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Honestly just a big long vent :') Ya boy is STRUGGLIN


ChaiLatte137    

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I'm adding some extra TWs to the top here just in case:

TW:  Abuse (emotional/financial/physical), disordered eating,  thoughts of self-harm, disassociation and dissociative disorders, religion,  missions work, sexual assault mention

Also, sorry about the different font, I typed this in Google Docs because I can’t find my glasses and am blind rn lol

For a bit of backstory, I'm currently living overseas from where I grew up in America.  My family moved me, an unassuming "cishet daughter" to a very queerphobic country to be missionaries.  I am usually back in the States once a year for 1-2 months, where I do all my health checkups and also see my therapist once or twice a week. 

 

(There is also a bit of 'missionary talk' in this.  Our sending agency is who takes care of our funding and also has available housing for us to stay in during trips to America.)

I love my therapist, Kae, dearly.  I've had some really bad experiences with therapy in the past, but Kae is AMAZING.  They've really helped me in my self-discovery and queerness and also helped me navigate some difficult family things.  I recently found out that yes, my dad is emotionally and financially abusive.  Because of that and some past physical abuse, Kae was legally required to alert CPS.  CPS didn't do anything about it, potentially because we no longer have a legit address or permanent American phone number.  My dad isn’t aware of this.    My mom is very either-or:  half the time she's on his side, insisting that his emotional neglect and random outbursts are him "doing his best", and half the time she's crying to me about what an awful person he is and how cruel he is to her.  It has been this dynamic for as long as I can remember, and because I was often put in the role of comfort when my dad was mean (or straight up playing adult when he'd be gone for 4-month stints), I grew up really fast.  My mom insists that what my dad is doing isn’t abuse.  I asked her once what he would have to do in order for her to leave him, and she said she would only leave him if he was raping me.  She has dealt with sexual abuse in her childhood that her parents ignored, so I guess the only legitimate trauma was her trauma.  She sometimes likes to act as if we are enduring his abuse together, both toughing it out down in the trenches, but I recently came to the discovery that she’s an adult and it has always been her responsibility to protect me and get me out of abusive situations.  

 

Kae has also pointed out that I've been disassociating for about 3 years straight.  I've been overseas while my family plays savior for about 5.5 years now, so for over half that, I've been having weird memory issues where everything from 5 minutes ago to 5 months ago feels like some strange, vivid dream.  For the past 2 or 3 months, things have been getting worse.  I've been having some dissociative amnesia, and have lost at least an hour to who-knows-what.  I'm talking full conversations with people that I'm not aware of.  Grabbing things in the grocery store that I don't want, and only realizing about 10 minutes later that I have no idea where these came from.  From what I'm reading from other people with this type of amnesia, is that it's very hard to tell exactly how much time you're losing until you and someone else have contradicting memories.  I could be losing hours when I'm sitting at home working on school on my own, and I would have no damn idea.  

 

It is also worth noting that I don't feel a lot anymore (very occasionally pure unbridled rage or the type of overwhelming devastation and loneliness that makes life seem hopeless), and I also am having a mix of those dreamy-memories and straight-up forgetting things nearly completely after they happen.  I have taken to writing things down because I am terrified of forgetting.  My mom insists that this is me “holding grudges”.  I am simply keeping track of things people say to me so that my dad can’t insist that he “never said those things”.  The notepad on my phone is fingerprint AND password locked because I cannot trust them.  

 

My family has forced me in the past to be the maker of tough decisions.  I was recently told that I needed to decide if the family was moving back to America.  I was 16, and being tasked with deciding if my own safety and wellbeing was more important than the literal THOUSANDS of people that are either financially supporting us, benefitting from us, or just expecting us to do missions work.  I caved and decided that I was not going to let others down.  This was partially because my mom kept telling me how much she hated America and wanted to stay here forever.  Nothing like a good ol guilt trip.  My family was supposed to visit America in October.  I had been keeping my mom updated on these memory things.  She did not seem to think it was a big deal until I mentioned that long-term disassociation and dissociative amnesia can have lasting effects on brain health and wellness, and is potentially contributing to my other undiagnosed chronic pain/fatigue/etc. that started in late 2019.  Despite the fact that I was keeping her updated, she is now upset that I’m “still not telling her things”, even though I am.  My dad called his boss and told him I was having more hallucinations – this isn’t a lie.  I am, but those are the least of my concerns right now.  He is now fully aware of the blackouts but is not telling anyone the truth.  Maybe it’s because he knows it's a trauma response and it makes him look bad.  His boss, BB, said that we should come back early.  My dad decided on mid-August.  He keeps making jokes about it.  Asked BB “How’s your baseball? [Deadname] just threw quite the curveball.”.  I don’t find it funny.  I made the mistake of asking tonight if the date could be pushed up at all.  My dad pulled out the tone of voice he uses when he’s mad at me or someone at work.  He said that if we moved it to July, then I’d be begging for June, because “everything has to be in [my] timeframe”.  Of course, I’d like it to be June, but I can settle for July.  I am having serious mental health issues and need help.  If this was a visible injury, we would have already addressed it.  A broken foot that needed surgery?  We would have been on the first plane out LAST WEEK.  But my mental issues need to wait two business months.  I am expected to tough these out while he does whatever he needs to. He claims he is just going through the chain of command.  The person who represents our sending agency, LR, is coming down in 2 weeks.  My dad says that he needs to talk to LR before talking to the agency about available housing.  I asked why he can’t call LR so he can talk to the agency sooner, and he didn’t have an answer other than “Because”.  I got immediately shut down.  

 

I cried for about 2 minutes, which is the most I’ve cried in months.  Time is dragging by.  I have slid back into my disordered eating habits, and am having trouble forcing myself to eat when I’m hungry.  Partially because I’m so emotionally tired, and partially because I want to lose weight.  My urges to self-harm are back.  I lay in bed at night either staring at my ceiling desperately trying to feel something, or I fall asleep to Youtube videos so I don’t have to hear myself think.  I have one friend who I want to reach out to, but I don’t want to burden her with this.  My mom is a horrible emotional dumper, and it's so overwhelming, so I struggle to talk to people about my issues because I’m afraid to be her.  I have those “passive” suicidal thoughts where half of my brain is saying “It’d be easier if you were dead” while the other half says “Please shut up, I’m trying to watch a video”.  I have about 59ish days until I might get to see my therapist.  I wish I could sleep the whole time while I waited.  I kill time making them gifts because gift-giving is the one time I feel happy.

Anyway, tl;dr I'm emotionally exhausted and counting down the days until I get the safety of my therapist's office.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, ChaiLatte137 said:

I'm adding some extra TWs to the top here just in case:

TW:  Abuse (emotional/financial/physical), disordered eating,  thoughts of self-harm, disassociation and dissociative disorders, religion,  missions work, sexual assault mention

Also, sorry about the different font, I typed this in Google Docs because I can’t find my glasses and am blind rn lol

For a bit of backstory, I'm currently living overseas from where I grew up in America.  My family moved me, an unassuming "cishet daughter" to a very queerphobic country to be missionaries.  I am usually back in the States once a year for 1-2 months, where I do all my health checkups and also see my therapist once or twice a week. 

(There is also a bit of 'missionary talk' in this.  Our sending agency is who takes care of our funding and also has available housing for us to stay in during trips to America.)

I love my therapist, Kae, dearly.  I've had some really bad experiences with therapy in the past, but Kae is AMAZING.  They've really helped me in my self-discovery and queerness and also helped me navigate some difficult family things.  I recently found out that yes, my dad is emotionally and financially abusive.  Because of that and some past physical abuse, Kae was legally required to alert CPS.  CPS didn't do anything about it, potentially because we no longer have a legit address or permanent American phone number.  My dad isn’t aware of this.    My mom is very either-or:  half the time she's on his side, insisting that his emotional neglect and random outbursts are him "doing his best", and half the time she's crying to me about what an awful person he is and how cruel he is to her.  It has been this dynamic for as long as I can remember, and because I was often put in the role of comfort when my dad was mean (or straight up playing adult when he'd be gone for 4-month stints), I grew up really fast.  My mom insists that what my dad is doing isn’t abuse.  I asked her once what he would have to do in order for her to leave him, and she said she would only leave him if he was raping me.  She has dealt with sexual abuse in her childhood that her parents ignored, so I guess the only legitimate trauma was her trauma.  She sometimes likes to act as if we are enduring his abuse together, both toughing it out down in the trenches, but I recently came to the discovery that she’s an adult and it has always been her responsibility to protect me and get me out of abusive situations.  

Kae has also pointed out that I've been disassociating for about 3 years straight.  I've been overseas while my family plays savior for about 5.5 years now, so for over half that, I've been having weird memory issues where everything from 5 minutes ago to 5 months ago feels like some strange, vivid dream.  For the past 2 or 3 months, things have been getting worse.  I've been having some dissociative amnesia, and have lost at least an hour to who-knows-what.  I'm talking full conversations with people that I'm not aware of.  Grabbing things in the grocery store that I don't want, and only realizing about 10 minutes later that I have no idea where these came from.  From what I'm reading from other people with this type of amnesia, is that it's very hard to tell exactly how much time you're losing until you and someone else have contradicting memories.  I could be losing hours when I'm sitting at home working on school on my own, and I would have no damn idea.  

It is also worth noting that I don't feel a lot anymore (very occasionally pure unbridled rage or the type of overwhelming devastation and loneliness that makes life seem hopeless), and I also am having a mix of those dreamy-memories and straight-up forgetting things nearly completely after they happen.  I have taken to writing things down because I am terrified of forgetting.  My mom insists that this is me “holding grudges”.  I am simply keeping track of things people say to me so that my dad can’t insist that he “never said those things”.  The notepad on my phone is fingerprint AND password locked because I cannot trust them.  

My family has forced me in the past to be the maker of tough decisions.  I was recently told that I needed to decide if the family was moving back to America.  I was 16, and being tasked with deciding if my own safety and wellbeing was more important than the literal THOUSANDS of people that are either financially supporting us, benefitting from us, or just expecting us to do missions work.  I caved and decided that I was not going to let others down.  This was partially because my mom kept telling me how much she hated America and wanted to stay here forever.  Nothing like a good ol guilt trip.  My family was supposed to visit America in October.  I had been keeping my mom updated on these memory things.  She did not seem to think it was a big deal until I mentioned that long-term disassociation and dissociative amnesia can have lasting effects on brain health and wellness, and is potentially contributing to my other undiagnosed chronic pain/fatigue/etc. that started in late 2019.  Despite the fact that I was keeping her updated, she is now upset that I’m “still not telling her things”, even though I am.  My dad called his boss and told him I was having more hallucinations – this isn’t a lie.  I am, but those are the least of my concerns right now.  He is now fully aware of the blackouts but is not telling anyone the truth.  Maybe it’s because he knows it's a trauma response and it makes him look bad.  His boss, BB, said that we should come back early.  My dad decided on mid-August.  He keeps making jokes about it.  Asked BB “How’s your baseball? [Deadname] just threw quite the curveball.”.  I don’t find it funny.  I made the mistake of asking tonight if the date could be pushed up at all.  My dad pulled out the tone of voice he uses when he’s mad at me or someone at work.  He said that if we moved it to July, then I’d be begging for June, because “everything has to be in [my] timeframe”.  Of course, I’d like it to be June, but I can settle for July.  I am having serious mental health issues and need help.  If this was a visible injury, we would have already addressed it.  A broken foot that needed surgery?  We would have been on the first plane out LAST WEEK.  But my mental issues need to wait two business months.  I am expected to tough these out while he does whatever he needs to. He claims he is just going through the chain of command.  The person who represents our sending agency, LR, is coming down in 2 weeks.  My dad says that he needs to talk to LR before talking to the agency about available housing.  I asked why he can’t call LR so he can talk to the agency sooner, and he didn’t have an answer other than “Because”.  I got immediately shut down.  

I cried for about 2 minutes, which is the most I’ve cried in months.  Time is dragging by.  I have slid back into my disordered eating habits, and am having trouble forcing myself to eat when I’m hungry.  Partially because I’m so emotionally tired, and partially because I want to lose weight.  My urges to self-harm are back.  I lay in bed at night either staring at my ceiling desperately trying to feel something, or I fall asleep to Youtube videos so I don’t have to hear myself think.  I have one friend who I want to reach out to, but I don’t want to burden her with this.  My mom is a horrible emotional dumper, and it's so overwhelming, so I struggle to talk to people about my issues because I’m afraid to be her.  I have those “passive” suicidal thoughts where half of my brain is saying “It’d be easier if you were dead” while the other half says “Please shut up, I’m trying to watch a video”.  I have about 59ish days until I might get to see my therapist.  I wish I could sleep the whole time while I waited.  I kill time making them gifts because gift-giving is the one time I feel happy.

Anyway, tl;dr I'm emotionally exhausted and counting down the days until I get the safety of my therapist's office.

 

Hi there, I’ve noticed that you are new here so I wanted to start off by welcoming you to the community. I’m Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. 

It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot at the moment and I’m really glad you found us. Thank you for opening up about what's been going on for you and for explaining everything so well. I know it can be difficult to talk about these kinds of things but I also know that it can sometimes help to get things off our chest. I know it sounds cliché but I do believe that a problem shared is a problem halved :)  How has it felt to write it all down? 

I wanted to let you know that this is a safe space and it's completely up to you, what you feel comfortable sharing. So if I ask you a question that you don't want to answer, please don't feel you have to. 

I noticed that you mentioned that mentioned that you have ‘passive’ suicidal thoughts. The way you described it, it sounded to me like you weren’t thinking about acting on these thoughts. Is that right? However, I did want to check if you feel safe right now? It’s OK to share with us if you don’t. Your safety is the most important thing to us and if you don’t feel safe then it’s good for us to know this so we can support you better.  Just in case you ever need it, here is some safety information. If you ever feel like you are in crisis then please  reach out to the following:

Before I reply to any of the other things you wrote about, I just wanted to check if you would like to continue the conversation here or if you would prefer to talk about it confidentially? We're here for you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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On 6/9/2023 at 3:10 AM, Aurora said:

Hi there, I’ve noticed that you are new here so I wanted to start off by welcoming you to the community. I’m Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. 

It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot at the moment and I’m really glad you found us. Thank you for opening up about what's been going on for you and for explaining everything so well. I know it can be difficult to talk about these kinds of things but I also know that it can sometimes help to get things off our chest. I know it sounds cliché but I do believe that a problem shared is a problem halved :)  How has it felt to write it all down? 

I wanted to let you know that this is a safe space and it's completely up to you, what you feel comfortable sharing. So if I ask you a question that you don't want to answer, please don't feel you have to. 

I noticed that you mentioned that mentioned that you have ‘passive’ suicidal thoughts. The way you described it, it sounded to me like you weren’t thinking about acting on these thoughts. Is that right? However, I did want to check if you feel safe right now? It’s OK to share with us if you don’t. Your safety is the most important thing to us and if you don’t feel safe then it’s good for us to know this so we can support you better.  Just in case you ever need it, here is some safety information. If you ever feel like you are in crisis then please  reach out to the following:

Before I reply to any of the other things you wrote about, I just wanted to check if you would like to continue the conversation here or if you would prefer to talk about it confidentially? We're here for you. 

honestly, i forgot i posted this.  surprise, surprise, lol.  i very vaguely remember the night this happened as it is. memories are becoming harder and harder to produce when asked what I've been up to.  I'm not planning on acting on any self harm or suicidal thoughts.  the thoughts are there, but they're more of a nuisance than anything for the time being. 

i now have a more realistic date for therapy -- August 19, and am counting down the 56 days until i finally get some semblance of stability.  i am trying to set fun things in motion to continue to motivation to not give up completely, though half the time I'm more worried than excited.  I'm going to my first concert.  Small artist that I'm really passionate about.  Terrified I won't have any memory of the concert a week later. I'm worried that I'm going to be in a call with my friends and not *actually* be there, because I've been completely active in conversations that I wasnt aware of before.  

I dunno.  I (kinda) feel frustrated at my symptoms worsening and going ignored.  I snap out of make believe conversations that I'm having out loud with no one.  I am forgetting people I've met and befriended a year ago.  I have to strain to remember if I've eaten or what I did earlier that day.  I'm consistently fatigued but I can't ever seem to sleep, and when I finally fall asleep I want to sleep more.  My body pain and tremors are worse than usual, and I'm sure it's because of the stress.  I know I tend to physically tense from anxiety.  I'm just tired of waiting.

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On 6/23/2023 at 9:42 PM, ChaiLatte137 said:

honestly, i forgot i posted this.  surprise, surprise, lol.  i very vaguely remember the night this happened as it is. memories are becoming harder and harder to produce when asked what I've been up to.  I'm not planning on acting on any self harm or suicidal thoughts.  the thoughts are there, but they're more of a nuisance than anything for the time being. 

i now have a more realistic date for therapy -- August 19, and am counting down the 56 days until i finally get some semblance of stability.  i am trying to set fun things in motion to continue to motivation to not give up completely, though half the time I'm more worried than excited.  I'm going to my first concert.  Small artist that I'm really passionate about.  Terrified I won't have any memory of the concert a week later. I'm worried that I'm going to be in a call with my friends and not *actually* be there, because I've been completely active in conversations that I wasnt aware of before.  

I dunno.  I (kinda) feel frustrated at my symptoms worsening and going ignored.  I snap out of make believe conversations that I'm having out loud with no one.  I am forgetting people I've met and befriended a year ago.  I have to strain to remember if I've eaten or what I did earlier that day.  I'm consistently fatigued but I can't ever seem to sleep, and when I finally fall asleep I want to sleep more.  My body pain and tremors are worse than usual, and I'm sure it's because of the stress.  I know I tend to physically tense from anxiety.  I'm just tired of waiting.

Hi there, no problem that you forgot that you posted this. Thank you for letting us know, that you are not planning on acting on any self harm or suicidal thoughts. Your safety is the most important thing and we want to make sure you're OK. I'm just wondering, if things got worse and you no longer felt safe, is there anyone at all you could and would tell? 

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like your symptoms are worsening and it's just being ignored. I can totally understand why that must be so frustrating for you. Have you tried talking to your Mum about just how much you're struggling right now? Maybe she isn't aware of just how difficult things are getting for you?  You also mentioned that you're experiencing body pain and tremors and that you're sure it's because of the stress. Are your parents aware of this? I really think it would be a good idea to have this checked out by a GP. It could be from anxiety, like you said but it could also be something else. What do you think? 

I also wanted to say that I am sorry to hear that your parents put you into a position, where you had to decide whether you should move back to America or not. It shouldn't have been up to you to make that decision and it sounds like they didn't really give you a fair choice. Is that right? 

I am glad to hear though that you have a date now for your therapy session. It sounds like this has given you something to focus on and has give you some hope. It's also nice to hear that you have some fun things to look forward to, although I can understand why you are also a bit worried. Is there anything you can think of that would help you to feel less worried about going to your first concert? Do you mind me asking, what your main worry is? Is it that you won't have any memory of it or is it something else? 

Also, I'm just wondering, is there any chance you could have some online therapy sessions with your counsellor until you get back to America? Like this you could have some support until you go? It sounds like you really trust your therapist and that seeing her has been really helpful in the past. Do you think that might work? 

Please know that you're not alone and we are here for you. 

 

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18 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, no problem that you forgot that you posted this. Thank you for letting us know, that you are not planning on acting on any self harm or suicidal thoughts. Your safety is the most important thing and we want to make sure you're OK. I'm just wondering, if things got worse and you no longer felt safe, is there anyone at all you could and would tell? 

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like your symptoms are worsening and it's just being ignored. I can totally understand why that must be so frustrating for you. Have you tried talking to your Mum about just how much you're struggling right now? Maybe she isn't aware of just how difficult things are getting for you?  You also mentioned that you're experiencing body pain and tremors and that you're sure it's because of the stress. Are your parents aware of this? I really think it would be a good idea to have this checked out by a GP. It could be from anxiety, like you said but it could also be something else. What do you think? 

I also wanted to say that I am sorry to hear that your parents put you into a position, where you had to decide whether you should move back to America or not. It shouldn't have been up to you to make that decision and it sounds like they didn't really give you a fair choice. Is that right? 

I am glad to hear though that you have a date now for your therapy session. It sounds like this has given you something to focus on and has give you some hope. It's also nice to hear that you have some fun things to look forward to, although I can understand why you are also a bit worried. Is there anything you can think of that would help you to feel less worried about going to your first concert? Do you mind me asking, what your main worry is? Is it that you won't have any memory of it or is it something else? 

Also, I'm just wondering, is there any chance you could have some online therapy sessions with your counsellor until you get back to America? Like this you could have some support until you go? It sounds like you really trust your therapist and that seeing her has been really helpful in the past. Do you think that might work? 

Please know that you're not alone and we are here for you. 

Honestly in terms of gaining help if I was unsafe, I am somewhat stuck.  I have a family I met that I am close with in the states that I could reach out to if anything severe happened, but it's still a matter of physical distance. 

My mom is fully aware that I'm not doing well, and that's where a lot of my frustrations come from.  When I asked if the date for leaving could be moved up or if anything could be done, and got immediately shut down and told that I was asking too much.  My mom won't stand up to my dad if he says no, and he said no.  I had a long conversation about the things I'm experiencing, and she told me to talk to dad, which is when he got out the voice he uses when he's done with a conversation.  If it was up to my mom, we probably would have done something, but she doesn't ever stand against my dad's decisions, even if she thinks theyre not good ones.  It is majorly frustrating because she's an adult, and is LEGALLY in charge of keeping me safe, but she doesnt.

People aren't reacting super well to news that we're leaving.  Some literal tears from folks here.  Makes me feel guilty and selfish.  Wish i was physically able to move out and do it on my own so others didn't have to deal with consequences of my actions.  feel like a burden on the people here. 

Deciding on if we were moving was 100% unfair.  I'm still kinda bitter about it.  My dad came to me on a Tuesday, dropped the decision, claiming it was because I needed to take the responsibility of knowing what was good for me, and told me he needed an answer by the weekend.  I had never had such strong urges to self harm than that night.  I knew full well that if I did, it would get turned around and used against me in the future anyway, so I ended up laying in bed until the feelings subsided.  It wasn't right to be forced to weigh my own wellbeing over the lives of the people we're "serving".  And they wonder why I'm a chronic people pleaser.

I do have chronic pain, fatigue, and tremors.  I've been in and out of a myriad of doctors offices for the past two years, and no one seems to be able to figure out what's wrong.  All they know is that I have a connective tissue disorder that can explain some of the symptoms.  Every single doctor looks at the fact I'm on antidepressants and tells me that it's just anxiety and I need to be thinner.  (Like thanks, I already struggle with eating problems, this certainly helps /s).  I have had about 30 vials of blood taken for tests, an MRI, some brain activity tests, the lot.  No one knows.  I have given up on caring.  I am tired of driving 3 hours to a specialist for them to tell me that I'm anxious and fat, and that therapy and exercise would make it all better.  I'm doing both.  Its not fixing anything.  At this point I've mostly accepted that until further notice, being in constant, varying amounts of pain is going to be normal.

hallucinations are getting worse.  starting to hear clear voices, though thankfully nothing scary.  typically sounds like 3 or 4 people repeating random words for an hour.  the visual and tactile ones are still around.  health could be taking a turn for the worse too, but it's hard to know the difference between new symptoms and stress-induced things. 

I am mostly concerned I am not going to remember the concert.  My best friend came to visit me in March, and I don't remember much of our time together.  There's a high likelihood I'm going with her to see the concert, and I want to actually be able to have the memories to look back on.  Sir Chloe (the artist) has been a major comfort lately and their music actually makes me feel happy.  I don't want to lose the memory of seeing them live.  I'm not to concerned about the crowd or anything.  I've seen videos of their other events, and because its a smaller artist, it isnt huge and busy.  

The state I'm in when I'm in America has really weird laws about therapy being done internationally, and my therapist unfortunately could get in trouble if they did online sessions with me.  They've given me some people I could reach out to if I needed to that can do international therapy, but it would likely be very expensive, and it also means telling my entire story again.  And we don't have access to a stable connection, and hour long calls with friends typically drop 3 or 4 times. That's mostly why I'm here -- to get stuff off my chest without having to worry about internet stability or meeting and getting used to a new therapist.  

I'm mostly trying to stay busy.  been drawing a lot, which is good.  sleeping more than usual.  watching the same 40 youtube videos all day long, over and over for consistency. 

 

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6 hours ago, ChaiLatte137 said:

Honestly in terms of gaining help if I was unsafe, I am somewhat stuck.  I have a family I met that I am close with in the states that I could reach out to if anything severe happened, but it's still a matter of physical distance. 

My mom is fully aware that I'm not doing well, and that's where a lot of my frustrations come from.  When I asked if the date for leaving could be moved up or if anything could be done, and got immediately shut down and told that I was asking too much.  My mom won't stand up to my dad if he says no, and he said no.  I had a long conversation about the things I'm experiencing, and she told me to talk to dad, which is when he got out the voice he uses when he's done with a conversation.  If it was up to my mom, we probably would have done something, but she doesn't ever stand against my dad's decisions, even if she thinks theyre not good ones.  It is majorly frustrating because she's an adult, and is LEGALLY in charge of keeping me safe, but she doesnt.

People aren't reacting super well to news that we're leaving.  Some literal tears from folks here.  Makes me feel guilty and selfish.  Wish i was physically able to move out and do it on my own so others didn't have to deal with consequences of my actions.  feel like a burden on the people here. 

Deciding on if we were moving was 100% unfair.  I'm still kinda bitter about it.  My dad came to me on a Tuesday, dropped the decision, claiming it was because I needed to take the responsibility of knowing what was good for me, and told me he needed an answer by the weekend.  I had never had such strong urges to self harm than that night.  I knew full well that if I did, it would get turned around and used against me in the future anyway, so I ended up laying in bed until the feelings subsided.  It wasn't right to be forced to weigh my own wellbeing over the lives of the people we're "serving".  And they wonder why I'm a chronic people pleaser.

I do have chronic pain, fatigue, and tremors.  I've been in and out of a myriad of doctors offices for the past two years, and no one seems to be able to figure out what's wrong.  All they know is that I have a connective tissue disorder that can explain some of the symptoms.  Every single doctor looks at the fact I'm on antidepressants and tells me that it's just anxiety and I need to be thinner.  (Like thanks, I already struggle with eating problems, this certainly helps /s).  I have had about 30 vials of blood taken for tests, an MRI, some brain activity tests, the lot.  No one knows.  I have given up on caring.  I am tired of driving 3 hours to a specialist for them to tell me that I'm anxious and fat, and that therapy and exercise would make it all better.  I'm doing both.  Its not fixing anything.  At this point I've mostly accepted that until further notice, being in constant, varying amounts of pain is going to be normal.

hallucinations are getting worse.  starting to hear clear voices, though thankfully nothing scary.  typically sounds like 3 or 4 people repeating random words for an hour.  the visual and tactile ones are still around.  health could be taking a turn for the worse too, but it's hard to know the difference between new symptoms and stress-induced things. 

I am mostly concerned I am not going to remember the concert.  My best friend came to visit me in March, and I don't remember much of our time together.  There's a high likelihood I'm going with her to see the concert, and I want to actually be able to have the memories to look back on.  Sir Chloe (the artist) has been a major comfort lately and their music actually makes me feel happy.  I don't want to lose the memory of seeing them live.  I'm not to concerned about the crowd or anything.  I've seen videos of their other events, and because its a smaller artist, it isnt huge and busy.  

The state I'm in when I'm in America has really weird laws about therapy being done internationally, and my therapist unfortunately could get in trouble if they did online sessions with me.  They've given me some people I could reach out to if I needed to that can do international therapy, but it would likely be very expensive, and it also means telling my entire story again.  And we don't have access to a stable connection, and hour long calls with friends typically drop 3 or 4 times. That's mostly why I'm here -- to get stuff off my chest without having to worry about internet stability or meeting and getting used to a new therapist.  

I'm mostly trying to stay busy.  been drawing a lot, which is good.  sleeping more than usual.  watching the same 40 youtube videos all day long, over and over for consistency. 

Hello again, thank you for explaining everything so well. I have sent you a confidential support message as I feel like it might be better for us to talk about everything there. I hope that's OK with you. To find the message, just click on the confidential support tap at the top of the page. We're here for you. 

 

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