay who you can talk to or maybe there is a LGBTQ+ Youth Group in your area that you could join? Sometimes, talking to others  about our beliefs and getting their perspective on things can be really helpful in those situations. What do you think?

my mom said I can change how I look and that she doesn't care if all my friends use my right pronouns but I'll always be a daughter to her. im not so sure if she's Actually okay with me changing how I look because she gets all pissy whenever I show her the haircuts I want :( also, I came out to her as nonbinary in 5th grade and she kind of picked up the hints that im transmasc now. my dad has never mentioned it once, except for the one time he yelled at me when I was arguing with my brother about my name. it was the "you can't change your fucking name you girl woman" typa bullshit

my friends and teachers are all really supportive and dont make a big deal out of it at all. like I said, I came out in like 5th grade so they've all known for a while. also, im meeting a lot of new people in high school and it turn out that my best friend has a lot of friends who are transmasc too :D max and Ezra are the ones ive met so far and they're awesome from what I can tell. im not exactly past the point of talking about anything but "ugh school sucks and I like to do art, also what class am I going to rn," but im working on it!

also yes my looks have improved, but that mostly due to me gaining a tiny but of muscle and my face shape kind of like, maturing. I have gained a lot of weight over summer and im doing my best to keep my bingeing in check, but it's not working too well. last year I was 114 lbs around mid October, and im currently 125lbs and I haven't gained any height. I'd say muscle takes up about 3lbs of it, and my belly has gotten noticeably squishier, but you know what, it hides my curves lol. im not too mad about it and I have been eating well lately.

also!!! there's a gay-straight alliance club in my school, and im thinking about going to the interest meeting on Tuesday. im going with my transfem friend Ellie to see what its about, even tho she's going because she wants a girlfriend lmao. today was a really good day because it was Friday I think, but thank you so much for listening/reading my dumb rants because it means a lot to know someone cares

 

[Luie]

5 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

my mom said I can change how I look and that she doesn't care if all my friends use my right pronouns but I'll always be a daughter to her. im not so sure if she's Actually okay with me changing how I look because she gets all pissy whenever I show her the haircuts I want :( also, I came out to her as nonbinary in 5th grade and she kind of picked up the hints that im transmasc now. my dad has never mentioned it once, except for the one time he yelled at me when I was arguing with my brother about my name. it was the "you can't change your fucking name you girl woman" typa bullshit

my friends and teachers are all really supportive and dont make a big deal out of it at all. like I said, I came out in like 5th grade so they've all known for a while. also, im meeting a lot of new people in high school and it turn out that my best friend has a lot of friends who are transmasc too :D max and Ezra are the ones ive met so far and they're awesome from what I can tell. im not exactly past the point of talking about anything but "ugh school sucks and I like to do art, also what class am I going to rn," but im working on it!

also yes my looks have improved, but that mostly due to me gaining a tiny but of muscle and my face shape kind of like, maturing. I have gained a lot of weight over summer and im doing my best to keep my bingeing in check, but it's not working too well. last year I was 114 lbs around mid October, and im currently 125lbs and I haven't gained any height. I'd say muscle takes up about 3lbs of it, and my belly has gotten noticeably squishier, but you know what, it hides my curves lol. im not too mad about it and I have been eating well lately.

also!!! there's a gay-straight alliance club in my school, and im thinking about going to the interest meeting on Tuesday. im going with my transfem friend Ellie to see what its about, even tho she's going because she wants a girlfriend lmao. today was a really good day because it was Friday I think, but thank you so much for listening/reading my dumb rants because it means a lot to know someone cares

Heyy @AJlikesstuff666, I am Luie, one of the other support mentors with DTL. I firstly wanted to say that we really do care and that your rants are not dumb. 

@Aurora will be online back on Tuesday, would you like to speak to me or wait for her? Either or is completely fine, all depends on what you're comfortable with. I am online over the weekend. 

[AJlikesstuff666]

On 9/28/2024 at 4:01 AM, Luie said:

Heyy @AJlikesstuff666, I am Luie, one of the other support mentors with DTL. I firstly wanted to say that we really do care and that your rants are not dumb. 

@Aurora will be online back on Tuesday, would you like to speak to me or wait for her? Either or is completely fine, all depends on what you're comfortable with. I am online over the weekend. 

well the weekend is pretty much over now, I haven't been checking this much tho im sry

[Lennie]

On 9/28/2024 at 3:17 AM, AJlikesstuff666 said:

my mom said I can change how I look and that she doesn't care if all my friends use my right pronouns but I'll always be a daughter to her. im not so sure if she's Actually okay with me changing how I look because she gets all pissy whenever I show her the haircuts I want :( also, I came out to her as nonbinary in 5th grade and she kind of picked up the hints that im transmasc now. my dad has never mentioned it once, except for the one time he yelled at me when I was arguing with my brother about my name. it was the "you can't change your fucking name you girl woman" typa bullshit

my friends and teachers are all really supportive and dont make a big deal out of it at all. like I said, I came out in like 5th grade so they've all known for a while. also, im meeting a lot of new people in high school and it turn out that my best friend has a lot of friends who are transmasc too :D max and Ezra are the ones ive met so far and they're awesome from what I can tell. im not exactly past the point of talking about anything but "ugh school sucks and I like to do art, also what class am I going to rn," but im working on it!

also yes my looks have improved, but that mostly due to me gaining a tiny but of muscle and my face shape kind of like, maturing. I have gained a lot of weight over summer and im doing my best to keep my bingeing in check, but it's not working too well. last year I was 114 lbs around mid October, and im currently 125lbs and I haven't gained any height. I'd say muscle takes up about 3lbs of it, and my belly has gotten noticeably squishier, but you know what, it hides my curves lol. im not too mad about it and I have been eating well lately.

also!!! there's a gay-straight alliance club in my school, and im thinking about going to the interest meeting on Tuesday. im going with my transfem friend Ellie to see what its about, even tho she's going because she wants a girlfriend lmao. today was a really good day because it was Friday I think, but thank you so much for listening/reading my dumb rants because it means a lot to know someone cares

Hi @AJlikesstuff666 -- I'm Lennie, one of the other Support Mentors. I'm sorry to hear that your mum isn't receptive to some of the changes you're sharing with her, like haircuts you might want. For some people, some changes can be more difficult to process than others. It sounds as though your mum, and perhaps your dad to a lesser extent, haven't fully accepted your identity as non-binary or your name change. I'd imagine that this must have made these changes harder for you to make, as we all want to feel understood and supported by those closest to us. Often it can help to talk these things through; however, it sounds like this doesn't always go well. Do you still try and share how you are feeling with your parents and discuss your identity, or is this something you avoid speaking to them about now? Of course, no need to answer this if you'd prefer not to.

I'm glad to hear that your peers and teachers have been supportive, though. It must feel nice getting to meet new people at high school, but I know it can take some time to move past the small talk and get to know people on a deeper level. That said, the gay-straight alliance club you mentioned actually sounds like a great opportunity to meet new people and get to know others better in a comfortable and relaxed space. Sometimes you just need the right environment to get past the small talk and share your thoughts and feelings more openly. I hope this turns out to be the case and you get to expand your social circle a little more. Please feel free to let us know how it goes if you would like to. It'd be great to hear how it went.

Lastly, it sounds like you've been feeling a little self-conscious about your body over the summer. Ten or eleven pounds doesn't sound like that much to gain, especially when some of it is muscle. Nonetheless, I know that these changes can feel more noticeable than they may appear to others. It sounds as though you're eating better now, which is good, and feeling more comfortable with these changes, which is even better. What have you found helps you to avoid binge eating? If you don't mind me asking

[AJlikesstuff666]

On 9/30/2024 at 6:51 AM, Lennie said:

Hi @AJlikesstuff666 -- I'm Lennie, one of the other Support Mentors. I'm sorry to hear that your mum isn't receptive to some of the changes you're sharing with her, like haircuts you might want. For some people, some changes can be more difficult to process than others. It sounds as though your mum, and perhaps your dad to a lesser extent, haven't fully accepted your identity as non-binary or your name change. I'd imagine that this must have made these changes harder for you to make, as we all want to feel understood and supported by those closest to us. Often it can help to talk these things through; however, it sounds like this doesn't always go well. Do you still try and share how you are feeling with your parents and discuss your identity, or is this something you avoid speaking to them about now? Of course, no need to answer this if you'd prefer not to.

I'm glad to hear that your peers and teachers have been supportive, though. It must feel nice getting to meet new people at high school, but I know it can take some time to move past the small talk and get to know people on a deeper level. That said, the gay-straight alliance club you mentioned actually sounds like a great opportunity to meet new people and get to know others better in a comfortable and relaxed space. Sometimes you just need the right environment to get past the small talk and share your thoughts and feelings more openly. I hope this turns out to be the case and you get to expand your social circle a little more. Please feel free to let us know how it goes if you would like to. It'd be great to hear how it went.

Lastly, it sounds like you've been feeling a little self-conscious about your body over the summer. Ten or eleven pounds doesn't sound like that much to gain, especially when some of it is muscle. Nonetheless, I know that these changes can feel more noticeable than they may appear to others. It sounds as though you're eating better now, which is good, and feeling more comfortable with these changes, which is even better. What have you found helps you to avoid binge eating? If you don't mind me asking

okay well firstofallhowdare you, im a trans dude, /nsrs

im planning on talking to my mom in the car on the way to school, cause I can always just get out of the car and go to school. im gonna tell her that she doesn't have to call me a different name but I'd rather her use my right pronouns and call me son instead of daughter. 

yesterday we had the gsa club meeting and the only people that showed up I was friends with already

I think drinking more water helps with my bingeing, but. honestly I dont really know. it hasn't gotten too much better, but I'll occasionally pick fruit over sweets now.

[Lennie]

3 hours ago, AJlikesstuff666 said:

okay well firstofallhowdare you, im a trans dude, /nsrs

im planning on talking to my mom in the car on the way to school, cause I can always just get out of the car and go to school. im gonna tell her that she doesn't have to call me a different name but I'd rather her use my right pronouns and call me son instead of daughter. 

yesterday we had the gsa club meeting and the only people that showed up I was friends with already

I think drinking more water helps with my bingeing, but. honestly I dont really know. it hasn't gotten too much better, but I'll occasionally pick fruit over sweets now.

Hi @AJlikesstuff666 - firstofall my apologies, I saw you previously mentioned coming out as non-binary in 5th grade and had mistakenly assumed that was still the case. 

I think speaking with your mum in the car sounds like a good idea. Obviously you can't fully know how she'll respond until after you've spoken with her; however, I can imagine it'll help you to feel heard and for her to understand your perspective a little more if you two can talk about it. I hope it goes well, and feel free to let us know (only if you'd like to, of course).

Ahh, that's a shame you didn't get to meet any new people at the GSA club . Do you think it'll be worth checking out again next time it's on, or do you think it'll probably be the same as last time?

Well, drinking more water and choosing fruit over sweets sounds like a good start. I think a lot of people find that keeping certain foods out of the house that they're trying to avoid is a more effective technique than just relying on willpower of not succumbing to their temptation Although this can be more difficult when you live with others and there's all sorts of different food in the kitchen.