aromantic? Aro-Ace Identity Crisis

[Scale]

I'm a 21F from the states and I've struggled with my identity for awhile now. When I was 14, I discovered asexuality for the first time and thought it might be me and then it eventually turned into me identifying more with demisexual when I was roughly 16 years old. I've identified with that for quite some time now. I've fallen in love a few times but I've noticed since my most recent meaningful relationship which ended in January of 2022 (I was 19), I haven't been able to formulate any of the same connections I've had with the past couple boyfriends. I know what being in love feels like for me and I've tried to have relationships with guys, including my current boyfriend. I love him, and I've loved him for the past year and a half, we started dating a couple months ago and he's been my closest friend, and occasionally I feel like I'm in love with him and but most of the time, I only feel love for him and I'm just not in love. I feel like I'm broken or something happened. Sometimes I feel like I'm just meant to be a free spirit but at the same time, I want to fall in love. And I want to be in love with him but it's just not there half the time.

I'm about to have an official diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder (which apparently I've gone undiagnosed my whole life regardless a different story for later), is it possible that me being on the spectrum has contributed this entire time?

Is it possible that being in university has made me so independent that I subconsciously don't want a relationship anymore? 

Is it possible that I'm closer to being like aroflux or aceflux? 

Do I need to break up with my boyfriend? He loves me.

I want to fall in love with a person but it seems like my subconscious doesn't want that. Am I broken?

(This is the short version, there's many more details but I don't know where I can find a therapist that knows what to do or what I'm going through)

[Luie]

10 hours ago, Scale said:

I'm a 21F from the states and I've struggled with my identity for awhile now. When I was 14, I discovered asexuality for the first time and thought it might be me and then it eventually turned into me identifying more with demisexual when I was roughly 16 years old. I've identified with that for quite some time now. I've fallen in love a few times but I've noticed since my most recent meaningful relationship which ended in January of 2022 (I was 19), I haven't been able to formulate any of the same connections I've had with the past couple boyfriends. I know what being in love feels like for me and I've tried to have relationships with guys, including my current boyfriend. I love him, and I've loved him for the past year and a half, we started dating a couple months ago and he's been my closest friend, and occasionally I feel like I'm in love with him and but most of the time, I only feel love for him and I'm just not in love. I feel like I'm broken or something happened. Sometimes I feel like I'm just meant to be a free spirit but at the same time, I want to fall in love. And I want to be in love with him but it's just not there half the time.

I'm about to have an official diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder (which apparently I've gone undiagnosed my whole life regardless a different story for later), is it possible that me being on the spectrum has contributed this entire time?

Is it possible that being in university has made me so independent that I subconsciously don't want a relationship anymore? 

Is it possible that I'm closer to being like aroflux or aceflux? 

Do I need to break up with my boyfriend? He loves me.

I want to fall in love with a person but it seems like my subconscious doesn't want that. Am I broken?

(This is the short version, there's many more details but I don't know where I can find a therapist that knows what to do or what I'm going through)

 

Heyy @Scale, I am Luie, one of the support mentors. Really nice to e-meet you. Also, a massive welcome to the platform! 

Thank you for sharing so openly about what you're going through. It sounds like you're carrying a lot of complex emotions and uncertainties right now, and that can be really tough. I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and you are not broken. It’s completely okay to question your identity, your feelings, and your relationships, it’s part of being human, especially at a stage in life where so many things are shifting and evolving.

First, it’s great that you’re exploring your identity and have been able to recognize how it’s shifted over time. Sexuality and romantic orientation can be fluid, and it’s not uncommon for people to find that what fits them at one stage of life may change as they grow and have new experiences. It’s also perfectly okay if you don’t have everything figured out right now.

You mentioned that you’ve struggled to connect with people in the same way since your last meaningful relationship ended in January 2022. That kind of experience can be really impactful, and it’s understandable that it might affect how you approach relationships now. It sounds like you care deeply for your current boyfriend, but you’re also recognizing that your feelings aren’t quite what you expected or hoped they’d be. I do want to say that this doesn’t mean you’re broken, it could mean that you’re still healing from past relationships, or it could be a sign that your feelings are changing in ways that are confusing or unexpected. What do you think?

Regarding your upcoming diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), it’s definitely possible that being on the spectrum could influence how you experience relationships and emotions. Many people with ASD find that their experiences of love, attraction, and connection can be different from neurotypical patterns. This doesn’t make your feelings any less real or valid, it just means that your journey might look a little different from what you’ve seen around you or what you might have expected.

Your question about whether university and your growing independence might be playing a role is insightful for sure. Major life changes, like going to university, often bring shifts in how we see ourselves and what we want in life. It’s possible that as you’ve become more independent, your priorities or feelings about relationships have shifted, even if you’re not fully aware of it on a conscious level.

Exploring whether you might identify with terms like aroflux or aceflux is another valid path. These terms describe experiences where one’s romantic or sexual attraction can fluctuate over time. If this resonates with you, it might help explain why your feelings seem inconsistent or why you sometimes feel disconnected from the idea of being in love. How does this sound to you?

As for your relationship with your boyfriend, that’s a deeply personal decision. It sounds to me that you care about him and that he loves you, which makes this even more challenging. You don’t necessarily need to make a decision immediately, relationships can evolve, and sometimes it’s helpful to give yourself space to explore your feelings further. Perhaps having an open and honest conversation with him about what you’re experiencing might be a good next step, what do you think? He might be more understanding than you expect, and it could help you both figure out what’s best for each of you, whether that means staying together or parting ways amicably.

I do want to say though that you’re not broken. You’re navigating a complex emotional landscape, and it’s okay to feel unsure or conflicted. Seeking a therapist who understands both ASD and the fluidity of sexual and romantic identities could be incredibly helpful, Would you happen to have access to this? 

If you feel comfortable sharing more details, I’d love to listen and help you unpack things further. Or if you have specific questions or need resources,  our support team are here for it. You can message us on confidential support as well where we provide 1-1 support if that suits you more.

What you’re going through is important, and you don’t have to face it alone