i confronted my drunk mother and it didn't go well

[Atreus]

i don't know how to use trigger warnings so sorry i tried, also to be clean by "didnt go well" i don't mean my mother beat me or anything she just yelled a lot but lemme explain.  i'm typing all this here cuz i don't wanna keep complaining to my friend about it i'm sure they're tired of hearing it by now but anyway my mother started drinking today and my sister had friends over and i was getting embarrassed by my intoxicated mother so i decided after so very long i'm going to finally tell her how much i hate that she drinks kinda hoping it might discourage her or soemthing and it did not, i waited till all my sisters friends left to confront her because it's none of their business (mentioning this cuz no one did me the favor of not involving me in their idiocy) but yeah i was tryna keep it civil at first and then i was like bringing up the big turning point of her drinking where i really started to get bothered by it which was the time she kinda went crazy and like my sister was yelling for me and stuff i already made a post talking bout it but wutever i think that day actually kinda messed me up a lil cuz i was watching a show and this one person was acting drunk and their mannerisms reminded me of when my mum gets drunk and i immediately became upset and i couldn't enjoy the show after that, and also my friends once mentioned drinking and i think i kidna upset then because i was acting a little possibly accidentally rude to them just thinking "why would anyone want to drink what is wrong with them" anywayyy so when my mother went crazy that one day at the very end of it  she grabbed me by my neck and shoved me into my room but i still felt like i had to defend my sister so i opened the door again and realized my mother's boyfriend at the time had tackled her to the ground and so i just shut my door cuzzz none of my business idk maybe that wasn't the right thing to do but i was pretty scared and i was shaking the entire time and i was going to start school in literal days we needed to buy school supplies and her boyfriend owned the house and i can't just piss him off and get us kicked out so i can start my first day of my junior year homeless, anyway once i brought up that day to her she was saying how i told her boyfriend that he should've slammed my mothers head against the ground sooner, like i never said that exactly and she also kept getting the details of that day mixed up anyway she was literally drunk but yeah i think i may have said "took you long enough" to my mum's boyfriend but i didn't mean i wanted him to hit her head off the ground- i meant it took him long enough to stop her rampage like for 70% of the ordeal he was actually just standing around in his underwear just listening- like eating his fucking chips and following my mum around he literally say my mum hit my sister in the face the maybe the most he did was say my mothers name, but yeah it was very suspicious my mothers boyfriend waited to incapacitate her when literally no one was watching/ like it was directly after my mum shut me in my room he had so many other like times he could have intervened but he did nothinggg till the very end. ok but yeah so she was saying how basically i betrayed  her by not standing up for her or soemthing and how i did nothing when my dad and my brother "beat" her likeeee when my dad beat her i was a small child and i can't even remember it only the arguing, and when my brother "beat" her i was in my room and didn't even witness it i just heard yelling and thoguth it was just another argument or soemthing and i've never liked my dad or my brother so it's not like i've praised them at all and i either didn't no bout the beating or was to small to do anything but then she mentions how when she was three her dad used to beat and shoot at her mom and she would defend her like??? ok so ur saying u were such a brave 3 year old sorry i couldn't do that like wtf does she expect me to do at that age ? maybe it's the thoguth that counts? but if i had a child it's not like i would want them to get in harms way to defend me like wtf is wrong with her, and i was all for my mum and dads divorce in fact i was the only one of my 4 other siblings that cheered and was happy bout it i was waiting for the day my dad wouldn't live in the same house as me, and when my brother was kicked out for beating my mum (all he really did was grab her neck but that's still bad) i was saying we should never gone him money again and never talk to him and for a while thats wut we did till these absolute idiots decided to just forget about it- like i didn't even see wut happened but i still defended my mother in that way like i hated my brother and my dad and i also hate my mum's now ex-boyfriend of course i hated him for beating her and being an asshole and when i lived with him i literally avoided him at all costs like humid he was in the kitchen and i was hungry? guess wut i starved cuz like dying due to malnutrition was better than being in a room with that guy like my mum was acting like i was taking his side and was defending him like i hate my mother but i hate him more, i hated then both like a lot after that day but my fucking mum is the one who keeps acting like nothing happened and everything's fine so i did that to but apparently she expected me to like cuss them out infornt of everyone wutever i fucking hate them all honestly. forgetting about all that moral of the story my mother basically told me to leave her alone and we could just not speak to eachother till i move out or soemthing idk but i was actually thinking recently of coming out to her- like for the longest time i thoguth i would be fine with keeping it from my family till i move out or like i actually planned to never tell them but i got the sudden urge to like i just thought they should know or maybe my mother would even help me out or i could get her to understand (by help me out i mean get me a gender therapist cuz i realized i might be trans) but yeah no, my want to do that immediately left my body once she started telling me that she didn't care if i ran away or anything and that i should just stop talking to her sooooooooooooo yeah. o but also that time like when she went a lil crazy she was saying how i went into my room and didn't even care about her- uhhhhh bro i was literally shaking and crying in my room but yeah sure ok- did u even care that u scared the shit out of my sister and her friend when u busted down her door and started screaming at her? did u care when u broke down the bathroom door when my sister was hiding in there and she literally screamed for me to help her and get h to go away? like ngl- i didn't care about her that day cuz she didn't care bout me or my sister so y should i help her? like i HATE that my mother made me feel like i had to save my sister from her- and it's also terrible that like maybe a week before the crazy day i went on here and said "no my mother is a violent drunk, i know she would never hurt her kids" i was such an idiot also during our argument today she was screaming and crying and since she was drunk after she told me to go to my room i kinda barricaded myself in because the doors in this stupid house don't lock and she's also proved that even if they could she can literally just break the door open (she's done it about 5 times) but now i kidna gotta pee so maybe the mountain of stuff in toby of the door wasn't a good idea but wutever i think that's concluded my rant? not saying my mother deserved her head bashed into the floor i was just tryna say her bf coulda stopped the event much earlier but he stood around like an idiot, she's gotta stop misinterpreting wut i say i only said "what took u so long" because he was tryna make himself look like a hero and i was tired of it so i knocked him down a couple pegs and tried to make him realize he really didn't do as much as he thoguth but ig he passed that message to my my mother and she thoguth i meant a different thing and she said she'll never forgive me or forget bout it but that bitch of a boyfriend she had was tryna look like a savior infront of this friend i had over like there was really no reason for him to mention that day but he did and idfk hes a fucking idiot and i hate him, i hate my mother,  i hate my brother, my dad, my whole family, and drunk ppl y. sorry for the super long rant, writing this gave me a headache and no one has to read this really i actually don't care i just didn't wanna bother my friend i think they're sleeping 

[Monsoon]

Hey @Atreus

I just want you to know that I've sent you a private message to check in with you.