Dealing with a break-up, bringing up past trauma, noticing I have emotional dependency and depression, loneliness

[panic_dream]

Going through a breakup recently that really shook up my life. I am in graduate school currently, met my ex, called Rich, a few years back through mutual friends and we all stayed friends even after they moved away. Rich and I always had a crush on each other but I was seeing someone else. Last year Rich and I started dating (long distance) and we would talk almost every day, he would bring me into his friend group chats and game nights online, and we would watch tv shows and movies online together. I felt like I had a lot of support. He also struggles with depression and feelings of "not wanting to live". We had minor issues in our relationship but we could handle them just fine, just the relationship didn't seem to grow really fast (which is fine, love takes its time). But this January I went to visit him and the whole time he was depressed, told me I shouldn't have come up, and spent most of his time laying down in bed. He wasn't interested in sex for the most part, just one time right before I left. He was going to visit me a few weeks later (and his family who live near me), but a family member of his got sick so he decided to change plans and not visit me, but instead have the two of us visit a mutual friend (who lives about halfway between us). Most of the weekend with them, he ignored me. At night he would scroll on his phone and not talk to me, just give me one word answers. We played a game I got, and he wouldn't listen to me when I explained the instructions. At one point, we were sitting together on the sofa and when he got up, he used his fist on my leg, which hurt a lot and I told him (I have joint pain issues and he should've known, but I understand accidents happen), but he did it again later that day and again passed it off as not a big deal. He broke up with me two weeks later saying he can't fall in love with me.

This has sent me into a spiral. He can't explain why he won't love me, he just doesn't want this anymore. It sounds to me like he's chasing after a feeling of being in love instead of nurturing our relationship and trying to practice loving someone.

I have reached out to him several times, I really can't understand, he can't understand that his mental health issues may affect how he feels in a relationship. This is bringing up ugly crap from my past. For some reason my other relationships have major issues but this one didn't (other than my now obvious emotional dependency).

In high school my bf at the time cheated on me with his exgf. This now makes me uncomfortable when a boyfriend is good friends with their exes. 

My next bf in college was emotionally and physically abusive. This relationship was awful and I never realized how bad it was until years later. I couldn't even admit I was physically abused for a year after the relationship ended and I cut off contact. He acted like he was a strict parent, trying to control my actions, one weird thing was drinking, he tried to make me get used to drinking hard alcohol b/c it was cheaper, then he'd get mad when I couldn't handle it and would get sick. He would get really mad at me and would have serious conversations with me about me being a "coward" and how I wouldn't pay attention to other people in public (like, observing other people, I would pay attention to who I was talking to), where I would apologize and try to say I'd get better but he would never accept my apologies. If I had an issue with him, he would laugh it off like it wasn't a big deal. He physically hit me twice, the first time I was filling out an application and I asked for motivation so he struck me and told me that If I don't finish, he would do it again. The second time he was drunk and just started hitting me for fun even when I was telling him to stop. Again he couldn't take me seriously.

After this breakup, a friend introduced me to her work friend, Cory. Cory was my type physically and we had a lot in common. We were really good for a while and I thought I was in a great relationship. His mom got really sick though, and his ex-gf came to town (she was really close to the mom). Suddenly I wasn't allowed back to his house. After that our relationship dynamic changed. The few times I was allowed over I would try to help them around the house (like cleaning), but according to the mom I never did it right, and I got made fun of when I couldn't lift a heavy bag b/c I had a sprained wrist. I was quickly escorted out of the house and was never allowed back. He would visit me though, but not very often. It would be once or twice a month for a few hours on Sunday evening. During the week he didn't have a lot of time for me, always saying he had work or chores to do. He still acted like he wanted to be with me though, and I thought I would work through this with him. I got really lonely though and adopted a cat. After that he would use the excuse that his mom is allergic to cats so I was never allowed over, even for a quick visit. I never saw her again after that. But I still dated Cory. We dated for a while but he would hardly spend the night and he would slowly neglect our relationship. After a while I got really sick with an autoimmune disease that affects my joints and gives me brain fog. I struggled to make it through the day when it flared up bad, I couldn't shower, make food, take care of my cat, do laundry, etc. I needed a ton of help but he always had an excuse. I started medications and had severe allergies to them. Again I got no help from him. Eventually I had to move in with my parents b/c everything got so bad I couldn't live by myself.

I did get on a medication that I wasn't allergic to, then the pandemic hit and lockdowns started. I had to learn to take my new medicine (via injection) and deal with the days-worth of nausea all by myself, no help from Cory. Cory decided that he needed to stay home with his mom and isolate with her, I wasn't allowed to be with him. Last February I had a really hard time. My cousin had passed away, my jaw started swelling up and I got on a really heavy prescription of steroids which affected my brain (like someone else was controlling it), and with the winter storms and rolling blackouts I felt very isolated and helpless. I tried to talk to Cory about it but he was dismissive and kept pushing me to tell him what I wanted for my birthday. That was when I started doubting our relationship. He hardly ever called me or tried to spend time with me, even if it's just playing a game online. 

All of these thoughts and feelings are really accumulating right now and I keep spiraling. Can't go a day without uncontrollable crying. It feels like there's a dark cloud that is always hovering. During the day it's not so bad, but the loneliness creeps in at night, I hate going to bed alone. I hate how my life turned out. I don't know how I keep choosing guys that neglect me in a relationship. I try to call friends and do game nights a few times a week, which helps, but once I go to bed it's awful.

Feeling like I need help. I'm going to see a therapist but it's taking a while to get an appointment. 

[Monsoon]

14 hours ago, panic_dream said:

Going through a breakup recently that really shook up my life. I am in graduate school currently, met my ex, called Rich, a few years back through mutual friends and we all stayed friends even after they moved away. Rich and I always had a crush on each other but I was seeing someone else. Last year Rich and I started dating (long distance) and we would talk almost every day, he would bring me into his friend group chats and game nights online, and we would watch tv shows and movies online together. I felt like I had a lot of support. He also struggles with depression and feelings of "not wanting to live". We had minor issues in our relationship but we could handle them just fine, just the relationship didn't seem to grow really fast (which is fine, love takes its time). But this January I went to visit him and the whole time he was depressed, told me I shouldn't have come up, and spent most of his time laying down in bed. He wasn't interested in sex for the most part, just one time right before I left. He was going to visit me a few weeks later (and his family who live near me), but a family member of his got sick so he decided to change plans and not visit me, but instead have the two of us visit a mutual friend (who lives about halfway between us). Most of the weekend with them, he ignored me. At night he would scroll on his phone and not talk to me, just give me one word answers. We played a game I got, and he wouldn't listen to me when I explained the instructions. At one point, we were sitting together on the sofa and when he got up, he used his fist on my leg, which hurt a lot and I told him (I have joint pain issues and he should've known, but I understand accidents happen), but he did it again later that day and again passed it off as not a big deal. He broke up with me two weeks later saying he can't fall in love with me.

This has sent me into a spiral. He can't explain why he won't love me, he just doesn't want this anymore. It sounds to me like he's chasing after a feeling of being in love instead of nurturing our relationship and trying to practice loving someone.

I have reached out to him several times, I really can't understand, he can't understand that his mental health issues may affect how he feels in a relationship. This is bringing up ugly crap from my past. For some reason my other relationships have major issues but this one didn't (other than my now obvious emotional dependency).

In high school my bf at the time cheated on me with his exgf. This now makes me uncomfortable when a boyfriend is good friends with their exes. 

My next bf in college was emotionally and physically abusive. This relationship was awful and I never realized how bad it was until years later. I couldn't even admit I was physically abused for a year after the relationship ended and I cut off contact. He acted like he was a strict parent, trying to control my actions, one weird thing was drinking, he tried to make me get used to drinking hard alcohol b/c it was cheaper, then he'd get mad when I couldn't handle it and would get sick. He would get really mad at me and would have serious conversations with me about me being a "coward" and how I wouldn't pay attention to other people in public (like, observing other people, I would pay attention to who I was talking to), where I would apologize and try to say I'd get better but he would never accept my apologies. If I had an issue with him, he would laugh it off like it wasn't a big deal. He physically hit me twice, the first time I was filling out an application and I asked for motivation so he struck me and told me that If I don't finish, he would do it again. The second time he was drunk and just started hitting me for fun even when I was telling him to stop. Again he couldn't take me seriously.

After this breakup, a friend introduced me to her work friend, Cory. Cory was my type physically and we had a lot in common. We were really good for a while and I thought I was in a great relationship. His mom got really sick though, and his ex-gf came to town (she was really close to the mom). Suddenly I wasn't allowed back to his house. After that our relationship dynamic changed. The few times I was allowed over I would try to help them around the house (like cleaning), but according to the mom I never did it right, and I got made fun of when I couldn't lift a heavy bag b/c I had a sprained wrist. I was quickly escorted out of the house and was never allowed back. He would visit me though, but not very often. It would be once or twice a month for a few hours on Sunday evening. During the week he didn't have a lot of time for me, always saying he had work or chores to do. He still acted like he wanted to be with me though, and I thought I would work through this with him. I got really lonely though and adopted a cat. After that he would use the excuse that his mom is allergic to cats so I was never allowed over, even for a quick visit. I never saw her again after that. But I still dated Cory. We dated for a while but he would hardly spend the night and he would slowly neglect our relationship. After a while I got really sick with an autoimmune disease that affects my joints and gives me brain fog. I struggled to make it through the day when it flared up bad, I couldn't shower, make food, take care of my cat, do laundry, etc. I needed a ton of help but he always had an excuse. I started medications and had severe allergies to them. Again I got no help from him. Eventually I had to move in with my parents b/c everything got so bad I couldn't live by myself.

I did get on a medication that I wasn't allergic to, then the pandemic hit and lockdowns started. I had to learn to take my new medicine (via injection) and deal with the days-worth of nausea all by myself, no help from Cory. Cory decided that he needed to stay home with his mom and isolate with her, I wasn't allowed to be with him. Last February I had a really hard time. My cousin had passed away, my jaw started swelling up and I got on a really heavy prescription of steroids which affected my brain (like someone else was controlling it), and with the winter storms and rolling blackouts I felt very isolated and helpless. I tried to talk to Cory about it but he was dismissive and kept pushing me to tell him what I wanted for my birthday. That was when I started doubting our relationship. He hardly ever called me or tried to spend time with me, even if it's just playing a game online. 

All of these thoughts and feelings are really accumulating right now and I keep spiraling. Can't go a day without uncontrollable crying. It feels like there's a dark cloud that is always hovering. During the day it's not so bad, but the loneliness creeps in at night, I hate going to bed alone. I hate how my life turned out. I don't know how I keep choosing guys that neglect me in a relationship. I try to call friends and do game nights a few times a week, which helps, but once I go to bed it's awful.

Feeling like I need help. I'm going to see a therapist but it's taking a while to get an appointment. 

Hey @panic_dream

Welcome to our community. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice and support to our members. It sounds like you've had some really tricky relationships that have been confusing and abusive, and I can completely see why these kinds of experiences would stay with you and impact your life to this day; you've been through a lot, and on top of that, you've had your illness and the passing of your cousin. I'm glad to hear you'll be starting therapy and I think this will be really helpful for you; do you have an idea of when you'll be able to get an appointment? Also, between now and when you get to see the therapist, is there anything you can do to make your life a little easier?

[panic_dream]

5 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @panic_dream

Welcome to our community. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice and support to our members. It sounds like you've had some really tricky relationships that have been confusing and abusive, and I can completely see why these kinds of experiences would stay with you and impact your life to this day; you've been through a lot, and on top of that, you've had your illness and the passing of your cousin. I'm glad to hear you'll be starting therapy and I think this will be really helpful for you; do you have an idea of when you'll be able to get an appointment? Also, between now and when you get to see the therapist, is there anything you can do to make your life a little easier?

Thank you. I am getting to a counselor this week, it has taken over a month to get the appointment. I'm still struggling each day, I don't know what to do to make my time this week easier.

[Monsoon]

Okay, I'm wondering then, what kinds of things do you do to relax in general? What activities make you happy and calm?

[panic_dream]

I'm trying to figure that out. I feel like I can cry at the drop of a hat so I'm struggling to start activities. I'm going to try to go for a walk today though and try to see friends tonight

[Monsoon]

Hey,

How did it go with the walk and seeing your friends? Also, would you like me to suggest some things you can do to try and relax? :) 

[panic_dream]

So far pretty good! I think the sunlight and talking is helping me a lot

[Monsoon]

20 hours ago, panic_dream said:

So far pretty good! I think the sunlight and talking is helping me a lot

That's really good; I definitely think the sun helps to put us in a better mood. If you like, I can suggest some things you can do to help relax and just generally lift your mood; up to you. Let me know. :) 

[panic_dream]

That would be great!

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Sure thing. I'm wondering, would you like to have a read through our two mental health support guides here and let me know what you might want to try out?

12 Practical Ways To Look After Your Mental Health | Ditch the Label

101 Ways to Chill Out and Reduce Stress - Ditch the Label