Coming out advice :p

[ProffesorSparkles]

Alrighty

This may or may not result in a ramble. Hopefully no but you never know

So I'm a 14 year old guy, and I've known I'm gay for a while. Essentially, it started in 2021, when a lot of people in my class went through (for lack of a better term) a "gay phase", basically, they all thought it was trendy or whatever to say that they were lgbt even if they in fact were not. (These were 10, 11 year olds). I joined in, because fomo, and i had recently moved to  the school and I had experienced some bullying, so when I got  a chance to fit in I took it.But even after the "trend" passed, I still felt a but different, and thought I  might actually be gay. I freaked out and told my parents, (i was crying and very emotional) who chalked it up to the new school, and that the guys in this school and those in my old school were very different in terms of behaviour, interests and overall personality. They said I thought I was gay because I didn't fit in with these guys as much as I did those in my old school. I kind of accepted it, until I realised I was definitely gay, and I was only attracted to men, not women. So here we are, a couple years later, many crushes on straight guys and mistaking basic empathy for romantic interest and just being delusional. So i have some close friends who know I'm gay, I'm not publicly out but people in school often call me gay or queer as a derogatory thing, and also just ask me if I'm gay and stuff. Guess I'm not exactly that good at hiding it :p

So yeah recently I've been thinking about telling my parents but I'm really not sure, I don't think they're homophobes, theyre both pretty open minded, but at the same time, anything could happen, and although I'm older than I was back when I said it the first time, the same thing could happen, and I don't want to get brushed off, when I know for certain I like guys. Also, I know that I would get absolutely interrogated by my mum, I think she'd be the most supportive of the two, but from past experiences, she'd definelty be so much of an ally that its just awkward.

I've always thought that I'd come out if I got a boyfriend and wanted them to meet, but now I don't know. Should I come out to them? I have no clue. Sorry for the ramble 

Edited August 14 by ProffesorSparkles

[Luie]

14 hours ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

Alrighty

This may or may not result in a ramble. Hopefully no but you never know

So I'm a 14 year old guy, and I've known I'm gay for a while. Essentially, it started in 2021, when a lot of people in my class went through (for lack of a better term) a "gay phase", basically, they all thought it was trendy or whatever to say that they were lgbt even if they in fact were not. (These were 10, 11 year olds). I joined in, because fomo, and i had recently moved to  the school and I had experienced some bullying, so when I got  a chance to fit in I took it.But even after the "trend" passed, I still felt a but different, and thought I  might actually be gay. I freaked out and told my parents, (i was crying and very emotional) who chalked it up to the new school, and that the guys in this school and those in my old school were very different in terms of behaviour, interests and overall personality. They said I thought I was gay because I didn't fit in with these guys as much as I did those in my old school. I kind of accepted it, until I realised I was definitely gay, and I was only attracted to men, not women. So here we are, a couple years later, many crushes on straight guys and mistaking basic empathy for romantic interest and just being delusional. So i have some close friends who know I'm gay, I'm not publicly out but people in school often call me gay or queer as a derogatory thing, and also just ask me if I'm gay and stuff. Guess I'm not exactly that good at hiding it :p

So yeah recently I've been thinking about telling my parents but I'm really not sure, I don't think they're homophobes, theyre both pretty open minded, but at the same time, anything could happen, and although I'm older than I was back when I said it the first time, the same thing could happen, and I don't want to get brushed off, when I know for certain I like guys. Also, I know that I would get absolutely interrogated by my mum, I think she'd be the most supportive of the two, but from past experiences, she'd definelty be so much of an ally that its just awkward.

I've always thought that I'd come out if I got a boyfriend and wanted them to meet, but now I don't know. Should I come out to them? I have no clue. Sorry for the ramble 

 

Heyy @ProffesorSparkles first of all, I want to say how brave it is that you’ve shared all of this. It’s a huge thing to open up about, and I really appreciate that you’re trusting me with it. You’ve clearly been thinking deeply about this for a long time, and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot to get to where you are now. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain about coming out, especially when your past experience with telling your parents was dismissed. It makes sense that you’d worry about being brushed off again or that the conversation might not go the way you hope. It’s also totally understandable that the idea of being interrogated, even by someone supportive like your mom, could feel overwhelming and awkward. 

You mentioned that you have some close friends who know you’re gay, how has that been for you? Do you feel like you have a solid support system among them? 

As for coming out to your parents, it’s a big decision, and only you can know when or if the time is right. If you’re feeling unsure, it might help to think about what you need from them, whether it’s support, understanding, or just being able to be yourself without hiding. If you do decide to tell them, you could also consider planning out what you want to say, so you feel more in control of the conversation. And it’s okay if it feels awkward or if things don’t go perfectly, that’s pretty normal too.

One thing I’d like to check in on: do you feel safe at home and at school if you were to come out more openly? Sometimes, unfortunately, people don’t react the way we hope, and it’s important to think about your safety and well-being first and foremost.

Lastly, know that we (DTL community) are really here for you, whether you want to talk more about this, brainstorm how to approach it, or even if you just need to vent about everything. You’re not alone in this, and I’m really proud of you for being so self-aware and thoughtful about such a big part of who you are!

 

[ProffesorSparkles]

8 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @ProffesorSparkles first of all, I want to say how brave it is that you’ve shared all of this. It’s a huge thing to open up about, and I really appreciate that you’re trusting me with it. You’ve clearly been thinking deeply about this for a long time, and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot to get to where you are now. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain about coming out, especially when your past experience with telling your parents was dismissed. It makes sense that you’d worry about being brushed off again or that the conversation might not go the way you hope. It’s also totally understandable that the idea of being interrogated, even by someone supportive like your mom, could feel overwhelming and awkward

Hey :)

It is a big thing to talk about but I feel very safe talking about it here at dtl thankfully 

Yeah my mum can be a bit like she's some sort of detective inspector sometimes. I think my parents might suspect im not straight? I remember one time she was asking me if I had a crush on any girls at school or I found any girls at school attractive, I said no so she proceeded to ask if I had a crush on any boys at school or found any attractive. Needless to say, mortifying. Also, my dad did the dreaded "if you get a girlfriend..........or boyfriend". I died a little inside......

Although that could just be them being open minded and supportive

8 hours ago, Luie said:

You mentioned that you have some close friends who know you’re gay, how has that been for you? Do you feel like you have a solid support system among them? 

I definitely trust them a lot and I know they wouldn't out me or anything, I feel very comfortable being myself around them, and I have one friend in particular that we always update eachother about guys and stuff, so with friends it's going pretty good

8 hours ago, Luie said:

One thing I’d like to check in on: do you feel safe at home and at school if you were to come out more openly?

So I definelty wouldn't feel comfortable or safe at school if I was openly out as gay, there's lots of homophobes, and there's been homophobia to me even though I'm not out. One of my friends who's a girl had a girl friend for a while, and some of the stuff people said was awful. So yeah I  wouldn't feel very safe open in school, and due to past experiences  I don't trust the school enough to properly punish any bullies or anything if something bad were to happen.

As for home, I don't think my parents would be bad, they're very open minded and accepting of all people, not tolerant of hate, i do think I would be safe, but there's always a tiny chance I guess. I think the main issue with coming out to parents would just be I'd be worried they'd see me differently, or it would just change the dynamic at home 

[jazzy.sky]

On 8/14/2024 at 10:27 PM, ProffesorSparkles said:

Alrighty

This may or may not result in a ramble. Hopefully no but you never know

So I'm a 14 year old guy, and I've known I'm gay for a while. Essentially, it started in 2021, when a lot of people in my class went through (for lack of a better term) a "gay phase", basically, they all thought it was trendy or whatever to say that they were lgbt even if they in fact were not. (These were 10, 11 year olds). I joined in, because fomo, and i had recently moved to  the school and I had experienced some bullying, so when I got  a chance to fit in I took it.But even after the "trend" passed, I still felt a but different, and thought I  might actually be gay. I freaked out and told my parents, (i was crying and very emotional) who chalked it up to the new school, and that the guys in this school and those in my old school were very different in terms of behaviour, interests and overall personality. They said I thought I was gay because I didn't fit in with these guys as much as I did those in my old school. I kind of accepted it, until I realised I was definitely gay, and I was only attracted to men, not women. So here we are, a couple years later, many crushes on straight guys and mistaking basic empathy for romantic interest and just being delusional. So i have some close friends who know I'm gay, I'm not publicly out but people in school often call me gay or queer as a derogatory thing, and also just ask me if I'm gay and stuff. Guess I'm not exactly that good at hiding it :p

So yeah recently I've been thinking about telling my parents but I'm really not sure, I don't think they're homophobes, theyre both pretty open minded, but at the same time, anything could happen, and although I'm older than I was back when I said it the first time, the same thing could happen, and I don't want to get brushed off, when I know for certain I like guys. Also, I know that I would get absolutely interrogated by my mum, I think she'd be the most supportive of the two, but from past experiences, she'd definelty be so much of an ally that its just awkward.

I've always thought that I'd come out if I got a boyfriend and wanted them to meet, but now I don't know. Should I come out to them? I have no clue. Sorry for the ramble 

Hey Tom! Some coming out advice that I can share with you from my experience is to remember a few things;

Dont come out if you dont feel ready to - its your choice and you should never feel pressured to tell anyone if you dont feel comfortable doing so. 

However if you are ready but feeling worried about any possible interrogation, remember that you should only answer questions you feel comfortable answering - dont feel pressured to answer everything or anything if you dont want to and if the questions get too much or too personal, you can either end the conversation by letting them know that you don't want to carry on with the conversation or by getting up, and walking away (the last one is a last resort if the conversation goes sour, but I doubt you will need to use this)

It sounds to me like your parents are supportive which is amazing - the fact that your mum might even be too much of an ally is honesty a great sign that your coming out will be successful and also the fact that your parents love you for who you are, just as you are

I definitely understand the fear of it possibly going pear shaped despite the fact that your parents are supportive, but if telling them means a lot to you and you are ready, you should do it  

If it does go worse than you hoped, remember that things heal with time - when i first came out to my dad, he didn't take it as well as I had hoped and it took a few months before the news sunk in and he processed it all

I'm sure that won't be the case with your family but I think you are very brave and I will cheer you on in spirit! You got this Tom!!

As for being out to the school, best to keep it down low for now because of homophobes. I had the same experience and I really wouldn't want you to suffer in school because of awful people like them picking on you, it's fantastic however, that you have close friends who you can be open to and that feeling is amazing - those friends will be there for you and the feeling of being yourself fully, talking about your interests and crushes without worries is so liberating 

Hope i could help (even a tiny bit) and just know that we all support you Tom!!

 

[jazzy.sky]

They won't see you any different and the dynamic shouldn't change to be honest - ofc, in the first month if things don't go to plan, it might slightly but things will go back to normal with time 

20 hours ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

Hey :)

It is a big thing to talk about but I feel very safe talking about it here at dtl thankfully 

Yeah my mum can be a bit like she's some sort of detective inspector sometimes. I think my parents might suspect im not straight? I remember one time she was asking me if I had a crush on any girls at school or I found any girls at school attractive, I said no so she proceeded to ask if I had a crush on any boys at school or found any attractive. Needless to say, mortifying. Also, my dad did the dreaded "if you get a girlfriend..........or boyfriend". I died a little inside......

Although that could just be them being open minded and supportive

I definitely trust them a lot and I know they wouldn't out me or anything, I feel very comfortable being myself around them, and I have one friend in particular that we always update eachother about guys and stuff, so with friends it's going pretty good

So I definelty wouldn't feel comfortable or safe at school if I was openly out as gay, there's lots of homophobes, and there's been homophobia to me even though I'm not out. One of my friends who's a girl had a girl friend for a while, and some of the stuff people said was awful. So yeah I  wouldn't feel very safe open in school, and due to past experiences  I don't trust the school enough to properly punish any bullies or anything if something bad were to happen.

As for home, I don't think my parents would be bad, they're very open minded and accepting of all people, not tolerant of hate, i do think I would be safe, but there's always a tiny chance I guess. I think the main issue with coming out to parents would just be I'd be worried they'd see me differently, or it would just change the dynamic at home 

 

[Luie]

 

Heyy @ProffesorSparkles , I'm really glad to hear that you feel safe talking about this here at DTL. It’s awesome that you have a space where you can share what’s on your mind.

It sounds to me like your parents are trying to be supportive, even if their approach might be a little awkward or intense sometimes. I can totally see why that conversation with your mom would be mortifying, and why your dad’s comment might make you feel a bit uncomfortable. It’s good that you’ve picked up on their open-mindedness, though, it seems like they’re trying to create an environment where you can be yourself, even if they might not always get it quite right.

I’m really glad to hear that you have a friend you can talk to openly about guys. Having someone like that is so important, especially when you’re dealing with the stuff you’ve mentioned at school. It really sucks that you’ve experienced homophobia, and it makes total sense that you wouldn’t feel safe being out in that environment. @jazzy.sky's advice about keeping things low-key at school for now is spot-on, especially since you’ve already seen how people can react. It’s tough when the school isn’t doing enough to protect students from that kind of behaviour, and I’m sorry that’s been your experience. 

As for coming out to your parents, I think @jazzy.skymade some great points about doing it at your own pace and only sharing what you feel comfortable with. It’s okay to set boundaries in those conversations and to steer them in a direction that feels right for you. It sounds like you have a lot of trust in your parents, which is great, and the fact that your mom might be "too much" of an ally could actually work in your favour, even if it feels a bit awkward. If you do decide to tell them, it’s completely okay to take it one step at a time and to let them process things at their own pace too. How does this sound to you?

I totally  hear you in terms of your worries about things changing at home, though. Even when you know your parents love you, it’s natural to fear that coming out might shift the dynamic. If that’s something that’s holding you back, maybe thinking about what you’d need from them to feel reassured might help. Would it be helpful to talk about your concerns with them directly, or do you think that might be too much right now?

Also, you’re doing a really amazing job navigating all of this, and we are all really proud of you here at DTL for being so thoughtful and intentional about how you want to move forward. And just like jazzy said, you’ve got a whole community here cheering you on!

 

[ProffesorSparkles]

On 8/16/2024 at 4:43 PM, jazzy.sky said:

Hey Tom! Some coming out advice that I can share with you from my experience is to remember a few things;

Dont come out if you dont feel ready to - its your choice and you should never feel pressured to tell anyone if you dont feel comfortable doing so. 

However if you are ready but feeling worried about any possible interrogation, remember that you should only answer questions you feel comfortable answering - dont feel pressured to answer everything or anything if you dont want to and if the questions get too much or too personal, you can either end the conversation by letting them know that you don't want to carry on with the conversation or by getting up, and walking away (the last one is a last resort if the conversation goes sour, but I doubt you will need to use this)

It sounds to me like your parents are supportive which is amazing - the fact that your mum might even be too much of an ally is honesty a great sign that your coming out will be successful and also the fact that your parents love you for who you are, just as you are

I definitely understand the fear of it possibly going pear shaped despite the fact that your parents are supportive, but if telling them means a lot to you and you are ready, you should do it  

If it does go worse than you hoped, remember that things heal with time - when i first came out to my dad, he didn't take it as well as I had hoped and it took a few months before the news sunk in and he processed it all

I'm sure that won't be the case with your family but I think you are very brave and I will cheer you on in spirit! You got this Tom!!

As for being out to the school, best to keep it down low for now because of homophobes. I had the same experience and I really wouldn't want you to suffer in school because of awful people like them picking on you, it's fantastic however, that you have close friends who you can be open to and that feeling is amazing - those friends will be there for you and the feeling of being yourself fully, talking about your interests and crushes without worries is so liberating 

Hope i could help (even a tiny bit) and just know that we all support you Tom!!

Thanks so much for the advice :)

you did help alot

On 8/16/2024 at 4:45 PM, jazzy.sky said:

They won't see you any different and the dynamic shouldn't change to be honest - ofc, in the first month if things don't go to plan, it might slightly but things will go back to normal with time 

I think this is my main concern though, there's so much going on at home at the moment and it's a big exam year for me, I just feel like now might not be the best time, but at the same time, there isn't going to be some sort of "perfect time" that I can plan in advance for, and I feel like I'll probably keep making excuses to myself, just because of how big of a step it is

[ProffesorSparkles]

On 8/17/2024 at 7:24 AM, Luie said:

As for coming out to your parents, I think @jazzy.skymade some great points about doing it at your own pace and only sharing what you feel comfortable with. It’s okay to set boundaries in those conversations and to steer them in a direction that feels right for you. It sounds like you have a lot of trust in your parents, which is great, and the fact that your mom might be "too much" of an ally could actually work in your favour, even if it feels a bit awkward. If you do decide to tell them, it’s completely okay to take it one step at a time and to let them process things at their own pace too. How does this sound to you?

I feel like yeah if I do come out soon this is definitely what I'll be doing. I'm not really big on the idea of giving them a whole run down of everything. I guess I'll just have to find a way to respectfully say "hey, I'm gay. That's it. No questions"

 

[jazzy.sky]

4 hours ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

Thanks so much for the advice :)

you did help alot

I think this is my main concern though, there's so much going on at home at the moment and it's a big exam year for me, I just feel like now might not be the best time, but at the same time, there isn't going to be some sort of "perfect time" that I can plan in advance for, and I feel like I'll probably keep making excuses to myself, just because of how big of a step it is

Awww yayyy! So glad to hear that Tom

I totally get that and you are spot on, there really won't be the perfect moment but I also understand that it's a big exam year for you.

I'll pitch this question:

Do you feel like if you didn't come out, it would be heavy on your mind and make studying difficult or would you be able to get on with school without worries?

If you think it's not something that will get in the way of school and you can perform well in your exams, hold back the moment of coming out for another while

Also the fact that you mentioned theres a lot going on at home - if there's any tension or just overall busyness going on, hold back for now until things settle 

However if that thought of wanting to come out and not doing it yet remains like a weight on your shoulders, maybe you should tell them soon

Either way, always remember that you aren't alone and that your parents will most likely be supportive, it's just a question of whether you feel ready to tell them and whether or not you want to tell them before or after your exam year

You got this Tom!!

 

Edited August 18 by jazzy.sky
Edit cos I made a dumb spelling mistake lol

[ProffesorSparkles]

5 hours ago, jazzy.sky said:

Awww yayyy! So glad to hear that Tom

I totally get that and you are spot on, there really won't be the perfect moment but I also understand that it's a big exam year for you.

I'll pitch this question:

Do you feel like if you didn't come out, it would be heavy on your mind and make studying difficult or would you be able to get on with school without worries?

If you think it's not something that will get in the way of school and you can perform well in your exams, hold back the moment of coming out for another while

Also the fact that you mentioned theres a lot going on at home - if there's any tension or just overall busyness going on, hold back for now until things settle 

However if that thought of wanting to come out and not doing it yet remains like a weight on your shoulders, maybe you should tell them soon

Either way, always remember that you aren't alone and that your parents will most likely be supportive, it's just a question of whether you feel ready to tell them and whether or not you want to tell them before or after your exam year

You got this Tom!!

I mean its getting pretty tiring to have to change aspects of myself for home versus when I'm with friends, but I don't think it would take up too much space in my head. Like I said, it's just annoying to have to hide part of myself at home :(

but yeah I think I'll take your advice and leave it for now, there's lots going on and hey, I'm sure I can manage another year :)

thank you so much @jazzy.sky and @Luie you've both been so helpful

[jazzy.sky]

1 hour ago, ProffesorSparkles said:

I mean its getting pretty tiring to have to change aspects of myself for home versus when I'm with friends, but I don't think it would take up too much space in my head. Like I said, it's just annoying to have to hide part of myself at home :(

but yeah I think I'll take your advice and leave it for now, there's lots going on and hey, I'm sure I can manage another year :)

thank you so much @jazzy.sky and @Luie you've both been so helpful

Aww bless you Tom! Completely understand and younger me would definitely relate with you, hang in there for one more scholastic year

You can do it! I hope when you come out next year, it all goes how you want it to, and if not, I hope that your parents are supportive (which I am certain they will be)

Awww my pleasure @ProffesorSparkles! Here for you!