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This topic contains content which has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Disordered Eating, Mental Illness

What I'm going through. Please please help me


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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Disordered Eating, Mental Illness

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May 1st, 2021-November 26, 2021

 

Hey mom I'm doing a digital note because I forgot to bring a notebook. I wanted to write about this to your for a while but I never got a chance to. But recently I've just been really bothered by like my boys and weight and stuff and I don't know why or where it came from. I'm constantly checking my weight like several times a day and checking my bmi and looking stuff up to see if I'm like overweight or fat or not right or eating to much and ice just been really self conscious and I feel like I weigh a lot more than a lot of people and I know I'm tall but I feel like I weigh more than I should even for my age and height. I just can't get this stuff off my mind and I don't want to keep thinking about it because it comes to my mind whenever I'm eating something I like or anything at all or even just doing random things. It's just always on my mind no matter what. And I don't want to tell people because I feel like it's embarrassing but I just need to get this off my chest because it's just weighing down on me. I just don't really know what to do and if I do need to do something or if I'm ok or something I don't know. I know you've heard me say this a million times but I just want to be skinny. I want to have the body that so many girls at school have. They eat whatever and barely ever work out or exercise and yet they're all perfectly thin. Every day I wonder why I can't be skinny and pretty like all the other girls. I have so many other things to deal with and I wish I could just get this off my plate and deal with the other things. Maybe if I just eat better and work out a lot I'll be skinnier. Maybe if I had hair I would be pretty. At this point it's not even really about how pretty I am or whatever because I can't change that and I don't care anymore, but it's about my body because I can change that so I'm frustrated that I'm not doing enough to make it change. I know things take time but I'm scared that I'll being doing certain stuff and that stuff isn't the right things I should be doing so I'm just wasting time doing pointless things because I think that it's just taking time. I want to be able to wear all these clothes that people wear, but i don't even look good in them. When I look in the mirror I either say I look fine or bad. When I think my body looks fine even when it doesn't, I eat a bunch of crap just because I think that because I look fine I can do that, and if I think I look bad I just go cry and I hate myself and overthink everything and tell myself everything I hate about myself in a way it is like I'm punishing myself because I don't like my body. I want to look at myself in the mirror and just be like hey your body looks nice. In all honesty for once it's really not about what other people think because I really don't care about that anymore. It's about what I think. I want to be confident in myself and I want to change for me because I'm tired of this stuff taking over every second of my life that I could be spending doing something better. I don't want to be at my rehearsals just thinking about how someone else would be better as sharpay because they are skinnier. I spend time thinking about ridiculous stuff like how I probably won't look good in the out fits and that my waist it too wide and I'm not skinny enough or I hope this dress or shirt in the show won't be too tight because then that's all I will think about. I can't enjoy myself when I'm not even comfortable in my own skin, and I want to be. I don't want to stay the same, I want to change. I want to love my body, but not the one I have right now. I was feeling really good about myself and my body earlier but I just looked at my body again right now and now I'm just on my couch crying. I just want to be skinny. I want it so bad and people tell me I'm just a kid and I don't need to worry but that doesn't make me stop worrying. All these girls at my school eat whatever and never even work out or exercise that much and yet they are skinny and thin. Why don't I get that. I'm working so hard but I keep looking in the mirror or camera or any piece of glass I see and all my progress just comes crashing down. If I look in the mirror and like what I see I make the dumb choice of telling myself that it means I get to eat a bunch of crap because I look good enough and if I don't like what I see I get into the mind set of wanting to starve myself and I just get depressed. I hate myself. I wish my face wasn't so wide, my eyes were bigger, my nose was skinny and small, my chin wasn't so Invisible, I was skinny, I had straight white teeth, I had long pretty hair, nice eyebrows, more freckles, a smaller waist. I want to cry and I hate myself. I wish I was pretty. I wish I could just die and come back as the same person except prettier. Every day I wonder why I can't be skinny and pretty like everyone else. My nose is to big, my face is to round, my eyebrows are weird, I'm too tall not and not skinny enough. And I also have been loosing my hair which doesn't help the situation.  I have so many other  things to deal with and I wish I could just get this off .y plate and deal with the other things. Maybe if I just eat better and work out a lot I'll be skinnier. Maybe if I had hair I would be pretty. And I scroll through social media and I try to be positive but how is everyone pretty? EVERYONE. and I'm not just saying like oh I'm ugly, I am 99.9% sure that I am genuinely unattractive which is the worst thing ever because I just want people to like me. I just want the clothes that people wear to look good on me. I want to just be a normal teen without having to deal with my hair loss too. People tell me I'm pretty but it's just pity. I can tell when people are lying. Even my own mom said "well you have some attractive features" and that's all. I just need help because I can't do this anymore and I don't have someone I can say all of this to. I do t know what to do 

I'm just so tired of this. I don't care how my face looks I just want a different body. I have rehearsals for my musical soon and I just wish I could be skinny because I can never enjoy anything anymore because I would worry if the costume would look good enough on my and I won't take pictures and I just want to be skinny so so so so bad.Sometimes I just want to starve .myself and then for once be told that I need to gain weight instead of loose it and the fact that I have that thought is just sick. Then I could gain back the weight I need and be perfect. And maybe confident. I just want to be confident and not care. I don't want to be ignorant but I want to loose weight u til I'm thin but still healthy and just be confident and live my life. I keep taking pictures of myself and drawing lines of how I want to beI'm just altering myself to show myself how horrible I am so that way maybe I'll have motivation and tell myself that I am ugly and fat.

 

 

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