i feel like nothing i ever do is good enough for my parents, mainly my mum and me being autistic isnt helping

[Horseygirl]

Hi guys, 

 

Basically today right my mum was working a 12 hr shift. I vacuumed, mopped, changed the towls in the bathroom, changed the bathroom mats, did some washing, (sheets etc) and bathed the dogs. I also cleansed the house and lit incense so that the house would smell nice. My mum noticed nothing. Not until i told her. Like i understand she's tired and stuff but like she didnt even give me a hug hello, started complaining i hadnt cooked dinner (i had literally offered to!) said the kitchen was a mess even though i had cleaned it...im autistic and i get overwhelmed by a lot of things. My mum started going on and on about how the kitchen was a mess, how i was always on the phone to my discord friends, (They are LITERALLY the ONLY friends i have left. All my other friends have moved away). Little things like this are big to me. I just dont know what to do or say in this post if im being honest. Im tired all the time because of my adhd medication as it is a very strong medication, i never really get time for myself like getting out in the sun because im doing so much housework and going on tiktok doing tarot readings to earn money since i dont have a job, that i get really burnt out and use a lot of spoons (autism energy reference) and cant do anything else for the rest of the day. Like right now its almost 9pm and i am sooooooooo tired from crying that i want to cry again. I usually cry myself to sleep because i feel so alone and tired all the time. I just tried to talk to someone on lifeline through chat on the website and felt like i was getting a bot. Someone please help because im so tired. 

[Aurora]

1 hour ago, Horseygirl said:

Hi guys, 

Basically today right my mum was working a 12 hr shift. I vacuumed, mopped, changed the towls in the bathroom, changed the bathroom mats, did some washing, (sheets etc) and bathed the dogs. I also cleansed the house and lit incense so that the house would smell nice. My mum noticed nothing. Not until i told her. Like i understand she's tired and stuff but like she didnt even give me a hug hello, started complaining i hadnt cooked dinner (i had literally offered to!) said the kitchen was a mess even though i had cleaned it...im autistic and i get overwhelmed by a lot of things. My mum started going on and on about how the kitchen was a mess, how i was always on the phone to my discord friends, (They are LITERALLY the ONLY friends i have left. All my other friends have moved away). Little things like this are big to me. I just dont know what to do or say in this post if im being honest. Im tired all the time because of my adhd medication as it is a very strong medication, i never really get time for myself like getting out in the sun because im doing so much housework and going on tiktok doing tarot readings to earn money since i dont have a job, that i get really burnt out and use a lot of spoons (autism energy reference) and cant do anything else for the rest of the day. Like right now its almost 9pm and i am sooooooooo tired from crying that i want to cry again. I usually cry myself to sleep because i feel so alone and tired all the time. I just tried to talk to someone on lifeline through chat on the website and felt like i was getting a bot. Someone please help because im so tired. 

Hi @Horseygirl,

It's lovely to hear from you again.  It's Aurora here - I can remember speaking to you before. I am very sorry to hear that things have been so tough for you though .

I noticed that you said that you tried to  speak to someone on lifeline. It's really good that you reached out but it sounds like you didn't have a good experience. I hope that hasn't put you off trying to speak to someone.  They have different volunteers there, so if you ever do want to contact them again, you'll hopefully get to speak to someone else next time, who doesn't sound like a bot. You also mention that you are so tired. I might be reading too much into this but before I comment on anything else you said, I just want to check in with you and ask if you are feeling safe right now? When you say you are so tired, do you mean tired of life or tired in general? Your safety really is the most important thing and I want to make sure you're OK. We're here for you and we're here to support you. 

Just to let you know that I have to log off now but one of the other support mentors will be online later on and they will check in with you then. If you do feel like you are in crisis please reach out to the following: 

UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)

USA - The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - 988 (This is a free service that operates 24/7. You can call or text)  https://988lifeline.org/

A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org - you can find the one for your country and call them if you are in crisis 

An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful

If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7

Remember, you can always call the emergency services or go to your local emergency department at the hospital for support

We're here for you 

 

[Luie]

On 2/13/2024 at 10:48 AM, Horseygirl said:

Hi guys, 

Basically today right my mum was working a 12 hr shift. I vacuumed, mopped, changed the towls in the bathroom, changed the bathroom mats, did some washing, (sheets etc) and bathed the dogs. I also cleansed the house and lit incense so that the house would smell nice. My mum noticed nothing. Not until i told her. Like i understand she's tired and stuff but like she didnt even give me a hug hello, started complaining i hadnt cooked dinner (i had literally offered to!) said the kitchen was a mess even though i had cleaned it...im autistic and i get overwhelmed by a lot of things. My mum started going on and on about how the kitchen was a mess, how i was always on the phone to my discord friends, (They are LITERALLY the ONLY friends i have left. All my other friends have moved away). Little things like this are big to me. I just dont know what to do or say in this post if im being honest. Im tired all the time because of my adhd medication as it is a very strong medication, i never really get time for myself like getting out in the sun because im doing so much housework and going on tiktok doing tarot readings to earn money since i dont have a job, that i get really burnt out and use a lot of spoons (autism energy reference) and cant do anything else for the rest of the day. Like right now its almost 9pm and i am sooooooooo tired from crying that i want to cry again. I usually cry myself to sleep because i feel so alone and tired all the time. I just tried to talk to someone on lifeline through chat on the website and felt like i was getting a bot. Someone please help because im so tired. 

Heyy @Horseygirl, Just checking in. How are you doing? 

[Mercury Venus]

Hey @Horseygirl,

I just wanted to reach out and check you're okay now and life's slightly less exhausting. (Sorry this post is so late, I just joined the website yesterday ;( )

My name is Saint and I'm also autistic, so I struggle a lot with burnout and feeling overwhelmed too.  In terms of your mum, I understand how frustrating that is that she didn't notice after you had worked very hard all day and how that must have made you feel, I get this from my parents too in a slightly similar way- I find that due to my executive dysfunction and depression, I cannot do "simple" tasks such as getting dressed and it makes me feel worthless when I eventually do because my parents start nagging at me to start "living my life" when I have literally made the effort to keep living.  

In terms of never getting time for yourself that sucks :( Although I cannot say much regarding this and do not want to come across as authoritative as I'm not a member of staff or adult, I would say that it is important to take time for yourself when you can, and I understand that is not possible for you.  However, is there any way you could make money by maybe selling some things such as clothes on an online clothing shop or donating items to charity if you have any so you could make money that way? I would give you a list of online marketplaces where you can sell your clothes however I know that selling clothes and items this way can be very time-consuming, so since you want more time for yourself I wouldn't recommend this as a first option for you, but if you did want any links I would be happy to give you a few to reliable ones where you can sell stuff fast. 

Sorry about the chatbot thing btw, I have previously tried to speak to volunteers for other websites, and I know what you mean when you say you felt like you were talking to a bot. 

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{IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE (PLEASE READ)

{This is a warning to please stop reading if you are uncomfortable with the following topics, as I am about to mention several things that may be triggering to you and other readers. The topics I am about to mention are suicide and traumatic experiences, so if you don't want to read about those topics, please read up till the end of the side note, where my name is- I have put a comment here which says "END OF SIDE NOTE", so you don't have to keep reading :)

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Continuing from where I was speaking about the chatbot thing, in conclusion to my very long, response, I just wanted to say I am open to talking about your concerns further and even offering advice if you need it, but cannot offer any personal advice or professional advice due to not being a member of staff on this website or a professional, and will do my best to support you morally, and give some advice and tips regarding burnout, etc if you need them, i have supported my friends with similar issues and am a good listener :) Also, I may respond immediately if I'm logged onto the website, but if not I will respond within two hours today (there is a note for other times in the week below titled availability support note) to keep you from waiting for centuries if you really need to speak to someone soon.

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Availability support note- I just realized I have included the times for when I'm available in the week outside of the side note, but to summarise I am at college weekly Monday to Friday 9 to 5 daily, but will respond to you ASAP, in my lunch break, or when I get home.

If you want more details regarding that, I can forward the times to you :)

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Lastly, if anything I have said has upsets you or confused you in this post, please feel free to reply and type a quick "Hey I didn't agree with some of the things you said" or "Hey I am confused about this" and I will do my best to clarify what I meant, or apologize, I struggle greatly with my tone when both speaking and typing, so if I have come across as rude or bossy in any way sorry :( 

Anywho, I feel I have been typing for yonks, and don't want to overwhelm you with this essay of text, so I hope you have a good rest of your day, and please try to look after yourself.

Saint :) }- END OF SIDE NOTE

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(Continuation to my comment above side note):

(Here's a quick reminder of what I said): "Sorry about the chatbot thing btw, I have previously tried to speak to volunteers for other websites, and I know what you mean when you say you felt like you were talking to a bot." 

Adding on to that comment I made earlier, I've had times when I've been incredibly low and have spoken to a chatbot and it hasn't helped, because I have elaborated on the reasons, including parental issues like feeling worthless due to being overwhelmed over not being able to simply exist without having a mental breakdown daily and relieved those experiences which for me are and were traumatic, so without knowing how you feel exactly, I get that needed to speak to someone and have support can be very difficult when you don't feel sort of empathy and like you are receiving support- and that's one of the reasons you may (or may not) want to reach out to me- because I'm autistic too-  and although all autistic people are different, I know what it feels like to be constantly tired, and overwhelmed, and specifically burnt out.

Other than what I've already said I'm afraid I cannot currently think of any way to help, but I hope this comment, although late has helped.

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Note about messaging me:

Don't worry if you don't, but if you do want to message me I am currently completing work experience today from 12:30-5 PM, so if I am online at that time, I may respond to messages briefly, but will get back to you later and we can talk more then. 

As I finish at 5 today, and have a two-and-a-half-hour gap before I begin to socialize with humanity from 7:30 until 9:00 PM, I will be online in the time leading up to 7:30 from 5 PM, so will respond to messages in more detail, in this time (but will be getting ready and moody over having used up all my spoons for the day whelp- so although I might send essays like this might not be very helpful ;( ).

Otherwise, I will be available tomorrow, and after 8:45 PM tonight, up until 10 PM (my internet shuts down then sadly) and I am available every day of the week, with slightly specific times regarding my life schedule, the times being: 

Monday to Wednesday- 8:30 AM to 1 PM daytime, and 5 PM to 9 PM nights.

Thursday- 8:30 AM-4:30 PM daytime, and 5:45 PM-9:15 PM- evenings.

 Fridays 8:30 AM to 11 AM daytime, 4:30-7:15 late afternoons, and 8:45-10 PM nights.

BTW- if I am online during the day, I will be at college, but can still talk and chat, bearing in mind any sort of specific things such as your post here I would reply to after college. 

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Now, with all this said, I have to get ready for my day, as I have spent 2 and a half hours writing this aha, and if you've read up until here, I am so sorry you have read all this :(

I hope you have an okay day even if it's not great or good, and you give yourself a break because you are doing amazing,

Saint :)