on the other side of one year...

[turtledoveinthedark]

Tomorrow marks a full year since I cut myself the first time. I'll be 170 days clean, since I had relapsed in April after making a goal to stop. It hit me today- nothing's really changed. I'm the same person, struggling with the same mental health, picking the same acne until it bleeds, lying to the same friends and family who ask how I'm doing. There's been lots of good days, maybe more than the bad. I don't think about cutting anymore, not seriously at least. But as school stress piles on and the world seems to get darker, I find myself in the same place I was during my last trip around the earth. 

Gah idk what I'm trying to say here, just needed to get that off my chest. I suppose the logical next step would be figuring out how to make things better. I want to feel better. But it is so hard. 

[Hazard]

15 hours ago, turtledoveinthedark said:

Tomorrow marks a full year since I cut myself the first time. I'll be 170 days clean, since I had relapsed in April after making a goal to stop. It hit me today- nothing's really changed. I'm the same person, struggling with the same mental health, picking the same acne until it bleeds, lying to the same friends and family who ask how I'm doing. There's been lots of good days, maybe more than the bad. I don't think about cutting anymore, not seriously at least. But as school stress piles on and the world seems to get darker, I find myself in the same place I was during my last trip around the earth. 

Gah idk what I'm trying to say here, just needed to get that off my chest. I suppose the logical next step would be figuring out how to make things better. I want to feel better. But it is so hard. 

I'm sorry that you feel like you're in the same place. Sure you can think of one thing that's changed, though? 

I understand what you're saying about feeling like you're back at the same spot, though. I also find myself in the same headspace each fall.

Do you think that you could try to tell the truth to at least one person that you feel like you've been lying to about how you're doing? And have you found anything else that makes you feel better? Or do you want some help thinking of those things

[turtledoveinthedark]

3 hours ago, Hazard said:

I'm sorry that you feel like you're in the same place. Sure you can think of one thing that's changed, though? 

I understand what you're saying about feeling like you're back at the same spot, though. I also find myself in the same headspace each fall.

Do you think that you could try to tell the truth to at least one person that you feel like you've been lying to about how you're doing? And have you found anything else that makes you feel better? Or do you want some help thinking of those things

Yeah... I guess I understand myself a bit better and am more willing to try to improve. Today I actually told a friend about my awkward anniversary, which felt weird to say but took a little weight off my chest. Good days are happening, and today I was happy! I just need to figure out how to cope with the bad ones. My emotional cycles are pretty random tbh. Thanks for your helpful words.

[Hazard]

21 hours ago, turtledoveinthedark said:

Yeah... I guess I understand myself a bit better and am more willing to try to improve. Today I actually told a friend about my awkward anniversary, which felt weird to say but took a little weight off my chest. Good days are happening, and today I was happy! I just need to figure out how to cope with the bad ones. My emotional cycles are pretty random tbh. Thanks for your helpful words.

Self understanding is a bigger step than it seems. And I'm really glad that you were able to talk to a friend! I'm glad that you were happy yesterday, and remembering that you were will help you cope with the low moments. Random emotional cycles are pretty normal, the trick is figuring out what makes you happy. When you think of those things, it can be helpful to write them down to save them for later.